Top 10 mistakes all couples in crisis are making

I’m going to share with you today 10 mistakes all couples in crisis are making that can put their relationship under real stress.

These are in no particular order, but each can have a powerfully negative impact. Compound these behaviours over time and the relationship is now heading for a very bumpy ride.

  1. Become your partners judge.
  2. Making your partner wrong.
  3. Threaten the end of the relationship.
  4. Help your partner to feel bad about themselves.
  5. Holding back love.
  6. Expect more of your partner than you do of yourself.
  7. Have no plan for the relationship.
  8. Make other areas of your life more important than them.
  9. They must think and act the same as you.
  10. Manipulate them to get what you want.

Relationships are a place where the couple MUST [Read more...]

What really causes a person to want to leave their relationship?

If you were wanting to save your relationship then the answer to this question is potentially gold, and the answer is not what you think. If you are thinking of leaving your relationship then this may help you understand what is happening to you.

Leaving a relationship is a big life changing step and so it’s important to understand what’s really going on to make sure the emotional distress is not creating a fog that could lead to a permanent mistake.

To be clear I agree certain couples shouldn’t be together, however far too many couples are splitting up because they are unaware of what you are about to read. [Read more...]

Relationship problems? This is critical to know…

Today I’m going to share how one woman reconnected with her trouble teenage daughter, why a woman chose not to leave her husband and what these two stories have in common that will be affecting everyone’s relationship right now.

  • If your partners needs are different from yours and you don’t know what those differences are, how difficult would it be to connect to each other?
  • What if your partners primary needs change as they go through different life stages how confusing would that be?
  • What if a person needs are not being met, they don’t know what their needs are, or how to share them?
  • What if a person expects their partner to know what they need because they assume their partner has the exact same needs as them?

If you want to have a meaningful connection with anyone in your family then understanding and respecting what they need is critical to maintain a connection that works. [Read more...]

Valentines Day is coming!

Valentines day is approaching and for my regular readers you may have noticed I never comment on special days and religious events.

I have however decided this to make this year an exception.

My personal thought is any day that enables two people to share their love for each other is an amazing day in my book.

However from what I have heard there are very mixed feelings about this day. [Read more...]

Mastering Your Emotions

If you translate your partners behaviours to be bad yet you miss their true intent which was actually good who in the moment has caused the relationship stress?

This situation is practiced by so many couples and they simply can’t see it. As a result they will cycle through blame, frustration, anger, sadness and potential detachment. The problem this situation creates is when we feel someone has done us a wrong and it hurts us we will remember it and hold on to it.

So when the person who says they love you has hurt you and it happens again and again we go on red alert. You see not being loved in the way we need has so much pain attached to it, many of us will avoid that feeling at all costs, so the result is we will move to protect ourselves.

This means we are looking for what’s wrong instead of looking for our partners intent. [Read more...]

Where do our emotions come from and can we control them?

The short answer to this question is we create our emotions and yes we can control them if you want to. I know many of the skeptics will now want proof, so I will do my best to explain in this post.

Whatever you feel, you are the creator of that feeling. No one (thankfully) has the power to get inside our heads and give us our feelings, although some may want to try. If you think people can make you feel certain things then this is for you.

Whatever is happening around us, or to us, does not create our feelings. We have to use our brain to translate what is happening in our world into something that makes sense to us. [Read more...]

Marriage Tip Three: Never Ever Give Up Without The Real Facts

One of my clients asked me, why have I decided to work with couples with marriage problems and why specifically have I decided to work with couples in extreme marital crisis?

This for me was an easy question, because…

I am passionate about relationships and family. I am especially passionate about helping lost couples find their way back to each others hearts. Also when I know there are other little hearts involved I feel even more responsibility to guide them all to safety.

  • I believe that no matter how bad a marriage becomes, couples can turn their relationship around quickly, the reason so many don’t is because they don’t know how. So exhausted they give up trying.   [Read more...]

