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If your relationship is in trouble and you have tried everything to fix it yourself and nothing is working then these are the simple steps that will have a massive impact on your relationship.

These are some of the key steps I use when working with couples in crisis.

Step 1 – Get leverage

I help people understand the true cost of not fixing their relationship problems. When people decide to split-up they don’t think about the true cost both emotionally and financially. The cost is always much bigger than they thought, it’s far more expensive, the emotional fall out goes on for years and massively effects their future relationships, plus their children are affected for life sometimes hating their parents. [Read more...]

The Steps To Getting Over A Break Up

I see people from all walks of life broken hearted due to the break up of their relationship. Hard as they try they cannot seem to get their painful feelings to go away.

Everything is a reminder of what they have lost, and instead of the painful feelings fading as everyone promised their feelings just seem to carry on relentlessly.

For people who experience this it’s like they are stuck in time, the world is moving around them, but they are frozen never really sure what to do to help themselves.

I see a lot of people seeking help with their break up. Below are the steps I take to help these people go from helplessness to living fun and happy lives again.

  • Step 1 – Understand their perception of where they think they are and what’s happened.

  • Step 2 – Get the client to see their relationship reality from a perspective of their true needs and values

  • Step 3 – Build a compelling future that builds self-esteem and confidence

  • Step 4 – Set action based building blocks to make the change the client desires.

The steps in more detail

  • Step 1 – Understand their perception of where they think they are and what’s happened.

Due to the shock of the actual break up and the possible months and sometimes years of problems leading to the break up, individuals can live very distorted lives. They can also create illusions of how wonderful their relationship is or was and keep remembering that perfect image. Whatever distortion they are experiencing my first job is to understand what they are doing to create the feelings they don’t want.

  • Step 2 – Get the client to see their relationship reality from a perspective of their true needs and values.

Step-by-step through critical questions the clients watches a reality they never knew existed unfold before their eyes. What this uncovers is the real truth behind why they were so unhappy in the relationship. This takes off the distortion the client used to experience as the truth. I will also help the client to collapse the meanings behind the distorted images they created that leads them to despair.

  • Step 3 – Build a compelling future that build self-esteem and confidence.

The next step is to build the clients inner strength through further understanding of how they work and why they do what they do. This can take the form of a deeper knowledge of their past and how the different versions of them were created and what they were created for. This process uncovers more truth and understanding that moves the client away from their past fears and towards a place of freedom, peace and happiness.

  • Step 4 – Set action based building blocks to make the change the client desires.

Get the client to commit to taking massive action towards creating a different story. We all create stories of our lives and so when one story ends a new one emerges. The goal is to create a story that is so compelling and powerful it dwarfs the old one thus completing the change.

The client learns how to create a win-win situation for his or her life. Relationship break up is a time for growth if approached in a constructive way.

At the end of these session the client discovers that they are armed to be able to control their emotional states and know how to choose partners that are more compatible with them. They then go into relationships with their eyes wide open know what to look for and what will make them happy.

Is today the day..?

…you will hold YOU to a higher standard?

  • If you are going to have values, become those values you say you live by. Anything that is valuable has a cost attached. A cost to get it and a cost to not getting it. Only one will give you happiness.
  • If you want an easier relationship, work out how you can be a better partner. If you would like less arguments learn how to communicate better.
  • If your relationship is not working go in search of what you can do to make a difference. Searching for what your partner has done wrong is the easy route to more pain.
  • If you want to judge your partner find out how you are qualified to do that job, because your not.
  • If you are going to punish your partner, ask yourself if he or she did that to you, would you feel more or less love? Now ask yourself if you want them to feel less love towards you.
  • If your future looks dull or boring don’t blame your partner, it’s you that has not designed your future your partner is not your entertainment committee.
  • If your life today is not the way if should be, don’t let blame be your route to a comfortable loss of control over you. Take charge of you today.
  • Don’t let fear be your guiding light, let what you value show you the way.
  • People who live in their heads only ever get pain, it’s the people who live in their hearts who discover true peace and happiness.
  • The greatest gift you can give yourself and your partner is the commitment to help them to grow into the person they have always wanted to be in the life they have always wanted to live.

