Signs your marriage is heading for serious problems

All marriages will have problems, what’s important is how you both deal with those problems. Many couples are not seeing they are heading for a divorce until it’s far too late.

As you scan through the list below the couples I see who are all in crisis  have all communicated a combination of the problems below.

So this is a heads up on some of what’s important to be focused on as a sign that changes are needed to rebuild the relationship so it lasts.

No emotional connection

If you don’t have the emotional connection you think you should have, then you have a gap in your relationship that will create emotional pain. If you don’t know how to close that gap then the pain will start to go deeper. [Read more...]

First step to solving relationship problems

If you want to solve your relationship problems then your approach has to move you both towards a place that will create a world you both can agree is the way it should be.

For most couples who are struggling this can feel totally impossible. The reason it feels impossible is because the way they are approaching their problems is likely to be making them feel much worse without knowing.

Most individuals both want to be happy, however their individual approaches to achieving this desired emotional state are so different, both people WILL become confused by each other. [Read more...]

Should couples expect relationship problems?

I have put this post together because a few people have asked me why couples that started their lives together in love can find themselves in serious trouble without there being an obvious problem like an affair? 

I want you to see the chain reaction that leads relationships to go wrong. Of course every situation is different, but there are some core challenges which underpins the process to go from a loving relationship to divorce.

The process I have illustrated is simplified so this post didn’t turn into a book, however please note each part has many complexities and consequences. [Read more...]

What if you knew your relationship problems were not your real problems?

So lets look at Jim he has had two serious relationships and both those women cheated on him and now Jim is focused on whether he can ever trust a woman again.

I think most of us would sympathise with Jims situation, but what is the real problem? Trust does seem a logical place to start and overcome.

Jim tries to have another relationship, but after the initial euphoria his mind has automatically gone to protecting him and focuses him on his past problems and lack of success with women.

This focus causes problems for Jim and his new partner, he is naturally focused on protecting himself and she starts to feel untrusted, not good for her.

Neither Jim or his new partner feel good and the relationship starts to suffer. Both Jim and his new partner are focused on his trust problem and trying to solve it.

It won’t be long before real problems start, because Jim doesn’t actually have trust issues.

[Read more...]

One thought that could change your life

One of the reasons I set up this free information about relationship problems was I because many people struggled to know where to put their energy when problems strike their relationships.

I do get messages from my readers saying that my words have helped to save their marriages and for me that is worth every second I spend thinking about what could add value to someone in trouble.

So here is todays thought.

I know that many relationships fail for all the wrong reasons. The people that make life changing decisions are doing so without really understanding what is going on within them. [Read more...]

Time to get tough

To become successful in life you have to become valuable, this is a simple fact of life. This is especially critical to understand in our relationships. Specifically the question is: What has to happen for a man to become valuable to his wife? What has to happen for a wife to become valuable to her husband?

I can tell you now, that if all couples started their relationships knowing this the divorce rate would nose dive. With 13 divorces happening every hour in England and Wales there is no question we have a significant problem with our relationships. So this is important to know and so I’m going to be tough, not because I take pleasure in it, it’s because I care and if I wake up just one person and that saves their family from divorce then for me it’s worth it.  [Read more...]

Couples are asking for more information about why the work I do is so successful…

If you are looking to get concrete answers to your relationship problems and put an end to your fears and worries within a few weeks then this is for you.

In 2013 our programs have helped 95% of clients rebuild a relationship they feared was dead. They learnt how to bring it back to life step-by-step. Some say their relationship has never been this good, yet they started the process thinking it was all over.

What’s unique about our programs is it’s designed specifically for the couple and their specific challenges.

This is a powerfully strategic approach to relationship building, where the couple will learn what it really takes to create a relationship that works based on their specific situation and individual needs. [Read more...]

Signs we have relationship problems…

I love my partner, but it’s just not working anymore! Is this you? If you and your partner love each other, but are just not getting on there is good news for you.

With the right focus and understanding a very fast shift can put you both back on track. You see most couples come for help far too late and so it just takes longer to build up the trust, respect and rebuild that intimate connection again.

So if they leave it too long they will feel so numb that leaving the relationship now feels far less painful and so an attractive option so please don’t ignore problems and never assume they have gone away. Many men have sat in my sessions very upset to have been asked for a divorce when they never knew there was a problem.

The reality was they thought the problems had gone away months or years before, but within her the problems were getting bigger, but she had stopped communicating because she saw no point.

