What’s getting in the way of the relationship you really wanted?

I started to explore the world of intimate relationships for myself more than three decades ago. What drove me was the proof that something in my own relationship life was wrong.

As a young man I thought that I understood relationships. My relationships usually started off great, but it wasn’t long before those feelings changed. Either my partners changed, or I changed, or we both changed.

It was obvious to me back then that they were the problem! I never knew back then how wrong I was. My thinking was if I did change this was because they changed first, or that they were unreasonable.

As I look back today on my younger self I can see that I was ill prepared in knowledge and skill to create the dream I had in my mind. As I started to explore the world of relationships I started to realise I was not alone. [Read more...]

Should we save our marriage?

Saving a marriage can seem an impossible feat especially if you’re in a marriage where no matter what you do it doesn’t seem to have any positive effect. It’s especially challenging when the trust is broken and for some, impossible when years of disconnection helps the individuals feel their love has died permanently.

Feelings in these situation are powerful, but many couples are learning that what they feel today can change. So trusting feelings that can break up a family must be met with some caution.

Most of the couples I work with come for my help through personal recommendations, or from professional recommendations such as Lawyers, GP’s, Psychologists etc.

Personally am very proud of the results couples are receiving. A recent couple said “…without my help their marriage would now be over”. This couple is Case No.1** illustrated below. [Read more...]

Affairs – Infidelity – Cheating is it a sign of things to come or simply a wake-up call?

I’m sure it comes as no surprise that dealing with Infidelity makes up a significant percentage of my work with couples. In these situations my job isn’t just to save their marriage, it’s to learn how they got into this position and to help the couple discover if it’s possible to rebuild a dynamic that works for them both.

Sadly many people who embark on affairs are not understanding what’s happening within them. For some they are putting a relationship they want to keep on the line.

For others they could be keeping a relationship artificially alive that is actually dead whilst their needs are meet through the new secret relationship. [Read more...]

Can your subconscious mind can help you fall out of love

The simple answer is yes. Many individuals will communicate they have fallen out of love with their husband or wife. What they are not aware of is, to achieve this emotional state they had to do something to themselves to achieve it.

Falling out of love does not just magically happen there is a process within a person that enables it.

Because this persons experience of falling out of love is going to be driven by their subconscious mind they will experience automatic FEELINGS.

The person will feel their feelings have just happened to them, therefore this is their truth, when in reality they actually created them without knowing. This will leave the person telling a ‘truth’, the feelings they used to experience such as ‘love’ have gone, but not necessary forever because feelings such as ‘love’ can come and go depending on what we do. [Read more...]

Want to solve your problems?

Do you feel that your problems are impossible to solve? Any individual or couple that have a problem they feel is impossible to solve is going to feel that way for one reason.

They are keeping their problem alive by the way they are approaching their problem(s).

It’s easy to keep approaching a problem in the same way, keep failing and then concluded it’s impossible to solve. So many couples are divorcing for the wrong reason and they have no idea. Many feel they have tried everything, however the truth is it’s likely they have only tried what they can think of trying.

A lady came to me recently, she was struggling to get over a recent break-up. She was clearly harming herself with her approach to her challenge, no sleep, loss of weight, emotionally empty she was heading for bigger problems and she knew it. [Read more...]

At our wits end, divorce was the final option

Barry and Jemima had hit rock bottom. They didn’t know where to turn for help. Initially they booked and postponed their initial consultation with me multiple times. I knew they were both very nervous.

In a recent session I asked them what advice would they give to others who were also unsure what to do. They both decided to share their thoughts with you.

Barry writes:

We were 20 years together and hit a major breakdown in our relationship, at our wits end, divorce was the final option.  We decided to try and find help, but hours of searching on the internet for “counsellors” yielded zero results…then we found Stephen. [Read more...]

How to move a relationship out of crisis?

If you are in crisis and you want to make a change in your relationship then it’s critical that the process of making that change is understood if you are to be successful.

The most common scenario I see is when one person feels the relationship has died. They have lost their feelings for their partner and do not know how to get their feelings back. Some of course don’t even want to try.