It’s only those who are lost and in pain, that choose to blame, that look to take, and make others wrong.

The people who succeed are the one who choose to give, add value and ask what can I do to make things better and then commit to those changes persistently throughout their lives.

  • They are the ones who are happy becuase they live an honest life true to what they value!
    The question is… are you being true to you?

Your happiness or lack of it will be reflecting that truth - that is a message listen to it!

Are You A Victim Of Mind Tricks In Your Relationship

Beware because you might be a victim of mind tricks in your relationship created by YOU.

Yes your mind can play tricks on you and this can be destructive to your relationship. I’ll give you an example…

…when we experience something in our lives we convert that event into a meaning. The meaning we give that event is based on our unique and personal life experiences up to that moment, our values, our state at that moment in time and many other filters.

So when an event happens, the meaning we give to any situation is 100% unique to us. No one else will ever have the same experience. This means that an experience and the meaning we give it is purely a perception from one perspective.

The meaning we give an event is therefore not a fact, it is not true, it is not real, it’s simply a perspective. The problem is what we believe in the moment feels very real and so we react to an experience as if the meaning we give the experience is 100% real and true and therefore a fact.

How this works to hurt a relationship

Lets say you have a value such as RESPECT. If you get respect from others then you feel good, if you don’t you’ll feel bad.

The problem happens when you don’t show yourself RESPECT and you don’t give respect to others. We have to give ourselves what we value before we can give to to others if happiness is our goal. When we give ourselves our core values and we then give those things we value to others then we feel great inside, about ourselves.

  • If we don’t do this we automatically feel bad inside about ourselves and this is what creates problems.

A couple in conflict will have their internal filters set to always look for problems. So what happens is they are in states that will not allow them to make decisions and create behaviours that support themselves, or their relationship.

  • They end up disrespecting themselves and their partner. This makes them feel terrible inside, but because it happens so fast, they don’t understand why they feel bad and so they make their partner responsible for the bad feelings that they just created.

Now imagine if both people in a relationship are practising doing this and with critical foundation values such as TRUST, HONESTY, SECURITY and many, many more.

  • What happens is the couple and the relationship deteriorate and so they blame each other.

The longer the individuals in the relationship have this distorted view of their relationship, the more stuck they both feel so they can conclude the relationship is over.

If the couple can be shifted to a new state of mind and given a fresh perspective on their experiences then this challenges their belief system and so the relationship no longer feels so desperate.

The fact that others have the power to make us feel things is an illusion that creates fear within us

The truth is no one makes us feel anything, we create our own emotions. If we believe others have power over us to control us this alone can create a state of fear. So knowing you are in control, actually puts you back in control of YOU.

The goal is then to understand you and how you work so you can always be happy no matter what.

Grown Men Have Cried When They Discovered This…

I have had so many instances with my clients that when I explain in detail how and why their values are the key to a happy life for them, they breakdown in total disbelief that they have lived their lives all this time without knowing this life changing and critical information.

Grown men have cried, women have put their head in their hands, some have become angry, some look back with regret of how their lives could have been different if they had really understood this back before their problems really started.

  • So many powerful reactions to this silent wonder that sits within us without us knowing.

See the thing is, when I talk to people about values they usually say yes they understand them, and that they have great values for life.

I then I discover that what they think they understand is far from reality, and so they actually have no idea, not only of what a value really is, but how to use them to get the lives they really want.

I remember the day so clearly day when I understood this and suddenly my life just seemed to snap into sharp focus. I discovered that my values were the key to the life I wanted.

  • The challenge that everyone faces is to understand them and persistently meet your values every day.

Because if you understand the values that are needed to be the person you have always wanted to be, and you meet those values every day you cannot fail in being happy and true to you.

