“Home became quite hostile which affected our children…”

Tim and I went to see Stephen Hedger because after nearly twenty years together our relationship seemed to have fallen into an unhappy rut which neither of us knew how to get out of.

Like most couples at the beginning of the relationship we were blissfully happy and both felt incredibly lucky to have found each other and looked forward to sharing our lives, making a family of our own and growing old together.

Life was good to us generally but the everyday stress of work, three children and buying a house we couldn’t quite afford slowly chipped away at our relationship.  [Read more...]

Releasing The Power That Creates Change in Your Life

Everyone has the power to create change. Change is possible if the person understands how to move from a reactive state of mind to a pro-active state of mind.

Pro-active states will put the person back in control of their life moving them with confidence towards what they want.

A reactive state in contrast will be the person trying to move away from what they don’t want. Unfortunately to move away from what they don’t want they have to be focused on it. This constant focus on the negative aspect of their life keeps the person stuck attached to their fear. [Read more...]

Are You A Victim Of Mind Tricks In Your Relationship

Beware because you might be a victim of mind tricks in your relationship created by YOU.

Yes your mind can play tricks on you and this can be destructive to your relationship. I’ll give you an example…

…when we experience something in our lives we convert that event into a meaning. The meaning we give that event is based on our unique and personal life experiences up to that moment, our values, our state at that moment in time and many other filters.

So when an event happens, the meaning we give to any situation is 100% unique to us. No one else will ever have the same experience. This means that an experience and the meaning we give it is purely a perception from one perspective.

The meaning we give an event is therefore not a fact, it is not true, it is not real, it’s simply a perspective. The problem is what we believe in the moment feels very real and so we react to an experience as if the meaning we give the experience is 100% real and true and therefore a fact.

How this works to hurt a relationship

Lets say you have a value such as RESPECT. If you get respect from others then you feel good, if you don’t you’ll feel bad.

The problem happens when you don’t show yourself RESPECT and you don’t give respect to others. We have to give ourselves what we value before we can give to to others if happiness is our goal. When we give ourselves our core values and we then give those things we value to others then we feel great inside, about ourselves.

  • If we don’t do this we automatically feel bad inside about ourselves and this is what creates problems.

A couple in conflict will have their internal filters set to always look for problems. So what happens is they are in states that will not allow them to make decisions and create behaviours that support themselves, or their relationship.

  • They end up disrespecting themselves and their partner. This makes them feel terrible inside, but because it happens so fast, they don’t understand why they feel bad and so they make their partner responsible for the bad feelings that they just created.

Now imagine if both people in a relationship are practising doing this and with critical foundation values such as TRUST, HONESTY, SECURITY and many, many more.

  • What happens is the couple and the relationship deteriorate and so they blame each other.

The longer the individuals in the relationship have this distorted view of their relationship, the more stuck they both feel so they can conclude the relationship is over.

If the couple can be shifted to a new state of mind and given a fresh perspective on their experiences then this challenges their belief system and so the relationship no longer feels so desperate.

The fact that others have the power to make us feel things is an illusion that creates fear within us

The truth is no one makes us feel anything, we create our own emotions. If we believe others have power over us to control us this alone can create a state of fear. So knowing you are in control, actually puts you back in control of YOU.

The goal is then to understand you and how you work so you can always be happy no matter what.