Crisis Point: Is there a way forward?

If you are in crisis and need help, my practice has a very successful history of helping couples and individuals with what they would consider to be impossible to solve problems. I’m the person that gets the call to help many high profile couples or individuals keep their stories private whilst providing swift solutions.

For many couples and individuals I do become their last hope. Many will have tried different change therapies and still do not have a solution which is frustrating.

Below are a number of cases that came for my help. Each case has a very different problem that had put them into crisis with no logical way out. My message through these stories below is, just because there doesn’t seem to be a way out of the crisis it doesn’t mean there isn’t one. [Read more...]

What really causes a person to want to leave their relationship?

If you were wanting to save your relationship then the answer to this question is potentially gold, and the answer is not what you think. If you are thinking of leaving your relationship then this may help you understand what is happening to you.

Leaving a relationship is a big life changing step and so it’s important to understand what’s really going on to make sure the emotional distress is not creating a fog that could lead to a permanent mistake.

To be clear I agree certain couples shouldn’t be together, however far too many couples are splitting up because they are unaware of what you are about to read. [Read more...]

Couples are creating destructive dynamics under the illusion they are safer that way

If you want a relationship for life then what you are about to read is going to be critical to understand. If you are in marital crisis it’s so important to understand how you got there. In fact what you are about to read is for anyone who values relationships and wants to keep them, or save them.

The challenge all couples face is one or both people can develop a need to feel safe and secure in the relationship. They want to feel certain their partner will always love them, be there for them. All sounds reasonable so far…

To be clear, the challenge isn’t in the needing to feel safe and secure, the challenge is the way nearly everyone does it.

Remember the divorce rate is really high for a reason, [Read more...]

Attraction Attraction Attraction

What you are about to read is an important foundation that helps couples migrate from crisis to reconnection. So if saving your relationship is your goal then this will be important to learn.

Attraction is a critical part of what makes couples successful and this goal sits as a key objective when I’m working with couples who have lost their way. I know many people will think I’m talking just about physical attraction and to some degree that is important, BUT physical attraction is just one small part of the mix.

When couples first meet and that meeting generates an energy that both people enjoy, their attraction to each other is automatic, it’s an energy that naturally happens within them both.  [Read more...]

Want a better relationship?

I’m sure it’s not going to be a surprise to learn that couples with great relationships are going to be doing things very differently to those with relationships that are not working.

The question is what are they doing that’s different? What is it that actually connects couples for life? The couples that are life long connectors all have created similar behaviours. In todays post I’m going to talk about some of these key areas.

I’m going to start with what I believe sits at the heart of a successful relationship and then add in a few key elements that keep the relationship alive year after year.

The heart of a great relationship is a great friendship. This is what Cloe and I have created together, it’s what I teach in my sessions and is what I see in couples that have gone from crisis to reconnection. [Read more...]

She said she no longer loved him…

Loss of love is a very common problem that shows up in my consultations. It’s a terribly difficult problem for couples and many give up not knowing the simple steps to reigniting feelings that have died. 

As you scan through my words below you will see a snap shot of how this couple were guided out of this horrible situation.

This lady turned up with her husband. She told me she had lost her feelings for her husband.

She told me without those feelings of love she didn’t believe she could carry on the relationship. They had young children and I knew those children were the reason she was sat in front of me.

Her feelings had died and to help them I needed to know why? I also knew she didn’t know the answer to that question.

There was no affair, he was hard working, he loved the children, he had a successful business. On paper they had all the ingredients for a successful life. [Read more...]

Are we compatible?

Are we compatible? This is a very common question and one that gets asked a lot when I’m working with couples? Couples that come for my help want to know if the problems they have are fixable, or do they have some deep-seated problem hardwired into their relationship?

For most couples in crisis the reason they feel incompatible is because that’s exactly what’s happened, they have created an incompatible dynamic. Their dynamic has changed for some reason.

This change of dynamic will create feelings that one or both people simply can’t live with.

The good news is for most couples this state is not permanent once we understand the underlying cause(s). [Read more...]

Relationship problems? This is critical to know…

Today I’m going to share how one woman reconnected with her trouble teenage daughter, why a woman chose not to leave her husband and what these two stories have in common that will be affecting everyone’s relationship right now.

  • If your partners needs are different from yours and you don’t know what those differences are, how difficult would it be to connect to each other?
  • What if your partners primary needs change as they go through different life stages how confusing would that be?
  • What if a person needs are not being met, they don’t know what their needs are, or how to share them?
  • What if a person expects their partner to know what they need because they assume their partner has the exact same needs as them?

If you want to have a meaningful connection with anyone in your family then understanding and respecting what they need is critical to maintain a connection that works. [Read more...]

What’s killing your relationship?

Many people are killing their relationship without knowing. Below I have created a simple list of the kinds of behaviours I see that consistently break relationships. Any one of these will cause problems and many couples practice many all at once. 

Many people create negative feelings within them and then attach those feelings to their relationship.

Too many people practice these relationship eroding behaviours and are not aware they are part of the problem they are complaining about.

The saddest part is too many couples [Read more...]

Rebuilding trust to regain emotional connection

When a person in a relationship believes that their emotional self is not being looked after or respected by their partner they are highly likely to want to protect themselves from the person that is supposed to love them.

The process of protecting themselves leads that person to lose trust in their partners ability or desire to care about what they are thinking or feeling.

If this need to protect ones self goes on for long enough then the couple are in danger of one or worse both people emotionally detaching and this can be catastrophic for that couple.

The near impossible challenge is to love someone whilst needing to protect yourself from them. This process of protection leads people to feelings that suggest they love their partner, but they are not in love with them. [Read more...]

