How To Win Your Husband Back

Readers question: How to win back your husband after he made up the decision to get a divorce?

We’ve been married for 3 years and 8 months now, I’m a Filipino and he’s Norwegian, we have fought almost everyday since we lived together we’ve got two kids (3 years old and 1 year old both are girls). We still living together, but totally no romance and no caring anymore. He gave up and he told me he don’t love me anymore and he will need to think that I don’t exist… its been like these since July 2010.

We’ve been to some family coaching office in Norway in June 2010. And they said its a culture conflict. After 3 sessions with them we’ve stopped my husband says they can’t help us. And after one week my husband told me that we can’t live together anymore, he does not want to stay on this relationship anymore and he will fight for kids custody. Two months ago my husband says his waiting for me to do something now about this relationship now… I can feel he wants me to disappear in his life, but I can’t leave my kids with him. Since we stopped the session we don’t fight anymore because we didn’t talk so much now. Were both living like strangers now.. I can’t think anymore how to please him to stay on this relationship.

Hi and thank you for your question.

Obviously I do not have all the information, but from what you have said I expect what your relationship coaches have said is true.

When two people get together it’s always a challenge for life to feel right for the couple if the way they have been brought up is very different. Its hard enough when two people from the same culture have been shown different ways to live, but when the cultures are so different then the couple really does have a challenge.

Having said all of that I want to give you some things to think about.

What is likely to have happened is due to the huge differences between you, you would probably have felt scared about your future with him, and him with you. You may not have felt secure or significant or loved in the way you expected.

The more insecure you felt the more you would test him to find out if he loved you in the way you wanted. The testing him would come out in many ways, but has resulted in arguments.

What he would do is to either defend his actions by arguing back, or he would run away in someway, this could be to go out or shut down.

If this has happened everyday this is exhausting for both of you. So I can see how he wants it to stop. The only solution he sees is for you to be removed from his life.

Lack of understanding is the key if all this is the case. He has missed your real message and that is you don’t feel secure.

If he knew that was your real message, he would not react in the same way.

The reason is this: Men are hard wired to want to please their partners. The main reason he has stopped is because he will have gathered enough proof that no matter what he does he cannot please you.

If he can’t do that, for him the relationship is over.

So the key in all this is how to rebuild the trust between you. Understanding what you both need for a relationship to be successful. Then become committed to meeting those needs plus understanding each others real verbal and non-verbal messages.

Men and women communicate in totally different ways. Men on the whole are very direct and use few words and they mostly mean exactly what they say. Women will use indirect language that can hold a multitude of meanings.

For example: When testing him you might communicate things which to him are not factually true, but you feel them emotionally in the moment. He will argue about the facts of your words and as he does you will escalate the argument as you feel he is more interested in the facts and himself than giving you the love and security you need.

So if you want this man back, help him to feel like a man because this is what he wants. Help him to feel successful with you, show him that he has the power to please you.

Help him know that you don’t feel safe and how he can fix it. The more successful he feels with you more secure he will feel about the future of the relationship. The more he feels like a man, the greater the chances of him helping you feel more like the woman you really want to be.

So jump out of the fearful version of you and become the best partner you can be and love him, you now have nothing to lose.

I hope that helps a little

Why Is Change So Hard?

If you look at yourself, family, friends and at nature what you will discover is millions of patterns of life doing the same things every day thoughout the year. We and the world revolve around these patterns.

  • Our survival is based on patterns, as we constantly look for all that is familiar so we feel safe.

These patterns are associated with survival deep within us as the world we live in continues to grow millions of years later with patterns strong enough for life to grow and evolve into the world we know today.

When we react to the world we automatically create patterns that to us equal survival for us as individuals, we do this without knowing, but some of these patterns may not be good for us, but they some how become part of our make-up.

  • Drinking, drugs, overeating, lying, cheating, anger, depression this list is endless…

I will use the pattern of anger as an example, someone who is brought up in a angry home will see this as the automatic pattern to run if they experience something they don’t like.

Anger becomes their pattern.

When someone discovers that anger is actually destroying their lives, giving it up is really hard. The mind is reluctant to let go of this pattern because it has enough proof so far that the pattern of anger has contributed to their survival so far.

Of course this is an illusion, but the mind will protest the more they try to get out of the old pattern and into the new one.

It is worried that if they practice the new pattern for long enough it will stick and become the new pattern and then you might die.

  • That’s right… If your mind thinks that you will die if you change, can you now see why change is so hard.

This is why through coaching we have to help the mind understand that change is safe and easy, this is why coaching accelerates whatever it is the client wants to change through accelerated learning.

  • The result is that change is easy, it’s just the knowing when it’s safe to change, is what takes the time.

How To Get My Partner To Change

Thank you for all of your questions regarding your relationships problems. One of the questions that kept coming up was about how to change your partner.

