Can a Leopard change its spots?

Many people come into my session with years of experiencing their partner being a certain way. They need their partner to change, but they are not convinced it’s possible so they sit in the relationship protecting themselves from their partner.

So they ask me “can a Leopard change its spots?”

One gentleman came in with a severe marriage issue and he was trying to save it – she wanted a divorce, but he had terrible anger problems.

He told me he was going to anger management. I said “Why do you want to manage it? Don’t you want to get rid of it?”

I went on to explain to him that his anger was designed to meet his core needs and because it kept meeting those needs through his anger he would always behave this way. [Read more...]

“The root cause of marriage problems”

Getting to the root of the problem has to be the goal for any couple in crisis. So many couples are struggling because as they try to fix their problems they notice it gets worse. This means they are either fixing their problem badly, or they are fixing the wrong problem.

For some couples, they stop trying to fix it and it silently deteriorates and others can have one person who is in denial that they even have a problem.

My advice is any problem no matter how small are signals that a change is required, the key to your success is understanding the correct change to make and then take action. This is why I work on a diagnose and prescribe model to help couples get out of trouble fast.

Many simply can’t believe their partner can’t understand what seems so simple to them.

  • Some couples are having the same arguments so they think they understand what the root problem is.
  • Some couples don’t argue at all, so they are confused as to why the relationship is even struggling.
  • Some couples are having very different arguments so even though they are unhappy nothing seems to be at the cause.

The root cause is so important to get to because if you fix a symptom the root problem will only create a different symptom. [Read more...]

What’s killing the passion in so many marriages?

What you are about to read is so important to understand if you want an intimate relationship for life. Many couples have a very poor sexual connection but don’t know why. What happens for many is they kill their passion but still keep a certain level of connection alive.

A passionate connection has very specific foundations for couples to stay alive and passionate. What most couples are doing is killing their passion foundations without knowing.

So please take note

It’s impossible to keep love and passion alive whilst a person has to protect themselves emotionally from their partner so below are some of the actions that create those negative feelings and slowly kill the relationship.  [Read more...]

Avoid the fight of your life – Learn the 20+ early warning signals that means a marriage is in trouble

Far too many couples are waiting far too long to seek help so in today’s post I’m going to share my thoughts on what to look out for and what not to ignore.

This man was terrified…

I’ll never forget a couple who came for help far too late. Her pattern was not communicating her problems with him and his pattern was to assume her calm self was an indicator that she was happy.

As he walked into my room he looked terrified.

She had just told him she wanted a divorce – she was deadly serious – he could now see he was in the fight of his life.

In fact, this fight started years before and he never knew. The clock had been ticking and he just didn’t see the signs.

You see I need people fighting to protect their marriages much sooner. [Read more...]

“Problem Partners” Uncovering the mask

Many couples struggle when one person starts to develop a personal problem of some kind. They struggle because the relationship cannot grow because of their problem and in many cases, it’s been dying for years because of this problem.

In today’s post, I’m going to talk about some of those problems I see and what could be going on for them and their marriage.

Last year I saw a lady who was depressed. After spending time with her I discovered her depression was designed to mask a deeper challenge for her.

She was afraid to open up in a relationship and so remained closed as a means to protect herself using depression (something she could create) as the problem everyone could see and focus on.

By helping her understand how the depression was created and how to be safe in a relationship she now has her life back.

A gentleman came reluctantly came to see me with his wife. [Read more...]

“We both want our marriage to work – BUT it’s getting worse please help us”

“I never thought he would leave me.” “I can’t believe she just left” “I never knew things were this bad” These are the real messages I hear from people who ignored their partners cries for help and regretted it.

What couples who are struggling are not connecting with is they are in step-by-step process and if they take action now they can stop a marital disaster.

Today I’m going to help you understand it’s important to learn where you are so you can get real about your relationship and do something about it.

Below are the stages couples are going through without knowing. It’s important to understand where each of you is in this process.

Stage 1: Attraction – Love being together

Stage 2: Resistance – Problems starting to surface

Stage 3: Resentment – Problems not resolved

Stage 4: Detachment – Emotion protection

Stage 5: Decision – Position designed to take back control

Stage 6: Separation – Physical separation/Divorce [Read more...]

How do I help my failing marriage?

When you break down the process individuals and couples are going through to put their relationship into a crisis it’s easy to see why they are struggling to keep their connection alive. 

Helping couples to see where they are going wrong is a key skill to master to help them save and protect their marriage.

