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Being attractive to your partner is critical, but being attractive is less about what you look like and more about how you behave and treat your partner. I have created over 40 relationship musts for couples that want a passionate relationship that lasts. Below is a sample 15 of those musts .
This is a question that I get asked almost every day… “are we compatible?” When relationships go wrong it’s the most obvious question. People worry “Maybe the relationship happened too fast, maybe we had children too quickly?”
It’s true that many people rush into relationships without thought.
Most people go into relationships based on a combination of key factors such as it was easy geographically i.e we worked together or live in the same town. [Read more...]
From children we are taught certain skills which are designed to hamper our progress through life? Not only does what we get taught cause us emotional problems, but it also magnifies problems in our relationships.
If you are unaware you can control these behaviours and emotions, what happens is the world becomes difficult to deal with and it can feel that the world, or others are always against you.
The result can be a overly negative view on the world, maybe you just don’t feel lucky and others seem to get it all, whilst you are left with what’s left. Maybe you feel that to get what you want you always have to fight, or maybe life has to be hard for you to be successful.
Whatever your experience you are probably trained to live in reaction to the world you live in. What this does is focus you on what’s wrong and when you do that search within you, it’s very easy to find a lot of things that are wrong either with the world, or your life.
Plus when you focus on what’s wrong and you start to condition yourself to see the world negatively, this automatically puts you in a poor state of mind and this will stunt your growth. This is why people get stuck in poverty, or relationships that don’t work.
Now what happens is because there is no growth in your life, more bad stuff happens to you, because you are not in the right place emotionally to give yourself what you need.
The irony is this, it takes just as much effort to look for what’s right as it does to look for what’s wrong, but the result will be a world of difference.
Those people who are successful in all aspect of their life are not just lucky, they created their own luck through a focus on what will give them the life they desire. From this place they create great questions, that creates answers that lead them to actions that give them a better opportunity/chance to get what they desire.
So if you want to experience a great life you have to create an experience that leads you to what you want.
That experience is based on how you focused your mind and your desire / motivation to make it happen.
So if you take responsibility for how you experience the world this put you back in control of what happens to YOU. You no longer have to please others to get what you need, you no longer have watch as other get what they want from the world. You no longer have see life as against you. YOU can take part right now!
What happens is you TAKE BACK CONTROL and create experiences every day that will give you the right state to ask the right questions. Look at the difference below and think about what you do, especially in part of your life that are not working.
Do you have a partner that never seems happy no matter what happens, or do you feel that maybe there is more to life than what you are currently getting? If so then this is critically important for you.
Meanings and emotions are massive drivers for how we experience the world so understanding how they work is of course critical if we want to be happy in it.
Many people feel the world first through their emotions and then try to make sense of what they feel inside. Many don’t question what they feel, because this is just who they are. They are so used to consistently reacting in a certain way, to them it’s totally normal, or feels like home.
This is called living in reaction and although it will feel normal it can feel quite scary too, because living this way never feels, successful or fulfilling. If the individual accepts that this is who they are, low quality living is also accepted, this can lead to a negative outlook on life, or depression, even a desire to end it all. [Read more...]
Millions of people globally are searching for information every month that can help them understand the answer to the question – How to make a relationship work?
Experts across the global can agree on one thing, and that is you have to get to know you first, and understand what you need to be happy so you can communicate those specific needs to your partner.
After all your partner is not a mind reader.
Getting to know the real you sounds great, but how do you really get to know you. What or who can really help us understand who we really are and what we really need?
Some people believe going travelling will work, some go to self-help seminars, some spend time alone, some have many partners. There are many strategies, but do any of them really work?
The answer is yes and no, because you can get to know one version of you, the version of you that always knows what to do when the pressure is off, but what about the version of you that crumbles when life gets tough.
You see there is not just one version of YOU! In fact there are 20+ different versions of you that live by very different rules. These different versions will create different futures for you, some not as good as others some amazing and some really destructive.
Getting to know them all and understanding the versions and their purpose is your real BIG goal that will help you understand why you do what you do and help you understand when you are being destructive.
The version of you that causes real problems is going to be a fearful version of you, a version that will distort the world and limit you whilst giving you the illusion of balancing your life to feel normal.
This is the version that lets you down when you need it most. Just imagine knowing which version of you that will always create great futures and discovering by choice how to be that person.
I’m sure that the logical side of all of us will agree that prevention of any problem we have is far better than putting ourselves through a problem and then having to find a cure.
So if this really makes sense then why do most couples choose to not look to for answers to what equals success for their relationship before the problems hits them.
The problem is, if any couple goes into a relationship believing that they will not face challenges they will be massively deluding themselves, because we all do, no matter how good your relationship is.
Assumptions, poor communication, fears, other people, work, family again there are many, many more who all have a massive impact on us from day-to-day and this impact will create a shift within us without us knowing.
At this point we can move from being in the version of ourselves where the world is always great, into the version of fear.
From here the world looks very different and if you live here for long enough, and you and your partner don’t know what to do, you can start attaching your fears to your relationship and without meaning to spend the next few years sabotaging each other without knowing as you try to get back to the place where everything was amazing.
