Is it possible to think yourself out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing?

Impossible you may think, but please think again, sadly it’s totally possible and is a real problem I see on a regular basis. Below is one example of this in action. The simple fact is too many individuals are unaware that the way they think is subconsciously controlling how they feel about their relationship and their partner.

So a person can literally create thoughts that can lead them to feel they have to leave a relationship that is actually the right relationship for them.

What I’m talking about specifically is how a person can condition their feelings through the way they think.

I’m sure you have heard the story of Pavlov’s dog. The story goes like this, Pavlov rang a bell and then immediately fed his dog. He repeated this process a few times. The dog learned to associate the sound of the bell with food and would begin salivating when the bell was rung. [Read more...]

This is the truth that if understood will set couples free

Yes this is a big statement, but I don’t make it lightly. As you scan this post today you may start to see a possibility that was not there before.

When problems start to occur in a relationship one of the automatic processes that individuals experience is they respond to their problems with their habitual coping strategies. These are behaviours usually designed to protect them from being hurt emotionally.

The problem this behaviour creates is the person is now focused on protecting themselves rather than contributing positively to the relationship. This means they are no longer an effective contributor to the relationship and are actually contributing to the destruction of the relationship. [Read more...]

She nearly lost a perfectly good marriage

The reason for sharing this post today is because many individuals leave their marriage and regret it later when it’s far too late to get it back. The impact on themselves and their family is destructive.

They think what they feel at the point they decide to leave the marriage is what they will still feel later and this is their illusion.

When a person really takes the time to understand why their thinking is leading them to want to leave the relationship, they are very likely to discover far more than they were consciously aware of.

This couple were married for over 15 years and everyone thought they were a great couple. He knew the relationship wasn’t great, but was not aware of how bad it had become for her. She loved him as a friend, but she longed for that youthful spark again, the fun, the passion, the hope of new adventures and surprises. She was a good mum, but she wanted to feel like a woman again.

She didn’t want an affair, but she knew she wanted more from her life of love. [Read more...]

Don’t wish your marriage was easier – Wish you were better!

The truth is you can’t get rid of a couples problems because couples will always have problems. Life has this habit of throwing problems at us when we are least expecting it.

So the goal is not to try to get rid of problems, the goal is to become better at dealing with your problems as a team.

Many couples that visit my sessions are taught these vital skills so that no matter what hits them they are better skilled at understanding how to support each other.

The 3 key skills that need to be learnt are the ones that consistently create all three:-

  1. The best outcome for you,
  2. The best outcome for your partner and…
  3. Is good for the relationship.

And yes to achieve this you do need something very special…

[Read more...]

Marriage in crisis? 3 Steps To Success

There are 3 key pillars to getting couples to a safer loving connected life together. This dynamic and educational approach is unique to my specialist marriage in crisis service. 

Step 1: Help both people discover their true essence.

Their true essence is the place where fulfilment is possible. It’s so important that individuals learn the steps to reclaim themselves. When relationships become destructive both people change and this process is very painful and emotionally exhausting.

It’s so challenging to solve a relationship problem if [Read more...]

FEELINGS: What is your mind really trying to tell you?

Feelings are very powerful and life changing decisions can be created from them, especially if we keep having the same feelings about the same things.

For example: My husband doesn’t understand me, or my wife is so negative. If people keep having this experience what feelings will they experience and what meanings will be created?

The wife that thinks her husband doesn’t understand her is going to have feelings that means he doesn’t care. The husband that thinks his wife is always negative is going to feel she is impossible to please.

Practiced enough these two feelings can lead a couple to [Read more...]

Why Do Couples Find Communication So Hard?

The reason couples are struggling with communication is because they are mind-reading the intent behind each others words, this practice is potentially destructive because it erodes trust a foundation that’s needed to keep couples together.

The first step is to ask your partner a simple question. When you are speaking with them find out what meanings they are putting to your words, you might be surprised at what you discover.

In sessions I can ask a couple to communicate to each other and then ask them to write down the meanings to each others words. [Read more...]

I was on the verge of breaking a 4 year relationship

Loss of communication, lack of understanding, lack of respect and vision for the future now gone. Anyone could see this relationship was dead.

