Can YOU be YOU in Your Relationship?

Are you being you in your relationship, or do you have to make the effort to act differently? Maybe you are treading on eggshells, or maybe you feel controlled by your partners’ usual reaction which for you is destructive.

Many people change their behaviours to protect themselves and their relationship from harm. Whilst the intent is good the reality is the honesty has gone and this puts the couple in conflict with themselves and this creates internal fears which can lead to low emotional states, stress and depression.

For example: A wife may hold inside what she is really feeling, because she knows if she connects with what’s wrong for her and becomes too emotional, he will run-away, or get so angry that she sees no point, so she holds it in. Of course this results in building resentment in her which can ruin the relationship.

or [Read more...]

We all Need to Be Loved…

Not understanding this post can destroy perfectly good relationships and break up families, so it is important to understand. Also if you are dating, or looking for love this is critical, because this process, unchecked can help you attract people who like the fearful version of you and that’s a recipe for disaster.

  • So please read this a few times and share it with those you care for, you could just save their lives from pain too…

No matter how tough a person is, on some level being loved is important to all of us. Creating meaningful connections with others is a part of our make-up as humans. It’s a part of our Critical Needs list.

When working with couples, finding out their views and perspectives on Love in a relationship is an important part of helping them understand why and how any relationship can stop working when the Love stops.

Love is something people want, they want it so much they fear not getting it. So the process of giving it and not getting it back is a painful one for many. Those that really fear not getting it, even block the possibility of it, so stop looking for relationships.

Pain is something we don’t want, so most decide to not give love unless they feel safe to do so.

This means the person is on a rollercoaster of giving and withholding love in constant reaction to what their partner does, ironically their partner will be doing the same.

So at this point we know the individuals need love, but usually they won’t give it unless they get love first. People usual withhold because they don’t feel certain they will be loved back, or they don’t feel important to their partner on some level.

For them these are logical perspectives, some will withhold love to punish. In fact anyone’s not giving love because of what they are NOT getting is punishing their partner on some level.

What’s interesting is when questioned, no one has felt more love when their partner punishes them! Yet they carry on regardless.

My next question is how important is love to the couple. Individually they both usually agree that love is really important to them.

I then ask “ …is love important some of the time, or all of the time?” Most answer, all the time (the ones that answer some of the time are usually in significant fear and will be helped because values can’t work “some of the time” because they cause the person pain.)

So if love is important, and it’s important all the time and we know that the person will turn off their love if they don’t feel safe to give it. We now know what the person says and what the person does will be different, this creates an internal conflict that ignites fears.

This inability to trust ourselves further magnifies our fears, because if trust doesn’t feel present in the relationship combined with a lack of love the relationship dies, no matter where that lack of trust, or love is coming from.

You see if you withhold your love to keep you safe the relationship dies. So you are not safe if you stop givng love!

The laws of fears come in to action if you focus on a fear, the fear becomes ignited. So if you fear not being loved then the process of withholding your love changes your behaviours.

If you change how you behave, you present a different version of you to the relationship in other words you change into a fearful you. This fearful version of you is likely to cause problems and destroy the very thing you want to keep.

Of course when I say destroy the relationship this takes many forms, some break-up, some stay together, but in a passionless existence.

If the couple are doing the same i.e. withholding love, when they are not getting it, the relationship dies, bit-by-bit over time.

So you see you are far safer giving love than not…

What’s also interesting to learn here is that the way we feel Love is through the process of giving. When our partner creates words and behaviours and we translate those behaviours in to acts of love, we in return give them love.

It is at the point we give them love is when our love is felt. So the love is actually created by us, our partners don’t have magical powers to give us feelings, we create all our own feelings. So if the love is created by us and we want to feel love, GIVE LOVE today and every day. GIVE LOVE to those you love and watch how you feel as you do.

At this point many comment, how can I give love when my partner is being so horrible.

Firstly never change you and go to fear in reaction to others this harms you. If love is important to you, stay true to you and give love no matter what. It is far better that you remain loving even if you partner is not.

Then make sure you understand why they have reacting this way. It could be due to their fears that the relationship is dying, they could be trying to save the relationship too.

Take off the assumption that they are trying to hurt you, their pain could be a cry for help where if love was present they would feel safe again.

In summary withholding love doesn’t create love, it creates fear. Fear destroys relationships, futures and families.

