Love is not a certainty

So many people become unstuck in their relationships because they are trying to make love a certainty.

Love isn’t something you can force or manipulate. It’s not something you can buy. Love is a force that’s created through understanding how to truly become vulnerable and valuable to another person.

People who’s relationship with themselves is poor can seek out relationships with others to heal their own problems with disastrous consequences.

If anyone tries to control love, they will help it naturally die.

This is why people who habitually protect themselves from their partners through misunderstandings naturally kill a love that really should have flourished.

So many people are fearful they are not enough or they won’t be love and so they create patterns to protect them. Some are very aware of their patterns and some are totally blind to how destructive they are to themselves and the marriage they desperately want to keep.

People who have experienced a traumatic connection with their parents will struggle. If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust? [Read more...]

Keeping their passion for each other alive

I was working with a couple, and the topic of motorbikes came up. This lady quickly commented that she wouldn’t let him have one! He sat sad and motionless looking down, saying nothing.

I smiled at her and said, “Is he five and are you his mum?”

One of the most important energies a relationship must create is the ability for both people to be free to be who they are so they can live the life they want to live.

The moment a persons’ energy is restricted in any way that person will start to lose connection with themselves and attach those bad feelings to their partner. [Read more...]

Can she really trust her feelings?

If someone is going to rely on their feelings to guide their life, wouldn’t it be important to understand how their feelings are actually created?

How can you trust a feeling if you don’t know what you did to create it?

Or more relevant for some, how can a person break up a family or leave a partner they once loved if they don’t know how they created the feeling they are relying on today?

Many people are too focused on blaming others for their feelings but doing this puts them out of control of themselves and their life.

Below are past clients who’s thinking was not safe for them.

When her husband tells her, he’s having an affair and wants to keep the affair partner but not leave her what does she have to think and feel to stay with him for two years of him disappearing each weekend with his lover? [Read more...]

Couples in crisis are fixing the wrong problems!

Virtually every couple I meet has been trying to fix the wrong problem in their marriage and without knowing are damaging their connection and trust in each other with every failed attempt.

If you try to fix the wrong problem, you’ll keep failing, and if you fail for long enough, one person will either look for an out or other ways to meet their critical needs.

When helping a couple out of a crisis, the most fundamental starting point is to help each person understand the real problems they are facing.

Most couples in crisis are unaware of what is driving their disconnection, and so when they try to connect, they will find their distance becomes significantly greater.

For most couples, their disconnect has been happening for years, but when emotional pain turns to suffering that person can start to either complain or they can suffer in silence emotionally detaching from their partner.

It’s critical the couple must be on the same page with why they are struggling, or both people will be trying to fix what they think is their problem. [Read more...]

Getting out of a marital crisis?

I now see roughly 20 couples per week, everyone in crisis and nearing divorce. Every one of these couples has broken their marriage in very unique ways. Some are wanting to fix the marriage, some are lost not knowing what they want but don’t want to make a life-changing mistake.

Every couple needed a unique solution to help them discover what they are capable of.

This weeks catch up with a few couples who came for help: 

Couple one: In her first session she said she was at the end of the road after years of disconnection and he was in a terrible state. Divorce was on the cards, and they were both giving up.  [Read more...]

“Just tell me what to do – I’m in a broken marriage?”

A person in a marital crisis is going to be looking for answers to stop their pain and get out of their suffering. Do I stay do I go? Do I fight for my marriage, or do I start again and what about the children?

I deal with some of the most severe cases of marital crisis right on the edge of divorce.

What these people are looking for is certainly – they want to know what to do?

I set my practice up NOT to blindly fix couples problems but to give the couple the knowledge and the tools to understand the crisis they are in and gain the skills to understand what it takes to rebuild trust and repair the damage for good.

This empowers two intelligent people to make the right decision with the rest of their lives. For most, it’s to stay together and for some parting is the right decision.  [Read more...]

Changing destructive patterns of behaviour

When helping a couple out of a crisis one focus that’s critical is learning if either person has a destructive pattern that’s likely to stop them from becoming a valuable partner.