The rules of values

Anyone that is unhappy is NOT living by their values. Understanding your values and how to meet them is the pathway to your emotions.

  • THE RULES ARE SIMPLE: If you meet your values you will be happy, if you don’t you will be unhappy.

Understanding this changes everything because the way we live our lives is with a goal to be happy.

For example people go in search of many ways to be happy.

A woman may go in search of a dress to be happy. She believes the dress will make her happy. In the moment the dress does make her happy, but it does not last for long and so she has to repeat the process to be happy again.

What she has not understood is that the process of buying the dress has given her emotions. It’s the emotions she is after that she gets when she buys the dress, but she thinks it’s the dress she wants, this is her illusion.

She may feel more confident, powerful, in control, significant, attractive…etc When she feels anyone of these things many of her values are being met, but it’s likely she has no idea which one’s, all she knows is she feels happy and this is the route to it.

  • What if she understood how to meet all those emotions through her values without buying anything? What would happen is she could find way to gain lasting happiness that is not conditional on stuff or in this case a dress.

Another example

Many people value money so highly that they spend their lives on a quest to get as much as they can, only to ask this question “… I now have everything I could possibly want, why am I still unhappy?”

Imagine spending your life on a quest and achieving that goal only to discover that what you went for didn’t make you happy.

This is why so many very rich people end up in therapy, they are lost and confused and now exhausted.

  • These people did not understand the power of creating values for lasting happiness.

Now imagine how your relationship would be different, if you understood how to be happy through your values no matter what. Imagine if you could communicate those values to your partner so he or she knew without doubt how to make you happy and you did the same for them.

Then the route to relationship success can be yours in every part of your life.

  • If this has struck a chord with you please get in touch.

Remember this: Knowledge is only power if you persistently apply that knowledge.

Your State Is Deciding Your Future

The states you are in from moment-to-moment is what crafts your life and your destiny. Your states create how you experience the world and how others experience you. So understanding your states and how to control them is critical to everyone’s life.

Every decision and behaviour is created from the state you are in at any given moment in time. So if you are in a fear state, or angry state then you would make very different decisions than if you were in a happy or fun state.

  • Different decisions equals different futures

So what state do you spend most of your time in?

You may have discovered that being tough or angry gets people around you to do things and you like that. Or maybe you live in a depressed state because you get more love or sympathy.

Maybe you are in a negative state where you moan about the world, because this is your best way of connecting with others who also like to moan and so what you get back is a connection.

The question is this…

Is the state you are in most of the time going to give you the life you want?

Many people get stuck in certain states because by creating that state in a critical moment in their past they got something they valued which saved them from being hurt.

Maybe they felt more secure, or more loved, or more significant. Whatever their reason for getting stuck in a particular state can cause long-term problems because that person a can fear without knowing going into other states, through fear of being hurt in some way.

Most people have no idea that they are stuck, but if you were to look back at your life what consistent comments did you get from others and how do you feel inside, because there will be clues.

The biggest problem is when someone is stuck in this state, assumes that the roll of this state is to create a balance in their lives, but this is a poor illusion because this state will only be able to LIMIT them and to limit means to block other possibilities.

The result is a tired and unhappy person, because what they value most can never be achieved and so they fight to craft the world around them to fit how their life should be, but they do it from a place of fear, and no decision from that place will give them the lives they truly want.

  • Thankfully there is a solution to this so if you feel this way,
    or are you living with someone like this please get in touch today.

How To Avoid Splitting-Up?

One of the biggest challenges that any couple in trouble faces is their own perceptions and beliefs about their relationships and their problems.

This is because after time spent focused on their problems a couple can get a distorted vision of their relationship and how it fits into what they thought their life should be like.

Unfortunately from this place they can decide that splitting up is their best, or only option… BUT! Just because they can’t find a solution it does not mean there isn’t one.

The question that gets to your truth is this…

  • How can we trust our perspective if we don’t know how our perspective is created
    and specifically what influences it?