In fact it was dead, but the death was not permanent. This couple invested their time into my premium 3 month Divorce Prevention Program.

Just like many others they learnt how to rebuild their relationship from the ground up. [Read more...]

The Secret to Taking Charge of Your Life Today!

Today I’m going to share with you one of the most profound distinctions i discovered when learning about how to build a successful life. My question was how do we take control of what happen to our lives, what’s the foundation to building a successful relationship, becoming successful in our careers and discovering our true purpose in life.

The answer I discovered is we need to make it our mission to master our understanding of our own internal worlds.

We are conditioned to believe and accept that our outside world is the driver for what we become and what happens in our lives.

This is an illusion that keeps us stuck, because if we feel our outside world has the power to help us feel a certain way then we are powerless within it. I will explain why… [Read more...]

Releasing The Power That Creates Change in Your Life

Everyone has the power to create change. Change is possible if the person understands how to move from a reactive state of mind to a pro-active state of mind.

Pro-active states will put the person back in control of their life moving them with confidence towards what they want.

A reactive state in contrast will be the person trying to move away from what they don’t want. Unfortunately to move away from what they don’t want they have to be focused on it. This constant focus on the negative aspect of their life keeps the person stuck attached to their fear. [Read more...]

The Staggering Power of Our Perceptions – The good and the bad!

Every situation has many ways to look at it, so when presented with a situation, which way do you choose? Do you look for the good? Or do you look for the bad?

Are you aware of what you create from these two directions of focus? If not then this post is for you.

Our perceptions are very powerful, it puts meaning to situations and our lives, those meanings then craft our behaviours, and our behaviours craft our futures. [Read more...]

Why is our Relationship Failing

This is important to know…

After years of working with couples some interesting behaviours emerge from the couples as certain understandings start to emerge for them.

When a couple are in crisis what happens is they turn up to sessions full of fear.

Some are fearful because their future has disappeared. Some are fearful because of what they have done. Some fear that there is something wrong with them and it will come out in the session.

What’s really interesting is how these fears start to fade as the sessions progress and they start to change their outlook and what they want.

You see the couple start to feel much happier as soon as they start to understand WHY!

Why are we in this mess?

  • Why did he/she have an affair?
  • Why did our sex life disappear?
  • Why do we argue so much yet we love each other?
  • Why do I become so possessive?
  • Why am I depressed?
  • Why is he so stressed?

Once the individuals understand WHY then they start to relax and feel better. What many people do is try to make their own thoughts fit what’s happened and it’s very easy to be wrong and make the wrong decision, hurting themselves and each other.

Even if they turned up to sessions passionately wanting the relationship to work and clearly discovering that not going to happen. As long as they know WHY they feel they can deal with anything.

What’s great about this new internal state of a calmer self is if the relationship can be saved it is far more likely with this new understanding.

The couple now know what’s happened and their part in the process of destruction. What’s great about this is the couple can clearly see what has to change and this time they are in control.

Understanding why and taking control has a huge impact on the individuals and the dynamics in the couple to move from destruction to growth.

This can happen fast, I have seen many couple shift really fast once they create this new understanding of…

…your relationship has failed because…

This is why I believe that relationship education is a critical component in the process of helping couples rebuild their relationships. Most couple through no fault of their own are in terrible trouble, and they don’t know WHY!

This brings heightened emotions and fears what’s important to know is it doesn’t have to be this way.

Communication Rules For Relationships

Following in on from communication skills post from yesterday, without some boundaries in place for communication then all sorts of problems can occur.

To help couples create more harmony I help them to understand some simple rules they can both live by.

Never Judge your partner:

The only way we can be qualified to judge our partners is if we were actually them, this is because the meanings we all give to our own words are based on many hidden factors and our past is one of them. If someone judged us then it would assume they understood how we arrived at our meanings.

That would mean they understood your past and many other factors too, of course they don’t…

When their words don’t make sence

So instead of focusing on your partner words that don’t seem to make sense to you, words that could be open to your judgement, focus on their emotional state.

After all, do you really need to understand everything before you will see the person you love is in pain and all he or she needs is love?

