Total Relief

As this couple sat in front of me you could see the total relief on their faces. I smiled and asked them “what do you now need from me?” they both looked at each other and together smiling said “nothing”.

This snap shot of their current reality was the polar opposite of what they brought to me a few months before.

She was making all the sounds that sounded like separation and he was at a total loss as to why they were even in this situation.

All he knew his wife had totally changed and his world was turning upside down, she talked to him about the potential of staying married, but just living different lives even living in different parts of the world.

To him this was out of the question. [Read more...]

Who have you become in your relationship?

Helping a person connect with their true-self is a significant part of helping that person discover the truth in their relationship – should they stay or go? 

If your relationship is in trouble the message below is for you.

Couples living in marital crisis will both be living in versions of themselves that is not reflective of who they are. Fear is going to be very alive in one or both people.

Fear can be a very destructive force in relationships because the fear can grow to the point where resentments can take hold and create needs such as possessiveness, jealousy and control, these powerful feelings can help a person feel a need to withdraw or have a need to be right. [Read more...]

“My husband left me…” She had just given birth and was desperate

To set the scene: This lady was so attached to the life she though she was going to live, she had been putting up with terribly unkind and destructive behaviours from her husband. 

Desperate to get the life she wanted back on track she came to me for help. She wanted me to fix her marriage and help her husband regain his sanity – They had a new born and her husband had just decided to move out of the family home, she had no idea why.

What she didn’t know was her husband was actually having an affair. He had kept it a secret from her and from me through the sessions which essentially gave his wife no hope as he was secretly emotionally invested elsewhere. [Read more...]

Cloé turned to me and said….

I know you only received a post from me yesterday, but Cloé said something to me last night and I wanted to share this with you.

So Cloé and I were sat watching the Xfactor last night and James Jay was singing “I’m going to be (500 miles)”. Cloe turned to me and said “I love that song”.

I agreed, but she repeated, “I love that song because that’s what you would do for me…You would walk 500 hundred miles for me.”

She is right I would and much more.

In fact I have spent 1,000s and 1,000s of hours learning how I can be the best husband I can be for her.

She is the most important person in [Read more...]

Every couple is totally unique and so the solution to their problems has to be unique too…

I have been getting letters from my readers wanting more information because the service I offer seems so different.

The answer is the difference is significant I will share two of the many differences today and how my clients are being supported by these differences.

If you have been a reader for a while you will know that education is a key factor because many couples simply don’t have the knowledge of how to be married and how be an effective partner. The second key difference is the couple will work through key steps, milestones designed to lead them to their desired outcome. [Read more...]

I can’t carry on this way…

When a person trying to save their marriage feels they have done all they can to solve their problems, they have two choices. Stay in a marriage and accept their lot, or they can seek help. Divorce is of course an option, but is last on the list. This person needs to feel they have done all they can before they bail out.

Many of those people that do want to seek help can find themselves alone in their quest. Their partner has chosen for whatever reason to not explore their relationship with a third party. I have to say I hear many horror stories from my clients about their perception of the professional help they have sought historically, so I do understand peoples reluctance.

This leaves the person wanting to get help in a difficult position because they are so stuck.

So I encourage individuals to come in and [Read more...]

Do You Know Someone Like This?

Too many people are trying to control their outside world so they can feel good and this is really hard work. They end up feeling empty and detached from their true authentic self, some confused end up looking for reasons to blame others for how they feel.

Inside they feel that something is wrong so they need to rebalance their world, over time a behaviour is born to cope, it becomes their thing to do when life feels wrong.

What’s interesting is someone in this place will become addicted to a behaviour, but will not make the connection that the behaviour has to be repeated constantly for it to work, so it actually doesn’t work. [Read more...]

Why Women Have Affairs?

Why do women in relationships have affairs? What is it that drives them into the arms of another?

Of course whatever I write here will be a generalisation to some degree as every situation is different, but I have a very unique perspective because I see so many couples with relationship problems.

Most people find it very easy to judge the person who has had the affair as a terrible person, whilst I don’t honour their decision as it is so destructive, I do understand how and why it happens.

If a couple have experienced this type of betrayal in their relationship, not understanding why is the first hurdle. Sometimes even the perpetrator doesn’t know why they did it and this makes the relationship worse. [Read more...]