As you scan today’s post I will share with you a key strategy for helping couples out of crisis and a couple who was on the brink of divorce who needed help fast…

Before I share this strategy two steps are critical for couples in crisis to learn. Enlighten both people to understand how they have broken their marriage so they don’t repeat that mistake and help them learn what they must now do to keep it passionately alive.

These two understandings are key to keeping their foundations strong to support them for life.

Once people understand what’s really happening to themselves and each other they can replace their natural fears and self-protection patterns with understanding and confidence.

The goal is to help couples build confidence that no matter what hits them they both know what to do to protect their marriage as a team.

These skills are not natural and so they must be taught. [Read more...]

He wanted to know what to do to fix it…

My mission is very simple, empower individuals to become valuable to themselves their partner and their relationship so they can be effective leaders for their children and each other.

To achieve this I offer 3 very simple steps to achieve 2 very powerful goals.

  1. I commit to my clients to provide a very clear theory as to why the process they are going through with me works as long as they follow it.
  2. Give them easy to learn steps that deal with complex challenges.
  3. I help the couple apply this knowledge practically to their marriage.

The two goals couples need to achieve is first to breakthrough their presenting challenges. The next goal is to make sure they have all the tools they need to successfully navigate their lives together. [Read more...]

Ten year marriage hits crisis – He shares his story

If you are reading this testimonial, it may be that you are in a similar place to where we were a few months ago and searching the internet for a possible solution, with low expectations.  I found these testimonials encouraging – hence offering one today (it is genuine).

Without going into details, following a “bump in the road”, our marriage was at a critical stage with a real risk of it ending – I (the husband) was at fault.  Although neither of us wanted this outcome after a relationship of almost ten years, it was hard to see a way out and how to change things.

This is where Stephen came to the rescue. [Read more...]

“We need a second opinion fast! – We’ve been told we should divorce?”

“You need to divorce!” This was the message a couple was given by a lady that had been helping them through their marital crisis.

A couple came to me with this story not sure what to do.

It’s an important story to share because ending a marriage is life changing. With so many people making mistakes they end up regretting it’s so important for couples to get to grips with why they are really in trouble.

It’s also important that you get the right help for your specific challenge. I remember another couple sharing with me a story where they got into deeper crisis by trying to fix what they thought was a sexual problem with a sex therapist.

Logical thought as they were not having sex… BUT! – The real problem they had was rooted in a deep emotional disconnection and this was causing their sexual disconnection.

So they briefed someone to help them fix a symptom rather than a cause. This nearly broke that marriage.

So back to the first couple – this is what this couple shared with me… [Read more...]

Stuck in a marriage with negative behavioural patterns

Three couples finished their marriage breakthrough program with me this week. Their individual challenges were a dramatic loss of trust, loss of love and an affair. Each one was on the edge of divorce with both people suffering not sure which way to turn. Each couple reported to me their relationship is now significantly better than it’s ever been.

Thankfully these couples and their children now have a future that makes sense. For them it’s a huge relief they are out of their own personal hell and now living confident relationships.

To help these couples out of hell one of their challenges was due to very negative spirals they didn’t know how to deal with. Each couple had different patterns and for very different reasons.

Their patterns had to be interrupted and reconfigured so they could successfully reconnect. [Read more...]

Top 7 relationship mistakes that lead couples to severe marital stress and many to divorce

I spend year after year with couples from all over the world who travel to see me to gain life-changing solutions to some of the most challenging marital issues.

Living day-to-day with all these couples in varying degrees of crisis helps me to see that so many couples are creating very common problems in their own relationship without even realising.

So today I’m going to share with you what I’m seeing so you can look at what is happening in your own relationship.

Each one of these points below is critical to thoroughly understand: [Read more...]

Loss of love – Passionless Marriage – Affairs

During this time of year, my thoughts go to the reality of so many couples and families who are suffering due to the breakdown of their marriage. If you are in this horrible situation then please learn all you can so you are in a position to make the right choices for your relationship.

Naturally, there are couples that really shouldn’t be together…

…but there are so many that were at the end – lost and stuck not sure which way to turn and with the right direction they have rebuilt their connection and become a team where they now have each others backs.

These successful couples started to learn something new that helped them see the reality of their situation.

Learning is the key to successfully rebuilding a relationship. [Read more...]