An unexpected journey

 

Written By Ben Caesar 

I first met Stephen in the summer of 2015 at a time when my life had become turbulent and my second marriage was failing. Originally, I had intended to attempt to use Stephen’s expertise to help my wife and I to reconcile and work out the problems that had developed during our short marriage. 

We had faced a 6 month period from hell with failed IVF, job loss and the death of a father on a background of ongoing professional exams and my transfer into the regular Army; more than enough life events to test the mettle of any couple’s relationship.

However, for reasons best known to my wife, she couldn’t find it in herself to allow Stephen to help her with our relationship, and so I continued to see Stephen, and something remarkable happened to me as a result. [Read more...]

Want to avoid a divorce?

When a relationship is going well it’s one of the biggest sources of pleasure, but when problems strike and specifically problems the couple don’t know how to solve the individual(s) can start to suffer.

Some suffer quietly and some are vocal about their experience.

When a person suffers for too long this can lead them to an emotional detachment process and as a result they can create feelings that tell them their love for their partner is dead permanently, it’s important to know that assumption is not necessary a fact.

The biggest problem couples face is not having the tools to understand what is really happening in their relationship. So they adopt these kinds of positions… [Read more...]

What really helps to fix marriage problems?

The simple answer to this question is in their patterns of behaviour. Couples can create patterns which can create a negative ping-pong effect in their relationship. Both people can then end up protecting themselves from each other which is disastrous for their future together. If the relationship is to be saved then it’s important to break these patterns and build new ones that are safe for both people.

Of course sharing each others experience through talking about the relationship is important when trying to solve any problem(s).

When the couple understand the truth in their relationship then there is a potential of an intellectual understanding of their situation. [Read more...]

What makes a great marriage?

Every couple is unique and their vision for a great marriage will differ across the world. If these couples were aware of the knowledge that would keep their marriage safe no matter what, it would make a significant difference to a trend that is leading so many couples to the end of their marriage.

To take a relationship where two people are fulfilled and connected passionately they need to be aware of some simple skills.

The first skill is to become aware of what you don’t know.

From the start of your relationship your partner is going to be having a very different experience from you within your relationship, [Read more...]

Are you valuable to your partner?

If anyone wants to create a relationship that’s successful and life long there are some simple principals that are key to follow.

The overriding principal is to add value to your relationship in a meaningful way for your partner. Far too many people do not understand what this actually means and sadly they are destroying their relationship without realising.

Adding value to your relationship means very simply to put yourself in your partners shoes and experience your relationship from their perspective. This simple process provides the ability to create a meaningful connection that forms the foundation that keep the relationship naturally strong. [Read more...]

Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness

When I really understood what this meant my life totally changed forever and is foundational in my clients transformation(s). You see the act of moving away from what you don’t want (unhappiness) does not necessarily move you towards what you do want.

In fact the act of moving away from what we don’t want “our fears” is highly likely to make those fears come true.

One lady came to me last year, she had discovered that her husband had been having an affair. When I asked her about the relationship from her perspective she told me this was her biggest fear.

She said she knew this would happen. She knew he would have an affair. [Read more...]

“Thank you for not giving up on me…”

These were the words from a woman that months before swore blind that her marriage was dead. She was thanking her husband for not giving up the fight to save his relationship and family.

Months before she sat in my office telling me that she would explore the relationship, but her mind was made up, she wasn’t in love with her husband and she had to leave.

She also presented a relationship history that essentially said she never really loved him and she had made a mistake marrying him.

To him this was a total contradiction of his experience, he even bought up letters and cards of love that she had written to him over the years. She denied any of it was real and she was playing a part. [Read more...]

What’s getting in the way of the relationship you really wanted?

I started to explore the world of intimate relationships for myself more than three decades ago. What drove me was the proof that something in my own relationship life was wrong.

As a young man I thought that I understood relationships. My relationships usually started off great, but it wasn’t long before those feelings changed. Either my partners changed, or I changed, or we both changed.

It was obvious to me back then that they were the problem! I never knew back then how wrong I was. My thinking was if I did change this was because they changed first, or that they were unreasonable.

As I look back today on my younger self I can see that I was ill prepared in knowledge and skill to create the dream I had in my mind. As I started to explore the world of relationships I started to realise I was not alone. [Read more...]

Should we save our marriage?

Saving a marriage can seem an impossible feat especially if you’re in a marriage where no matter what you do it doesn’t seem to have any positive effect. It’s especially challenging when the trust is broken and for some, impossible when years of disconnection helps the individuals feel their love has died permanently.

Feelings in these situation are powerful, but many couples are learning that what they feel today can change. So trusting feelings that can break up a family must be met with some caution.

Most of the couples I work with come for my help through personal recommendations, or from professional recommendations such as Lawyers, GP’s, Psychologists etc.

Personally am very proud of the results couples are receiving. A recent couple said “…without my help their marriage would now be over”. This couple is Case No.1** illustrated below. [Read more...]

Affairs – Infidelity – Cheating is it a sign of things to come or simply a wake-up call?

I’m sure it comes as no surprise that dealing with Infidelity makes up a significant percentage of my work with couples. In these situations my job isn’t just to save their marriage, it’s to learn how they got into this position and to help the couple discover if it’s possible to rebuild a dynamic that works for them both.

Sadly many people who embark on affairs are not understanding what’s happening within them. For some they are putting a relationship they want to keep on the line.

For others they could be keeping a relationship artificially alive that is actually dead whilst their needs are meet through the new secret relationship. [Read more...]