Chronic fatigue (ME) & My Marriage Problems

Stuart was totally lost, he suffered with multiple problems, from a very traumatic past that was totally out of his control. The result meant that not only was he emotionally disconnected with his true self, but as a result his marriage was in serious crisis, and he risked losing being a father to his two year old daughter.

He was very angry with life and knew he needed help, FAST…

Stuart writes…

I initially came to Stephen as my Marriage had broken down, but this was only the tip of the iceberg, I had been suffering with Chronic fatigue (ME) for around 4 years, my Thyroid had stopped working fully many years before that and my interactions with other people at best, looking back, seemed hostile. [Read more...]

Dominant Mothers Connection to Relationship Problems

The more people I see with relatioship problems the more convinced I am that we are on the road to big trouble in our society. Many cases that come to me have a consistent theme.

The parents of those sitting in front of me have had a mother who is dominant in their life. Just to make my position crystal clear I am not blaming the mother for the problems, becuase they are reacting to their personal life conditions the only way they know how.

What I am saying is when the mother becomes dominant over the father, the children’s map of how relationships should be become confused with natures intention, and so with no other information they consider this pattern of relationship behaviour to be normal.

Yet when they put this version of normality into action in their own relationships, they discover it doesn’t feel right because their true self wants to be in the gender nature designed for them. [Read more...]

What Is Your Life Purpose?

What were you designed to be and do? If life is not the way it should be how are you going to feel. How is your relationship going to suffer if you don’t feel right.

If something does not feel right, then you can be sure that something is not right. As we go through our lives from childhood what happens is we create a purpose for our lives during that time. So our purpose at different moments in time could be to

  • Have fun
  • Protect yourself
  • Set yourself free
  • Find adventure
  • Discover you
  • Control everything
  • The list is endless…

Everyone creates these life purposes without conscious awareness and it’s the life conditions that will create the need to change or shift our purpose.

Depending on how your life conditions change your purpose will shift to adapt, but you can find that you are not meeting your core values. If this happens, whilst you might be meeting your needs your values are being ignored and this creates a very unhappy and distorted version of you.

So we can look back and say that times in our life were not good for us. This is a reflection of needs being met, but values being ignored.

Is this where you are today? If you are unhappy with you or your life you can bet that your relationship is suffering.

  • To live a happy life that is always a win-win situation for you, you must understand how you work. So when life conditions change you no longer live in reaction limiting your true self and creating internal conflict… …that can lead to stress, depression, anger, anxiety!

If you would like help with this contact me today!

Which Truth Will Bite You Hardest?

I’m sure that when the word truth is spoken we can all agree that truth and honesty is something we all value and respect highly.

BUT are we really being truthful to ourselves about ourselves?

Many people come to coaching with a set of beliefs that they think are true, only to discover that their truth is actually a mask, and their real truth is very different and hiding behind their deepest fears.

In fact they believe their made-up truth so much they will live in a mask for many years. Deep down they know something is wrong, but to focus on the reality is far too painful and so they put it off… until something snaps and just living each day becomes painful.

So they avoid the focus on their real feelings and to be happy they distort and delete parts of their lives in a quest to rebalance some level of normality.

Fears can only limit you

The problem is, from this state of fear people are only able to limit their true self. So the quest to rebalance their lives is an illusion they give themselves, that ends up being a fact in their own minds.

The illusion is not their truth and so individuals become unhappy and depressed and don’t know why. Their values are screaming a message, unhappiness and depression is the message that you have to change or this will get worse.

Listen to the messages because they are there for a reason. If your body gets hurt and you feel pain you stop what you are doing and you go to fix it.

Being unhappy emotionally is no different, but because there is no physical damage we assume we cannot fix these emotional problems and this puts us into a state of learnt helplessness.

  • I have worked with so many people who experience this very problem.

In fact you can feel so unsettled by a conflict of values that it will wake you at 3am to tell you something is wrong. Many of my clients experience this exact message from their own minds, and it’s a well known problem for those who are depressed on some level.

Are you hiding from your truth?

There will be a good reason why you would hide, but at some point you will have to deal with this. So create courage and face your  truth today to free yourself to live the life you were designed to live.