It’s very common for most people to have some kind of unhelpful pattern(s) that won’t support the success of their marriage.

Sometimes the pattern is due to a lack of relationship building knowledge or poor role models. Sometimes it’s due to some kind of emotionally distressing historic event that created a pattern designed to protect the person but never does and so they suffer.

The combination of both challenges can lead couples to very challenging symptoms that disconnect the couple and put trust in question. [Read more...]

The easiest way to save your marriage and reignite passion

When couples come to me for help I must take them through some very specific and enlightening stages. These stages are designed to make it easy for both people to see the reality of why they are in trouble and help them reinvest in their marriage so it’s a win-win for both people.

I start their process by engaging in some short-term marriage crisis management where I split their behaviours into two camps.

  1. The things they must stop doing because they are making the marriage worse.
  2. The things they must start doing that will be the first bricks in their foundation to support their ability to learn what they must do to get to the right decisions.

The fundamental challenge all couples have is rooted in some kind of trust challenge.

That could be affairs of course but trust in our partners’ ability to keep us safe have our backs, want the best for us, allow us to grow, be who we want to be and trust our partner to really hear us – these are a few typical examples of trust breaks. [Read more...]

She 100% wanted a divorce UNTIL she learnt this…

So when a person has spent years suffering in a marriage it stands to reason that leaving that marriage is the correct decision.

Well… the answer to this is not always.

There are certain situations where someone can make a decision to leave their marriage and discover later they have made a terrible mistake and will have to live with that regret forever.

For those that have children, they can then suffer from terrible guilt.

My regular readers know I’m not a fan of blindly fixing all relationships because some people really shouldn’t be together…

…BUT I am a huge fan of helping people discover their truth.

So the story you are about to read can relate to many of my past clients, to help you to see what I saw I’m going to share one particular story.

A lady married with small children had decided her marriage was over and told me so in the first session whilst her husband sat helplessly looking at the floor. [Read more...]

Rebuilding trust in a relationship

We can lose trust in our partners in many different ways. You can lose your trust in someone or they can lose their trust in you. Trust can be lost through obvious routes such as affairs and circular conflict, or through lack of understanding, loss of respect and lack of care to name a few.

Losing trust can be devastating for any couple as TRUST is one of the core foundations needed to keep the couple’s connection alive.

So what’s the cost of not rebuilding the trust?

So many people end up naturally protecting themselves from their partner because they lose trust without really understanding the hidden dangers of this practice.

My clients have learnt that protecting themselves through stacking resentments will be leading the marriage to a dangerous position where feelings that keep the relationship alive can start to die. [Read more...]

“My marriage is over!”

I was sat with a lady a few months ago she was telling me that her marriage had run its course. She said it’s sad but these things happen.

When I asked her how she knew this was true she told me her feelings had changed and she was no longer attracted to her husband.

So I asked her “what created your feelings?”

She looked blankly at me.

It’s an important question. If someone is going to break up a 12-year marriage and upset children with a life-changing decision for everyone isn’t it important to understand?

Exactly how were her feelings created? [Read more...]

“DO NOT bury your head in the sand with this one…”

Many couples come to see me with a message that they have been signed up to my blog for years and now their marriage has hit a real crisis point and they are hoping I can fit them into my schedule FAST!

So what I’m seeing is people are very aware they are having difficulties years before, but they choose to put themselves through years of unnecessary stress waiting for there to be no other choice than seek help or get a divorce.

Sadly their belief initially is they thought/hoped their problems would magically get better on their own.

PLEASE NOTE: Relationship problems rarely fix themselves.

Waiting for problems to just go away is a very dangerous strategy as the best time to deal with a relationship problem is NOW! Not in one or two years time. [Read more...]

“My husband has no empathy” – Has she got this right?

Many women come into my sessions with this message “My husband has no empathy”. What she has experienced is there seems to be from her perspective little emotion from him and little understanding of what she is saying or going through. 

For her, he has little desire to share his feelings with her or to make any changes that help her connect with him. This will naturally affect her trust in him and her desire to trust he will be there for her.

Historically she is likely to have tried to get through to him. This leaves her with the impression she has to emotionally look after herself and she can start to struggle to see the point of him… [Read more...]