The smart people know that these situations will happen and so they seek information and guidance to ensure that whatever comes up, they are able to notice the danger before it happens and help each other become realigned with each other critical needs and more importantly their most important values that equal happiness.
Most people don’t understand what these are, or how they work and if that’s you then please get in touch because the impact of not understanding this is massive, and is one of the biggest contributors to relationship break-ups from thousands of couples who all thought they were different and special.
It would never happen to them… BUT IT DID!
If you have been reading my daily relationship posts for a while now, you will notice that even though helping you create passionate lasting relationships is my goal, my focus is on a much bigger goal for you.
The reason this is top of the list is because most people have no idea how they work, worse is they think they know themselves yet they spend years emotionally hurting themselves, and then blame either others, the world, or the fact they are just unlucky when things go wrong. This is called learnt helplessness.
For example: Those people through no fault of their own go through their lives using trial and error as their preferred strategy for creating the most important part of anyone’s life, and that is choosing who to spend the rest of their lives with, and trial and error again on how to manage that relationship so it gives them all they need to be happy.
From that weak position of understanding of themselves and their partner, who is also likely to be lost, they even agree to legally marry and to share all their worldly possessions. They agree that if it goes wrong they will be forced to give a large portion of their possessions and future earnings to their partner who it seems wasn’t quite right for them after all.
They do all this on the back of trial and error and how they feel at that time, this is a painful and expensive approach to leave to chance.
Two people who don’t understand how to listen to their own critical needs, values, and rules for their happiness is setting themselves up for a life of pain. They are also unaware of how this combined with their fears is crafted their decisions every day. These people feel they are in control of their lives, but most are in a place of learnt helplessness and they don’t know, until one day it all goes horribly wrong.
Nature has given two people who are attracted to each other a bucket full of feel good chemicals in response to each other so they will have sex and grow the human population.
The couple mistake these feelings for ever lasting true love and feel amazing about each other, until they don’t.
By this time they could be married and have kids.
Nature never planned for you to live in a box together, all nature planned is for you to want to create more little versions of you and so we are not designed for longevity. After the initial attraction and excitement of weddings, houses and children we become lost and directionless as a couple.
At this point we start to feel that the relationship has lost it’s excitement, we don’t feel the same about each other as the sexual excitement has gone and so we move to a place of fear where we wonder if we will be enough for our partner or if the relationship was a mistake.
Some will live together in a passionless relationship, some will look outside the relationship to feel good again, some will become depressed and some will get out fast and some will get out slow.
Very few sustain amazing relationships because even amazing relationships will eventually lack variety to keep life exciting.
Those that do give up will then repeat all this again with their next partner, this is why most relationships after a marriage break-up fail.
This will happen a few times until they hit about 40 ish when they have had enough and they can see that trial and error does not work and so the smart people look for where they can get real answers and so they seek help.
They at this point fear the next 40 years more than the thought of seeking help, which is the reverse thought pattern of those between 20-30.
Now imagine this… Imagine you knew how you really worked, and you knew how to present that honest version of you to either your dates, if you are looking for someone or to your husband or wife.
Now imagine being able to communicate that honest version of you so your partner understands exactly what you need to be happy.
If you have found the right person for you they will want you to be happy and so they will do everything in their power to make that a reality for you.
If you find yourself with someone who is not committed to doing this for you then there are two reasons. They are lazy or scared and this would have to change if a successful relationship is your goal.
So you see, if you don’t understand you, or where you want to be then you are out of control, and this is really bad for you, bad for your relationship, and crippling for your children who are looking up at a lost person for guidance.
This is why my focus is to help you discover the truth about you, it’s critical to your happiness.
Stephen Hedger helps couples and individuals understand who they really are, what they need to be happy and how to communicate it. These sessions form part of helping people attract life partners through dating, or to help couples in crisis, or those who just want better relationships.
- It this has struck a chord with you please get in touch click: Relationship Help
If you want to get control over your life and relationship then this is critical to understand because what you are about to discover will change your future.
Imagine a fast-moving car, and now remove a control such as the steering wheel and watch how the car reacts to the road changing direction with pot-holes, going faster downhill, slower up hill, bashing itself as tries to go around unexpected obstacles, and after a while eventually crashes.
When you consider how irresponsible that situation is because of the danger to others, I want you to now imagine that the people around you, are that out of control car with no way to steer and they are crashing, hurting themselves and others. I know that you have seen or experienced this as people looking for happiness have come in and out of your life and left their mark on you or those you care about.
If you are given no way to understand how you work and why, then the world or others will decide your future and who knows what might happen, no one wants to be out of control, but the problem is most people are and they don’t know it.
Moment to moment we are reacting to the world and what’s in it. Every second the world around us changes and our states tend to change with those events.
Our “state†or “how we feel†is our reaction to that world and others, so you might at any given moment experience anger, depression, happiness, anxiousness, relaxed etc.
Our state at any given moment is the sum of all our past experiences, our values for living, the rules that govern those values and our beliefs, combined with our physical / chemical health.