So if you are still in love with each other, but are struggling NOW is the time to deal with this. These are the key signs to look out for… [Read more...]

Have You Lost Sight of Your Future?

Many people experience problems such as stress, depression, constant relationship challenges and over time stop seeing a future for themselves and can no longer see a future with their partner.

This lack of vision is created by years of feeling stuck and unhappy. They go through a process of having to change who they are to cope with their relationship problems and their partners behaviours. Some feel they have detached from their true self not liking  who they have become.

This process of constant problems is actually changing them, because they are entering into a state of fear that their life is not going to be safe if their partner continues to behave this way in their relationship. [Read more...]

Is Changing Him a Good Idea?

Some women are asking their men to be more sensitive, to share their thoughts, emotions, worries and to become more vulnerable. They want this because they see this as the solution to their relationship problems.

The reason this desire for men to connect emotionally from women is because the women feel that their men are detached from their inner emotions. They know that their partners don’t understand them, because they struggle to be understood.

Women try so hard to be understood, but become frustrated when they know they are not. Not being understood from a female perspective can feel fearful and lonely. In this place her security that the relationship is going to be the way she wants, it is challenged.

Men at this point feel nagged, criticised, put down as she tries to get through to him… [Read more...]

Behaviours Most Likely To Cause Relationship Problems

I have put together a list of some of the behaviours I see and hear that are likely to cause relationship problems. Yes I did run this list yesterday, but it’s so important to understand. I know some of you missed it!

    1. Couples tell me that love is important all the time, yet when challenged their love is clearly conditional. “I won’t give love unless…they do, or I feel safe, or I feel important, or I feel respected… the list goes on!”
    2. If I give to my partner, what will I get in return? If anyone gives to get, they are trading for what they want and this is guaranteed to kill their sex life dead!
    3. Couples think punishing each other works? Yet it never occurs to them that whenever they are punished they don’t feel more love, so they are killing the relationship bit-by-bit.
    4. Couples don’t create a plan or a direction for their lives together past having children. They then become fearful because of the relationship because it’s going no-where. [Read more...]

Interested Piece in the Guardian – “Therapy stole my boyfriend”

I get news from accross the globe on all issues news regarding relationships, counselling, therapy, coaching and the work carried out by those wanting to help with relationship problems.

I recieved an alert for me to read an article in the Guardian yesterday very interesting…

I would be interested in your thoughts please feel free to comment below.

To read it please  click here and come back to this page with your thoughts.

How to quickly sort relationship problems

The challenge all couples face with relationship problems is they can’t see how to stop their problems. They use the same strategy over and over again with always the same results – destruction!

So if you are both doing the same thing and it’s not working then maybe it’s time to change that behaviour.

Understand what drives your partner

When couples are in crisis, what happens is they both revert to wanting whatever drives them the most.

For example: If a female is worried about the relationship she may want to feel secure again. If the man is worried he might feel that the relationship will never work and so he might feel insignificant as a man. He can’t make her happy and can’t fix the problems in the relationship.

To feel significant again, he may become frustrated/angry and either give up in some way, threaten to leave, or get very loud.

If she is driven by security or certainty, his frustrated behaviour will fuel her lack of certainty and she will pull her love away spend more time with friends or family. This fuels his fear that he will never be enough for her.

These are not the only patterns that happen in relationships, but you can be sure that there will be one you are both fueling.

I recently saw a couple with this pattern, at the start of the session you could see that for both of them the end was not far away. He could not see a future with her and told her and she had lost all trust that he would keep her safe. They looked doomed, but with a young child I knew they both wanted help fast!

By using their core driving forces I was able help them both understand how they could meet their own core need and meet their partners at the same time. When they both realised they could do this and feel good they embraced a new behaviour that meant the relationship could grow.

He then could see a future with her, she felt safe again and they left smiling and hand-in-hand – the trust was rebuilt and the needs were met.

All this happened in one session.

Change does NOT have to take along time it happens very fast, but only when they both feel safe to change. So it’s the feeling safe to change that takes the time. My job is to help them feel safe fast by helping them understand that not changing was not going to meet their primary needs. Once they understood that the change was easy.

Will it last?

This is a question I always get asked. If the couple keep focused on meeting each others primary needs especially when further challenges hit they will be successful.

This couple learnt how to do this in detail and why it’s important, we covered many areas of human behaviour and differences between men and women. So the couple always goes away with tools to help both themselves and each other without me there.

Why is it so difficult for couples to fix their relationship problems?