So never assume you understand your partners words and don’t judge them – you are not qualified.

Has Your Partner Become Your Enemy

How is it that two people who once were so in love can get to the point where their partner starts to feels like their enemy. Do you feel your partner is your enemy, or do you treat them as if they are?

If the couples needs are not met then resentment can creep into the relationship.

They start to feel bad and so in response they try to rebalance the relationship through controlling behaviour.

What usually happens in this state one or both people can start to make the relationship all about them. When anyone starts to behave this way in their relationship and it starts to become their normal behaviour then the relationship is going to struggle to last.

So this needs to change if you want to keep your relationship.

If your partner is making the relationship all about them, the chances are they are in a fear state, if you are controlling maybe you get angry or frustrated at your partner then you are in fear too.

One of the most common situations I see that causes many problems is when the man becomes fearful, which he displays through anger, frustration, shutting down or uses coping strategies such as alcohol.

When the man does this the woman has to become stronger to cope with this weaker behaviour from him.

The man in this place can view the woman to be hard, harsh, non-caring, the reality is he has pushed her to this place. The way he can break through and save his relationship is to help her feel more secure through love and understanding.

This what she really wants, if she feels like she has to be the man in the relationship he starts to become pointless to her.

She can love him in this place, but she no longer sees him as a sexual partner. He becomes more like one of her children and this is when she really starts to look down on him, he feels that there is no hope, he has no idea how to please her.

Many relationship fail through this lack of understanding of how to get back how you were when you first met.

If this is happening for you get in touch because it’s not difficult to correct.

Meeting Your Partners Needs Are Core Relationship Skills: Are You Up For The Challenge?

The task is to find 5 things per day you love about your partner for just 21 days. Write it down every day and present your “Love List” to your partner on the 22nd day. How you present your “Love List” after 21 days it is up to you. For those of you on your own find 5 things you love about your closest friend.

Most couples and especially those having problems spend a lot of time focused on everything that’s wrong with their relationship. This exercise creates a very different focus and result in the state of the couple.

Of course it is important that your loved ones know how much you love them, but the shift with your happiness as a result of this “GIVING” exercise is the critical factor. The real key to happiness is giving to those you love.

21 days from now the world you live in could feel very different and you may have created a very different pattern in your relationship.

Sign up below (it’s FREE) and you will be sent a email reminder every day for just 21 days… Starting Today!

What Are You Doing To Save Your Relationship?

When a couples relationship hits problems the first person they blame is usually their partner. They look to their partner to make changes that will help them to be happy.

This usually helps the couple enter into a tit-for-tat blame game, as each person blames the other for the poor state of the relationship.

“…if you never said X, then I would have never have done Y, so clearly you are the cause” This type of exchange is very common, BUT the question is where is the growth in this exchange?

Unless the couple are creating growth in their communication the only way the relationship is heading is down.

So if you blame your partner then this puts you in a vulnerable situation.

What would happen if you took a long hard look at YOU. What could you do or change, to make your relationship better. This simple refocus would put you back in control taking action to save a relationship or marriage that you probably really want to save.

So take a moment what could you do?

What could you change about you that would save your relationship? You might just discover the compound effect of lots of little things can make a massive difference.

Relationship Test – “The Love List”

I am going to do this with you so in 21 days I will share with you my results with my wife.

  • Note: For those of you that are single please do this, but use a friend as this is as much for you as it is for  them.

I like to keep things simple and discover how to create the biggest impact for couples and those seeking love. I would like to share with you this one exercise that I ask individuals and couples to complete. If you are in a couple you can do this on your own and make this a wonderful gift for your partner.

How to complete the love list

The task is to find 5 things per day you love about your partner for just 21 days. Write it down every day and present your “Love List” to your partner on the 22nd day. How you present your “Love List” after 21 days it is up to you. For those of you on your own find 5 things you love about your closest friend.

Most couples and especially those having problems spend a lot of time focused on everything that’s wrong with their relationship. This exercise creates a very different focus and result in the state of the couple.

Of course it is important that your loved ones know how much you love them, but the shift with your happiness as a result of this “GIVING” exercise is the critical factor. The real key to happiness is giving to those you love.