OUR PERSPECTIVE… equals a meaning we give an event(s) based on our own life experiences so far, our state of mind at the time, our values for what’s important to us, the rules we have attached to our values.

Our perspective is also influenced by how we are meeting our needs that we maybe meeting yet conflicting with our most critical values for happiness.

When you consider all this plus how we generalise and distort information to fit our belief systems that were set up unconsciously, how can anyone trust in a state of fear (which is where most couples in trouble are) know as a fact that splitting up is the best decision and will make them happy?

The simple answer is they can’t..!

All they know is today they are not happy and they don’t want to feel that way any more.

This is why my first job as a relationship coach is to help all my clients understand the truth about their relationship before any decisions can be made…

How To Cope With An Insecure Partner

If you have a partner that feels insecure for any reason then your mission is to find out the route cause and support them through it, without judgement or resentment.

Getting fed-up with your partner or punishing them will never help, because all you will get is more insecurity as they feel you moving further away from them emotionally.

They may become so insecure that they cannot bear the relationship any longer and so they will end it just to stop their own pain so be careful how you handle them.

Relationships that don’t work are 50/50 relationships because these relationship are conditional, on your partner always doing something for you and whilst they are insecure this will be a struggle for them.

Unconditional relationship

What works best is an unconditional relationship, because you are the strong one at this time it is up to you to take control and 100% responsibility for the relationship to make this right in their time of weakness.

If you feel that you cannot offer this unconditional love to your partner then maybe you are a contributor to why they feel a lack of security with you. A lack of  ability to offer a partner unconditional love is driven by a fear within that person.

Your job is to help you partner feel secure every day so ask them what needs to happen so they feel secure and do not judge them, or their answers, because one day you maybe the weak one needing help.

We may not always understand what our partners are going through, so we must respect them at all times, and help them through what may seem ridiculous or irrational to us.

If I please my partner I will hurt myself

If you feel that your partners requests to help them feel secure compromise your own values then it’s possible that professional help maybe needed to help you both.

But again you can seek help yourself so you understand what they are going through and what behaviours you can generate that will support their recovery.

Understand this, the lack of security they might feel is not an attack on you, it is an automatic response mechanism within them designed to protect them from harm and is usually not rational.

So understand that the underlying intention is not to hurt or disrespect you. It is easy to feel that you are not trusted, and as trust is the foundation of your relationship and it’s a hard one to hear if you don’t understand where within them it’s coming from.

  • If you are in this situation and are stuck with what to do,
    please get in contact today please: Click Here.

Sexual Advances Blocked By Her Values

Dear Stephen

A guy that I have known for awhile has made an advance to want to kiss me. I don’t know where I stand with him. We have a platonic friendship – no committed relationship. His past relationships have been shaky – non committal – he has never been married – 50 years old which makes me feel emotionally unsafe with him.

I am interested in a long term relationship and eventually want to marry. I consider kissing very erotic which could lead to becoming sexual which I do not want to do before I am married. I don’t want to compromise my faith in God. I also consider kissing to be a part of a committed, monogamous relationship.

How do I explain all of this to him without being demanding – and thinking that I’m needy for him to want a relationship with me? I want to tell him all of the above and also that he needs to look at himself as to why he has been in and out of relationships all of his life. He needs to do this for himself not for a relationship. I need help in explaining this to him in love and not seeming judgemental. Also, I want to tell him that the relationship that I want is that both partners have the same beliefs and values.

Thank you.

—————————————————————————————-

Thank you for your request for help.

I would firstly like to honour and respect your strong sense of yourself displayed through your beliefs, needs and your values.

You have set these up so well, that they will not allow you to compromises your long-term wishes for yourself and a happy future. This strength within you will allow you to be at one with yourself and all your life choices so this is a brilliant start.

You are also aware that through your feelings of wanting the best for you, you don’t want to be judgemental of him because you are probably aware that you may not understand fully, why he has behaved the way he has through his past relationships.

None of us are qualified to be anyone’s judge, so what we are left with is some questions, that for you, clearly need to be answered before you could ever be happy with this man.