If you would like to know more please get in touch, or maybe you have a comment to make if so please do below.

Remember please share this post with all those you care about.

One more point that is important, I have talked about internal conflict this is critical to avoid because long term exposure can cause, stress, depression, anxiety and many other physical problems.

Worried About Your Relationship?

Do you have a relationship you want to keep? Are you stuck not sure what to do? Do you feel that no matter what you do it seems to keep failing?

If this is you then understanding the steps to getting the relationship back on track are critical.

If any relationship has suffered problems the challenge the couple now face is A LACK OF TRUST! Trust that the relationship will not be the way they need it to be, for them to be happy.

Rebuilding the trust is the first step in my sessions with couples.

To be successful your thoughts have to go to the points of conflict where the couple have failed with each other and ignited fears for the future.

  • The question is this… At the point of conflict what does my partner really need?

Usually in conflict situations and even the ones she has started, what the female needs is to be loved and understood, what the male needs is the ability to fix her problem. If he doesn’t know how to deal with the conflict he might become really angry, through frustration, or he might shut-down or escape in some way hoping the problem will just go away.

None of this works and just adds more fuel to the fire.

All of these behaviours are the reverse of what’s needed and bit-by-bit the relationship dies. She can feel that he has no desire to understand her, and he can feel she can never be pleased.

None of this is true of course, but without relationship training the couple react the only way they know how. Fight and protect themselves.

Understanding this process is one of the keys to my success with couples.

If the male can meet his needs in the process of meeting the females’ specific needs at the point of conflict then he can feel successful again in the relationship and she will feel loved and heard.

Both people following this process will start to feel connected again with themselves and each other.

Once the trust has been rebuilt, only then can the couple can work on meeting each others needs.

  • If you wish to know more about how to do this please make contact today click here

How Can I Trust Again?

My post today was inspired by a comment from Meredith on my post Trust Building in Relationships.

She talks about her struggle with trust issues when building a new life and entering new relationships after a spouse’s infidelity and divorce.

Trust in new relationships can become a real issue, especially if you’ve had a bad experience historically, such as infidelity.

In this situation fears can become triggered automatically and give you feelings of wanting to move you away from the possibility of more emotional danger, so building a new relationship can be full of problems driven by fears.

So you are now stuck, knowing you would love to be in a loving relationship, but too fearful to expose yourself again, because you fear what might happen that’s out of your control.

To cure this problem a different perspective and focus is needed.

When individuals come to me with this kind of problem, I help them focus on what they can control.

The question is can you TRUST you?

Can you trust you to find and create a relationship that will meet your core needs? Proof so far is you have got it very wrong without knowing, so you might repeat this again… this focus will drive more fears…

So the goal is to put you back in control…

You see unless you know how to create a strong, lasting passionate relationship that grows through their problems you will always be concerned and lacking in confidence that you might not be able to trust you to…

  1. Know who is right for you?
  2. How to plan and build a relationship?
  3. How to understand your own needs and communicate them?
  4. How to understand your partners’ needs?
  5. How to communicate to him in a way he/she understands?
  6. How to grow security and more love through conflict?
  7. How to keep the passion alive and let go of your fears?

Without confidence in your relationship building skills you could feel exposed to more bouts of trial and error that equal real danger.

  1. You see attraction is easy!
  2. Falling in love is easy!
  3. Having a great relationship whilst it’s going well is easy!

But, building a successful relationship through the ups and downs of life, and that stays passionate, now that’s a skill worth mastering….

So the question is not about trusting them, it’s about you trusting you to create the understanding that will help you avoid the pitfalls, that causes problems, that destroys relationships and leads to destructive actions such as infidelity.

That’s the new goal..!

Building Trust: Trust Issues in Relationships & Rebuilding A Broken Marriage

If you are having any kind of relationship problem this post is about how to build trust in a relationship so it can start to be the way you need it to be.

When the word “trust” is mentioned the usual association is directed towards infidelity. Whilst this is true, the word and how it affects our relationships actually has a much broader meaning.

You might not feel you can trust your partner with others, or you may not be able to trust your partner to create the relationship you wanted and expected.

So in any relationship conflict, I know on some level the couple have stopped trusting each other and this is the first step to rebuilding their relationship.

Why trust problems appear in relationships

When any couple are having problems, both are likely to be in fear states which will result in them both going to self-protection which is a very “ME” focused state and focused what they are not getting from their relationship.

