The Biggest Rule Break in Relationships

Before I share this rule break, I want to say that those that do it have no idea that it’s causing them so much pain. To them this behaviour is normal and is how the world works. The belief that what they do is normal is a real challenge and one they have to undo to ever have a chance of creating a relationship that works to meeting the relationship rules.

If they don’t change this behaviour they will never get the real love they desire

  • The biggest rule break is this: If I give to you, what do I get back? Or put another way trading for what you want!

This behaviour is fundamentally the desire to trade for what they want/need. So they will trade for love, for security, for significance even for sex.

This is the “… if I do this for you what will you do for me?”  This behaviour really causes so many problems, because this trade is all about “me” and therefore selfish and immature. So a person who gives their partner presents, time, or love could be expecting something in return, and when they don’t get back what they think they should, they become cross with their partner’s ungrateful selfish behaviour.

If a partner gives because he or she wanted their partner to feel good because he or she loves them and the intention is just to want them to feel wonderful about themselves, then this act moves them to attach wonderful feeling to this selfless act.

Unfortunately many men and women are setting up many trades every day to get their needs met in their relationship. The problem happens when their partner is unaware of the expectation of the trade. E.G. If I give you flowers will you give me sex or love. Now what happens is the person who created the trade gets cross that the trade has not been fair, even though the receiver had no idea that any expectation was there.

So think about this, if you are going to trade in your relationship why not be honest about it? Why not tell your partner you want to trade with them? Why not tell them that the trade you want is you want something in return. E.G If you give them flowers what you want in return is sex.

THE REASON YOU DON’T IS BECAUSE ITS MANIPULATING AND CONTROLLING! You’re more likely to get a slap…

You can’t buy love, or sex from your partner, a relationship is not a trade, as soon as it becomes one watch your passion and relationship die.

So the question I now receive is, “…so how do I get what I want?”

The way to get what you want is to create an adult relationship, and come out of the child model of taking. A loving adult relationship is not about you, it is about your desire to want to help your partner to be happy, to give them what they need and expecting nothing in return. Yes I did say that!

You do this because you are a loving person by definition. NOT someone who pulls love away because the trade is not fair.

You see this relationship rule of giving because you love your partner when done with zero expectation is so loving and selfless that it moves your partner so emotionally that if done consistently their desire to want to do the same will feel natural within them.

  • Now the question is who goes first? Honestly – It’s the one who grows up first!

Spend some time now thinking about the trades you are aware of in your relationship today. What does your partner trade for? What do you trade for? If you do anything with a expectation of something in return you are trading and it’s hurting you both.

3 Relationship Phases – Relationship Test

Which phase are you in within your relationship? These phases are very telling and can help anyone to know what will happen to that relationship in the future.

Phase One

In this stage the individual is focused on getting his or her needs met before their partners. This is a very self focused approach and puts the individual in a taking frame of mind to get what they want.

Phase Two 50%/50% Relationship

In this state the couple are trading with each other for what they need in a relationship. The couple will give to each other, but they want something in return.

Phase Three 100%/0

In this phase the couple are focused on understanding each other needs and making sure those needs are met, with no expectation of anything in return.

Which relationship phase are you in and what is likely to happen to your relationship?

In Phase One a me focused relationship is doomed to fail. Even if the couple stay together they will resent each other and find other ways to meet their needs. Remember our needs are critical which means they have to be met.

In Phase Two a trading relationship. This relationship will end up with a loss of intimacy and like a brother and sister type relationship. The man could be beaten emotionally by the woman and the woman will be strong or depressed or both. The man could also bully to get what he wants and convince his partner he is right. There are many ways in which people trade, none of it works and if they don’t split up, an underlying unhappiness sits in the relationship. This results in resentment and loss of respect.

In Phase Three the couple who are focused on meeting their partner needs with no expectation. These are the ones who will succeed not only in creating a lasting relationship, but will also keep their intimacy and passion. Most couples don’t do this and so the myths that surround relationships, such as over time the passion goes, comes true and is accepted.

