3 Steps to Emotionally Reset & Build the Life YOU want

Mark Twain — ‘I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.’

Many years ago I came across this quote and it had a profound effect. It got me thinking about areas of our life that create stress, anxiety and worry.

With many of us being forced to stay at home and spend more time together many relationships will start to suffer so this is important to become curious about.

A common problem I see in my sessions is people suffer from two distinct fears.

  • They fear they are not enough.
  • They fear they won’t be loved.

These two fears can lead a person into practising unhelpful survival based behaviours.  [Read more...]

“He thought his life was over..!”

Today’s post is a little different. I wanted to share with you a clients words about his experience of the pain of his divorce and the process of rebuilding him and his future.

Over to him…

The words hit me like a hammer ~ “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken, you never were. So you don’t need fixing. You’ve simply lost your way. And I’m here to show you the way back. And it’s not difficult or complicated.’

I was sitting in the office of my coach, Stephen Hedger, at probably the lowest point in my life. My marriage was over, I was facing a toxic, difficult divorce.

Most of the therapists that we had seen during the last stages of our marriage had only succeeded in accelerating the end of our marriage. And had made me feel awful, deeply inadequate as a husband, as a man, as an individual. [Read more...]

7 Rules for a fun passionate successful marriage

The foundation of a successful relationship is based on each person committing to themselves to be the best of themselves especially when problems strike. Far too many people are trying to solve their problems whilst being the worst of themselves.

Successful relationships are not about being perfect, they are about two people consistently experiencing more of what’s important to them, more fun, more love, more passion, more mutual fulfilment.

Sadly far too many couples are magnifying everything they don’t want, they magnify insecurity, loss of trust, contempt, disconnect, loss of love, lack of intimacy, shame to name a few.

To help you I have put together a few thoughts below that couples must learn to master if they want to discover the truth of what their relationship is really capable of achieving.

We are going to start with unconditional love – which in many couples is only reserved for their children, couples are unaware of the consequences of this decision. [Read more...]

Is being married for life possible?

There are few certainties in this world, but many of us want the certainty of a marriage that will last forever.

The challenge is if we strive for certainty in our marriages, this need can without knowing kill a couples passion for each other and this, in turn, kills their connection.

When a person has a lack of certainty for whatever reason they can create distorted behaviours that negatively affect a couples connection and trust in each other.

People are looking for a love that’s certain a love they can control. The moment love is controlled it dies!

Here are a few ways the need for certainty kills their connection.

  • They may be uncertain if they are enough for their partner so they hold back or become needy.
  • They may be uncertain if their partner really loves them
  • They may hold back in the marriage just in case it fails.
  • They may be uncertain so they must control their partner in some way.
  • Some people use jealousy or lack of self-esteem to control their partner.
  • Childhood may tell them no one can be trusted so be on your guard.
  • Some are far too certain what they give to their partner is enough to keep them in the marriage.
  • Some wrongly assume they know how their partner thinks.
  • Some are certain their problems will just sort themselves out.
  • This list is endless…

So there is an important message that I want to share.

The way so many couples are creating their certainly is actually creating the very reverse of what they actually want.

You see once someone has agreed to spend the rest of their life with you that doesn’t mean the deal is done.

The deal is never done because that person can leave and in their 1000s they do, and at any age. [Read more...]

“It’s a miracle!”

For her, it was a miracle. Six months earlier, her husband told her he needed to leave her. She and their daughters were totally devastated at his decision.

Six months later they are back together!

For her it was a miracle and I can totally understand why she sees it that way.

When they both came to see me from his perspective the marriage was over and he had to go.

From her perspective of powerless panic, I knew she felt the situation was hopeless.

She had one hope in her mind, I would somehow magically stop him leaving and fix their marriage. [Read more...]

“OMG we should have seen this coming years ago”

This is a common statement I hear from couples who are on the edge of divorce who have my words that describe the reason for their disconnect ringing in their ears.

Many create conclusions for their disconnect and are way off the mark. You see natural patterns help us see a marital crisis in ways that make it unsolvable BUT…

When a coupe in crisis are helped to understand the reason for their disconnect and what has to change, in many it helps them see a new way forward, one they could never have imagined no matter how bright they are.