The first question is what has generated a life without commitment for him? Is there a weakness in his values, or has is he also been living by his values, but they are just different to yours? Maybe he has never met someone right for him and he has been true to himself, or maybe he also lives in fear of being hurt, just like you.

Many, many possibilities and this is why a judgement of him is not possible or fair. However you are right to be concerned, because you see he has lived a life which is not like the one you want, and you know that to be happy you would have to share the same vision and values.

You also mention that you don’t want to be demanding. You’re never demanding if all you do is set a boundary of what you will accept. A boundary is a solid and inactive place that protects you, the word demanding is only relevant when someone who is aware of your boundary selfishly takes action and steps over it, again and again. Was he aware of your boundary?

You are in a position of strength here through your beliefs and values so you will never be hurt if you live by them as you are.

An honest conversation with this man outlining your critical needs, will help him understand what he has to do if he wishes to have a relationship with you, this is simply you being “honest” and I know you value that.

As you know he is not qualified to judge you so no matter what his opinion of you after your conversation this could never be respected or trusted.

I have one question for you? He has shown sexual attraction, but does that mean he wants more? Be sure you understand his intention behind his advance, because you maybe rejected through confusion of meaning, is this where your fear sits with him?

Your other option is to wait to see if he makes another advance towards you, if he does then that’s your chance to let him know what is important to you and if he is serious about you what you would like to happen so you can be safe.

If he is an honest, respectful man and he really wants you he will do anything to help you to feel secure with him by giving you what you really need.

Please let us know how you get on.

Stephen Hedger

Prevention or Cure which is best?

I’m sure that the logical side of all of us will agree that prevention of any problem we have is far better than putting ourselves through a problem and then having to find a cure.

So if this really makes sense then why do most couples choose to not look to for answers to what equals success for their relationship before the problems hits them.

The reasons are many, but here are a few…

  • It’s unromantic to put our relationship under the microscope
  • They are scared to look in case they find something they don’t like
  • They don’t believe anyone could help them
  • We are different and so we will never get to the point of splitting up

The problem is, if any couple goes into a relationship believing that they will not face challenges they will be massively deluding themselves, because we all do, no matter how good your relationship is.

What is, or could impact your relationship?

Assumptions, poor communication, fears, other people, work, family again there are many, many more who all have a massive impact on us from day-to-day and this impact will create a shift within us without us knowing.

At this point we can move from being in the version of ourselves where the world is always great, into the version of fear.

From here the world looks very different and if you live here for long enough, and you and your partner don’t know what to do, you can start attaching your fears to your relationship and without meaning to spend the next few years sabotaging each other without knowing as you try to get back to the place where everything was amazing.

  • FACT: No great decisions ever come from the version of you that is in a fear state.

The really smart people know there is a lot they don’t know, so…

The smart people know that these situations will happen and so they seek information and guidance to ensure that whatever comes up, they are able to notice the danger before it happens and help each other become realigned with each other critical needs and more importantly their most important values that equal happiness.

Most people don’t understand what these are, or how they work and if that’s you then please get in touch because the impact of not understanding this is massive, and is one of the biggest contributors to relationship break-ups from thousands of couples who all thought they were different and special.

It would never happen to them… BUT IT DID!


Your Relationship With You

If you have been reading my daily relationship posts for a while now, you will notice that even though helping you create passionate lasting relationships is my goal, my focus is on a much bigger goal for you.

  • That bigger and more critical goal for you is to help you to have an amazing relationship with yourself, so no matter what happens in your life you will always be OK.

The reason this is top of the list is because most people have no idea how they work, worse is they think they know themselves yet they spend years emotionally hurting themselves, and then blame either others, the world, or the fact they are just unlucky when things go wrong. This is called learnt helplessness.

For example: Those people through no fault of their own go through their lives using trial and error as their preferred strategy for creating the most important part of anyone’s life, and that is choosing who to spend the rest of their lives with, and trial and error again on how to manage that relationship so it gives them all they need to be happy.



