“Last Chance Saloon” Part 1 – Please help me get my wife back

Helping couples make the right decision about the rest of their lives is a huge responsibility I take very seriously. The future of their relationship and family hangs in the balance of me getting their strategy right to give them clarity.

Some couples have done what they can themselves but are stuck. Some have sought help but are either stuck or still no further forward.

A sentence I hear often is I’m their “Last Chance Saloon”.

Some people call in because they have a partner who has no interest in seeking help and these people feel very lost and alone – so today’s post is to help those people learn where there is hope. [Read more...]

The easiest way to save your marriage and reignite passion

When couples come to me for help I must take them through some very specific and enlightening stages. These stages are designed to make it easy for both people to see the reality of why they are in trouble and help them reinvest in their marriage so it’s a win-win for both people.

I start their process by engaging in some short-term marriage crisis management where I split their behaviours into two camps.

  1. The things they must stop doing because they are making the marriage worse.
  2. The things they must start doing that will be the first bricks in their foundation to support their ability to learn what they must do to get to the right decisions.

The fundamental challenge all couples have is rooted in some kind of trust challenge.

That could be affairs of course but trust in our partners’ ability to keep us safe have our backs, want the best for us, allow us to grow, be who we want to be and trust our partner to really hear us – these are a few typical examples of trust breaks. [Read more...]

“I lost myself in my marriage”

If you want to build a successful marriage you’ll need the courage to be who you really are with your husband or wife. NOT being your true self is a fundamental issue and one of the root problems that lead many couples to wrongly divorce. 

The reason not being connected to your true self is such an issue is because your happiness is conditional on you becoming what you say is important. So if a naturally loving and fun person stops being loving and fun this will make them unhappy and eventually feel exhausted.

What you’re about to read will be tough for some people to hear, they won’t want to hear this message and sadly they’ll end up learning the hard way. [Read more...]

WHY are we struggling to fix our marriage problems?

In today’s post, I’m going to present some typical scenarios I might see in couples crisis meetings.

Once you have scanned through them I’m going to offer you some thoughts that are important to consider that could affect your future.

Here goes….

  • Why does a man keep his relationship alive with his wife for 20 years only to tell her out of the blue he wants a divorce?
  • Why does a woman become negative and controlling in her marriage?
  • Why does she never let go of anything?
  • Why does he diminish her feelings and never listen to her?
  • Why does a woman have a three-year affair and then spend every waking hour trying to save her relationship from divorce when he finds out? [Read more...]

Want to save your marriage? Get on the Same Page FAST!

The most common skill that is lacking in almost every couple I see is their inability to understand their partners’ world.

BUT…

…it’s not their fault.

Nowhere in our education system or from parents are we taught how to really understand another person’s experience. We assume the way the world works for us is roughly the same for others.

If you want a lifelong passionate relationship then understanding your partner’s emotional experience and how they interpret their world it is going to be a critical skill to learn before you can achieve a successful life together. [Read more...]

“I don’t love my partner anymore – please help me”

So many couples unwittingly create a dynamic that helps them fall out of love with each other.

These couples don’t know what they have done to kill their love so they struggle to gain those feelings back and many eventually conclude the relationship simply can’t work.

So many people come to me with this question.

I have fallen out of love with my partner can it come back? The simple answer is yes but there is a process to enable that to happen.

That process is not obvious or logical which is why so many couples struggle.

I have to show them exactly what they did to kill their love trust and passion for each other.

They then will need a plan to understand what they have to STOP doing right now so they stop hurting each other and then they must learn what they must START doing to support reconnection and the growth of their relationship. [Read more...]

He was visibly shocked: Transformation out of depression and anxiety

What do you do when you can feel your life is falling apart and you don’t know why or how to stop it?

Earlier this year a gentleman attended a meeting with me. He told me two years ago a couple who were his friends had come to see me and because they were delighted with their transformation they both said he must come and get my help as his marriage was suffering.

He said he didn’t know why it had taken so long to book in but he said he was now in so much pain and suffering he couldn’t see a way out and didn’t think anyone could help.