How to Heal Broken Relationships

The most effective process for helping couples develop the skills to grow their relationship starts with their relationship with themselves. The couple are the foundations to the relationship and if the foundations are weak the relationship suffers.

You see if individual(s) are challenged by past events then that past will be used as one of their filters to make sense of their world. The meanings they give to their relationship will be based on that past combined with many other critical filters. Many people are not aware of these filters and how powerful they are.

Most individuals have some kind of misalignment without knowing. Society and parents teach people methods of how to destroy relationships without knowing. Individuals can come to sessions with no obvious past traumatic event, only to discover the way they experience the world is complex and unwinnable. [Read more...]

Should relationships just work? Is the fact they are not a sign of incompatibility?

Many people believe that relationships should just work naturally. The reality is to create a relationship that lasts and stays passionate takes real skill. Skills that most people are not aware they need.

  • It’s the being unaware that “skills are needed” is what causes real problems.

You see it’s not until couples spend enough time getting things wrong and they both get to the place where they feel they might have to separate because they are so unhappy is the point when they wake up to their reality.

You see relationships don’t fail over night, it takes constant effort (the wrong effort) to be successful at destroying your relationship. [Read more...]

Is Stress Affecting Your Relationship & Life?

Anyone suffering from stress will be affecting not only their relationship, but all parts of their life.

When we feel over loaded, or over whelmed we have feelings of stress and it is very damaging to our bodies, to those we love and every aspect of our lives.

Relationships themselves can cause stress, as couples can live together with a range of experiences from not feeling enough, to something is wrong, from not getting what they need to a loss of love. Stress can have explosive results due to obvious situations in relationships such as affairs and gross loss of trust.

High pressure jobs can affect your stress levels especially the high risk ones here is a few…

  • Recruitment Consultants
  • Lawyers/Solicitors
  • Teachers
  • Health Care workers
  • Bankers and city traders
  • Head Chefs
  • IT Helpdesk Providers

Other top stress drivers

  • Death of a spouse
  • Divorce
  • Marriage
  • Pregnancy
  • Buying a house
  • Christmas

Of course many of these factors can be having an impact on one person all at once and overload can start to take hold.

At this point chemicals are released into the persons body and will create the physical symptoms of stress and so idividuals will use coping mechanisms to rebalance how they feel.

Physical symptoms of stress

  • Over-eating
  • Excessive drinking of alcohol
  • Loss of appetite or anorexia
  • Smoking more
  • Irritability with other people
  • Substance Abuse
  • You can’t make decisions, large or small.
  • Lack of concentration
  • Increased and suppressed anger
  • Loss of your sense of humor
  • Paranoia
  • Feeling out of control
  • Excessive emotion & crying at small irritations
  • Permanently tired even after sleep – (another very common symptom of stress)
  • Decreased sex drive / libido

To stop the build up of unwanted chemicals, exercise is critical, but more than that by understanding the meanings we are giving to these situations and controlling our thoughts will have a significant impact on when these chemical are released.

100 people will have 100 different reactions to the same situation, so it’s not the situation that is causing the problem it’s the meanings we give them.

Our meanings are created from our experience of our world so far, if you can change the meanings that you create you will change your reaction to potentially stressful events.

Left untreated stress can have significant impact on physical health and can lead to depression and anxiety.

  • If you would like help with Stress please get in contact today.

What Is Your Life Purpose?

What were you designed to be and do? If life is not the way it should be how are you going to feel. How is your relationship going to suffer if you don’t feel right.

If something does not feel right, then you can be sure that something is not right. As we go through our lives from childhood what happens is we create a purpose for our lives during that time. So our purpose at different moments in time could be to

  • Have fun
  • Protect yourself
  • Set yourself free
  • Find adventure
  • Discover you
  • Control everything
  • The list is endless…

Everyone creates these life purposes without conscious awareness and it’s the life conditions that will create the need to change or shift our purpose.