Whenever a relationship enters this phase the love they give each other becomes conditional and so their needs are only met as part of a trade. “If you do this for me, I’ll do this for you!”

This trading process is slowly destructive because it builds up resentment and the couple stop wanting to meet each other needs.

This results in the individuals going outside the relationship to feel good again, places such as work, friends, family, children, hobbies and sometimes other sexual partners.

Building Trust: Learning how to trust again

If the relationship is to survive the couple needs to refocus their energy away from their own fears and towards what they want.

The focus on fears is proven to create their fears in reality and so is not safe if rebuilding trust and saving the relationship is the goal.

Important: For rebuilding trust

If love is what you want in your relationship your goal is to give love in the way your partner wants it.

Most people feel exposed and feel at risk if they do this, BUT in reality they are more at risk if they don’t, pulling love away to protect yourself when things go wrong is a smokescreen for safety, because pulling love away only results in your partner mirroring you in some way.

So fears fuel fears to destroy the trust in any relationship.

If you are have problems and need help rebuilding trust please get in touch.

  • I run a two hour trust building session for all couples.
    Please click Trust Building

The Calm Before The Storm: A Message For Men – Is There A Time Bomb In Your Relationship?

Most men who have experienced problems in their relationship are usually very confused at why it seems so hard to please their partners. For him it can seem almost impossible to keep her happy. He can also feel he has put up with what he feels is her becoming over emotional, irrational and inconsistent for ages.

For him this inability to be able to please his partner is emotionally crippling, BUT he can do something to help her, but most men don’t know what to do…

If this goes on for long enough the woman will start to feel that the messages she has clearly been giving to him has not being listened to. She feels alone, ignored and insecure.

This for her can lead to depression and all sorts of physical and emotional problems putting further pressure on the relationship.

Depending on how the man has dealt with her emotional outbursts will drive her next course of action. [Read more...]

Couples With Problems Want Fast Results Help And Direction!

What’s interesting about the couples I see is they really only have to do a few key things to make a massive difference with each other combined with a little nudge from me…

These few key things make up about 80% of what’s really important/critical.

I wonder how your relationship would be different if you knew about these few key things and applied them?

This couple did and this is their result…

…We couldn’t believe that in one two hour session so much could change. My husband learnt what to do when I became upset, he felt important in our relationship for the first time in years and I felt so much safer with him. Stephen also worked on my depression of 9 years in that same session and it just went. I even had a little panic when I tried to get my depression back and couldn’t.

We are so excited about each other and our lives again!

There were a few things that were amazing about this couple. Firstly despite their frustration with each other they were eager to learn. They wanted to fix this but were clear very frustrated with each other.

He had no idea how to make her happy and was giving up, and she was too depressed to respond to any good deed which further renforced to him she could never change and he could never make her happy.

She also repeated the same message to him over and over hoping in vain he would understand her and of course he didn’t.

Now I had a big challenge. I could see they were on the edge and I knew her depression of 9+ years was going to hamper our effort to rebuild the trust in the relationship and with no trust their wasn’t going to be growth.

Of their first two hour session, I had to understand their story and teach them how to understand why it had gone wrong and give them the plan rebuild the trust, understand the importance of meeting each others needs  before igniting the passion and then create goals for the future.

He couldn’t be succesful whilst she was this depressed…

So I had 40 minutes left to rid her of this depression. I told her this was my plan and she agreed to go for it.

After 40 minutes of very fast intensive work she stood standing facing me after a rollercoaster of emotions, tears, shock, laughter, she went through it all. Her pale worried face had now been replaced with a healthy glow and a confident smile.

Seeing the massive change in her I asked her to turn to face her husband, as she turned and look straight at him, in an instant he broke down. I rushed across the room just to check his tears were relief, they were!

The following week

I had a good feeling her change was going to stay by the way she responded to the session however I waited to see them a week later.

They walked in to my session all smiles and upbeat, always a good sign in my world.

She told me that after the session she had experienced minor panic attacks. What was interesting is her attacks were because she was so used to being depressed, when she couldn’t get depressed she felt lost, amazing! Of course this desire to become depressed was short lived and she embraced the new calmer her and so did her husband.

