“How can I trust you if you don’t even try to understand me?”

If a person wants to communicate with someone the only way to do that effectively is to understand them. To be an effective communicator you have to be a good listener you have to understand their world from their perspective. If you don’t do this you are putting your frame of reference on their words, this process changes the meaning of their words and this disconnects trust between them and you.

Many couples fight about what was said or not said, in the moment they are translating each others words through a filter of fear (BTW anger is a fear response) and so this changes what they thought the other person said, or the meaning behind their partners words.

The more couples go round in circles not understanding each other the faster they shut down into a transactional relationship as an emotional connection is not safe for either person. [Read more...]

Are you trying to change your husband?

In this case I don’t mean for a different one, what I mean is do you find yourself trying to control him (to be your version of better man) because he doesn’t do what you think he should do?

If you do try to help him to be your version of better man. If this is your goal have you noticed that he is naturally turning into the man you wanted, or are you finding the he is becoming more detached and uncaring?

Has not trusting him to get the promotion, drive the way you do, look after the kids the way you do, has any of those types of behaviours turned him into the man you can look up to?

OR…

Has he become just one of the children for you just another person to look after? Do you find he no longer attractive to you and do you wish he would just man up? [Read more...]

Did you know that ONE person with the right information can actually save their relationship?

Here’s how: Most people think that to save a relationship it has to take two people to work at it and it’s impossible to be successful alone. This is not true because if one person changes their own behaviour in a very specific way their partner will automatically react to that change without realising.

You see we are all conditioned to live in reaction to the world we live in so making changes will create automatic change.

An example: When a person reacts with anger to a situation they don’t like in their relationship this will create an automatic reaction in their partner, usually something like retaliation, defence or escape type behaviours. The result in this situation is no growth, loss of trust and bad attachment to their partner. So not good at all, especially if becomes a habit.  [Read more...]

Do you want her to really feel your love?

To all men, if you really want her to connect with you it’s so important to understand this little know fact. For a woman the connection through her eyes creates a powerful emotional energy that allows her to connect deeply with him. 

When he can look into her eyes and be there for her through all her emotions, only then can he really connect with her in the way she wants. His eye contact can trigger within her a true vulnerability that can allow her to be fully open to him emotionally and sexually.

You see through his eye contact she can see the truth in him for her, she can feel safe, secure and loved, but there is another side to this as you will discover… [Read more...]

What if you knew your relationship problems were not your real problems?

So lets look at Jim he has had two serious relationships and both those women cheated on him and now Jim is focused on whether he can ever trust a woman again.

I think most of us would sympathise with Jims situation, but what is the real problem? Trust does seem a logical place to start and overcome.

Jim tries to have another relationship, but after the initial euphoria his mind has automatically gone to protecting him and focuses him on his past problems and lack of success with women.

This focus causes problems for Jim and his new partner, he is naturally focused on protecting himself and she starts to feel untrusted, not good for her.

Neither Jim or his new partner feel good and the relationship starts to suffer. Both Jim and his new partner are focused on his trust problem and trying to solve it.

It won’t be long before real problems start, because Jim doesn’t actually have trust issues.

[Read more...]

Should we divorce or should we stay together?

Perfectly reasonable question for couples who are struggling to see eye-to-eye especially if the challenge has gone on for long enough, or a sudden breach of trust has put the relationship into question.

As much as I would love to help the world just learn to love each other, some people are just not right for each other and it’s a painful fact of life.

The challenge they face is how do we know we are making the right decision? This is such an important question as so many couples break up for the wrong reasons, they end up looking for another partner totally opposite to their ex and discover that doesn’t work either this why the second marriage divorce rate is much higher than first marriage divorces. Many people also come into sessions wanting to get back a partner they have just left.

You see the mind can change our feelings and what seems right one day and can actually change the moment reality strikes and they are alone again.  [Read more...]

Interrupting and changing patterns that cause relationship breakdown

In the last post we looked at what really causes relationships to fail and it’s not what most people think. In todays post we will look at the patterns we create that are not designed for creating a life long intimate connection.

If I’m going to help someone to achieve the life and relationship they desire understanding the patterns within them that will sabotage that goal is critical.

The patterns of behaviour that lead people to disaster are automatic within them in other words they are not conscious decisions.

These patterns are designed to protect the person from harm, however the application of the pattern is very sloppy and so the wrong automatic response can be triggered without the person knowing. [Read more...]

Why Doesn’t My Partner Understand Me?

For most couples even the ones with amazing relationships there are times when they misunderstand each other.

For couples in trouble, a lack of understanding can feel like a permanent state as the couple start to feel that life together is hopeless and so they can spend months, even years suffering as they start to believe either my partner doesn’t care, or maybe we are incompatible?

It’s important to understand that not understanding each other is very normal. This is because the  way men and women process their relationship is very different. [Read more...]

Do you know what feelings your partner is attaching to you?

As our relationships progress our partners are attaching feelings to us. This happens automatically without conscious thought.

So if you cast your mind back over the past week? The past month and the last few years what do you think your partner has attached to you and is it what you want them to attach to you?

Some couples experience heightened attachments, such as when a trust is broken. This can create an attachment that stays with that person forever. [Read more...]

Men please listen to her with your eyes and connect with what you see

Todays post is to help men become successful with their partners. The fastest way to build the deepest trust is at the point of conflict. Men if you can do this she will see you as her man, her hero, this is what she wants.

