Feeling stuck? Fed-up of going round in circles?

Need a solution to a problem that has trapped you? It’s important to know that the thinking that helped to create a problem is not the thinking that will create a solution to the problem. Many people feeling stuck are not aware of this important fact and that’s why they go round in circles. This statement is especially true in relationships as the love, the trust , the respect dies and the relationship no longer meets the couples needs.

In this place the future for the couple dies and getting out of pain seems like the only pleasure.

There are many different types of problems, but what happens when a problem leads the person or the couple into a dead-end where one or both people are so stuck ending the relationship becomes a very real consideration?

To change the situation you have to change the way the individual or couple think about their problem that leads them to the truth. You see to become stuck they will have run out of ways to approach their problem. [Read more...]

You just don’t care about me!

She was desperate, she had tried and tried to get through to him. In the early days he did his best to comfort her, she liked the attention, but she knew deep down he didn’t really understand her.

As time passed she tried to get through to him, but his patience worn thin, no matter what he did she was miserable, rude and aggressive. He felt controlled, disrespected and untrusted. He tried to fix her problems, but she lacked respect for him and his efforts. He felt life with her was hopeless, he knew communication was fruitless so he stopped.

This worried her and so she became more upset, she said things she didn’t mean through frustration, she hoped he would wake up to her emotions. He didn’t, the more upset she became the more he retreated. Sometimes through frustration he would attack her verbally other times he would shut down and escape, sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally. [Read more...]

Do you know what feelings your partner is attaching to you?

As our relationships progress our partners are attaching feelings to us. This happens automatically without conscious thought.

So if you cast your mind back over the past week? The past month and the last few years what do you think your partner has attached to you and is it what you want them to attach to you?

Some couples experience heightened attachments, such as when a trust is broken. This can create an attachment that stays with that person forever. [Read more...]

I’m so sick of this…

One of the challenges couples face is when a partner brings what they call facts to the table and their partner disagrees. The couple can ping-pong and escalate out of control as both fight their corner.

So to be clear the persons feelings about what they are communicating will be true, but the facts as they communicate them will be perceptual based on many filters all humans use to create meaning.

Please remember that our mind is not a voice and video recorder.

If 100 people watch the same movie each person will create their own meaning and experience. This means we have 100 perceptions of the same fact. [Read more...]

Rebuild trust in marriage: Can A marriage Survive without it?

I’m just going to jump into this post fast today. Without trust the marriage is dead so it’s critical to rebuild trust in a marriage fast. Trust is a foundation of any relationship.

The reason trust is so important is because without trust the couple will lose their security with each other. If the security has gone the couple will struggle to connect emotionally.

Loss of emotional connection creates intimacy challenges. [Read more...]

I was on the verge of breaking a 4 year relationship

Loss of communication, lack of understanding, lack of respect and vision for the future now gone. Anyone could see this relationship was dead.

In fact it was dead, but the death was not permanent. This couple invested their time into my premium 3 month Divorce Prevention Program.

Just like many others they learnt how to rebuild their relationship from the ground up. [Read more...]

Without this skill most will relationships fail…

Yes it’s true, to build a successful relationship a particular skill is needed and if it is missing the survival of the relationship is dramatically challenged.

This skill is important for everyone, because everyone is different and without it couples struggle to feel secure with each other.

Security is critical in a relationship and this skill will help to build that safety.

The relationship needs to flow and feel easy and this skill will help the couple to feel that flow. [Read more...]

Do you have to understand your partners emotions before you will respect them?

Reassuring her everything will be okay

Couples who judge each other, or belittle their partners’ emotions will usually find resentment in their relationship and this can be very damaging.

One of the golden keys to a successful marriage is to take away judgment of your partners’ behavior(s).

If he or she feels something, that something is very real to them and even if it makes no sense to you, showing you care about them is critical. [Read more...]

What is most important to your partner?

Am I imporrtant to you?

I just don't feel that you care about me?

Is it you?

If anyone in a relationship / marriage feels that someone or something is more important to their partner than they are – there will be trouble.

What’s important to understand it’s doesn’t have to be the attractive female in the office who is just “a friend” or the man down the gym “giving her advice” that can cause problems for relationships. [Read more...]

Successful Marriages Don’t Just Happen…

Couples with problems all suffer from the same basic challenge. You see if a marriage is to survive then the focus of the individuals has to change.