What he did was grab the opportunity to give her what she needed,  through his strength he met his own core needs and hers. She explained how through the changes we had put in place he was becoming far more attractive to her and he felt in a position of power in a caring loving way.

The attraction was returning and the trust had been rebuilt.

  • If this has stuck a cord with you and you would like to find
    out how Stephen can help you please get in touch today.

Stop My Divorce and Save My Marriage

Four couples have entered my session this week with this specific message is it possible to stop my divorce and save my marriage . I get all sorts of relationship challenges everything from trust issues, to lack of passion, from depression to how to get my partner back.

The challenges are wide and varied however…

…What I never cease to find amazing is how fast couples can change once they are given the truth about what has been happening in their relationship and given the tools that help them to feel successful with each other.

Society teaches nothing about this truth and how to understand ourselves or our relationships. This lack of understanding creates fear and from that fear destruction happens.

All four couples decided not to divorce after the first session

The reason I was able to help these couples so fast was because I helped them to understand their relationship differently and empower them both at the same time.

So the focus in the session is NOT about going over all the problems, all this will create is more problems.

The focus has to be to understand what is the biggest problem the couple faces and what change will make the biggest impact on them.

The biggest problem is usually: The trust has gone!

This is where I start. The couple learn at their usual cross road of destruction and growth what actions they can both take to look after the relationship and take the growth road and not the destruction road.

Then I help the couple to understand how they are both responsible without knowing in hurting the relationship.

Men and women are very different and their approach to each other can be confusing. One of the most frustrating places to be in a relationship is when your partners doesn’t understand you and you then feel alone and unloved.

Nine times out of ten your partner is not out to hurt you they are just fearful.

I become the translator

I help the couple bridge the gap, I become the translator if you like. You see we feel because we all speak English we should understand each other. BUT when men and women speak it’s like you’re speaking Greek and Japanese.

What we are really after is a real understand of each others worlds, how we work and why we do what we do. This empowers the couple to know how to be successful with each other.

So initially we are all working towards building trust, creating a heartfelt understanding and confidence that when things go wrong both people know what to do to support the other.

What this does is help the couple to work towards removing their fears.

When this happens we can then work on building an understanding of how to meet each others needs, minus their fears.

All of this is helping the couple to feel more secure, about each other and their future together.

This is just the start

During these two hour sessions I have help these couples how to deal with conflict and understand how to deal with depression and anger problems.

My job is to get the couple out of feeling stuck and hopeless to confidence, love and passion.

After the first session which creates the initial shift and hope the couple all then work with me to understand what next will be their solution. All couples are unique so the solutions are bespoke to that couple.

So are you wanting to stop your divorce? Do you want to save your marriage?

If so call me today 0845 519 4808

A divorce may be the wrong solution for you both.

Is communication destroying your relationship?

Have you ever noticed that your partner just doesn’t understand you? Have you ever noticed that you can say something and they can then make you responsible for a totally different set of words that you never said?

One of the biggest complaints I hear is that my partner doesn’t understand me. This feeling can create all sorts of problems so a relationship becomes more full of words that are not spoken than one that are. The reason is the couple stop communicating because the process of speaking becomes just too painful.

Of course this is a massive problem and creates a loss of connection and love.

So why does this happen? The reason is men and women have totally different communication styles and so when each other speaks what happens is they have to translate each others words into their own meaning, they then make their partner responsible for their own translation.

IMPORTANT: So when your partner speaks are you translating their words into your own meaning and then blaming your partner for your translation of their words?

Many couples in arguments complain to each other, “…that’s not what I said” or “…that’s not what I meant!”

I have watched couples do this live in my sessions, so I slow down the process so they understand what they are doing. For example we pick a topic that is causing them some problems and I ask the man to explain his take on the problem, I then ask the woman to then translate what she heard and the meaning she put to it.

We then hear the woman communicate back something totally different much to the surprise of the man.

Of course this happens in reverse too.

Relationship test to try at home

Try this out for yourself, pick a topic which you know has been a challenge for you both and see if when you speak your partner translates your words back to you in the way you meant it.

Are their words in line with what you meant or are they totally different?

If they are totally different then you know there is a challenge and this could be causing more problems than is necessary.

So what is the solution

The solution is simple know that your translation of what they say is not going to be correct or what they meant. So it is important to not react negatively or assume your partner is out to hurt you.

Find out what they mean and trust that what they say they meant is the correct translation after all their words have come from their thoughts not yours.