As he shared his story I could hear he was very stuck.

He was CEO of a tech company BUT he rarely went to work because he lived with terrible anxiety and depressive moods.

His business was suffering massively as a result.

He had also moved out of his family home as the marriage became impossible for them both.

He suffered from such bad reactions to his family even his children struggled with him and he was losing a relationship with them all. [Read more...]

Worst relationship mistakes

When I look at all the couples in severe crisis who have decided to seek my help they all have similar traits.

A few typical problems they come with could be problems such as circular conflicts, affairs, problems with in-laws, loss of love or a dead sex life.

Whatever their problem all these couples have made similar relationship mistakes that have lead them to their crisis.

So what is taking so many couples into crisis and what do they have to know to make a good life decision moving forward?

1. They don’t know how to keep their passion alive. [Read more...]

“I don’t have a voice in my relationship”

I see many couples where one person has kept quiet about their own personal suffering in their marriage and it’s devastating for the marriage and can lead the couple into crisis.

  • I see men that say nothing because for him a problem shared is a problem doubled.
  • I see women who once tried to be open with their husband only to discover she’s not emotionally safe when she does.
  • I see individuals that have no voice in their marriage because they have lost connection with themselves.
  • I see people who don’t know how to verbalise their real needs so they suffer in silence.
  • I see people who have had traumatic pasts and they lock those pasts away but still suffer the effects in silence.
  • I see people who have experienced affairs that no longer talk about it but it’s still alive in their marriage years later.
  • I see so many people who don’t say a word because they feel there is no point, some had learnt to keep quiet as children and some learnt it in the marriage.

Here are some REAL LIFE examples of silence leading to a crisis: [Read more...]

“You can’t leave your wife until you know this”

Unless you have learnt how to understand and fill up your partner with what they really need you simply can’t leave that relationship safe in the knowledge you have done all you can.

So it’s critical for people who are struggling in an unhappy relationship to really understand the complexity of why they are in trouble before they put themselves and their family through painful changes.

One lady came to me after running the same destructive pattern in 3 long-term relationships without knowing.

She was now 57 and about to give up on love until she learnt her behavioural patterns were never going to meet her own needs and would stop her meeting any man’s needs.

She was shocked and stunned at such a waste of her life and really sad she probably should have stayed with her first husband who she had 2 children with. [Read more...]

What is really causing your relationship problems?

When couples try to solve their relationship problems most will notice they will either be making them worse or some will try to bury them as a means to move on and stay together.

What I see is people doing their best to get to a good place but without really understanding the structure of their problem and what is really blocking their success.

The key to helping a couple reconnect regardless of their situation is to help them see the structure of their problems so they are armed to work together as a team to battle their problems rather than each other.

The first mission is stopping the couple making their problem worse.

By understanding the core structure of the problem and learning the tools to navigate their way out of their issues the couple can avoid solving the wrong problems. [Read more...]

Why do so many couples struggle to communicate?

Have you ever wondered why so many intimate couples across the globe are struggling to get through to each other?

Effective communication for so many couples can seem almost impossible but it’s, of course, critical for the health and longevity of the relationship.

Couples that can’t communicate can find they lose trust and respect for each other as they try to get their partner to see things their way or defend themselves from their partners attack on their character.

Some go round in circles, some have the same argument over and over, some bicker about everything and anything and some just give up.

If you were to speak to both parties they will be 100% convinced they are being clear and yet their partner can take their words and make them mean something totally different.

Some people are so flabbergasted by their partners’ behaviours they embark on a quest to help them become more like them because life would be easier that way. Be more like me is their solution and is usually a recipe for disaster.  [Read more...]

7 Mistakes couples are making that can lead them to divorce

When I started researching relationships I was staggered at how much information I had to learn. For example, every couple is totally unique and they have created very unique ways to experience their problem(s). 

This meant every couple requires totally unique solutions based on a well-defined plan to help them solve their specific problem(s). This results in couples needing multiple approaches to interrupt and permanently correct corrosive patterns.

