“If you don’t understand me how can you be of value to me?”

A common thread with couples is their inability to really understand each other. Not feeling understood helps a person experience a growing emotional pain. If a person experiences enough pain they will attach that pain to their partner and the relationship. This stacking of pain and resentments is what’s really dangerous for marriages and can head them towards divorce. 

So one of my fundamental missions is to help couples translate what the other is really saying or doing, so we can stop or reverse an unnecessary crisis.

Both men and women are generally confused by each other and this can be a source of significant emotional pain. [Read more...]

The shocking truth…

Many couples are living together disconnected passionless and miserable not because they are incompatible or wrong for each other, it’s because they simply don’t know how to live together.

So in todays post I’m going to highlight the thinking that is causing couples so many problems.

The challenge we all face growing up is, we are given the idea that ‘the wrong principles are the route to a safe and happy life.

So below are a few common illusions that have the ability to create significant emotion challenges in those that practice them. [Read more...]

#700: Want to save your marriage? Then you must learn how to become attractive to your partner…

One of the key ingredients to a successful marriage is to keep the attraction/passion alive. What I see most couples doing is they practice acting in very unattractive ways that actually repel their partner.

Men and women are choosing to live together without learning about how different they really are. They make assumptions about their partner that creates resentments that become a powerfully negative force.

So when problems strike they don’t know how to translate their partners actions so they automatically assume the worst.

When this happens this is the start of big trouble for any couple.

So one of my missions for my clients is to help them learn the steps they need to keep that attraction alive for life.

At the end of todays post you will see how I helped one man see that he was shutting her down in his quest to be safe with her. [Read more...]

#698: The 3 Reasons Marriages Are Failing

Today I going to share with you 3 massive areas of focus that are foundational in collapsing a marriage.

Far too many couples are not understanding why they are in trouble. They make the wrong assumption… there is no hope! They then use that emotion of no hope to break up their family.

Below are 3 core reasons couples get themselves in trouble and how resentments can start to stack to destroy their marriage. [Read more...]

#697: Want to save your marriage? Learn how to become valuable in the eyes of your partner.

One of the life’s’ fundamental secrets to a successful life is fulfilment. Fulfilment is the power that sits behind adding value and growing what’s important in your life.

After working for 15 years with individuals and couples from all walks of life, I can tell you that successful people think differently.

So if you want to be successful in your relationship and you’re currently not. Now might be the time to work out how couples in successful relationships think differently.  [Read more...]

10 relationship illusions that can lead a couple to divorce

Principles, philosophies, ways of thinking. Whichever way you cut it just like life, relationships have simple laws that if broken will cause problems. 

The challenge we all face growing up is, we are given the idea that ‘the wrong principles are the route to a safe and happy life.

So below are a few common illusions that have the ability to create significant emotion challenges in those that practice them.

1. I have no control over what I feel

2. Loss of love is permanent 

3. Loss of love is something that just happens to us [Read more...]

Rebuilding trust to regain emotional connection

When a person in a relationship believes that their emotional self is not being looked after or respected by their partner they are highly likely to want to protect themselves from the person that is supposed to love them.

The process of protecting themselves leads that person to lose trust in their partners ability or desire to care about what they are thinking or feeling.

If this need to protect ones self goes on for long enough then the couple are in danger of one or worse both people emotionally detaching and this can be catastrophic for that couple.

The near impossible challenge is to love someone whilst needing to protect yourself from them. This process of protection leads people to feelings that suggest they love their partner, but they are not in love with them. [Read more...]

What makes a great marriage?

Every couple is unique and their vision for a great marriage will differ across the world. If these couples were aware of the knowledge that would keep their marriage safe no matter what, it would make a significant difference to a trend that is leading so many couples to the end of their marriage.

To take a relationship where two people are fulfilled and connected passionately they need to be aware of some simple skills.

The first skill is to become aware of what you don’t know.

From the start of your relationship your partner is going to be having a very different experience from you within your relationship, [Read more...]

Masterclass series Part 1: Why has our relationship lost it’s passion?

With passion, attraction and sexual energy being the life blood of any intimate relationship it’s critical that a couple understands how to keep this side of their relationship alive whilst knowing the hidden pitfalls that can kill it dead.