You see helping couples out of a crisis isn’t about fixing them it’s about giving them the tools so they can discover for themselves if they can with the right knowledge create a connection they would both enjoy again. [Read more...]

“Stop trying to fix your problems – you’re making them worse!’

This is a typical instruction I will give to couples who are on the edge of divorce and don’t know what to do or think.

Men and women are so disconnected to the impact of their behaviours with each other they are significantly reducing their chances of success without knowing.

Specifically what you will discover in today’s post is some behaviours and expectations so many people are using that are likely to accelerate their problems.

So the key is to become aware of what won’t work and start to become curious about what will.

The big picture of what I see first hand is people are creating behaviours that kill their attraction and break their connection. [Read more...]

Couples are clueless and it’s not their fault

Divorce rates are showing us as a population are clueless about what needs to happen for us to keep our relationships alive.

At the end of this post, I’m going to share three key focuses that must be mastered if the couple wants to be successful together. You’ll also read why one lady was flabbergasted at how she was a significant part of their marital problems – she thought he was the problem.

Couples are struggling for far too many years and are making it worse without knowing because they are not aware that being married for life needs a shift in thinking to make it work for life.

What you had when you decided to get married is in no way enough to keep the relationship alive for life.

You see, no one is naturally good at being married for life. I know there are many that think they are naturally intuitive, but they simply don’t have the perspective that’s not natural for them.  [Read more...]

The most common problem leading couples to divorce!

I sit at the sharp end of marital crisis every day. I see first hand what everyone is doing that’s leading them to divorce.

Far too many have no idea they are on this disastrous path until it’s too late.

Everyone comes in to see me with different problems affairs, loss of passion, loss of trust, money issues, loss of love and emotional connection, to name a few.

Every couple I see no matter what symptom they bring has this problem.

To understand this problem properly, we need to understand there is a global problem that most people suffer from. [Read more...]

What does a healthy relationship look like?

So many people are living in dysfunctional relationships and have no idea it’s unhealthy for them.

So in today’s post, I’m going to take you through some thoughts you may not be aware are important.

It’s true that successful couples have relationships that are easy to be in, but it’s easy because they have understood some fundamental skills of how to create a connected passionate life together.

Nature does NOT give us this critical knowledge so living together successfully is going to require some new knowledge.

1. You must be free to be connected to who you really are.

So many people change themselves in order to make the relationship work. A successful relationship must help you to become more of who you are not less. [Read more...]

“His emotions were sabotaging what he really wanted…”

What you are about to read is about is a gentleman in turmoil. He thought he had lost the girl he loved and his one-year-old son.

She had left him and this connected him to his core fears, emotions that were powerful enough to sabotage him from getting the very thing he wanted.

As his emotional system battled to avoid connecting to the pain of losing her, his behaviours kept on proving to her she had made the right decision.

In his quest to get her back, he was repelling her – he didn’t know.

I had to stop him losing control as he could lose her for good and I could see there was a real chance they were a good fit together at the core. [Read more...]

10 Critical Rules For Saving A Marriage From Divorce

I have spent many many years working only with couples who are in crisis and on the edge of divorce.

What I’ve learnt during this time is what works and what doesn’t that will enable a couple to learn if it’s actually possible to rebuild their marriage.

If you are struggling then this list below is the list I wish I knew when I was starting out with my own relationships. With this knowledge I could have saved my self a lot of time and discomfort.

So here are 10 rules

1. Get on the same page with your partners true perspective.

If you want a relationship to work, or you want to start to get your relationship out of a crisis, then you must hear what your partner is really saying to you. [Read more...]

How Do You Know Your Relationship Is Over?

Some people are staying in broken relationships for far too long they spend years fearful to put their hand up and share they are genuinely unhappy.

Some people share with me they did tell their partner they were unhappy, but when nothing changed they still stayed in the marriage unaware this action was teaching their partner their problems were not that bad after all.

In contrast, far too many people are making the assumption their relationship is over when in reality if they could see and connect to the root of why they feel that way they could have a very different perspective.

So understanding the end of a relationship is complex and is highly traumatic if they both don’t agree. [Read more...]