21 days from now the world you live in could feel very different. Remember I’m going to do this with you.

Sign up below (it’s FREE) and you will be sent a email reminder
every day for just 21 days… Starting Today!

Relationship Coaching Sessions: Why Is Love The Answer?

One of the first things a couple has to understand, is that the answer to their relationship problems is in the love they have to give each other.

What couples usually do is pull their love away when their partner does something wrong.

So in the relationship sessions the couple go through a process of understanding the importance of living by what they believe is important. Not only does pulling love away not create love, but it also creates a destructive conflict within the individual who is pulling away.

The result is a double hit of internal problems for the individual pulling away. They experince a lack of love from their partner and the inability to trust themselves to live by their own values and beliefs. This serves to further create feelings of a heightened lack of security, this feels worse and so the result is usually more punishment all round as their state deteriorates.

The sessions are designed to help the couple understand how to create the right versions of themselves. The version they will have created is one of fear that life was not going to be the way it should be for them. This is the version that is designed for destruction, and is very different from the version they used to attract each other. [Read more...]

Relationship Master Skill TWO of SEVEN

I hope you enjoyed and could relate to Master Skill ONE. Today we are going to look at what happens when the relationship becomes all about “ME”.

One of the most prominent behaviours I see in couples is their desire to punish their partners when they don’t feel that they are getting what they need. They fear what a future in this relationship will be like and make it all about them. This fear in them creates a person who decides to take from the relationship through fear of not getting what they want.

Their taking also feels bad because they want to just receive what they need and the asking also feels bad. In this position they will start to punish their partner to wake them up, or teach them a lesson. [Read more...]

How to remain positive when you just want to give up

Do you have some days when you just want to give up. Relationship is up and down, work is getting more demanding, keeping up with all the things you know you should do seems impossible, you can’t remember the last time you had sex and you’re so fed up it doesn’t seem to matter, life is just a bit #@$>!

We all have those days, weeks, months, when the world seems to be against us. It’s not that we’re lazy, it’s like there is an overwhelming feeling of what’s it all for? You feel somewhat helpless…

I expect you look at relationship coaches and counsellors and psychologists and make the assumption that their lives are some how perfect. Rest assured we all face relationship challenges just like everyone else.

No matter how good you are at understanding human behaviour even the very best cannot help themselves or their partners to feel good in the moment all the time.

I remember before I really understood how relationships work and why they don’t, how out of control things can feel. Of course today for me is very different as 95% of what happens is much easier to deal with the other 5% needing some thought.

I have no doubt that sometimes you just want to scream as yet more relationship problems land at your feet. So I expect when you read this blog that explains how to deal with your partner or you read about how happy couples are after working with me your natural reaction could be jealousy, anger, hurt, frustration.

If you experience a negative force within you understand this: Your mind can be a force that can work with you, or against you and you have the power to choose.

One of the reason why couples are so successful with me is not because they are any better than other couples. The reason is they never gave up. They never gave up, no matter how tough the sessions became, or how much they felt they hated their partners for what they had done.

They kept going even when they didn’t want to. They believed they could make things right even when they didn’t know how.

Even when I gave them things to do that didn’t work at that moment, they kept going. The biggest killer is when individuals doubt themselves, doubt that they are enough for the relationship, not attractive enough, not lovable, not a good enough mother or father.

Even when friends and family jump to their defence telling them, their partner is not good enough for them and share their version of what they should do based on what their life experience tell them they should do, they never listen and never give up.

The answers are within you and your relationship. But as you know there are many different versions of you and some will hurt you and some will give you happiness.

Know which one is making decisions before you press the button on your relationship.

Turn your focus to where you want to go and not where you have been. Your past is simply a series of memories based on the state you are in at any given time and the meanings you gave it from that state.

Your history is not the fact you think it is there is much you do not understand or may have missed.

Remember your life is a series of perceptions. When you learn how you can create the ones that enable you to be the emotional state that will support your personal and relationship growth only then will you accept tough days and put actions in place to experience the world just the way you want to.

Your future is really down to you, if you want to understand your relationship and life then the biggest hurdle is to understand and conquer you.

Then being positive when life gets challenging is never as hard again.