From that weak position of understanding of themselves and their partner, who is also likely to be lost, they even agree to legally marry and to share all their worldly possessions. They agree that if it goes wrong they will be forced to give a large portion of their possessions and future earnings to their partner who it seems wasn’t quite right for them after all.

They do all this on the back of trial and error and how they feel at that time, this is a painful and expensive approach to leave to chance.

I will translate this from the perspective of a relationship coach.

Two people who don’t understand how to listen to their own critical needs, values, and rules for their happiness is setting themselves up for a life of pain. They are also unaware of how this combined with their fears is crafted their decisions every day. These people feel they are in control of their lives, but most are in a place of learnt helplessness and they don’t know, until one day it all goes horribly wrong.

  • These people also make life changing decisions about each other under the influence of a force far bigger than all of us… NATURE!

Nature has given two people who are attracted to each other a bucket full of feel good chemicals in response to each other so they will have sex and grow the human population.

The couple mistake these feelings for ever lasting true love and feel amazing about each other, until they don’t.

By this time they could be married and have kids.

Nature never factored in a house

Nature never planned for you to live in a box together, all nature planned is for you to want to create more little versions of you and so we are not designed for longevity. After the initial attraction and excitement of weddings, houses and children we become lost and directionless as a couple.

At this point we start to feel that the relationship has lost it’s excitement, we don’t feel the same about each other as the sexual excitement has gone and so we move to a place of fear where we wonder if we will be enough for our partner or if the relationship was a mistake.

Some will live together in a passionless relationship, some will look outside the relationship to feel good again, some will become depressed and some will get out fast and some will get out slow.

Very few sustain amazing relationships because even amazing relationships will eventually lack variety to keep life exciting.

Those that do give up will then repeat all this again with their next partner, this is why most relationships after a marriage break-up fail.

This will happen a few times until they hit about 40 ish when they have had enough and they can see that trial and error does not work and so the smart people look for where they can get real answers and so they seek help.

They at this point fear the next 40 years more than the thought of seeking help, which is the reverse thought pattern of those between 20-30.

It doesn’t have to be this way

Now imagine this… Imagine you knew how you really worked, and you knew how to present that honest version of you to either your dates, if you are looking for someone or to your husband or wife.

Now imagine being able to communicate that honest version of you so your partner understands exactly what you need to be happy.

If you have found the right person for you they will want you to be happy and so they will do everything in their power to make that a reality for you.

If you find yourself with someone who is not committed to doing this for you then there are two reasons. They are lazy or scared and this would have to change if a successful relationship is your goal.

So you see, if you don’t understand you, or where you want to be then you are out of control, and this is really bad for you, bad for your relationship, and crippling for your children who are looking up at a lost person for guidance.

This is why my focus is to help you discover the truth about you, it’s critical to your happiness.

Stephen Hedger helps couples and individuals understand who they really are, what they need to be happy and how to communicate it. These sessions form part of helping people attract life partners through dating, or to help couples in crisis, or those who just want better relationships.

What Can Relationship Coaching Do For You?

From Judges to Housewives from Business professionals even to an Ex-Vietnam Soldier, I have helped people from all walks of life make the changes they wanted in their lives.

No matter what challenge you are focused on today, or how impossible it may seem, a change for happiness is always possible. If you believe change is not possible then you will make that true as you direct your actions elsewhere and that will always equal failure.

In coaching with me I will show you how to make powerful changes that last.

How does it work

The way that coaching with me works is we will work together to uncover the truth of what is happening in your life and relationship.

This helps us because from a place of honesty we can plan the steps that will get you from where we know you are today to where you really want to be.

We’ll also uncover what you don’t yet know about you and your partner.

You will get to understand why your situation is the way it is today, and what behaviours and decisions created that direction for you.

We will uncover how you work, in other in other words what is the true key to your happiness and what will keep you down in unhappiness. With this knowledge you will know what to avoid that you don‘t know today.

