Couples are creating destructive dynamics under the illusion they are safer that way

If you want a relationship for life then what you are about to read is going to be critical to understand. If you are in marital crisis it’s so important to understand how you got there. In fact what you are about to read is for anyone who values relationships and wants to keep them, or save them.

The challenge all couples face is one or both people can develop a need to feel safe and secure in the relationship. They want to feel certain their partner will always love them, be there for them. All sounds reasonable so far…

To be clear, the challenge isn’t in the needing to feel safe and secure, the challenge is the way nearly everyone does it.

Remember the divorce rate is really high for a reason, [Read more...]

Are you valuable to your partner?

If anyone wants to create a relationship that’s successful and life long there are some simple principals that are key to follow.

The overriding principal is to add value to your relationship in a meaningful way for your partner. Far too many people do not understand what this actually means and sadly they are destroying their relationship without realising.

Adding value to your relationship means very simply to put yourself in your partners shoes and experience your relationship from their perspective. This simple process provides the ability to create a meaningful connection that forms the foundation that keep the relationship naturally strong. [Read more...]

Is it possible to think yourself out of a perfectly good marriage without knowing?

Impossible you may think, but please think again, sadly it’s totally possible and is a real problem I see on a regular basis. Below is one example of this in action. The simple fact is too many individuals are unaware that the way they think is subconsciously controlling how they feel about their relationship and their partner.

So a person can literally create thoughts that can lead them to feel they have to leave a relationship that is actually the right relationship for them.

What I’m talking about specifically is how a person can condition their feelings through the way they think.

I’m sure you have heard the story of Pavlov’s dog. The story goes like this, Pavlov rang a bell and then immediately fed his dog. He repeated this process a few times. The dog learned to associate the sound of the bell with food and would begin salivating when the bell was rung. [Read more...]

Stopping the battles and power struggles

In todays post I’m going to share a conversation I had with a couple who were in real trouble with no clear route to success.

When a couple comes for help one of my first jobs is to stop that destructive circular pattern because going round in circles does NOT create more love and growth. What it creates is frustration, anger, and sadness, the very poisons that accelerate the relationship towards separation and divorce.

Couples can hit conflict because they are so focused on their problem(s), but when they see what caused their problems they are usually both happy/relieved to be on the same side solving the problems which is what we need. [Read more...]

Want to save your marriage?

If an individual or couple really wants to save their marriage they have to understand how they are going to positively influence their situation.

When a marriage goes into crisis what the individuals in the relationship do next could change their lives forever so taking swift action is critical because once a problem takes hold shifting it is a really challenge especially if you don’t know how.

Many people make it far worse without knowing and they panic letting their fears take hold making the situation far worse.

Every situation is different and every couple needs help that’s tailored for their specific situation.

Through this post I cannot tell you what to do in your personal crisis to save your marriage because your best action will be different to the next couple. [Read more...]

Get your marriage back on track – For Men

Too many couples wait far too long before they seek help. Men in particular are really struggling to see how bad the relationship really is for her and he only wakes up to the true severity of the problem when she says she doesn’t love him, or she wants out.

So many men have sat in my sessions totally confused about how it got so bad so fast. The truth is for her it’s likely to have been bad for a while he has just missed the signs.

The chances are for her the problems have been consciously present for at least two years. Some women communicate problems and fears from the start of the relationship. [Read more...]

Who else wants a better relationship?

I’m sure that many of you are aware of this. How a relationship starts is not the greatest indicator of what it will turn into 3, 5, 10, 30 years down the line.

There are many little know factors that affect the quality of a relationship and the direction it will ultimately take.

So when couples come to me for help the one thing I communicate fairly consistently is, I expect all couples will have problems they don’t know how to solve. So when this has happened in their relationship what they do next will have consequences, some good, some not so good? Many act in ways that unwittingly ignite a time bomb that eventually leads one person to plan an escape in the future.

Whenever I happen to see couples on their wedding day I have this urge to run after them and help them, of course I never do, can you imagine the reception I might get. [Read more...]

Cloé turned to me and said….

I know you only received a post from me yesterday, but Cloé said something to me last night and I wanted to share this with you.

So Cloé and I were sat watching the Xfactor last night and James Jay was singing “I’m going to be (500 miles)”. Cloe turned to me and said “I love that song”.

I agreed, but she repeated, “I love that song because that’s what you would do for me…You would walk 500 hundred miles for me.”

She is right I would and much more.

In fact I have spent 1,000s and 1,000s of hours learning how I can be the best husband I can be for her.

She is the most important person in [Read more...]

“How can I trust you if you don’t even try to understand me?”

If a person wants to communicate with someone the only way to do that effectively is to understand them. To be an effective communicator you have to be a good listener you have to understand their world from their perspective. If you don’t do this you are putting your frame of reference on their words, this process changes the meaning of their words and this disconnects trust between them and you.

Many couples fight about what was said or not said, in the moment they are translating each others words through a filter of fear (BTW anger is a fear response) and so this changes what they thought the other person said, or the meaning behind their partners words.

The more couples go round in circles not understanding each other the faster they shut down into a transactional relationship as an emotional connection is not safe for either person. [Read more...]

Does your partner want a divorce and you want to save your marriage?

If your partner wants a divorce and you don’t agree it’s the right solution to your problems it’s critical to understand what has brought them to this point.

