She was convinced her marriage was over and so she left her husband

When couples share their stories of working with other professionals with me I am always struggling to hear through their approach, where is the critical breakthrough that will enable that couple to experience a new truth in their marriage?

This particular couple came because they were getting nowhere and needed a fresh and constructive approach.

It’s key to enable a shift in a couple the couple breakthrough their own fears, their limiting beliefs, their old patterns of how marriages should work so they can start to feel free to be themselves in their own marriage.

When a couple is challenged on all aspects of their marriage from a perspective of genuine care for a safe outcome, that couple will find through key strategic shifts new ways to see their marriage totally differently. [Read more...]

“Our marriage is in crisis! Tell us exactly what we have to do to fix it?”

If your marriage isn’t working for any reason it’s a horrible experience, so when you have exhausted all avenues what next?

This lady has kindly taken time to share her experience of a first meeting with Stephen (The initial Consultation). She wanted a way forward, but really couldn’t see how they could ever make it work.

Q: What attracted you to Stephen?

A: I looked online trying to get a bit of help just because I didn’t know any other way and Stephens website stood out in terms of what he offered, it would appear that all the other counsellors and therapists just sort of listen and don’t actually give any advice. [Read more...]

“My partner says they don’t love me anymore – what do I do?”

If your partner is telling you their love for you has died, there are a few very powerful things you should and shouldn’t do if your goal is to get them back into the marriage.

Loss of love doesn’t happen over night and can be a total mystery to their partner which leaves them feeling lost and powerless.

The things you should do, most people don’t do….

…and the things they shouldn’t do, they almost always do.

So the first thing you must NOT do is PANIC!

Loss of love is something the person has created within them, so it means it’s not permanent and can be undone with the right approach. [Read more...]

Let’s talk man-to-man

Many men struggle to understand their wives, partner, girlfriend. In fact this struggle for men is widespread and is such a frustrating place for him to be.

He knows he loves her, but for him she acts as though she doesn’t believe him, or doesn’t trust him. He feels that he can’t win and that she acts as if she doesn’t care about him.

At times he feels she can seem impossible to please and reasoning with her just seems to spark her into a frenzy of accusations that just are not true from his perspective. [Read more...]

Interested Piece in the Guardian – “Therapy stole my boyfriend”

I get news from accross the globe on all issues news regarding relationships, counselling, therapy, coaching and the work carried out by those wanting to help with relationship problems.

I recieved an alert for me to read an article in the Guardian yesterday very interesting…

I would be interested in your thoughts please feel free to comment below.

To read it please  click here and come back to this page with your thoughts.

Why Are You Putting Up With This?

If your relationship is going wrong, why are you putting up with this? How long does this have to go on before you take action? Six more months? A year? How about 5 years, how will your life look if you don’t do something by then. We only get one life and don’t you want to get more from yours. You know unless changes are created nothing will change don’t you?

  • Society says the reasons behind relationship failures are “presenting problems” such as: Lack of intimacy, stress, depression, money problems, arguments, children, loss, affairs, drink, drugs, abuse and controlling behaviours the list goes on…

These are the typical types of problems that many couples experience that bring their relationship to the brink of collapse and beyond.

If the couple decide to focus on what I call their “presenting problems”, the chances are they will go round in circles destroying the relationship bit by bit.

If the couple want to fix their relationship they have to focus on something totally different.

So when couples arrive at a session with me, my first job is to understand how their presenting problems are affecting the individuals. Then I need to understand how their individual meanings have impacted their relationship negatively.

Once I understand how the couple are experiencing the relationship then I take the focus off the presenting problems and move the focus to the real issues that have sat hidden in the relationship and are the main cause of their problems.

You see if you try to fix the presenting problems all you will do is mask the reasons the issue is in the relationship so it will happen again. For example if we didn’t fix the reason he had an affair the chances of him having an affair again are high. Or if the reason she became depressed wasn’t understood then she would stay depressed or become worse.

The source of why their problems exist has to be the goal for any couple to understand.

The chances of the couple understanding how to fix their source problems is very unlikely. In my sessions I help the couples understand the tools they can use at home to understand why they are experiencing their specific problems and what they can both do to fix their relationship without the need for months or years of therapy.

Most couples’ problems can be sorted really quickly.

The focus of the sessions is on Growth in all situations including conflict.

If you can both learn how to meet yours, and each-others needs consistently no matter what situation you will both feel confident, successful secure and less fearful of a future together.

This really is what it is all about.

So are you going to allow this to fester or are you going to take action? Click here

Anger Management Therapy

Do you feel that anger is causing you and your relationships problems? Do you feel that maybe some kind of anger management therapy could be helpful.

She had a terrible temper and the relationship was suffering

I remember this couple that came to one of my sessions and the the lady in the couple had been advised by her then counselor to go to anger management to keep her temper under control, her husband was delighted. She did as she was advised and the result was she became depressed introverted and disconnected with her true self.

It is key to understand why the anger is there?

Now the relationship was suffering due to her depression. They both decided to come to a consultation with me to see if we could find answers. We explored the relationship and we discovered that her anger was directly connected to her fears that the relationship was not going to work. She felt alone and out of control of her future. Her anger was actually a cry for help.

Her partner had no idea this was the case and instead of loving her and looking after her, he became angry himself and defensive out of frustration, resulting in him shutting himself away. Of course this made her anger worse as it worried her even more as she saw it as proof that her fears were going to come true.

Once he understood her pain through sessions with me, and that he held the key to her security he chose to show her love her through her fears. The result was the trust was rebuilt and magically her fears disappeared, and her anger stopped.

Anger Management? Do you want to manage it or get rid of it?