Many people, men and women complain their relationship has become passionless or loveless. They are experiencing either the passion dying over time, or one person has simply lost attraction for their partner.

This loss of passion and attraction is likely to be happening for a very good reason, but the couple will usually be unaware of what’s happening before it’s too late. [Read more...]

They felt their marriage was dead but they were keen to learn the truth

Last year I was working with a couple who were struggling to connect with each other and it looked on the surface that the relationship was actually dead.

In fact it was dead the way they were running it. They came to me wanting to see if it could be fixed, she was not that hopeful, she felt he was too selfish and she had made a mistake marrying him.

I had to help them discover the truth and help them understand their beliefs about each other and the relationship.

So I explored what the start of the relationship was like.

When they met she loved the potential in him she could see the growth potential and the security that would provide, but she also loved his sense of freedom and passion in his interests. He seemed like the full package so getting married was easy. [Read more...]

Why does she attack me verbally?

Men are searching for the answer to this question. She is supposed to love me why does she become so aggressive.

Usually she will become aggressive if she feels he doesn’t care about her. Her aggression is usually a desperate attempt to get through to him.

Her aggression is her fear speaking.

She fears not being able to get through, she is likely to be feeling that if her feelings persist she will become too detached from him. [Read more...]

Without this skill most will relationships fail…

Yes it’s true, to build a successful relationship a particular skill is needed and if it is missing the survival of the relationship is dramatically challenged.

This skill is important for everyone, because everyone is different and without it couples struggle to feel secure with each other.

Security is critical in a relationship and this skill will help to build that safety.

The relationship needs to flow and feel easy and this skill will help the couple to feel that flow. [Read more...]

We Build Walls Of Protection Around Us When Marital Problems Strike But Does It Work?

Building a protective wall around us when emotional challenges strike in a marriage is a fairly normal process. The goal is usually to create security for that individual because life is not the way it should be.

He doesn’t care, she’s always negative, he never listens, she is aggressive and cold…

The question is, does this emotional wall work to create the security the person is after?

In the short-term the person can feel relief because when they shut down they can numb the pain they are experiencing.

The challenge the wall creates is it builds a 2 way block, the person will block out the pain, but they will also block out what they really need to be happy. This creates real problems for any marriage because it heads them to loss of respect and the end of the marriage.

For example:

[I have used a female in this example, but males will do their version of this too.]

If a female has tried and tried to get through to her husband and failed, she will stack her resentments towards him and eventually feel that she has no choice, but to create her own strength because he is not there for her in the way she needs.

It’s like she puts on a suit of armor so he can no longer hurt her. [Read more...]

“Does he know how you really feel…?”

Many men in my sessions are surprised to discover that their partners do not communicate a large percentage of what they really feel.

Many women hold back their true feelings to protect their relationship. They know that if they communicated how they really felt their partners would not cope. These women may have usually tried communicating in the past, but their partners used emotional responses such as anger, frustration, escape to rebalance the situation. [Read more...]

Better Relationships can only Start with a Better More Confident You!

I’m sure you will agree that if a couple wants to rebuild their relationship fear is not the best emotional state to start that growth.

Couples that have been in trouble for a while usually have two people in fear trying to fix their relationship wondering why whatever they do never works.

Understanding you is a critical part of understanding your relationship and how it works. I know when couples enter into work with me that I have to quickly help the individuals understand how they have been trying to feel good in the relationship and why it is has been counterproductive. [Read more...]

Releasing The Power That Creates Change in Your Life

Everyone has the power to create change. Change is possible if the person understands how to move from a reactive state of mind to a pro-active state of mind.

Pro-active states will put the person back in control of their life moving them with confidence towards what they want.

A reactive state in contrast will be the person trying to move away from what they don’t want. Unfortunately to move away from what they don’t want they have to be focused on it. This constant focus on the negative aspect of their life keeps the person stuck attached to their fear. [Read more...]

Marriage & Sex: A Stranger had Woken the Passion in Her and it Shocked Her!

When we look at all the critical elements that relationships need, SEX is pretty high on the list. Sex can also be really challenging because the balance needed to create it and maintain it in relationship is very specific. Most couples are unaware of this balance and so problems begin to appear without them knowing.