Take a moment and think about the type of relationship that equals the one that you really want, the one that will fill you up, the one that will help you to feel all those emotions you long for.

Now ask yourself another question, who do I have to be to attract that relationship into my life?

Many people are disappointed with the way their partner behaves. [Read more...]

Relationship Quick Tips: Is Your Partner Qualified To Judge You?

In relationships many couples feel that they are qualified to judge each other. They feel comfortable in making their partner wrong.

This causes conflict…

Let’s be 100% clear, the only person that is qualified to judge you is you!

Any person making their partner wrong, is going to help their partner feel bad and they will attach those bad feelings to the relationship.

Judgments in this way don’t work and are destructive.

You can however judge how you feel and you can communicate that. As long as you don’t blame them for your emotional response.

I.E. When you did that what I experienced was this? This helps to avoid conflict.

It’s very likely your partner is not out to hurt you and will listen to you and respect your emotions.

Persistent judgements will kill the relationship… So don’t judge your partner, love your partner, especially if you want to keep the relationship!

Signs we have relationship problems…

I love my partner, but it’s just not working anymore! Is this you? If you and your partner love each other, but are just not getting on there is good news for you.

With the right focus and understanding a very fast shift can put you both back on track. You see most couples come for help far too late and so it just takes longer to build up the trust, respect and rebuild that intimate connection again.

So if they leave it too long they will feel so numb that leaving the relationship now feels far less painful and so an attractive option so please don’t ignore problems and never assume they have gone away. Many men have sat in my sessions very upset to have been asked for a divorce when they never knew there was a problem.

The reality was they thought the problems had gone away months or years before, but within her the problems were getting bigger, but she had stopped communicating because she saw no point.

So if you are still in love with each other, but are struggling NOW is the time to deal with this. These are the key signs to look out for… [Read more...]

What has to happen for you to be able to give your partner what they need?

Many couples hold back giving through resentment and loss of respect. Discover the top ten things that created those feelings for you and share them with your partner.

You partner may be totally unaware of how you really feel so help them understand you better and see what you can learn and that could help you grow..

I want to give to my partner when…

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“It Seems Like a Miracle…” Sara talks about her experience of working through her relationship problems with Stephen Hedger

My Husband and I had problems for over a year, so much so that my husband had moved out.

After 4 months of living separately, we decided to look for a marriage counselor. I did a lot of research on the internet and one day I got lucky and found Stephen Hedger’s website and i instantly liked the style of his coaching. [Read more...]

Is Withholding Love Part of Your Relationship Coping Pattern?

When couples experience problems in their relationship an automatic pattern usually appears. Couples find they have a need to withhold their love. They do it for two reasons firstly to protect themselves and secondly to punish their partner for the way they have been treated.

This pattern is automatic because we are conditioned growing up to move away from what causes us pain, plus society teaches us to punish a person when they have behaved badly.

The problem with pulling love away is it actually hurts the person who is pulling the love away and to make matters worse it actually hurts the relationship too. [Read more...]

Is it right to expect what you can’t give?

For example: I remember a man complaining that his partner was not respectful in the way she treated him and spoke to him. For him to feel respected he had to feel loved. This means love was more important to him than respect.

We now know love is an important value to him, so unless he felt important he wouldn’t give his love to her as a punishment. He didn’t want to reward her behaviour.

Of course this scared her and so she became more anxious resulting in her communicating her fear which is translated by him as not being respectful and unloving. [Read more...]

Sexual Problems: Number one reason why couples decide to separate and divorce

Loss of passion, loss of desire, loss of attraction. Relationships do not work well when intimacy goes. The relationship becomes vulnerable because sexual attraction is one of the key elements in a loving relationship.

If your relationship is suffering and your intimacy has died this cannot be ignored because this can cause real problems.

This lack of sexual connection can create, resentment and a lack of respect for each other

Without the sexual intimacy the couple becomes friends at best, so this really has to change if there is a desire to get the relationship back on track.

The sexual problems that most couples face are not medical, they are based on fears and control. Both men and women can choose to withhold sexual intimacy in their quest to control the power in the relationship.

Of course this never works whilst they might win the sexual battle, the war against the fears is being lost, because the fear that drove them to control is likely to come true.

Withholding love of any kind to control gain power, or punish your partner never works and will lead to relationship disaster separation or divorce.

Some people will lose interest in sex with their partner due to a lack of their core needs not being met.