Depending on how your life conditions change your purpose will shift to adapt, but you can find that you are not meeting your core values. If this happens, whilst you might be meeting your needs your values are being ignored and this creates a very unhappy and distorted version of you.

So we can look back and say that times in our life were not good for us. This is a reflection of needs being met, but values being ignored.

Is this where you are today? If you are unhappy with you or your life you can bet that your relationship is suffering.

  • To live a happy life that is always a win-win situation for you, you must understand how you work. So when life conditions change you no longer live in reaction limiting your true self and creating internal conflict… …that can lead to stress, depression, anger, anxiety!

If you would like help with this contact me today!

Stressed, depressed, anxious, unhappy for no reason?

Many people I see in relationship coaching sessions suffer from an inner conflict of some kind where no matter what they choose they are unhappy. This can bring on feelings of being depressed, stressed, anxious or unhappy either for what they think is the reason, or for no reason at all.

They go round-and-round in circles with their own thoughts, never really knowing what seems right. They know something is wrong, but they can never put their finger on what is really causing their pain.

The most usual route to success with this kind of problem is…

Step one

…is to understand if there is a gap between how they think their life should be compared to their perception of their own reality. A difference here will give anyone a feeling that they are not living the life they were born to live, yet their might be really good reason why they have not got what they want, but they either can’t accept it, or their map of how life should be is out of date.

Step two

…to understand how the different personalities within themselves have created the life they have today. They are usually are living in a fear state were they are ready for problems to hit them all of the time and this version of them is usually exhausted, so they feel down, or depressed, stress, anxious or all four.

Step three

…to understand their critical needs, values and rules for life. What we usually discover is that without knowing they have set these up so they can never win and so they always go round-and-round in circles, looking for answers that never appear. They look for what they think the problem is and so they either blame it, or remove it and this could be their relationship,

Step four

…is to realign all these parts of them so they are working together and then to build strength and confidence within the individual so they are able to create resourceful states at will, so they are always in control.

Taking these four steps whilst getting leverage so a change become easier for the individual makes a massive impact on how the individuals now sees the world.

They can see why they have gotten to where they are today and what is hurting them. This detailed information helps them choose a better way to live and still creates the happiness they were always after.

Does this sound like something you are suffering with, maybe your partner is unhappy, but they don’t know why, or perhaps you have a friend or family member who suffers from depression or stress and can’t seem to break that pattern

  • If so I can help please get in touch today click here

Relationship Patterns of Behaviour

Are you aware of your relationship patterns of behaviour? Have you noticed that we all have all setup patterns in our lives without knowing?

For example

  • Which shoe do you always put on first, left one or the right one?
  • When you brush your teeth, where do you always start, left or right, top or bottom?

These are just two simple patterns that you will always do. You set them up without knowing and for years you run this pattern without thinking or knowing. You have actually set-up thousands of patterns in response to your world and your perception of it.

Do you know someone that is always angry, or always depressed, or always stressed? What pattern are they running?

When you put pressure on these people what comes out is the pattern that they have put into themselves, these people have a pattern of learnt helplessness, because they feel that it is out of their control. No one has told them what they are feeling can be changed all they have to do is change their focus.

They feel that the world, something or someone is controlling how they feel. A depressed person will look for everything that’s wrong in their life and this is their focus, it’s this pattern that keeps their depression alive.

If anyone spent hours looking for everything that’s wrong with their  life, if they spoke slowly in a monotone voice, head down looking at the floor, physically moving slowly whilst running a movie in their mind of how awful their life is and with a belief that life will always be this way, wouldn’t ANYONE be depressed?

Life events don’t cause us to have feeling of depression, it’s the meanings we give to these life events. If we believe that there is only one way to experience that event then we’ll feel helpless. Of course there is hundreds of ways to experience any situation.

Angry people, stress people, sad people, they all run patterns to keep them in this place.

What patterns are you running in your relationship? Tomorrow I will expand on this topic so you will start to understand what might be going on in your relationship.