Reclaim Your Playful Passion

One of the biggest myths that couples tend to believe in is that the more time that passes the less passion they could expect. This is total RUBBISH and a myth created by those who don’t understand how to keep a relationship alive!

Maybe the myth was created to keep expectations low, just to keep people together happy with mediocre lives. Well the divorce rate proves people are not happy with mediocrity, they want more and I agree. I just disagree that affairs, splits and divorce is always the answer. Not every one can make it work, but knowing what to do makes a big difference.

  • The answer is: If you want to be good at something learn how to do it well and relationships are no different.

Lets start with learning how not to do it…

The 3 step formula for successfully removing passion from your relationship, without knowing

So if your relationship is lacking passion and you have lost the playful side to your relationship there are going to be reasons, below are the top 3.

Step 1. Lack of understanding

One of the reasons is going to be understanding, or a lack of it. When individuals in a relationship don’t feel that their partner understands them they feel hurt or pain. If they get too much proof that their partner doesn’t want to understand them, then they start to resent their partner.

Step 2. No appreciation of critical needs

Another core reason is needs. If your needs are not met you’re not going to be feeling very playful or sexy. If you feel that you partner is showing no desire to meet your needs then this also compounds the proof that you are not understood.

Step 3. Lack of trust and respect

If the above is how you are feeling the big problem will now be the worry that your partner cannot be trusted to give you want you really need and this may help you to feel that they don’t respect you.

Trust and respect are critical because without it you can kiss your passion goodbye.

So what’s the solution to “Reclaim Your Playful Passion”

Well clearly if the above steps are in your relationship, maybe it’s time to make a change and understand what you are doing wrong and put it right. You need growth in your relationship. Relationships DO NOT stand still. Relationships are either growing or dying.

If you want to keep yours, maybe it’s time to learn how to put that spark back and keep it there forever.

Relationship Conflict Management: “YOU @#**$%*> GET OUT!”

You know the situation, your blood is boiling, you are both shouting at each other, both in full flow. You can’t understand how your partner could be so stupid or selfish! In the moment you hate with a passion.

What’s interesting in these arguments is there always seems to be two totally different perspectives on the same  problem. There seems to be two truths… Really?!

How is that possible? Is someone dishonest? Are they both dishonest? Is someone playing control games? Is one party deliberately trying to hurt the other? Why can’t the couple, even agree on the basic facts?

The woman is usually thinking, why is he not understanding me? He is usually focused on the exact words and the exact events, the more he tries to prove his fact are right, the worse she feels and her anger escalates much to his frustration.

He knows he is right factually so clearly, she is has gone crazy. She can’t understand how he can be so insensitive, he is more interested in proving her wrong than helping her.

Clearly she gone mad and the men in the white van need to be called, and he’s and insensitive self centered @#**$%!

Does this happen to your relationship is this how you feel?

Would you really like these arguments  to end, because it can when you know what to do!

Now what I will say to the men here is: If your partner has become distant, has stopped complaining, is quietly going about her life day-to-day, she’s not passionate, but it’s quiet so better than the screaming version of her…right!?  WRONG!!!

This is time for you to worry! I know quiet for men equals all is well, but in female terms it means there is a massive, and I mean massive problem!

If she has stopped complaining and you know things are not right between you it means she has given up and see’s no point in communicating. She has lost trust and without trust there is no relationship.

For the women I want you to know this: No matter how many times you say what you want him to understand he will never get it, he may pay lip service to it to keep the peace, or he may shout you down, but he really will never understand.

Why is it this way?

The answer is simple, men and women communicate totally differently, unless you know how to translate emotional needs to each other in each others language you will never get through.

I have many couples that come to sessions get this and live wonderful lives together. I also work with a minority that say they want change and understand, but put no effort in, expect their partner to do all the changing and then wonder why the relationship fails again.

When your partner speaks, what is important is what their words mean to them: This is the whole point of communicating, if you put your spin on their words and then make them responsible for your interpretation, how in anyones world does that make sence.

What this means is you have to understand them and what their words really mean to them, only then will they feel heard.

Plus the words are only half the story… because she has stored up years of what he has done wrong and he seems to have developed a hearing problem.

  • Do you want to know how to get out of these vicious circles if so get in touch today!