One person is likely to be in a position where they are desperate to save the relationship and they can get very busy trying to stop them leaving.

Individuals panicking to save their relationship will usually notice they are making their fragile situation much worse through taking the wrong actions. The result is they are likely to see their partner become more detached the more they try to keep them in the relationship. Both people can now feel stuck. [Read more...]

Signs your marriage is heading for serious problems

All marriages will have problems, what’s important is how you both deal with those problems. Many couples are not seeing they are heading for a divorce until it’s far too late.

As you scan through the list below the couples I see who are all in crisis  have all communicated a combination of the problems below.

So this is a heads up on some of what’s important to be focused on as a sign that changes are needed to rebuild the relationship so it lasts.

No emotional connection

If you don’t have the emotional connection you think you should have, then you have a gap in your relationship that will create emotional pain. If you don’t know how to close that gap then the pain will start to go deeper. [Read more...]

Emotional disconnection is crippling relationships

I can’t stress enough how important this is as it’s probably the most common message I hear when I’m helping couples rebuild their relationship out of crisis. 

For example: Many females complain that their partners don’t understand them. They feel they can’t connect emotionally with their partner and so if they have ever tried it’s a hopeless quest.

They feel the relationship has little depth, it’s essentially transactional. Some do claim to get on very well, but their attraction sexually is disconnected so they live more as friends.

Many of these females feel their partner either doesn’t care or lacks the ability to be able to connect with her.

I also see many men feeling equally not heard and misunderstood they just show it very different ways. Many men complain that no matter what they do it doesn’t work so in the end they can give up. [Read more...]

First step to solving relationship problems

If you want to solve your relationship problems then your approach has to move you both towards a place that will create a world you both can agree is the way it should be.

For most couples who are struggling this can feel totally impossible. The reason it feels impossible is because the way they are approaching their problems is likely to be making them feel much worse without knowing.

Most individuals both want to be happy, however their individual approaches to achieving this desired emotional state are so different, both people WILL become confused by each other. [Read more...]

How to regain trust in a relationship?

Whenever there is a breach of trust in a relationship it can feel impossible to get that trust back. Especially if it seems that a breach of trust has happened multiple times.

What you are about to read is what the smart people are learning so please read carefully. You see, when dealing with relationship challenges the logic you think will fix the problems is rarely what will. So if you want to learn what really works please become curious about what your going to discover below.

For every couple who are experiencing problems, loss of trust is going to be one of their biggest challenges.

It’s obvious that someone might want to know, how to rebuild trust after cheating, or after an affair, however trust is not only attached to other people, infidelity and lying… [Read more...]

Masterclass series Part 3: How to keep your sexual energy alive

A couple who are not sexually connected are basically friends or roommates and for many they are not even that. I hear so many couples share how they have been sexually disconnected for 10+ years. It’s shocking to hear and so important to get right.

This Masterclass Series is all about helping couples avoid getting into these situations, however if you are in crisis this information is going to be valuable to you too. As you read through this post you’ll start to see what builds to make sexual connection so much easier.

So imagine this, a couple who tell me they are in crisis enter my session. They tell me they have spent six weeks with a sex therapist and the result is the relationship is now much worse than when they started. They are now discussing splitting-up.

I asked them why did they feel that a sex therapist was the right route for them?

They explained that the relationship had been dead sexually for 2 years and [Read more...]

Masterclass series Part 2: How to create a safe connected passionate relationship

It seems for so many this ideal is reserved for the “happy ever after films” and those “lucky couples” and the harsh reality is nature never really designed us to live alone together in a box called a home.

Why do so many couples seem to get it so wrong and why do others seem to have it all?

From my perspective please don’t be swayed by how good you think other couples relationships are. It seems that many couples are very good at publicly putting on a united front, but the reality is very different behind closed doors, I know they tell me.

The starting point is if a couple communicates their relationship is not how it should be, please know that it’s more likely because the couple don’t have the core skills and tools to build the relationship they want rather than the relationship is wrong. [Read more...]

Masterclass series Part 1: Why has our relationship lost it’s passion?

With passion, attraction and sexual energy being the life blood of any intimate relationship it’s critical that a couple understands how to keep this side of their relationship alive whilst knowing the hidden pitfalls that can kill it dead.

