Help Advice Support & Guidance
If a person has a life without a planned direction or purpose then what should that person should expect from their life?
What would happen to the couple without direction or life purpose, they get married and don’t plan their journey through life? What should they expect from their life together?
The secret to success in this world is simple, you have to work out where you can add value and plan to add lots of value to whatever is important to you. [Read more...]
If you knew there were simple steps to becoming successful in the areas of life that are important to you wouldn’t you want to know what those steps were?
Within every person that comes for help I am looking for ways in which I can help them discover their strengths. Powerful parts of themselves they have hidden without knowing.
I believe there is a key to everyones inner strength something that will create the desire within them to take action and to claim the life that will equal fulfillment for them.
We all have strengths and yet months or years of battling with life, careers, relationships, children and even ourselves can wear us down. [Read more...]
When trying to save any marriage knowing where to put your energy is very important. So many couples who have lost their intimacy focus on that part of their relationship and try to fix that with disastrous consequences for their relationship.
In many cases the intimacy is not the core issue it’s a symptom of the couples real problem.
The couple may have lost trust in each other, or in their future together. If trust goes then the desire to meet each others needs also goes away.
So if the couple lose those two key element then intimacy will suffer. [Read more...]
Yesterday I wrote about how the meanings we give to situations shape our lives today. So to expand on that we are going to look at the foundation that creates those meanings.
Our focus of thought is the foundation of our life experiences. Without a conscious direction of thought most people minds automatically focus on their fears, or what’s wrong.
The mind is designed for automatic processing of thought so we can quickly understand if we are safe or not. The problems come when we use this automatic thought to design our lives…
If our focus is the foundation of our meaning then most people will live in fear. This fear is brought to life and maginfied by the person as they feel more and more out of control of their life. [Read more...]
Fulfilling relationships are born from the knowledge of what has to happen for you to create your journey of success together. If that knowledge then forms your focus and your actions it will then become a part of who you are.
Your relationship then has a chance of growth through contribution of what really works.
The two individuals in the relationship are the foundations that support the relationship and so if the foundations are weak then the relationship either will suffer or cannot survive. [Read more...]
If your relationship is in trouble and you have tried everything to fix it yourself and nothing is working then these are the simple steps that will have a massive impact on your relationship and are the steps I use when working with couples in crisis.
I help people understand the true cost of not fixing their relationship problems. When people decide to split-up they don’t think about the true cost both emotionally and financially. The cost is always much bigger than they thought, it’s far more expensive, the emotional fall out goes on for years and massively effects their future relationships, plus their children are affected for life sometimes hating their parents. [Read more...]
What are the top three critical things a couple can focus on that will make 80% of the difference to the success of their relationship? Are you aware of what’s critical to make your relationship work? Many couples don’t know and so they can find themselves stuck, unhappy, lonely in their relationships.
So as you scan the points below what do you think you have missed or not understood fully? [Read more...]
I’m sure you will agree that if the foundations of the relationship are not strong then the relationship is going to suffer.
So what are the foundations?
I want to say that I really do feel for all couples that are struggling to make their relationship work, it is one of the hardest places to be. I know because I too was once in this place, lost, frustrated, angry why could I not make them work for me?
Because I know personally the pain that couples go through from my own experiences my biggest pleasure today is helping couples understand their truth. Some couple should not be together, but many are struggling not because they are wrong for each other, but because they are missing some key information.
What if just a few things make 80% of the difference for couples. What if all couples could quickly learn those critical steps they could take?
Most couples put so much effort into dating each other and have no idea what works and what doesn’t so they stop doing what works without knowing.
Over the years they practice doing what will ultimately kill their relationship, but they don’t mean to, they don’t know they are doing it.
Couples can assume the wrong things about each other for years.
If couples were really aware of the massive differences between male and female their perspective on their relationship and how they respond to each other would change in an instant.
But of course the differences between the sexes is just a part of the mix for success.
All this combined with undoing the myths that society hypnotise us all with, plus one key the key to creating a relationship where you can be truly you.
That key is to understand you and what equals happiness for you. How do you create fulfilment for yourself?