What I’m going to share today is critical to understand if you want to make lasting changes in your relationship. I have not spoken about this before on this blog so it’s important to understand.

Very few couples do this automatically and this is one of the major factors to why there are so many single parents, broken families, affairs, separations and divorces.

By understanding and helping couples understand what is important to know in their relationship  is one of the key factors to the success in all my relationship clinics.

If you have been following my posts you will have learnt that couples “presenting problems” such as arguments, loss of passion, lack of trust, etc, are not the real problems in a couples relationship. Although with no other logical knowledge this will be their incorrect assumption. [Read more...]

Shocking Discovery

When in sessions there is one part of what I teach that has the most shocking response from all my clients. I have had people display tears, anger, disbelief, frustration, confusion all at the same thing.

They cannot believe what has been happening in their lives without them knowing. Some have lived their whole lives this way, some have lost relationships, hurt loved ones, hurt themselves…

Some clients, senior people with significant responsibility drop their head, speechless.

What is this one thing that has such a big impact, what is it that causes so much emotion.

You see the most intelligent people start to understand with me how their life has been set up to be a life they can’t win in.

They discover that even if they are successful they will feel, unfulfilled or unhappy [Read more...]

Relationship Coaching Sessions: Why Is Love The Answer?

One of the first things a couple has to understand, is that the answer to their relationship problems is in the love they have to give each other.

What couples usually do is pull their love away when their partner does something wrong.

So in the relationship sessions the couple go through a process of understanding the importance of living by what they believe is important. Not only does pulling love away not create love, but it also creates a destructive conflict within the individual who is pulling away.

The result is a double hit of internal problems for the individual pulling away. They experince a lack of love from their partner and the inability to trust themselves to live by their own values and beliefs. This serves to further create feelings of a heightened lack of security, this feels worse and so the result is usually more punishment all round as their state deteriorates.

The sessions are designed to help the couple understand how to create the right versions of themselves. The version they will have created is one of fear that life was not going to be the way it should be for them. This is the version that is designed for destruction, and is very different from the version they used to attract each other. [Read more...]

How to remain positive when you just want to give up

Do you have some days when you just want to give up. Relationship is up and down, work is getting more demanding, keeping up with all the things you know you should do seems impossible, you can’t remember the last time you had sex and you’re so fed up it doesn’t seem to matter, life is just a bit #@$>!

We all have those days, weeks, months, when the world seems to be against us. It’s not that we’re lazy, it’s like there is an overwhelming feeling of what’s it all for? You feel somewhat helpless…

I expect you look at relationship coaches and counsellors and psychologists and make the assumption that their lives are some how perfect. Rest assured we all face relationship challenges just like everyone else.

No matter how good you are at understanding human behaviour even the very best cannot help themselves or their partners to feel good in the moment all the time.

I remember before I really understood how relationships work and why they don’t, how out of control things can feel. Of course today for me is very different as 95% of what happens is much easier to deal with the other 5% needing some thought.

I have no doubt that sometimes you just want to scream as yet more relationship problems land at your feet. So I expect when you read this blog that explains how to deal with your partner or you read about how happy couples are after working with me your natural reaction could be jealousy, anger, hurt, frustration.

If you experience a negative force within you understand this: Your mind can be a force that can work with you, or against you and you have the power to choose.

One of the reason why couples are so successful with me is not because they are any better than other couples. The reason is they never gave up. They never gave up, no matter how tough the sessions became, or how much they felt they hated their partners for what they had done.

They kept going even when they didn’t want to. They believed they could make things right even when they didn’t know how.

Even when I gave them things to do that didn’t work at that moment, they kept going. The biggest killer is when individuals doubt themselves, doubt that they are enough for the relationship, not attractive enough, not lovable, not a good enough mother or father.

Even when friends and family jump to their defence telling them, their partner is not good enough for them and share their version of what they should do based on what their life experience tell them they should do, they never listen and never give up.

The answers are within you and your relationship. But as you know there are many different versions of you and some will hurt you and some will give you happiness.

Know which one is making decisions before you press the button on your relationship.

Turn your focus to where you want to go and not where you have been. Your past is simply a series of memories based on the state you are in at any given time and the meanings you gave it from that state.

Your history is not the fact you think it is there is much you do not understand or may have missed.

Remember your life is a series of perceptions. When you learn how you can create the ones that enable you to be the emotional state that will support your personal and relationship growth only then will you accept tough days and put actions in place to experience the world just the way you want to.

Your future is really down to you, if you want to understand your relationship and life then the biggest hurdle is to understand and conquer you.