In today’s post, I’m going to share some of those patterns that help couple lose their connection without them knowing. This post is designed to help any couple reading this stop making their situations worse by either stopping the corrosive behaviour or to seeking help to stop out of control patterns.

1. Lose connection with yourself

It’s so easy to lose a connection with yourself in a relationship. [Read more...]

He filed for divorce totally unaware of the truth

In November 2016 he told me he was done – this was his first and last meeting with me and he was going to file for divorce. He was fed up with years of her being negative and controlling of him and everything around her.

He said he loved who she was when they first met but over the years and after a first child she had changed and he was now unable to stay with her.

He told me the relationship had been so difficult for him he felt he had no choice but to seek love elsewhere.

So he created a secret relationship with another woman and stayed with his wife not wanting to leave his child. It was his way of staying with the family but he was now at the end and needed to move on. [Read more...]

Should she leave him?

How many people feel real physical and emotional pain through their relationship and use that message to leave their marriage?

Naturally, it makes total sense for anyone to leave a relationship that’s full of pain.

So if it keeps being painful then obviously the relationship is the problem so leaving it will stop the pain – right?

Well, I helped this lady learn that she would be safer if she took a deeper look.

[Read more...]

How to solve marriage problems!

The answer to this question is you must find a way to see your problems in solvable terms. Many people are looking at their relationship problems as impossible to solve and it’s this thinking that helps them give up or break a relationship that could have worked.

If you are a regular reader you will know I don’t think all marriages can or should be saved. What couples in trouble should do is become curious to understand the root of their marriage problems so they don’t make a mistake they’ll regret.

Below are some brief situations that looked impossible to solve until they really understood what was happening and what to do about it.  [Read more...]

Rebuilding trust in a relationship

We can lose trust in our partners in many different ways. You can lose your trust in someone or they can lose their trust in you. Trust can be lost through obvious routes such as affairs and circular conflict, or through lack of understanding, loss of respect and lack of care to name a few.

Losing trust can be devastating for any couple as TRUST is one of the core foundations needed to keep the couple’s connection alive.

So what’s the cost of not rebuilding the trust?

So many people end up naturally protecting themselves from their partner because they lose trust without really understanding the hidden dangers of this practice.

My clients have learnt that protecting themselves through stacking resentments will be leading the marriage to a dangerous position where feelings that keep the relationship alive can start to die. [Read more...]

What does your partner really need to be happy?

If you want a successful relationship for life then meeting your partners’ core needs is going to be one of the critical elements to achieving this lifelong goal.

In essence meeting each other’s needs should be simple, but when you look closer you will discover many hidden challenges.

Most people don’t start looking at their relationship needs until it starts to become a problem. This decision is the big mistake everyone makes.

You see if you wait until the relationship is in trouble at this point the desire to meet needs is rarely high if you can’t trust your partner to meet your needs.

I was discussing this concept with a client this week. He was convinced he had done all he could and it was his wife who needed my help.  [Read more...]

Relationships suffer without this…

Far too many people are suffering in their relationships. As I watch couple after couple go through my programs I see really lovely people who despite doing their best are living their own personal hell.

All these people have made themselves incompatible without meaning to. They never set out to harm their marriage, but the marriage is breaking down and they are suffering not knowing what to do.

Some try to bury their heads, some keep trying and inevitably some become so emotionally empty they can give up through exhaustion.

The paths to relationship trauma are varied, so the solution for each couple has to be different however the goal/destination for all these couples is the same. [Read more...]

Can a Leopard change its spots?

Many people come into my session with years of experiencing their partner being a certain way. They need their partner to change, but they are not convinced it’s possible so they sit in the relationship protecting themselves from their partner.

So they ask me “can a Leopard change its spots?”

One gentleman came in with a severe marriage issue and he was trying to save it – she wanted a divorce, but he had terrible anger problems.

He told me he was going to anger management. I said “Why do you want to manage it? Don’t you want to get rid of it?”

I went on to explain to him that his anger was designed to meet his core needs and because it kept meeting those needs through his anger he would always behave this way. [Read more...]