Why Are People In Relationships Totally Lost?

If you were in Madrid, but you thought you were in London how long would it take you to get to New York?

  • The answer is a very long time, even with a map, in fact the map would just add more confusion.

A relationship is also a journey

Relationships have the same problem because people in relationships do not know how to communicate where they are emotionally, because their emotional states can change so frequently. People can also get stuck in emotional states due to prolonged and challenging life conditions.

BUT to make things worse people in relationship also don’t make relationship goals or plans and so now we have two people in different places emotionally with no direction.

  • If you think about a relationship in this way, the possibility for chaos is really high. So the individuals feel frustration, more fears, anger, resentment, because they are not getting to a place they have not defined to themselves let alone their partner, but in this place they will make their relationship wrong!

Get clear on where you really are

This is why my first job with any couple or individual is to understand where they are today and where they really want to be and why.

Once we have a clear focus on todays reality plus a clear direction and how to know when the individual or couple have arrived at their destination, then a clear plan can be put in place to help them.

Lost couples examples

  • If a couple were dating and they did not understand how they both work and how to communicate their needs and where they want their life to go and the sort of person they want to be. The chances of them becoming unhappy when it does not happen are high.
  • If a couple has an amazing relationship today they won’t go in search of how to keep it that way until it’s too late. The are blind to the journey they are on and getting lost is highly probable and so knowing where you both are every day combined with where you want to go is critical.
  • A couple in crisis not knowing where they are will assume they are in their true selves and so will communicate this to their partner who also believes the fearful version is their true self. Of course this map of truth is only true in that moment and is not reflective of the non-fear version of that individual. If all the different versions is only defined as one person then a very distorted perception can be created of their partner.

Again more lost people.

Admitting you are lost is never a great place to be and so we never like to face that truth, but when you become honest that you are lost, this create the question “where am I really, where do I want to be and how do I get there?”

From here different questions get asked and an openness to explore other perspectives and possibilities in yourself and your relationships free people from their own prison of fear and hopelessness.

  • Fearful versions of you can only limit you and so growth becomes impossible.

From a place of honesty you can take control of you, your life and your relationship and being lost is now only temporary as confusion in situations build maps of more understanding to guide you through the journey of life.

What Do Women Really Want?

Confused men sit shaking their heads with a question they never seem to get the answer to “What do women really want?”.

For example: He can do the same thing two days running and get totally different reactions from her? A mans logic will never understand this, so lets look inside her mind to understand what’s happening.

Socks on the floor again -  Clearly he doesn’t care about me!

Women are brilliant at turning things or situations into meanings. Women are constantly looking for the meanings behind what their men are doing, or not doing, and there is a lot of things he might not be doing.

She wants to keep checking that everything is OK, that she’s safe, and secure as she paints an picture of a future he’d better not spoil.

Men rarely feel unsafe, but women can feel unsafe many times a day.  When she feels unsafe she has to get tough and strong, but don’t be fooled, this is her mask, inside every woman is the real her screaming to get out.

But unless she meets a man who can help her feel safe, she will stay tough to survive.

Where she really wants to be

In a woman’s heart is the core of who she is, all that’s great about her sits in here. This is where she feels safe and where she can trust her decisions. When she connects with her heart, her true self, she becomes who she wants to be, free, relaxed, peaceful, secure and totally happy free from fear.

If her man can help her unlock the pathway to her heart and help her connect with that part of herself everyday then he will become the man she has dreamed of.

BUT…

The challenge is this, women live most of their lives in their head. It’s very busy and very noisy. Lots to do and worry about. There may even be a few voices shouting abuse in there “… you’re not good enough” or  “…you’re too fat for those jeans”. Combine this with chemical reactions each month that men have no clue about and yes …men have a challenge!

Also you have to combat the other women who she connects with. They feed her with more worry because a group of women will connect through their problems and fears and this raises her awareness of her problems as she connects with others who are also lost.

She will love the connection with her friends as now she’s not alone and feels important to them, but her problems are now bigger because 4 different opinions have confused her.

Her only stop left is her man relaxing after a hard day unaware of the potential storm heading his way.

What will happen and how can he help her connect with her true self?

Find out tomorrow…