“Emotionally unavailable partner”

I see many couples where one person has become emotionally unavailable in the relationship. The effects are incredibly damaging to the relationship as every day that passes creates more distance and damage.

So many people come to me asking “how to deal with someone who is emotionally unavailable.”

Couples that end up in this pattern try to live in this distortion but it’s like a ticking bomb waiting to wreak havoc on their lives in the form of either affairs or separation and divorce.

Below are a few different examples of how emotionally unavailable relationships are created.

The emotionally unavailable men and women that I see usually have deep-rooted fears they are trying to avoid many have no idea this is happening to them. [Read more...]

“I was so embarrassed…”

One of the common traits of marriages that don’t last is when the couple stops being a team that’s creating a purposeful and exciting life together.

Many have gone down the road of becoming more enemies in a battle than team members. So many couples stop creating and building and switch to finger-pointing, defending and blaming.

As I was thinking about today’s post and the concept of being a team, an embarrassing moment came to mind – I had an experience I will never forget.

I was on a team-building weekend. I was about 30 years old at the time.

There was a group of 18 of us, and we were split into three groups. [Read more...]

Love is not a certainty

So many people become unstuck in their relationships because they are trying to make love a certainty.

Love isn’t something you can force or manipulate. It’s not something you can buy. Love is a force that’s created through understanding how to truly become vulnerable and valuable to another person.

People who’s relationship with themselves is poor can seek out relationships with others to heal their own problems with disastrous consequences.

If anyone tries to control love, they will help it naturally die.

This is why people who habitually protect themselves from their partners through misunderstandings naturally kill a love that really should have flourished.

So many people are fearful they are not enough or they won’t be love and so they create patterns to protect them. Some are very aware of their patterns and some are totally blind to how destructive they are to themselves and the marriage they desperately want to keep.

People who have experienced a traumatic connection with their parents will struggle. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? [Read more...]

Keeping their passion for each other alive

I was working with a couple, and the topic of motorbikes came up. This lady quickly commented that she wouldn’t let him have one! He sat sad and motionless looking down, saying nothing.

I smiled at her and said, “Is he five and are you his mum?”

One of the most important energies a relationship must create is the ability for both people to be free to be who they are so they can live the life they want to live.

The moment a persons’ energy is restricted in any way that person will start to lose connection with themselves and attach those bad feelings to their partner. [Read more...]

You’ll need tools to save a marriage

Year after year, I’ve been studying the many hidden destructive patterns couples are using to take them into a marital crisis. I have studied this so I can empower couples to actually see their problems clearly so they can take action and get out of their crisis with new behaviours.

Once couples can step out of their crisis and see why they are suffering, they can start to follow simple but powerful steps that can help them reinvest in themselves and their marriage without compromising themselves.

A client this week told me this knowledge had helped him become a far better person as well as a better husband.

This message from him is not a surprise to me because for the process to work permanently; it has to connect the person back with their true self.  [Read more...]

My partner doesn’t want to fix the marriage

One of the reasons couples in crisis struggle to reconnect is because they have not acted quick enough and are either now full of confusing and conflicting feelings or have made the decision.

For me to help couples I must understand the structure of their crisis and understand the mindset of the person wanting to leave this is one of the critical elements needed to give them the best chance of discovering their truth.

Understand the perspective of the person that wants to leave is so important.

Even a person who sounds 100% verbally committed to leaving can have a small part of them that says “are you sure you’re doing the right thing?” So these people will be on a mission to look for more proof that leaving is a good idea. – They will find it!

Some thought their problem would just go away. Some just go into survival mode and shut down. Some just focus on their job or the children and don’t think past this focus.  [Read more...]

28 Early warnings couples must never ignore

Life long, intimate relationships are packed full of hidden problems that can be catastrophic to the couples ability to stay connected.

It’s critical to know early when you and your relationship is in a pattern that could be destructive to its future. Many of these patterns can be understood and overcome.

Below is a list of patterns that should never be ignored.

1. The couple that never argues. Nine times out of ten this couple dynamic will have a low passion relationship will little to no sex life.

2. The couple that can’t stop arguing. This erodes their connection and stacks resentments that can create emotional detachments.

3. Relationship contains someone that always needs to be right or wants to win arguments. [Read more...]