If you knew the key to your relationship with yourself then helping others become successful with you would be so much easier.
These are some of the simple steps that couples can take with me to discover their truth with me.
Your relationship is valuable if what you have done so far has not worked please don’t assume it will sort it’s self out with time. Something has to change and the assumption the relationship is wrong could be the wrong one.
I will soon be releasing news of a new addition to my practice in Harley Street.
As a compliment to my life and relationship coaching/mentoring services this highly experienced Psychologist will be offering her services and wealth of experience to all my clients existing and new.
If you are interested to learn more, an official release will be out soon.
To your success.
Kind regards
Stephen Hedger
From time to time we can all have doubts that knock our confidence and this is normal. Sometimes our confidence can become so knocked that rebuilding our strength in our ability to create a wonderful future can feel almost impossible. Impossible to the point we feel stuck, paralysed in a life that can just feel wrong.
I want to share a true story of how someone can create an unwinnable life that keeps them paralyzed. So stuck they came to me for help…
This may not reflect what is specifically happening to you. What is important is you know if you are feeling challenged by life there are answers for you.
This lady was totally unaware of what was happening for her, but what she did know was her behaviours were destroying her life. [Read more...]
The following questions and answers point towards something important see if you can guess what it is…
Did you spot the common thread with each person?
Each person was focused on themselves and what they are getting. When things go wrong their focus is likely to be focused on what they are not getting.
You see ironically the more you give to your relationship the more you’ll get back. Of course you have to give what your partner really wants. No point giving what you think they want you could prove you don’t understand them.
In my experience if you give consistently through understanding you’ll get back 10 times what you put in.
So the model is simple, never give to get, give because you are a giving person!
The irony is the giving person always ends up with far more than the selfish one.
Do you have a relationship you want to keep? Are you stuck not sure what to do? Do you feel that no matter what you do it seems to keep failing?
If this is you then understanding the steps to getting the relationship back on track are critical.
If any relationship has suffered problems the challenge the couple now face is A LACK OF TRUST! Trust that the relationship will not be the way they need it to be, for them to be happy.
To be successful your thoughts have to go to the points of conflict where the couple have failed with each other and ignited fears for the future.
Usually in conflict situations and even the ones she has started, what the female needs is to be loved and understood, what the male needs is the ability to fix her problem. If he doesn’t know how to deal with the conflict he might become really angry, through frustration, or he might shut-down or escape in some way hoping the problem will just go away.
None of this works and just adds more fuel to the fire.
All of these behaviours are the reverse of what’s needed and bit-by-bit the relationship dies. She can feel that he has no desire to understand her, and he can feel she can never be pleased.
None of this is true of course, but without relationship training the couple react the only way they know how. Fight and protect themselves.
If the male can meet his needs in the process of meeting the females’ specific needs at the point of conflict then he can feel successful again in the relationship and she will feel loved and heard.
Both people following this process will start to feel connected again with themselves and each other.
Once the trust has been rebuilt, only then can the couple can work on meeting each others needs.
As a coach I am interested in all areas of improvement from heath to wealth. What I find is how the methods used to help people become financially free and healthier are the same foundational principles that I use to help people create better relationships.
So in principal if you understand one then the foundations are in place to understand them all.
So what are the key areas that will block people from creating wealth and fitness that are totally in line with why couples are blocked from creating successful relationships.
1. Fear
2. Cynicism
3. Laziness
4. Bad Habits
5. Arrogance
Anyone that is experiencing relationship problems is going to be in fear that the future will not be the way they want it to be. This fear creates poor states that disable the person from acting in a way that creates growth for themselves and the relationship. In this place the person can feel disconnected and dislike who they are becoming.
Couples can become cynical about their relationship because they feel that over the years they have collected enough proof the relationship is wrong. Of course with two people in fear, feeling disconnected with who they really are, the couple start to feel the relationship has changed from when they first met and they are no longer compatible.
People become lazy because they can’t see a way forward. They lose motivation when they don’t get the results they want fast. Instead of looking for new answers they keep repeating the old ones, hoping that a new change in their partner will happen. This never works so they stop putting effort in and they become lazy.