So have you noticed that the same situation can create totally different reactions in either yourself or others on different days?
For example you may spill something one day and just clean it up with out a thought, but if you are feeling ill or stressed that same situation will just send you into anger as you feel in that moment the world is against you.
IMPORTANT: What’s important to know is our state is the start of us giving any situation a meaning and our meanings are the start of our decisions and our decisions are what craft our destiny or futures.
So if someone is out of control of how they feel just like the car they live everyday in total reaction to the world. These people will be out of control, but think they are normal and so they create a future that will hurt them, some might end up turning to substances to change their states some may seek help.
Most people don’t understand even what a value really is, but they have set-up values without knowing.
They also don’t know they have designed rules for those values, they don’t know that they have negative values, again set up without knowing and these are stopping the positive one being met. They don’t understand yet that the order of how they meet their values will change their world dramatically.
And any of you that are in coaching with me will be nodding knowingly that this is just the start.
No sane person I know would agree to step into a car not knowing how the controls work and then expect a 80+ year journey to be crash free.
To make matters worse most people get into this car and don’t know where they want to go either.
Now they are lost and out of control, and this creates states of fear that comes out in may destructive ways some small and hidden and some out there for all to see.
One of the questions I get asked as a relationship coach is what makes the difference between an normal or failing relationship and an extra-ordinary relationship or what makes relationships successful?
Apply these simple 3 steps to your relationship every day
When you live in a relationship that is full of two people who understand each others needs to this degree and they are using their energy to make sure their partner is meeting their daily needs, this is a relationship that has no choice but to grow on every possible level.
Both people in the relationship will feel so loved and important to each other, and this will create a security and freedom between them that will enable unconditional love to flourish.
…because they don’t practice those three rules.
If you are in a relationship that just ok, or you seem to be fighting alot and you’re scared for the future, or you would like a partner, but have yet to find one.
The reverse of the above is divorce, separation, affairs, lack of intimacy, lack of trust, lack of respect and plenty of pain…
How to discover your needs
Coaching with Stephen Hedger will help both you and your partner understand what those critical needs are. If you are single then we will discover your needs so you can communicate them to your new partners when you get them.
If you want a lasting passionate relationship, then discover the relationship rules. These are critical for you if you want your relationship to last.
It does not matter if you are dating or in a long-term relationship below are Four Rules that if you don’t follow you can expect pain.
Make your partner the most important person in your life. If your partner does not feel significant to you then they will create a fear for their future with you without knowing. This will drive them get these feeling from other people or things such as hobbies or work.
Make your love for them unconditional. No matter what happens I will always love you. When you remove your fears only then will you achieve the unconditional love you desire most. You will find that couples who live with fears, usually have passionless lives as they fear letting go, passionless relationships are dangerous if the couple want to stay together.
Never be your partners judge. Firstly you are not qualified and secondly this means to your partner that you are wanting to control them, or prove that you are better or more important than them. This will result in your partner attaching bad feeling to you, too many of these and they will leave you.
Never assume that your partners intentions are designed to hurt you. If you make assumptions to the intentions of your partner then expect their trust in you go. They will learn that you are too ready look for ways to not trust them. This will result in them feeling bad attaching those feeling to you and what you fear most you will create.
When you bring negativity into a relationship of any kind then expect your partner to attach bad feelings to you. If they feel bad about themselves around you for long enough they will leave you.
Most people in a relationship with serious conflict issues usually are not aware that it is their values that are fighting.
But it goes deeper that that, because it’s great to have solid values, but attach unreasonable rules to those values and now you have a real problem.
Step 2 – Relationship Rebuilding Process
Stephen Hedger will help the couple understand how their critical needs are affecting their relationship their behaviours and their partners behaviours.
All individuals in relationships have needs that are critical for the relationship to be successful.
In the early days of the relationship it is very easy to meet all these needs at once.
As time goes by and the relationships settle down into daily life the needs that were being met can start to drift away. If these problems not addressed this can result in a passionless relationship where the couple love eachother, but live together as friends until one becomes unhappy and leaves the relationship.
If an individual no longer feels significant in the relationship then they will go to where they can feel this way. This could be with friends, working late, hobbies or even an affair.
If one of the couple has to have financial security before they can open up to feeling of love this can damage the passionate side of the relationship.
So the order of the needs is important.
Stephen will work with the couple to discover their critical needs for the relationship to be successful and help the couple understand how these needs are driving their behaviours. These session will cover values and rules if one or both people in the couple have a destructive pattern.
Building lasting relationships with Stephen Hedger
To Make An Appointment Call: 0845 519 4808
STEPHEN HEDGER:
Marriage Adviser & Divorce Prevention Specialist
10 Harley Street London W1G 9PF
"Your skill as a coach is very special. Anyone who has tried traditional counselling and failed (as we had) should definitely try you before throwing in the towel." Read their story
10 Harley Street
London
W1G 9PF
When seeking relationship advice it is important to understand what is going to happen in your sessions. Find out more about how we will help you now by dialing...