Through understanding how we work and how our emotions are created, we can rid ourselves of those automatic emotions that can cause us so many problems, not only for ourselves, but in relationships and the outside world.

Channel 4: Relationships & Love

Dear Readers of Stephenhedger.com

I’m an Assistant Producer working at The Garden Productions, an independent award-winning documentary  production company founded last year by the team who made the BAFTA award-winning series One Born Every Minute for Channel 4 and more recently, 24 Hours in A&E on Channel 4.

Trying to make your relationship work again after difficulties

We are now making a landmark 7  part observational documentary series for Channel 4 about love and relationships. This intelligent, insightful and sensitive series will reflect relationships throughout a lifetime  from first kiss to final farewell and everything else in between. Across the generations, we will explore what it really means to be in love. We want the film to be hopeful, inspiring and celebratory of love in all it’s forms.

One of the films will  focus on couples who have been in long term relationships and who have experienced a problem of some kind. We would like to speak to couples who, despite their difficulty, are trying to work things out and resolve their difficulties. The emphasis of the film will be about the positives of working things through as a couple but also looking at the complexities and difficulties of relationships.  We would also very much like to capture the positive benefits of perhaps, couple therapy etc.

I would like to add that we are simply interested in speaking to couples informally, for research purposes and there is absolutely no obligation to take part in the documentary at this stage.

Many thanks for your help – it is very much appreciated.

Kind regards

Charlotte Rodrigues
Assistant Producer

The Garden Productions

If you are interested please contact Charlotte by calling her on 020 3465 9066 or emailing her at love@thegardenproductions.tv

Divorce Lawyers and Clients: A United Front

Rosemary Savage a leading Matrimonial Solicitor with thirty years experience in the field of family law and mediation and senior partner of Hampstead and Welwyn Garden City based law firm, R A Savage & Co explores the benefits of life coaching and relationship break down therapy for those faced with the inevitable psychological effects of family breakdown and separation.

“As family lawyers my colleagues and I are attuned to the fact that divorce is a time of immense stress and anxiety for those persons concerned. When faced with the turmoil and reality of separation and consequential family breakdown it often becomes apparent when a client displays the characteristics of feeling that they are losing their sense of personal identity. Clients find themselves battling the feeling of insecurity about their future and whether they will ever feel able to move on with their lives and form new relationships.

In some cases, coupled with such anxieties is the feeling of stress with having to engage with lawyers and the court process which is a daunting experience whatever a persons circumstances.

Resolution the national organisation of family lawyers of which my colleagues and I are members is committed to the constructive resolution of family disputes, and describes divorce and separation as being on the life events scale ranking above imprisonment,
retirement, redundancy and only just below the death of spouse.

When conducting a client’s case it can often initially be difficult to take instructions and advise as they will often be encountering the feeling of bereavement as a reaction to changes and the loss of either a partner and/or contact with their child/children.

When met with a client challenged by the emotional turmoil of family breakdown lawyers often have to consider whether a client is ready and/or in the right frame of mind to pursue legal proceedings or alternatively whether first of all it may be more appropriate
for a client to seek the aid of medical advice offered by their respective GP and/or counselling, life coaching, relationship breakdown therapy. The decision as to this is of course that of the client but in my experience such assistance can be invaluable and helps make the process much more manageable for the client with long term benefits.

We all at R A Savage & Co have witnessed first hand those clients who have defeated their past psychological barriers as a result of having sought the aid of life coaching and relationship breakdown therapy in particular.

I cannot emphasise enough the importance of lawyers consciously exploring whether there is a need for such aids in all cases and I echo the following words from Resolution;”

“To be professional is not to, as Lawyers deny our own emotional reactions exist but rather to understand them and deal with them in such a way that our reaction with, and advice given to, our clients remains objective, constructive and truly in the client’s best
interest”.
Rosemary A Savage LL B
Proprietor of R A Savage & Co Solicitors

www.rasavage.co.uk

How To Reinvent You After A Break Up

The Mail Online reported yesterday that, Ultimate Big Brother’s Chantelle admits: ‘I should have had therapy after my divorce, not plastic surgery’

Women in particular feel a big need to change their appearance to help them feel good after a relationship break up. The problem is because the change they usually choose is external the initial feelings are artificial and so they don’t last very long.

A woman’s natural beauty and confidence comes from within her and so unless she puts her focus into this area of her life and herself she will always ultimately feel the same no matter what she does to her hair, clothes, make-up and now the extreme make-over, plastic surgery.

If a woman really wants to reinvent herself what she needs to do is understand that she has many versions of her already and the shift to get from the painful and fearful version of her into the version that will make her feel happy, attractive and sexy again will never happen though any external intervention long-term.

The many versions of you

Imagine if you knew all the different parts of you, and you knew how to bring them out on demand.

  • The fun you
  • The sexy you
  • The you that always knows what to do to make you happy and keep you safe.

In that process of getting to know these different versions of you and in women there are 20+, you’ll also get to retire the versions of you which feel exhausted at the life you have been living, these parts of you that might always be worried or fearful, maybe depressed or anxious.

When life conditions change people change automatically

When relationships are in trouble both parties go into fear states where they are protecting themselves from what might happen in the future.

If their relationship problems have been going on for a while they can get stuck in these fears states and so they live in a distorted version of themselves always on the look out for problems.

So if the fear was massive as in Chantelle’s case she would go for a big change, which if you have watched the UK’s Channel 4 programme “Ultimate Big Brother” you can see that after her surgery she didn’t get the change she really wanted… She is not alone!

If you would like more information on how to get to know the different versions of you or you would like help with your break up and how to reinvent you so it lasts please click here