If you as a couple can build trust and love out of your conflict you will unleash in her a passionate lover for life for you.

When she is upset she will communicate many things, some hurtful, some true, some not true from your perspective.

I know men you are listening to her words and becoming hurt by all the nasty things she is saying to you. [Read more...]

Rebuild trust in marriage: Can A marriage Survive without it?

I’m just going to jump into this post fast today. Without trust the marriage is dead so it’s critical to rebuild trust in a marriage fast. Trust is a foundation of any relationship.

The reason trust is so important is because without trust the couple will lose their security with each other. If the security has gone the couple will struggle to connect emotionally.

Loss of emotional connection creates intimacy challenges. [Read more...]

Marriage Guidance Advice

Marriage guidance advice is about discovering what you don’t know about your marriage that could cause you significant problems either now, or in the future.

For example:

  • If you can’t communicate do you really know why?
  • If the intimacy in your marriage has died, can it ever come back? [Read more...]

The art of understanding the woman you say you love

If you want to master this skill, the starting point is to remove your judgement of her words and actions, trust me here, because the cost to you is huge.

The reason I ask this is because if your judge her by your own emotional filters, the meanings you will put to her words and behaviors will not reflect her intent, they would reflect your intent if you were to behave that way.

To clarify you can’t translate her behaviors and give those behaviors a meaning and then make her responsible for your meaning. [Read more...]

Why Do Couples Find Communication So Hard?

The reason couples are struggling with communication is because they are mind-reading the intent behind each others words, this practice is potentially destructive because it erodes trust a foundation that’s needed to keep couples together.

The first step is to ask your partner a simple question. When you are speaking with them find out what meanings they are putting to your words, you might be surprised at what you discover.

In sessions I can ask a couple to communicate to each other and then ask them to write down the meanings to each others words. [Read more...]

How And Why It Works?

With a consistently high success rate for the couples I work with, why is what I do so successful for couples in, or heading for crisis?

In short I help them discover how to become a team together. Below is the three key steps steps that move my clients very quickly from destruction to love. Before I take you through those steps, I will share the end of just one of the many letters I get from my clients…

A recent client wrote to me who had multiple challenges marital and personal. They had sought help from a few professionals, but nothing had changed.

This is the end of her email to me after we worked together for just 7 weeks. [Read more...]

7 Reasons You Know You’re In The Wrong Relationship

Being in the wrong relationship is an upsetting time, but how do you know? What do you need to look out for? Love is not always enough to keep a couple together if the following situations arise.

1. If your partners intent is to try to hurt you physically or emotionally

2. If your vision or goals for the future are totally different

3. If you believe their fears for losing you is helping them try to control what you think and do

4. Your partner is only interested in taking from you no matter how much you give

5. If you dislike who you become in their company [Read more...]

Many couples in crisis believe there is little hope for their relationship, but feel stuck because splitting up feels wrong too!

Without doubt this is one of the most horrible places to be in a relationship. You have memories of a past that worked, BUT you can’t get back to it. Life in this place can feel totally hopeless and you can end up feeling detached and emotionally numb which just add to the fear.

You feel you know what you should do, but something is holding you back.

You may have talked to your friends even your family. You may be feeling more confused as they all care about you, yet they are giving you conflicting advice. [Read more...]

The Wall Of Protection

Be aware that if you build a wall of protection around you in your relationship three things will happen:

  • You will numb yourself from feeling pain.
  • You will block any positive advances from your partner.
  • You will block and shut down your ability to feel towards your partner.

The wall serves the purpose of creating the CERTAINTY the person needs, BUT it will disconnect the person from their partner.

This disconnection helps the person to feel that their relationship is dead, this is not always true. The feelings can be dormant rather than dead.

So couples can end their relationship though a lack of understanding.

One of the questions you can ask is this: Is my partner trying to hurt me?

You will probably discover that even though your partner does hurt you that is not their intent. What hurts can be their sheer frustration at not being able to get through.

Knowing your partner is NOT trying to hurt you is one of the green lights to exploring the potential in the relationship.

We Build Walls Of Protection Around Us When Marital Problems Strike But Does It Work?

Building a protective wall around us when emotional challenges strike in a marriage is a fairly normal process. The goal is usually to create security for that individual because life is not the way it should be.

He doesn’t care, she’s always negative, he never listens, she is aggressive and cold…

The question is, does this emotional wall work to create the security the person is after?

In the short-term the person can feel relief because when they shut down they can numb the pain they are experiencing.

The challenge the wall creates is it builds a 2 way block, the person will block out the pain, but they will also block out what they really need to be happy. This creates real problems for any marriage because it heads them to loss of respect and the end of the marriage.

For example:

[I have used a female in this example, but males will do their version of this too.]

If a female has tried and tried to get through to her husband and failed, she will stack her resentments towards him and eventually feel that she has no choice, but to create her own strength because he is not there for her in the way she needs.

It’s like she puts on a suit of armor so he can no longer hurt her. [Read more...]

Marriage Tip Four: The Power Of The Vicious Circle

You know the situation, your partner has assumed you have done something to hurt them. You try to explain that they are wrong and they have misunderstood you, but they won’t listen. Frustrated you end up losing your temper and now the problem is escalating out of control.

What started off as a simple disagreement is now a power struggle where hurt, resentment, disbelief and a loss of love starts to grow.

Both people end up feeling misunderstood and unloved. [Read more...]