7 Popular Posts on StephenHedger.com

At least once per year I like to highlight popular posts for new readers and remind long-term readers of important messages that are easy to forget. 

There is no question that relationships are complicated, this is why I have committed to help people across the globe with my perspective on relationships through this free blog.

My unique perspective comes from spending most of my week with couples in crisis on the brink of divorce. [Read more...]

Please Save Our Marriage! – Testimonial

Please Save Our Marriage! This was the first email I recieved from Darren and Sue, they were at breaking point.

When they first entered my clinic you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. This was a couple with young children on the edge, breaking up seemed like the only option open to them…

Sue recounts what happened next…

When Darren and I first came to see Stephen, Darren and I were very disconnected in our relationship. We were in the midst of a power struggle and were successfully bringing out the worst in each other in our relationship. I had pretty much lost hope [Read more...]

Marriage in crisis due to an affair? Learn the steps to rebuilding the trust whilst creating a brand new dynamic that future proofs the relationship.

When an affair is discovered it has the ability to create the most volcanic reactions. Infidelity has the power to shock the relationship into never being the same again ever. So if you want to save your relationship then understanding your partners’ experience is going to be critical to helping them feel safe to trust again.

The person who discovers their partner has had an affair is shocked into their own personal battle.

It’s like they become two versions of themselves. One part of them still loves their partner, and the other part is aggressively protecting themselves from their partner.

So they become confused and disoriented. No matter what they do it doesn’t feel right, they want the pain to go, but everything is a trigger that leads to their partners’ affair. [Read more...]

#693: Couples in crisis naturally question compatibility

It’s natural to question if you married the right person when you have been suffering in your relationship. Some people suffer due to instant breaches of trust such as affairs. Some people suffer for years through stacking resentments towards their partner.

If you have ever questioned your compatibility and are concerned about the future, what you are about to read could be worth considering.

Incompatibility can come in many forms, so I will outline a few that cause couples a challenge.

  • Different life goals: – Mission/life purpose – Geography – Parenting styles
  • Sexually misaligned: [Read more...]

Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage

With the right approach it is possible to rebuild trust in a marriage so that your marriage is far stronger than it every was before, no matter what’s happened.

I have seen many couples go through devastating affairs and then learn how to breakthrough their fears and then work together to protect and feed the relationship what it really needs to survive.

At the end of this post you will learn how I helped one lady connect to a strength within her to deal with a devastating situation.

Trust can be broken for many reasons, the obvious ones are affairs, lying, or some kind of erratic behaviour. What many don’t see is that trust can be broken if our needs are not met. Trust can be broken if the dynamic that builds attraction is damaged. [Read more...]

“Why are we in crisis?”

No matter what you feel is the reason for your crisis, getting to the root cause is critical to help you move forward.

So many couples come in to my programs feeling they know what their real problem is only to discover a far deeper and much more powerful force is at play either within the individual(s), or within the dynamic, or sometimes both.

I have written historically about the idea that couples with marital problems always bring to me ‘symptoms’.

These are things like: Loss of love, Parenting Misalignment, Stress, Depression, Affairs, Money problems, Circular conflict, Controlling behaviours, Power struggles, Loss of passion/sexual attraction.

These are just a few of the many challenges couples are focused on and are trying to fix. [Read more...]

Unhappy marriage? Couples are shocked to learn their problems are not quite what they thought?

There are three relationships in any marriage, that’s right three!… and if you don’t get these right then please expect problems.

When relationships go wrong many people assume they feel bad because of their partners behaviours, or lack of them. This can of course have an significant effect in terms of their feelings. It’s critical to know what really created those feelings because a person wanting to leave a marriage is going to use their feelings as their guide to a better life.

If you want the real truth in your marriage then you’ll have to look at all three powerful influencers.

What about the other two relationships that will and do form a powerful part of the mix?

The other two relationships are the ones the two people in the marriage have with themselves. This is usually overlooked, but it forms a significant part of the journey I take couples through.

I have seen so many couples get their relationship back on track because they have discovered how to have a significantly better relationship with themselves. [Read more...]