Without sex any relationship is relegated to the status of friends, this status in the relationship will cause resentment on some level that can ultimately kill their relationship.

As you read through this post you will start to discover the biggest cause of sexual problems in relationships.

Lack of sex in a relationship is a major cause of relationship break ups! So if this is a problem for you and you want to keep your relationship you have to know two key things. [Read more...]

Signs of an Amazing Man!

For all couples that come to me for help there seems to be a confusion surrounding the roles of men and women in relationships.

Of course it’s not for me to tell couples what to do and how to live their lives, but there are some core behaviours that when in place make a significant difference.

One of the most successful behaviours is helping the man to feel like he is the security in the relationship. Women want this and so do the men. But their is confusion as to what secuity actually means and this causes problems. For example: Many men see their role is to create money and this is the fix for creating security.  The money makes him feel like a man.

Whilst on some level this is true, the money is a security it’s actually a weak substitute for what she really wants.

Some men feel that because he told her he loved her last year, she should know he does. He says, “you know I love you don’t you!?”

You see his version of security and hers is totally different. This is why problems are so common.

One of the things she wants is this: At the point she is in emotional pain and fearful of the future she can turn to him for love and certainty in the way she wants.

Most men struggle with this because of the way she presents her pain, this could be shouting, moaning, pulling love away.

In reaction to this men get upset. In other words become emotional. At the moment he does this she sees his fear and she has to get strong to look her and some women end up looking after him.

This creates fear for her because now she is the strength in the relationship and this disconnects her and so their intimacy dies.

When I ask men to love her through the pain she is in [I teach men how to do this – there is a specific way it needs to be done] his normal reaction is to ask, so what her role? What is she going to do for me?

He has now shown me that he wants to create a trade. Trading in relationships is guaranteed to kill intimacy the last thing he wants.

The sign of an amazing man in a relationship is one that does not feel the need to judge his partners reactions, what he focuses on is the pain she is in and he loves her through her pain thus becoming her security.

What this does is ignites the energy back into the relationship. She feels safe to become herself again and her desire to give to her man becomes massive and automatic.

BUT to give, especially intimately she has to feel safe. When a man becomes this security for her, he becomes that amazing man she saw in him when they first met.

The man she always hoped he would be!

Relationship Education: How Important Is It To Your Life?

Building a successful relationships is a skill just like any other. What’s unique about relationships is  you are lured into a false sence of security. The passion early in a relationship helps the couple to feel artificially successful really fast with no training.

With no relationship training you still feel skilled because you feel the love the passion, it happens automatically, until one day it goes and that day always comes!

So if we don’t have to be trained and skilled to start our relationships then why would we need to learn skills to keep them, that should be automatic too… RIGHT!? … WRONG!!! This is the biggest error couples make…

How do we normally become skilled?: Skills are usually gained through training of some kind, and through repetitive actions over years. People become skillful even masterful when they research and understand their chosen skill.

So if all this is true why is it we spend so much time educating ourselves to get the skills to get the jobs we want and we spend NO time learning how to have successful relationships, then with this total lack of training we then decide we are qualified to guide children to have wonderful lives and relationships.

Why is it so important to learn how to get amazing jobs, yet not important to learn the impact of wrongly committing to a person for life with no training or relationship skills?

You wouldn’t trust a Doctor who has had little to no training with your life would you? So why would you trust yourself or someone else with the best years of your life. After all you only get one.

Does this make logical sence to you?

Think about a Wedding day.

A massive amount of time, energy and money is spent on making one day amazing and little to no money time or energy is put into understanding how to make that relationship not only last but remain passionate.

Don’t you think the world is wired wrong when it come to relationships?

I wonder how our relationships would look if we be spent that £15,500 (Average cost of a wedding in 2011) on understanding how to create an amazing lasting and passionate relationship instead of blowing it on just one perfect day?

After all the cost of getting it wrong is massive not just in monetary terms, but also in the cost to our families and our children.

Humans, we think we are smart, but how can that be true. The proof is all around us we are doing something wrong, the divorce rate is high, many of those that are still in relationships are dissatisfied, many quickly becoming passionless stale relationships. Only a small percentage are really happy behind closed doors regardless of what they seem to present to the world.