Habits get learnt through a persons life and if they are taught how to create relationship by those that are equally lost (their parents), then the foundations are too weak to hold a relationship together. They become their bad habits without knowing and bit by bit they destroy the relationship in their quest to save it.
What then happens is the person with years of distorted perceptions of themselves and their relationship think they understand their problems. In reality they are a million miles away from their truth. So they blame everyone else for their problems and think they know best. Most won’t seek help and even if they do they are just going through the motions. What they usually want is for me to change their partner because it’s their fault.
So if you want to be rich in all that life has to offer then overcoming all the above has to be the focus. You see it is easy to find everything that wrong in a relationship and end it anyone can do that, it’s not until a person has had many failed relationships that they start to ask themselves where does the real problem sit.
Many of course chose through fear to not ask this question decide to forget relationships altogether and live life alone. For them it is better to be alone and right, at least that way they are safe.
Of course they are not safe because inside them sits the proof that really they were never enough and they are not loved.
So what is the truth for you? Is now the time to understand and set yourself free?
I remember listening to Jim Rohn one of the mentors I have used on my journey to discover the world and how it really works.
He was a very successful business man who had been lucky enough to have a mentor who knew how to make millions. He taught Mr Rohn his secrets for success and Mr Rohn went from broke to $millions in just 6 years. The public obviously wanted to know the secrets, what information did he receive? How did he make so much money so fast.
So over the years he ran seminars all over the world. People in their thousands came to listen to his stories. Jim knew one thing that always amazing him. Even though the people in the audience knew that he had the secrets to wealth which could transform their lives very few actually took his advice.
He recommended to those audience the books that people should read that he was advised to read. He estimated that only a small percentage would actually go out and buy those books.
He was right only a few did… much to his amazement.
Why do people follow experts and then decide not to follow the path they are shown.
The reason I ask this today is I see this with the readers of my blog and those that come to sessions. A few months back a couple came to one of my sessions and they quickly learnt what had gone wrong and why.
They discovered how to fix the problem is the first session and for the first week they had an amazing time together. They came for a second session excited at what they had learnt before and were ready for the next stage.
Three days after the second session they called me, both of them distressed it had all gone wrong and both were talking about divorce again.
When I asked what had happened we discovered that they had both stopped doing what was working in the first week and had gone back to their old ways.
You see, even when they saw the proof for themselves, it’s like they became blind.
If you have been following this blog for a while and you still have problems ask yourself why? Are you going to take action, are you going to discover your truth, if so when?
Remember doing nothing is a choice too.
If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship and you want to know the steps to saving your marriage then this is a good first step towards a solution for you. This is a fundamental step and foundational to the success of any relationship.
If your marriage has been in decline then you partner has been attaching feelings to you which result in them feeling bad about themselves when they are around you. If this carries on for too long their logical solution will be to remove you or themselves.
BTW: They don’t choose to do this, it is automatic at a behaviour level.
The good news is the process of attaching “good feelings” to you is automatic for them too.
So if you take steps to help your partner feel good then over time those great feelings will start to feel solid and they will then attach more and more great feelings back to you.
This is a common response to my advice above. If your partner has been behaving poorly then it’s likely to be a cry for help rather than a desire to hurt you. Men and women can shut down when they feel that their relationship is impossible to fix. Couples can test each other with destructive words. What is considered to be hurtful behaviour can actually be a desire to wake their partner up to listen to the pain they feel.
The challenge is that men and women communicate totally differently. Which on it’s own is a big topic so know this if you are judging your partners behaviour, know quickly, you are not qualified.
Many people feel qualified to judge their partners and through that judgement they decide their partner has done wrong. They are now likely to punish them in some way.
Punishment does not create more love, all it does is help your partner automatically attach bad feelings to you. So if you punish you start to kill your own relationship. Some people feel they have been punished for years and without warning just leave the relationship to the shock and horror of their partner.
If your relationship is dying and you want to keep it, work out what great feelings you want your partner to feel and them help them feel that way.