  • This key part of my sessions opens up a world that clients didn’t even know existed about themselves.

Through all of this you will discover how your behaviours affect others and how to change them not only to help you to be happier, but how to create a far deeper connection than ever before with those you love.

How To Create Lasting Changes

As the coaching progresses and your confidence in how you work grows and your fears start to disappear, I will build in powerful leverage so that you will never consider going back to where you were before and the changes we are making in you are lasting.

Powerful emotions the path to results

Coaching with me as many of my past clients will agree brings out powerful emotions, because coaching challenges core belief systems. Your beliefs, values and rules you have set up without knowing is on some level is going to be hurting you.

Crying, laughing, surprise, anger these are all normal responses to coaching with me that are conducted in a safe non-judgemental 100% confidential and controlled environment. These powerful responses are indication that the coaching is working and proves how alive you really are no matter what’s going happening for you.

Clients also in the beginning experience “confusion”, this is also a great sign because a new map in your mind of how you work is being built, and that soon moves to understanding which builds more confidence, self-esteem.

Coaching tools

During your sessions you will be given specific tools that will help you manage yourself away from the coaching sessions, so you will feel confident on demand, and safe in the knowledge that when you leave coaching with me you will always know what decisions will always equal happiness for you.

Why not discover what coaching can do for you NOW, if your life and relationship just isn’t right, there is going to be a reason and a small shift in either you, or you and your partner can make a massive difference to your future.

Remember no action is a choice too, that will always get you nothing or even more of what you have today!

Make a different choice today… Don’t imagine spending the next 5 years like this…

Call me..!

How To Take Control Of You

If you want to get control over your life and relationship then this is critical to understand because what you are about to discover will change your future.

Imagine a fast-moving car, and now remove a control such as the steering wheel and watch how the car reacts to the road changing direction with pot-holes, going faster downhill, slower up hill, bashing itself as tries to go around unexpected obstacles, and after a while eventually crashes.

When you consider how irresponsible that situation is because of the danger to others, I want you to now imagine that the people around you, are that out of control car with no way to steer and they are crashing, hurting themselves and others. I know that you have seen or experienced this as people looking for happiness have come in and out of your life and left their mark on you or those you care about.

So if you are not in control of you, what is?

If you are given no way to understand how you work and why, then the world or others will decide your future and who knows what might happen, no one wants to be out of control, but the problem is most people are and they don’t know it.

Moment to moment we are reacting to the world and what’s in it. Every second the world around us changes and our states tend to change with those events.

Our “state” or “how we feel” is our reaction to that world and others, so you might at any given moment experience anger, depression, happiness, anxiousness, relaxed etc.

These feelings are what we call our “states“.

Our state at any given moment is the sum of all our past experiences, our values for living, the rules that govern those values and our beliefs, combined with our physical / chemical health.

So have you noticed that the same situation can create totally different reactions in either yourself or others on different days?

For example you may spill something one day and just clean it up with out a thought, but if you are feeling ill or stressed that same situation will just send you into anger as you feel in that moment the world is against you.

IMPORTANT: What’s important to know is our state is the start of us giving any situation a meaning and our meanings are the start of our decisions and our decisions are what craft our destiny or futures.

So if someone is out of control of how they feel just like the car they live everyday in total reaction to the world. These people will be out of control, but think they are normal and so they create a future that will hurt them, some might end up turning to substances to change their states some may seek help.

  • For example this is why people love drinking so much, in an instant they feel happy and their fears disappear, they will use drink because they don’t yet know how to create the same states themselves without it.

Who is likely to live this way? Most of the population are living this way.

Most people don’t understand even what a value really is, but they have set-up values without knowing.

They also don’t know they have designed rules for those values, they don’t know that they have negative values, again set up without knowing and these are stopping the positive one being met. They don’t understand yet that the order of how they meet their values will change their world dramatically.

And any of you that are in coaching with me will be nodding knowingly that this is just the start.