Then being positive when life gets challenging is never as hard again.

What “change” will positively impact your relationship

When we experience relationship problems the natural response is to focus on what is happening in the moment. So what we do is focus on the problem.

The problem is usually just a symptom of the real issue and so whilst the couple may put lots of effort into trying to sort out what they think is the problem, their problem keeps coming back, frustrating the couple to assume that they could be incompatible.

Understanding what is at the root of couples problems is harder for couples to understand. All they know is they are becoming increasingly frustrated that their relationship is not working.

So what can couples do to sort things out. To start with do not focus on your problems, because all you will get is more problems.

The solutions are not in your problems they are likely to be in your past. The combination of your pasts will be creating behaviours that equal the relationship you have today.

Do not underestimate how powerful the past can be on the meanings you are giving your relationship today. After all, our survival is all about learning what equals danger and if in the past you have been hurt in someway then that will affect you moving forward and especially if the life condition feels similar.

Relationships are complex and so treating them as if they are simple might be easy to manage, but the results could end up hurting you more.

The biggest change you can make is to get educated on how your relationship functions, and what will give you all you want and what will destroy it.

Call me today and get the answers you’ve been looking for.

Depression: Relationship Problems

Depression is affecting my relationship: Which came first the chicken or the egg. Relationships problems can cause depression, or relationship problems can be a result of depression.

Having a depression in a relationship can put significant strain on any couple.

So getting help to deal with it is critical: There are many forms of help, but my favorite is to work with the individual and help them understand what they are doing to make depression a possibility.

Plus I help them understand if they are caught in a cycle where they are choosing depression without knowing. This can happen because they are getting something they believe they are missing from their lives, E.G. Attention: Depression can in some cases help them to get significance in the form of sympathy, caring and love which they don’t get when they are well.

How do people do depression?

Sounds like a strange question I know, but the reality is many people suffering from depression are creating behaviours that if those that were not depressed did every day, they would become depressed too.

For example: If anyone practiced all three of these activities they too would become depressed.

  • If you focused on all the problems in your life.
  • If you spoke to yourself in a non caring way. I.E. “I am a awful mother” or “I’m a rubbish husband”.
  • If you spoke slowly, head down, shoulder hunched, arms folded.

If anyone did that for week-after-week they would become depressed too.

Of course depression and the causes can be very complicated, because there are many reason why life might not be the way it should be for the individual suffering. Plus we are chemical beings and so our chemical make up also comes into play.

The bottom line is the more you can do to help yourself through understanding how you work and how the meanings you are giving to your life is creating how you feel. The better armed you are to put depression in reverse.

If you would like more information on how I can help please contact me NOW!.

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you…”

Many couples that come to me with relationship problems usually have one person who is more shut down than the other.

This person is usually in a state of confusion, not sure if they want the relationship or not. They have feelings of love from the past, but right now they are confused because they resent their partner for helping them to feel so miserable.

They have plenty of evidence that on some level their partner cannot be trusted.

Right now all they want to do is escape the pain they feel.

To them breaking up seems like the only option.

No matter what has happen between this couple this relationship can be saved with the right approach.

The hurdles to get over are firstly that what they believe about the relationship and themselves.

Many of them are waiting to feel feelings of love for their partner, but they don’t and so they assume the relationship for them is dead. They feel emotionally shut down at this point.

We have all experienced things that we did not want to do and then afterwards we discovered we actually really enjoyed it.

The gym is a prime example, sex is another, we all put off doing things because we want to feel great about doing them before we do it.

Relationships are no different. The problems is when we first met our partners we did not have to do anything to feel amazing and the explosion of chemicals we felt was automatic.

Nature designed us that way, but even nature can’t keep that intensity going and so the relationship changes and we have to do things to feel great again.

So waiting to feel love after months of battling is unlikely, but if one of you got sane fast and became the best partner you could be first, before you felt what you think you should feel, you just maybe surprised what happens next.

Too many couples use taking love away as a weapon to teach their partner a lesson and all this does is to trigger fear states in each other, the future does not feel secure at all when couple do this.

The faster couples learn that the answers are in giving love, and not in punishment the faster they will receive the love they crave.

Is this you, or do you know a couple that are doing this if so, take action fast.

Your mind is complicated and believing all you think is sometimes dangerous.

What do you have to lose? After all you think the relationship is dead so you can’t lose that, so all you could lose is time.

It’s better to lose a little time than spend a life time regretting what you did from a place of fear which is likely to be where you are.