How to quickly sort relationship problems

The challenge all couples face with relationship problems is they can’t see how to stop their problems. They use the same strategy over and over again with always the same results – destruction!

So if you are both doing the same thing and it’s not working then maybe it’s time to change that behaviour.

Understand what drives your partner

When couples are in crisis, what happens is they both revert to wanting whatever drives them the most.

For example: If a female is worried about the relationship she may want to feel secure again. If the man is worried he might feel that the relationship will never work and so he might feel insignificant as a man. He can’t make her happy and can’t fix the problems in the relationship.

To feel significant again, he may become frustrated/angry and either give up in some way, threaten to leave, or get very loud.

If she is driven by security or certainty, his frustrated behaviour will fuel her lack of certainty and she will pull her love away spend more time with friends or family. This fuels his fear that he will never be enough for her.

These are not the only patterns that happen in relationships, but you can be sure that there will be one you are both fueling.

I recently saw a couple with this pattern, at the start of the session you could see that for both of them the end was not far away. He could not see a future with her and told her and she had lost all trust that he would keep her safe. They looked doomed, but with a young child I knew they both wanted help fast!

By using their core driving forces I was able help them both understand how they could meet their own core need and meet their partners at the same time. When they both realised they could do this and feel good they embraced a new behaviour that meant the relationship could grow.

He then could see a future with her, she felt safe again and they left smiling and hand-in-hand – the trust was rebuilt and the needs were met.

All this happened in one session.

Change does NOT have to take along time it happens very fast, but only when they both feel safe to change. So it’s the feeling safe to change that takes the time. My job is to help them feel safe fast by helping them understand that not changing was not going to meet their primary needs. Once they understood that the change was easy.

Will it last?

This is a question I always get asked. If the couple keep focused on meeting each others primary needs especially when further challenges hit they will be successful.

This couple learnt how to do this in detail and why it’s important, we covered many areas of human behaviour and differences between men and women. So the couple always goes away with tools to help both themselves and each other without me there.

What men don’t know about women!

This a message to all the men wanting to be more successful with your partners. What would you experience within you if you knew you could be successful with her and help her to feel wonderful inside and attach those feelings to you. Plus to do this you don’t have to say a word.

A big discovery for men in my sessions is what works with their partners that their were totally unaware of.

Presence for a woman is critical and the best way to get present with her through her eyes. If she can see that you are totally present with her through eye-to-eye contact and whilst you are doing that you are feeling a powerful masculine love for her within you. She will sence that energy from you and if it is genuine she will in the moment feel safe to connect with her feminine self.

She may feel a little fearful if this is the first time you have done this as she may not feel sure that she is safe with you in this way. If she will not connect with you eye to eye keep going until she feels safe. Very often couples with problems will experience the female has little to no desire to connect this way with her partner, because the trust has gone.

This is the start of the process that is powerful to help any couple learn how to deal with conflict differently, but also how to help each other create the right polarity in their relationship.

Couple with problems can have a reversed polarity that helps them to feel wrong inside, but they use this reverse polarity to gain strength and keen themselves safe.

So to all my male readers, your partner will want attention all the time from you, so getting present with her this way and allowing her to speak whilst you just listen will be a massive first step with reconnecting you in a very powerful way.

The Past Affects The Future – Without Us Knowing

I will keep the identity of this client a secret because even though she broke through her biggest and most powerful fears created from her past, there were however more hidden problems about to hit her unconnected to her past. She discovered this soon after she wrote these words below to me.

So she is now back looking for answers to her next steps, which we will find over the coming weeks…

Her past had held her back from being true to herself…

“Stephen your powers have worked! I am cured!!! I had a huge break down the other week, probably due to seeing you which made my head more confused than ever, but now I realised in a good way.

When I had my huge break down,  I was suicidal and lower than low, but because of you I realised what to do. And yet again my husband was there for me, we spoke and he listened for the 1st time to my vulnerability and it saved me, saved us. You triggered my brain to fix its self somehow?

So now we have cleared the air, we are talking, I am changing my surname, I am moving in with him and just everything is amazing. And all thanks to you”

What this client is referring to is a shift of her perception on her past and that shifted her perception of  how she saw her future. Initially this can be unsettling, but can have profound effects on an individuals automatic feelings.

Don’t always assume you can trust what you think or believe in because it might just be hurting you without you knowing.