The process of giving selflessly to those you say you love is likely to put an individual at peace with themselves then the cause and effect process becomes automatic as the receiver wants to give back. When a couple work to understand each others needs and takes action to fulfill them a wonderful new meaning takes over the relationship.

If you are in a relationship and you want to keep it, this is the only model that really works!

So where are you and your partner?

  • Phase One
  • Phase Two
  • Phase Three
  • If you want to now learn more about how to practice Phase Three so it works please get in touch.

Meeting a Mans Basic Needs

Yesterday we looked at how men can meet a womans basic needs, today we are going to discover how a woman can meet a man needs in a relationship.

I must stress that everyone is different and this is just a start, but on the whole if you can make a start in this direction you will be making good progress.

Meeting a Mans Basic Needs

  • A man needs to know her love for him is unconditional, he needs to know that he is loved whatever mood he is in. The love you give him needs to be like the love of a child, so that even if he has done something wrong he still feels that love from her.
  • Men love to be surprised in the ways you show your love and especially if you do this sexually. If a man knows you are planning a sexual adventure for him and you feel free enough with him to show your darker side he will feel great inside and attach that great feeling to you. (… I saw the humor too :-) ).
  • He needs to feel he is important as a man in the relationship. Discover ways to help him feel that his masculine presence is important to you in the relationship. Let him know that he does good job as a partner, provider, father he needs to know he is pleasing you. (CRITICAL)
  • Discover what he needs that equals love to him, and then give that love. It could be your smiling face, a regular touch especially in public, it could be making his favorite meal, or of course planning sex.
  • If she then commits to meeting all his needs above whilst showing a desire to give more to him and working with him towards their chosen goal.
  • If she like him commits to meeting his needs in the way that feel important to him without trading for something in return and both people are doing this. A trusting passionate relationship starts to grow.

You see if you can trust your partner to give you want you need in the way you want it, you would never have a need to go elsewhere to feel good again.

If you feel that you cannot, or don’t want to give to him in the way he needs, the question is why? Of course I will be delighted to help.

If you feel like commenting your thoughts would be valued. Comments below!

Why Relationships Breakdown Really?

One of the major problems I see in relationships in trouble is their refusal to give to their partner just in case they don’t get back what they need.

The translation is this: “I expect more from you than I am prepared to give, just incase I don’t get the love I need from you.”

This pulling love away to protect themselves is very common, but has zero chance of working, if keeping the relationship is the goal.

  • Where is the growth in the relationship if you both pull away, or hold back.

So the couple live in a stalemate, wanting the relationship to work, but never being brave enough to take the first step.

So what is going on in the couples minds, why would you pull love away from someone you say you love?

Conditioning is the first point. Society has conditioned us to punish when someone does us a wrong so this is automatic in most people. The sad thing is people don’t feel more love after being punished so what they have learnt growing up is now destroying their relationship.

The next thing is fear: They fear not getting what they need. If the behaviours in a relationship are driven by fear then the relationship is becoming distorted and the relationship will drift into problems.

The result is the couple starts to make the relationship all about ME!

As soon as the couple stop giving to each other unconditionally, they will start to trade with each other to get what they need from the relationship.

The fear has created a trading relationship, where “… if you do this for me, then I will do this for you!”

This model a couple adopts will radically reduce the intimacy in the relationship, or will result in it ending, neither is good.

Plus the oldest trading relationship is prostitution and I can’t imagine many couples being happy with that as a model in their relationship.

If you want to keep your relationship GIVE LOVE and don’t make it all about YOU!

Please feel free to comment below…

Are You Trading In Your Relationship?

Are you in a trading relationship? Does your partner have to do something for you before you will do something for them, or is it the other way around?

“I’ll do that for you if you do that for me!”


Maybe you are doing this because your parents did, think back, were your parents loving to each other when they were like this or was the atmosphere hard and lacking softness and love.

Trading relationships are destructive for love and passion.

If you and your partner live in this life then the passion love and respect will have gone or be on its way out.

The only way to get the passion back into your life is to give, give and give some more, and ask for nothing in return.

Then watch as if by magic your relationship takes on a whole new meaning. Try it let me know how you get on.