Relationship Education How Important Is It?

It’s critical… This is how and why my success rate with those that want to learn is really high.

  • How does a man really know how a woman thinks and what she needs if he has never been taught.
  • How does a woman know how a man thinks? She cannot because she has never been one.

Simple pieces of education if missed can destroy a relationship over time through fears.

What is it that really created that fire of passion when you both first met, and why has it gone today? Do you really know?

What does a man have to do when his wife has complained at him for years and his sex life disappeared over night, and is now she is quiet and depressed what can he do to help her?

  • Why can men choose to work such long hours?
  • Why do men ignore their partners?
  • Why won’t he talk to his wife?
  • Why does she get so upset at nothing?
  • Why is she so difficult to please?
  • Why does she upset why he tried to help her?

You see anyone can have a wonderful relationship when all is going well, but it’s when it goes wrong is when a relationship either grows or dies. If you knew just the fundamental differences between sexes you would be rushing to discover these critical truths and more.

What’s at risk for YOU if a split happens is huge!

  • Your time: You can never get time back
  • Your money: Get it wrong you will lose more than you think
  • Your children do suffer: They seem to cope, but they are affected into adult life.
  • New relationships suffer: Unless the individual knows why their previous relationship failed they will repeat the patterns again and again.
  • Making do: People end up making do with any partner and live passionless lives.
  • Relationships become too painful: So they live their days alone, missing out on the love they could have had if only they had searched for the truth, their truth.

How can you create a future that is secure if you don’t have the skills to create it? I welcome your comments below.






What Are Your Relationship Patterns?

We all have patterns of behaviour, these are our habitual patterns of behaviour that come up automatically to cope with our lives.

These patterns are learnt and are our core mechanism to keep us safe. However if they are out of date they could be destroying your life without you knowing.

If you are having problems could destructive patterns be the root cause?

  • Are you aware of yours?
  • Are you aware of your partners?
  • Do you notice patterns in your relationship?
  • Do you notice patterns in your current relationship that are similar to other relationships you have had?
  • Can you or your partner see patterns in each other that reflect your parents relationship behaviours.

Do you feel there are destructive patterns in your relationship or within you?

You see the patterns you have learnt growing up may not be supporting your growth in your life or work,or relationships. The reality of this will be reflected in your life today. If you feel stuck in your life, maybe in a job or in an unhappy relationship you might be running patterns to keep you here or fuel the problem.

For example:

The first pattern to look for is your core driver: It might be to create security, it might be to feel important, it might be to feel love.

Your core driver will create behaviours that reflects your core need. For example as a child a boy might use significance to get what he needs, he might use it to get love from his mother. So he may have become a great student, or be funny to please her, or become naughty because at least it gets her attention.

So as an adult he may run the same pattern, by thinking that if he does an amazing job at work his wife should see him as wonderful just like mum did. However he becomes confused when he doesn’t get the love he expects back.

In fact he feels her pulling away. Just doing a good job at work does not meet her emotional needs and so she becomes distant, or gets upset. In response he becomes angry at her lack of appreciation at how hard he works.

His behaviours to her feel selfish and immature and needy.

If he discovered how significant he could become by understanding what she really needs then they would both be successful through his behaviour and he wold feel happy and successful again and more masculine.

Another example:

A woman could have a desire for certainty, what she learns without knowing is that she can get love through depression. Every time she is feeling well everyone gets on with their lives and she feels lost and alone. When she becomes depressed everyone pays her attention and loves her.

Even though she hates becoming depressed she is certain she can do it and so becomes stuck because it actually meets her core needs, but in destructive ways for her and those she loved.

If she discovers there are ways she can be certain of love through giving she will open up a free and lighter world.

Your patterns?

  • What do you do to meet your needs?
  • What does your partner do to meet their needs?
  • What do you do when you are unhappy?
  • What does your partner do when they are unhappy?
  • What do you do when you feel fearful?
  • What does your partner do when they feel fearful?

Do these behaviours create love, growth and a rich life, or do they cause unhappiness, resentment and a lack of respect?

We all have positive intentions to meet our needs when we act, it just maybe that the behaviours are out of date and are likely to hurt those you say you love.

Including yourself