In terms of behaviour and communication the following will be impacting them:

  • They are likely to communicate a loss of feelings, such as a loss of love.
  • They will have lost trust in their future happiness in the relationship.
  • They will have lost respect for their partner.
  • They will have shifted their actions to be all focused on themselves.
  • You may feel that you are living with a totally different person.

You may notice a total change in their behaviours i.e. wanting to spend more time with their friends, work, children or interests.

All their behaviours will be designed to move them away from their pain and towards what will give them small bites of pleasure.

It’s likely that a person wanting a divorce will create a story that will justify why leaving the relationship is a good idea. [Read more...]

The Warrior & The Princess

When the warrior first meets and falls for the princess he marvels at her beauty, he stands by her side looking after her, protecting her and loving her. Full of his love the princess connects with his powerful presence, his honestly and his strength for her. 

She looks into his eyes and sees the future clearly, a wonderful life is possible with a warrior like this she feels. She knows this man loves her and she can see he will become a great man, so her future looks full and secure.

So the princess gives herself to the warrior and they agree to spend their life together. Every day the warrior goes into battle, his mission to protect his family.

She loves and nurtures her new family and she is absorbed with her new role, she is no longer just a princess she is now a mother and lover too. [Read more...]

Men and women getting lost in translation

So many couples are frustrated with each other because they have an expectation of their partner that’s almost impossible to achieve because the way they think is so different.

They expect their partner to think and feel a certain way, the truth is the differences are profound and can lead couples into problems they can’t solve.

Examples:

  • [HER] ”He won’t talk about his feelings?” (He feels bad enough why would he want to go over it again and again he will only feel worse, why would he want that? He want’s to solve it quietly on his own and get rid of it fast)
  • [HIM] ”She won’t stop talking about her feelings?” (She needs to talk about them because it helps her to feel better through connecting with those that say they care for her)

Another…. [Read more...]

Men please listen to her with your eyes and connect with what you see

Todays post is to help men become successful with their partners. The fastest way to build the deepest trust is at the point of conflict. Men if you can do this she will see you as her man, her hero, this is what she wants.

If you as a couple can build trust and love out of your conflict you will unleash in her a passionate lover for life for you.

When she is upset she will communicate many things, some hurtful, some true, some not true from your perspective.

I know men you are listening to her words and becoming hurt by all the nasty things she is saying to you. [Read more...]

Men do you want to win your marriage back?

If you want to win her back then this could be for you. She might have told you she loves you, but she’s not in love with you, you may think she is having a midlife crisis. She may have told you she’s had enough and she wants a divorce.

Whatever she has said and no matter what she has done, don’t give up.

One of the key reasons men struggle when their marriage goes wrong is they use male logic to try to fix their problems. [Read more...]

Let’s talk man-to-man

Many men struggle to understand their wives, partner, girlfriend. In fact this struggle for men is widespread and is such a frustrating place for him to be.

He knows he loves her, but for him she acts as though she doesn’t believe him, or doesn’t trust him. He feels that he can’t win and that she acts as if she doesn’t care about him.

At times he feels she can seem impossible to please and reasoning with her just seems to spark her into a frenzy of accusations that just are not true from his perspective. [Read more...]

The marriage advice all men should have

One of the key factors in my quest to help couples rebuild connected passionate relationships is helping them understand that men and women are different.

It’s a fact proven through science, a mans brain and how it works totally is different from a females brain.

This is one of the key factors to why couples struggle to get on and why the differences between the sexes form a huge part of my successful coaching programs.

One of the key factors for the success of my work is when I help the man to breakthrough his own fears in relationship to what she really means when she communicates to him. [Read more...]

Why does she attack me verbally?

Men are searching for the answer to this question. She is supposed to love me why does she become so aggressive.

Usually she will become aggressive if she feels he doesn’t care about her. Her aggression is usually a desperate attempt to get through to him.

Her aggression is her fear speaking.

She fears not being able to get through, she is likely to be feeling that if her feelings persist she will become too detached from him. [Read more...]

Understanding what men want

Yes men have needs too and if she can learn to understand what he needs he will feel great about himself and attach that great feeling to her. So below is an outline of what he wants/needs. Of course every man is different and so try out some of the suggestions below and see what reaction you get.

He wants to know he can please her. This is a primary driver in most men and is a significant source of pain if he feels can’t. If she’s not happy he will be in pain.

He wants her to give him feedback. If you don’t tell a man when he’s done well he will assume his actions haven’t worked and he will never do it again. [Read more...]

If we split up are we making a mistake?

Who Have I Become?

This is a significant worry that just prolongs the agony of staying in a relationship that feels wrong.

I also see too many people regret their decision to leave their partner, so if you are unsure please find out.

Too many people find that the solution of leaving is very painful so some short term effort could avoid that long-term pain. [Read more...]

Why do couples grow apart?

One fundamental reason is this: Women will marry the man she feels he can become, so she expects him to change and grow into that person. Men on the other hand marry the woman he wanted and so he doesn’t expect or want her to change.

This of course is going to create a significant challenge because every day they will be moving further and further apart from each other without knowing the possible expectations.

At the point of relationship breakdown women will explain their disappointment in their partner using words like “he has become someone I don’t recognise”. The men complain “she is negative and nagging” this is not who he married. [Read more...]