Many relationship experts would frown at this question because trying to change someone to be who you want them to be so you can be happy smacks of controlling behaviour…however…

As you go about your daily life you know that there is many versions of you created by differing life conditions. So an individual may notice that their partner has changed and just wants the old them back and this is wanting change for good reasons.

For example: A woman married with children and has a career creates very different versions of herself to cope with everyday life conditions and so she changes to get the best out of all the situations she finds herself in. She can shift from mummy to best friend to important business decisions to sex with her husband all in one day. All of those scenarios require a very different versions of her to make that happen.

When a change happens where she feels out of control she can become fearful and so now she will go into a fearful version of herself.

Example: Let’s say she fears her relationship failing, this changes her even more, and so each of her normal life conditions (work, parent, daughter, friend, wife) now feel very different to her so therefore her behaviours start to change. Inside her she will start to see the world differently and she feels that everything feels wrong.

If she stays worried or fearful for a long time what can happen is she can become stuck in this distorted version of herself without knowing and without a clue of how to shift it.

So when her partner talks about wanting her to change what he really wants is for her to get back to the happy version of her which will be good for her and obviously for him.

The problem happens when one person goes into a fear state the other can follow confused as to what’s going on. This can happen to men and women equally.

The best way to change your partner to be happy again is to be the best partner you can be. Love and support them though their problems and don’t follow them into a place of fear where if practised for long enough you can both become very good at it and be constantly on red alert for problems.

Couples Communication Problems

In nearly all my couples session there is one consistent problem couples experience and that is the couple communicate to each other as if their genders and their differences do not exist. If you understand the differences you will save your relationship.

So a man will listen to his wife as if she is a man talking to him. A woman will listen to her husband as if he is a woman talking her.

When this happens neither person in the relationship will feel heard or understood and over time this will build high levels of frustration and potential proof that the relationship is no longer working.

When the couple do this the meanings behind their words are never understood and so conflict is never far away.

The couple have failed to understand each other and when this happen critical needs stop being met and the relationship slowly starts to die.

The relationship can be saved as soon as the couple understand the gender differences and see their partners  intentions were not destructive they were simple receiving the wrong message.

Men and women are totally different

The truth is men and women communicate in totally different ways, men are very direct in their approach and women use indirect language.

For example: If two women were talking about going to a party and one brought up the thought of another woman wearing the same dress as her. See might say “…if that happened I would just die!”

To a man this is ridiculous, “…of course you won’t die!”

If a man dating a woman says I can’t see you Saturday. What he means is I can’t see you Saturday! And that’s all he means. A woman will hear a thousand possible reasons behind his words. He’s going off me, I’m too fat, he likes someone else… etc, etc.

  • Understand there are differences and you’ll start be open to explore how to be successful.

So in a conflict situation when she is making him responsible for everything wrong in her life she is actually crying for help because on some level she feels unsafe and she wants him to make her safe again. So she will test him to see if he will look after her. Men at this point have a tendency to run away either physically or mentally, now she feels really unsafe with him.

When he shuts down or runs away, he is stuck, frustrated, hurt not knowing what to do.

Be under no illusion he wants with all of his heart to make his woman happy and she wants to feel safe. They both want the same things it’s just confusion that creates the conflicts that ultimately leads to the couples separation.

The goal is to discover how to help each other to be successful by understanding the intent behind each others words and not making them wrong in their approach.

Sexual Advances Blocked By Her Values

Dear Stephen

A guy that I have known for awhile has made an advance to want to kiss me. I don’t know where I stand with him. We have a platonic friendship – no committed relationship. His past relationships have been shaky – non committal – he has never been married – 50 years old which makes me feel emotionally unsafe with him.

I am interested in a long term relationship and eventually want to marry. I consider kissing very erotic which could lead to becoming sexual which I do not want to do before I am married. I don’t want to compromise my faith in God. I also consider kissing to be a part of a committed, monogamous relationship.

How do I explain all of this to him without being demanding – and thinking that I’m needy for him to want a relationship with me? I want to tell him all of the above and also that he needs to look at himself as to why he has been in and out of relationships all of his life. He needs to do this for himself not for a relationship. I need help in explaining this to him in love and not seeming judgemental. Also, I want to tell him that the relationship that I want is that both partners have the same beliefs and values.

Thank you.

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Thank you for your request for help.

I would firstly like to honour and respect your strong sense of yourself displayed through your beliefs, needs and your values.

You have set these up so well, that they will not allow you to compromises your long-term wishes for yourself and a happy future. This strength within you will allow you to be at one with yourself and all your life choices so this is a brilliant start.

You are also aware that through your feelings of wanting the best for you, you don’t want to be judgemental of him because you are probably aware that you may not understand fully, why he has behaved the way he has through his past relationships.

None of us are qualified to be anyone’s judge, so what we are left with is some questions, that for you, clearly need to be answered before you could ever be happy with this man.