“A path to a better relationship in 2018″

There is no question that creating a lifelong relationship is a significant challenge. So many couples are having problems because they are missing so much information when they first start their relationship which they are going to need for it to survive.

Sadly they don’t know this when they get together. Few people are looking for this critical information because the start of the relationship is giving them most if not all of what they need to feel happy.

So naturally, who wants to fix a problem we don’t have? Totally makes sense – right!

Unfortunately, many of us have been sold on the “happy ever after” not aware that we need a to approach our relationship in a very different way to ensure both people remain connected and excited for life. [Read more...]

“The meanings we create about our relationship becomes the bridge to either lasting love or divorce”

Lifelong researchers of the life cycle of marriages and intimate relationships know that certain common characteristics sit in all the couples that end up in divorce – contempt, lack of kindness, loss of compassion all sit at the core.

My burning question was what is it that takes couples that have freely chosen to live a life together to then move towards such destructive behaviours?

The answer to this question is critical if couples wish to protect their marriage from future problems and it’s a fundamental must if a couple in crisis are going to rebuild their marriage from their crisis.

What sits at the core of a couples challenges is fear. Fear I’m not enough, fear I’m not loved are very common and powerful themes, however, we all have our own unique fear machine and unique triggers that lead us to pain. [Read more...]

“Should I be in this marriage?” She asked

So I was chatting with a lady who was recommended to me and she wanted to find out if I could help her and her husband?

They were at breaking point and she was about to action lawyers, but she was unsure if she had really tried everything and had heard from a friend about me. She said she liked the idea that I don’t sit couples in their problems and focus on their past.

I asked her to help me understand from her perspective what she had experienced in the relationship.

As she was talking I could hear straight away that her husband was not protecting her emotionally and she was having to look after herself in her marriage.

I could hear she didn’t feel emotionally safe with him and she had lost all sense of who she was and was struggling to make a decision about her marriage that made sense to her. It was especially painful as she had young children and knew the wrong decision would affect them for life. [Read more...]

“I have done everything I can to save this relationship..!”

So a couple comes into see me and the message she provides me is “I have done everything I can to save this relationship, it will never change, he will never change what’s the point!?”

Both men and women can give me this blocked and self-limiting message that makes any kind of future feel impossible, however with the right support they can learn there is a way to break-through what they thought was impossible…

…I know because I see it every day.

This week is a perfect example, 12 weeks ago a lady believed that her marriage was over, but this week she no longer wants to leave her husband and can now see a future again?

What she did that was different to most people is she was brave enough to learn and breakthrough her old feelings and beliefs and learn a new truth for her. A truth that was much safer for her to live in. [Read more...]

Resentments high and passion low?

When married life is NOT turning out to be the way they hoped, it’s natural for people to stack resentments towards their partner. This has the ability to have a powerfully destructive effect on the marriage of most couples without them knowing.

In today post I’m going to talk about a powerfully hidden force that couples don’t discover until it’s too late.

When a person stacks resentment towards their partner they start to create negative attachments with their partner and their relationship.

The resentments will move them towards creating an automatic filter that converts most things in the relationship into a negative experience.

Their husband or wife can start to feel that nothing they do works or is ever good enough. [Read more...]

The Sex-Starved Relationship

So who is to say how much sex is the right amount of sex for couples in committed long-term relationships? There are many theories, but whatever the frequency and level of engagement it’s important they are on the same page and happy. 

Research is telling us that a significant amount couples are disappointment with their sex lives. Some focused on quantity some on quality and some just grateful for whatever is on offer with an ongoing hint of resentment.

Some want a richer and more passionate sexual connection but are afraid to bring up their true needs and desires through fear of not being loved or accepted.

Some are just not interested and see sex as just sex so not very important, totally unaware of the suffering their partner is feeling each time they are rejected. So for some, they will give up asking and start detaching. [Read more...]

“Is it possible for dead relationships to be reignited?”

One gentleman reluctantly came to see me with his wife because he was considering getting out of his marriage. He said he had lost feelings for his wife. 

She loved him but on exploring their marriage I could see that she had been cycling between detaching and trying to keep the marriage alive because they have had problems for years.

The last year was particularly bad they both agreed.

I said to him that leaving a marriage and his children were going to be life-changing for everyone so was a massive step that could affect them all for years.

I asked him if he knew how his feelings had been created? Specifically, the feelings that are making him want to leave his wife.

He looked confused.

“I just feel what I feel,” he said

“I understand that, but do you know how your feelings have been created?” [Read more...]