Fears: A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Most of us are aware that whatever you fear usually gets created, if you are not aware then this is important, if you are aware then this is still very important because it can affect your behaviours.

For example: If you don’t trust your partner, checking up on them, asking when they will be back, what are they doing, who they are speaking to, checking emails and texts, will result in them feeling so trapped that you become someone they cannot trust.

Jealousy is easy to spot, but fears are not as simple as we might imagine to understand.

What happens if YOU are not aware of your biggest fear?

I would say that a good 98% of the people I see have a belief that they fear something only to discover there are 5-10 things they fear more, and these are driving their behaviours, without them knowing. [Read more...]

“I had become a walking corpse…”

Anna had a very simple goal she just wanted to be loved. A traumatic history combined with an unexpected break-up 2.5 years ago had paralysed Anna and almost frozen her in time. After an initial telephone consultation I knew I had to act fast. She came to see me 3 weeks ago. She had one session with me and we have been in contact over email one / twice a week.

Anna writes: My update since I first saw Stephen 3 weeks ago:

I decided to contact Stephen after yet another lonely weekend, a weekend working rather then going out. Working had become my safety blanket, running away from my sadness and disappointment that had left me disabled and destroyed 2.5 years ago.

The man I had loved with all my heart and I thought would be my husband had left me 2.5 years before after 5 (what I though happy) years for a married woman and he dumped me via a phone call, citing not wanting to have children with me as the major reason. Yet the woman he left me for had two children, not to mention that she was still married.

This sudden and traumatic breakup had caused my world to come crashing down around and me and everything I had believed in. I had been a walking corpse for the past 2.5 years, existing, drowning myself in work 24/7 to escape the tears, blind rage, all consuming anger and disabling anxiety that were always on stand by and ready to flow/come out if I had a spare minute. [Read more...]

Just when it all seemed hopeless…

Thomas and his wife had good reason to assume their relationship was over. To the point where sitting and sharing the same room was a challenge for both of them. This is a typical example of how easy it is to get into trouble based on assumptions. With the right attention many couples can build trust and love back into the relationship and create a wonderful vison for the future again.

Thomas shares his thought’s…

My wife and I spent Christmas 2010 on different continents due to communication breakdown and suspicions of infidelity. Mutual resentments that had built up over time led to each of us seeking attention and reassurance from people outside our marriage. I was prepared to move out of our home after the new year, but my wife suggested that we try seeing Stephen Hedger. After browsing his website and emailing Stephen a few times, I agreed to see him for one session. [Read more...]

Will My relationship Last?

So you want to know if your relationship will last? Of course you do, who wouldn’t! When couples come to see me, no matter what their relationship challenge is from arguments to affairs they have the power to make any situation better, all that’s missing is the know how.

Couples without knowing, together create the perfect growth conditions for agruments, affairs, lack of trust, lack of care, and then wonder why they have no sex life, and then no relationship. They are very successful at creating misery for themselves and each other.

How does this happen and what can you do about stopping this in your relationship?


I wonder what advice you would give to others if they told you they were being treated badly by their partner.

Would your advice be to change who their are and what they stand for? [Read more...]

How to get him back

Dear Stephen,

About a year ago, when I was still together with Paul, the man of my dreams, I was in repetitive phone contact with my ex boyfriend who wanted to be back together with me. I did not tell Paul anything about this contact as I did not want to disturb our new and fresh relationship.

Unfortunately Paul found out and did not handle the situation well at all. It turned into a nightmare and he accused me of wanting my ex back, accused me of cheating behind his back and got in contact with my ex to tell him off in a rude way. I am sure this kind of behaviour is due to problems in earlier relationships where his girlfriends had ‘really’ cheated on him. He became a very insecure man and now I did more or less the same to him.

The months that followed were full of accusations and hurt. We both hung in there, was our love so strong. But we never worked it out, up until today he was not able to let go of that situation and to move on from it. [Read more...]

Relationship Master Skill THREE of SEVEN

I hope the last two posts have started to get you thinking about your relationship differently. You’ll notice with the right approach you can start to understand how to become successful through being true to who you really are. This internal honesty will help you and your relationship grow.

No relationship stays the same, and as time passes every relationship will hit times that challenge either the individuals or the relationship as a whole.

These are the times when two things will happen, either the relationship gets stronger and the relationship grows, or it gets weaker and the relationship slowly dies. [Read more...]