Many people, men and women complain their relationship has become passionless or loveless. They are experiencing either the passion dying over time, or one person has simply lost attraction for their partner.

This loss of passion and attraction is likely to be happening for a very good reason, but the couple will usually be unaware of what’s happening before it’s too late. [Read more...]

Vulnerability is it a Strength or a Weakness?

Today I’m going to talk about vulnerability. For many this word equals weakness, but if understood could it really free a persons life and become their biggest source of strength?

Many people will do all they can to avoid being vulnerable and the way they achieve this is by creating a self-inflicted numbness within themselves.

So if a person is feeling vulnerable in a relationship they will find a way to numb themselves so they can avoid the emotional pain of feeling vulnerable.

We see vulnerability avoidance in a relationship when two people love each other and they are both fearful of saying it first. We see vulnerability avoidance when a person wants sex, but is fearful of being rejected. We seen vulnerability avoidance in those not wanting a new relationship after a painful break-up. It’s all around us being practised every day. [Read more...]

Is it possible to think yourself out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing?

Impossible you may think, but please think again, sadly it’s totally possible and is a real problem I see on a regular basis. Below is one example of this in action. The simple fact is too many individuals are unaware that the way they think is subconsciously controlling how they feel about their relationship and their partner.

So a person can literally create thoughts that can lead them to feel they have to leave a relationship that is actually the right relationship for them.

What I’m talking about specifically is how a person can condition their feelings through the way they think.

I’m sure you have heard the story of Pavlov’s dog. The story goes like this, Pavlov rang a bell and then immediately fed his dog. He repeated this process a few times. The dog learned to associate the sound of the bell with food and would begin salivating when the bell was rung. [Read more...]

Stopping the battles and power struggles

In todays post I’m going to share a conversation I had with a couple who were in real trouble with no clear route to success.

When a couple comes for help one of my first jobs is to stop that destructive circular pattern because going round in circles does NOT create more love and growth. What it creates is frustration, anger, and sadness, the very poisons that accelerate the relationship towards separation and divorce.

Couples can hit conflict because they are so focused on their problem(s), but when they see what caused their problems they are usually both happy/relieved to be on the same side solving the problems which is what we need. [Read more...]

Want to save your marriage?

If an individual or couple really wants to save their marriage they have to understand how they are going to positively influence their situation.

When a marriage goes into crisis what the individuals in the relationship do next could change their lives forever so taking swift action is critical because once a problem takes hold shifting it is a really challenge especially if you don’t know how.

Many people make it far worse without knowing and they panic letting their fears take hold making the situation far worse.

Every situation is different and every couple needs help that’s tailored for their specific situation.

Through this post I cannot tell you what to do in your personal crisis to save your marriage because your best action will be different to the next couple. [Read more...]

Infidelity, depression, suicidality

What do you do when a man enters your session telling you he’s afraid he will end up killing himself. He was breaking down and didn’t know how to stop it. 

So confused he came to me with a quest to save his relationship which was really dead for him and his partner. 

This gentleman is a well known professional in his field and has been kind enough to share his words after a few weeks of us working together. He has asked for his words below to remain anonymous.

A 20 year relationship ended by my infidelity, and a breakdown which came seemingly out of nowhere when I ended the affair were the just the start of my problems.

I approached Stephen because I felt I had never given my long term relationship with the mother of my children a fair chance.  I believed that my addictive reaction to my affair partner had doomed my attempts at rebuilding the relationship when it first fell apart. [Read more...]

Too afraid to love…

If there was ever a list of problems that consumed the majority of couples, being ‘too afraid to love’ would be very high on that list. Sadly many individuals/couples are not aware that this is their challenge and as you read on you will discover why.

I see couples in crisis every week so I’m going to have a very unique perspective on the world of relationships, so in todays post i’m going to share what I’m seeing with these couples in crisis so if you are struggling this may help you.

If you were aware that ‘not being loved’ was one of the biggest fears for all humans then this might start to give us some perspective on why being ‘too afraid to love’ is such a widespread problem. [Read more...]