If you want an amazing relationship then you have to become amazing and be the example, after all your partner may just be lost and fearful. Plus there are no relationship schools so a lack of education may not be your partners fault and they might be doing their best with what they know, i.e. what their parents taught them and the chances of their parents being lost with relationships too, are very high.
Vic & Ali a wonderful couple full of love for each other, they could see an amazing future ahead of them. Their eyes were also wide open to the ups and downs married life could bring and so they came to me with a clear goal. They wanted to know how to effectively deal with the unexpected challenges they knew life would throw at them.
They were already aware that they needed help, dealing with existing external factors that had the potential to negatively affect their relationship and marriage together.
The Pre-Marital work I do for all couples is bespoke to their specific situation. We covered not only how to plan for the future they wanted, but also covered their own personal histories and specific individual needs so we could understand what could cause potential problems in the future.
The goal was to create relationship that not just lasted, but lasted with passion, no matter what challenges crossed their path…
On their wedding website they wrote:
Some people see a priest before their wedding day- instead we prepared for a long and happy marriage with help from Stephen Hedger.
The instigating factor were family challenges that we knew might have a negative impact on our relationship if we didn’t learn how to deal with them effectively.
We learned how to better manage that situation and were able to get married confident in our skills to deal with the inevitable issues life throws your way. But we also got so much more than that. We learned all about our values, the different versions of ourselves that present themselves in a variety of situations, we learned how to really listen to each other, and create a joint vision of what we want our married life to be all about.
We learned how to jointly decide what to do when several options present themselves and so much more. Stephen’s approach is warm and humorous whilst challenging you to be your best self.
I highly recommend working with Stephen for pre-marital coaching to any couple who are serious about not becoming one of the 1/4 who later divorce. It won’t protect you from the challenges of life but will arm you with powerful tools, ways of thinking and behaviours that will help you navigate your way through life together.
Vic and Ali Godding – Married on Friday 22nd July 2011
Sharing this journey with Vic & Ali has been a real pleasure.
It is always so refreshing to be able to help couples at the start of their lives together, to help them learn how to really understand themselves and then how to understand and contribute to each others wants, needs and desires.
They discovered how to create a heartfelt understanding that lead them to a solid foundation for trust, respect and certainty for the future. They are now aligned to live consciously together without the fear of not coping when times get tough.
I want to personally wish them every success and happiness, they are truly amazing people that deserve the very best!
If you have ever considered hypnosis and wondered what it is like? Would you like to try it in the privacy of your own home? This could be a great introduction and very low cost way to explore what it can do for you. This company is highly professional and has created a vast selection of MP3 Hypnosis downloads below designed to help you with many common problems. As you know I rarely promote others on this site, but this is a company I am delighted to share with you my valued reader.
Please feel free to check out the links below and explore what could make a difference in your life today. To your success, Stephen Hedger
Feeling out of control of your life is a terribly scary place to be. People can feel out of control in so many ways helping them to feel depressed, powerless, worthless they could feel unloved, depressed, anxious.
These feelings all can lead someone to feel unable to make decisions that make sence so they live in a place that helps them to feel stuck.
People can start to feel that whatever they choose they will feel unhappy and so feelings of hopelessness start to take over.
This can happen at work, in relationships, with family in fact in almost any life condition that is import to the person.
How can a person have confidence in their ability to make a decision, if they have a history of bad decisions. Or maybe they think they have done everything right, yet the result has always felt bad for them.
These are the focuses of the mind that you need to make your enemy before they take control of you.
Indifference: This will put you on any path that comes along, from here you are out of control drifting though life, fingers crossed something will change. Of course things will change, you’ll be older and drifting.
Indecision: Will steal from you the opportunities that present themselves to you, it will even stop you looking for what you really need.
Doubt: Not everything is this world is going to be good for you, but if you let doubt become apart of you, where you doubt everything including yourself then trouble is going to be yours.
Worry: The process of worry is designed to tell you something has to change. If all you do is worry and take no action for growth then you become the the worry, at that point it’s really time to worry, because now you’re really stuck. [Read more...]
STEPHEN HEDGER:
Marriage Adviser & Divorce Prevention Specialist
10 Harley Street London W1G 9PF