It’s very common for a female to lose desire, or attraction for her partner if she feels uncertain when she looks at what her future will look like with him. It’s very common for men to lose interest if they feel they can never please their partners.

Can sexual intimacy be reignited?

Yes of course, once the reasons behind the fears, or the withholding are understood they can then form part of the solution for that couple.

DO NOT BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE
SAND WITH THIS ONE:

Reclaim Your Playful Passion

One of the biggest myths that couples tend to believe in is that the more time that passes the less passion they could expect. This is total RUBBISH and a myth created by those who don’t understand how to keep a relationship alive!

Maybe the myth was created to keep expectations low, just to keep people together happy with mediocre lives. Well the divorce rate proves people are not happy with mediocrity, they want more and I agree. I just disagree that affairs, splits and divorce is always the answer. Not every one can make it work, but knowing what to do makes a big difference.

  • The answer is: If you want to be good at something learn how to do it well and relationships are no different.

Lets start with learning how not to do it…

The 3 step formula for successfully removing passion from your relationship, without knowing

So if your relationship is lacking passion and you have lost the playful side to your relationship there are going to be reasons, below are the top 3.

Step 1. Lack of understanding

One of the reasons is going to be understanding, or a lack of it. When individuals in a relationship don’t feel that their partner understands them they feel hurt or pain. If they get too much proof that their partner doesn’t want to understand them, then they start to resent their partner.

Step 2. No appreciation of critical needs

Another core reason is needs. If your needs are not met you’re not going to be feeling very playful or sexy. If you feel that you partner is showing no desire to meet your needs then this also compounds the proof that you are not understood.

Step 3. Lack of trust and respect

If the above is how you are feeling the big problem will now be the worry that your partner cannot be trusted to give you want you really need and this may help you to feel that they don’t respect you.

Trust and respect are critical because without it you can kiss your passion goodbye.

So what’s the solution to “Reclaim Your Playful Passion”

Well clearly if the above steps are in your relationship, maybe it’s time to make a change and understand what you are doing wrong and put it right. You need growth in your relationship. Relationships DO NOT stand still. Relationships are either growing or dying.

If you want to keep yours, maybe it’s time to learn how to put that spark back and keep it there forever.

Relationship Master Skill FIVE of SEVEN

Yesterday we looked at how anyone can reignite the passion in their relationship and can give themselves permission to drop the accepted assumption that Relationships + Time automatically equals a loss of passion.

  • What we are getting to now is honesty in your relationship.
  • I have a question for you, is “honesty” important to you? I expect the answer is yes.
  • When is honesty important? Is it some of the time or all of the time? I expect you’ll want honesty all of the time.

Many couples I work with, and I see a lot every year all have one thing in common, they are not honest with each other and more importantly they are not honest with themselves. [Read more...]

Relationship Tip For Sunday

When couples get into relationship struggles one of the things they do is go in search of more problems and it’s doesn’t take long for them to find them.

They then put meanings to their problems, because as humans we have to make sense of what we think. Because we trust ourselves we then believe the meanings we create, those meanings become unchallenged facts.

Those facts then allow us to become the judge of our partners.

This is one of the most dangerous practices individuals make in their relationships. NO ONE, and I mean no one is qualified to judge the behaviours of their partners.

By all means give feedback on what effect their behaviours are having on you, but never judge them.

Your judgement will be based on your assumption of the intention behind their actions, and viewing their behaviours based on your life experiences and core values. Their behaviours will be based on their life experiences and core values which will be different to yours.

To complicate things further, men and women are designed to experience the world differently due to their inbuilt survival instincts.

So becarefull that some of your judgement is not based on them being in their true gender. This can cause problems as the couple can start to distort themselves to fit into the relationships thus causing even more resentment as a polarity shift can happen and the individuals can then become unhappy or depressed as life is not how it should be.

The woman becomes masculine and the man becomes feminine. Neither happy in these roles, but ironically stuck not wanting to change through fear.

Judgements of others shows you and those you judge little to no respect, values such as respect are important to us, not some of the time, ALL THE TIME!

When you don’t live by what you say you value, trouble, unhappiness, depression, relationship break-ups are never far away.

So…turn your judgments into a cry for help from your partner, that for them something is wrong, and they are telling you because they believe you can help them.

If you knew what they really needed was your help, what would you want to give them now…?