No sane person I know would agree to step into a car not knowing how the controls work and then expect a 80+ year journey to be crash free.

To make matters worse most people get into this car and don’t know where they want to go either.

Now they are lost and out of control, and this creates states of fear that comes out in may destructive ways some small and hidden and some out there for all to see.

You are on your journey right now, how do you want the rest of it to be?

What Is Your Perfect Relationship?

When I ask couples what is your perfect relationship? The couple usually struggle to tell me. The woman may say I want to be loved unconditionally, and feel secure. The man will usually struggles, and says what he thinks his partner wants to hear.

If a business was run this way it would fail…

If you don’t define the goals of your relationship together then the relationship has no direction, no purpose and no reason for existing.

The truth is most couples want to have what they perceive to be a perfect relationship when they start out, yet when challenged have no idea what that really means.

So in translation the couple becomes upset that they have not achieved a relationship goal that neither of them can agree on or define.

Does this makes sense in anyone’s world? Of course not, but most couples do it.

Unless you have defined what you both want your future to be like, you could be putting your relationship at risk. The reason is because the mind will try to fill in the blanks that couple have neglected to create.

So what happens is the mind will create two futures, his and hers, these will be different and so when the future does not equal what the perceptions are, one or both people in the couple become unsettled or unhappy.

The needs I spoke about in the last post will create the values we all wants such as security, love, respect, gratitude, adventure, fun, trust etc…

The values/needs that have to be met are unique to each individual within a couple. So what future together will ensure that each of their critical needs/values are consistently met that still equals growth of the relationship.

Not understanding this will help any couple to be lost without knowing, until one day one of their critical values that is missing will help them to feel miserable and so they will want to leave the relationship or go elsewhere to have that value met.

Lets say the value that’s missing is adventure or fun. If you have worked tirelessly together to create a money for the future and that’s all you have done, you will feel financially secure, but this won’t equal happiness for you. You could feel bored and feel insecure that the relationship will never make you happy.

Know this, if you are unhappy in your relationship it’s because your needs/values are not being met today, or you fear a future that does not equal your values /needs being met.

Lack of direction in your relationship will equal problems… Is that what you want?

How To Know Who Is Right For You?

When I was considering this post I remember a young lady who came to me with this very problem. She told me that she really liked this man she was seeing, but she could not seem to get passed that fact he was from what she considered to be a lower social class.

He was also on a lower-income than she was used to, but she was torn because she said she had feeling of love for him, but was considering ending the relationship due to his financial potential.

This was an interesting dilemma, because she had the eyes and pressure of her family and social circle on her, combined with a confusion over her values for what created a successful relationship.

For her and her family money meant security and she knew she wanted security from the relationship. But what she missed was money would never buy her the security she really needed to have a successful relationship. What she needed was love, trust, adventure, passion, a common goal, someone who was committed to her happiness every day. Money couldn’t buy this ever, all money could do was buy things. So she began to understand that a true love was far more valuable than any amount of money.

I had to help her understand how her current understanding of values were stopping her achieving the relationship she really wanted. For example any relationship can come under financial pressure no matter how wealthy you are.

So if a person always has to have security before they will allow themselves permission to love, then the love will always be conditional. A conditional love will always be one that lacks passion, freedom and honesty.

So if you have any doubts about what you need, or about your relationship discover if love is the top value in your relationship, because if it’s not then it needs to change before your relationship can be the one you really dreamed of.

For a relationship to be the right one for you, LOVE has to be the top value you both share.

What comes next is, how can that love grow and last, that question is very individual, but know this, if you don’t discover what you both need the relationship will die.

So feed your relationship the food it needs everyday, when you both commit to doing this, then you know you are in the right relationship.

Values Conflict The Cause Of Most Break ups

Most people in a relationship with serious conflict issues usually are not aware that it is their values that are fighting.

But it goes deeper that that, because it’s great to have solid values, but attach unreasonable rules to those values and now you have a real problem.

  • For example: You may have a value of