The first question is what has generated a life without commitment for him? Is there a weakness in his values, or has is he also been living by his values, but they are just different to yours? Maybe he has never met someone right for him and he has been true to himself, or maybe he also lives in fear of being hurt, just like you.

Many, many possibilities and this is why a judgement of him is not possible or fair. However you are right to be concerned, because you see he has lived a life which is not like the one you want, and you know that to be happy you would have to share the same vision and values.

You also mention that you don’t want to be demanding. You’re never demanding if all you do is set a boundary of what you will accept. A boundary is a solid and inactive place that protects you, the word demanding is only relevant when someone who is aware of your boundary selfishly takes action and steps over it, again and again. Was he aware of your boundary?

You are in a position of strength here through your beliefs and values so you will never be hurt if you live by them as you are.

An honest conversation with this man outlining your critical needs, will help him understand what he has to do if he wishes to have a relationship with you, this is simply you being “honest” and I know you value that.

As you know he is not qualified to judge you so no matter what his opinion of you after your conversation this could never be respected or trusted.

I have one question for you? He has shown sexual attraction, but does that mean he wants more? Be sure you understand his intention behind his advance, because you maybe rejected through confusion of meaning, is this where your fear sits with him?

Your other option is to wait to see if he makes another advance towards you, if he does then that’s your chance to let him know what is important to you and if he is serious about you what you would like to happen so you can be safe.

If he is an honest, respectful man and he really wants you he will do anything to help you to feel secure with him by giving you what you really need.

Please let us know how you get on.

Stephen Hedger

Pregnant Ex Causes Havoc

Dear Stephen

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man.

We both are in our early 40′s. We met through mutual friends at a wedding and have now been together for about 10 months now and have discussed on numerous occasions about moving forward with our future (marriage).

But during these months I was hit with some news that his ex was pregnant for him. They had broken up months before he and I got together but kept getting back together. He explained that about 1 month before we got together they were together. He said that he kept going back to her or allowing her into his life because she was what was familiar.

He then met me and called it quits with her and told her that he wants to develop a relationship with me and wanted to make it work because what they were doing was not good for him or her. And that they should move on with their lives and stop hurting each other.

The ex didn’t take this lightly and has been a nuisance. During this new year she told him that she was pregnant and that the baby is his. The baby has since been born and they are about to take a DNA test because he wants to make sure the baby is his.

She has put a lot of pressure on our relationship. She is constantly confessing her love to him and he has told her that he is not in love with her but will do the right thing by her by taking care of the child, if the baby is his.

My head is in a tailspin with everything going on around me. He has on many occasions reassure me that he wants to be with me, but sometimes I allow my emotions to take total control and say and react in ways I know I shouldn’t, especially since he tries so hard to communicate what is going on.

We are now at a distance in our relationship by allowing this situation to get in the middle of us. We know for a fact that we still have and feel love for each other, but how do we get pass this? How do I deal with this? Because if we do get married how do we deal with this person who vows to make our lives a living hell?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Dear Anonymous

Thank you for you letter to me. This is an unfortunate situation for everyone concerned and it’s so easy to see why you are feeling uncertain about your future.

The DNA test is a great idea and this will help everyone involved to understand what the facts are and that will help you all moving forward.

So if this child is his, then what?

Your first sentence states that you are in a relationship with a wonderful man and regardless of his history with this ex, for you it’s clear, that he is a wonderful man.

He is clearly acting like a strong man for you by doing his best to help you understand that you are the only woman for him he loves only you and the past is the past, you are the one he wants and he will look after you forever.

But all you can see is problems as this threat in the form of his ex sits like a cloud over your new relationship destroying the future you imagined.

I also see that you have said things that you regret due to your emotional state of fear, but you can now see that your behaviour and the stress of the situation is driving a wedge between you both.

Your relationship will always face challenges

As your relationship progresses through the years you will be faced with many challenges, the key to a successful life together is to meet every challenge together as a unified front.

That means you trust each other 100% to always look after each other and together shield and protect your relationship from the outside world no matter what.

The truth about your feelings

I want you to know that it’s not this woman that is causing the problems although I can see that it’s very irritating. The real pain for you sits in the meaning you are giving what this woman is doing and the future this then creates that clearly does not match the future you had designed.

So your pain is being created inside of you, by you… The great news is this means you can control that pain and change it.

The fears your mind is creating and the meaning it is giving those situations are not facts and are therefore NOT true, yet you fear them if they are. If you believe these made-up fears you will create a bigger problem and this is what has started to happen, hence the distance.

Your wonderful man feels that no matter what he says to you, you are still unhappy, whilst he understands your pain, if this continues he will also be in massive pain with himself because his job is to make the world you live in safe and happy.

If he feels he is failing you he will start to see a future with you that is also painful for him and this is why the distance is starting to appear. If you want to change this help your man see that he can be successful at fixing this situation and you trust him to do it.

So my advice is trust this man with all your heart, and show him you trust him to be the man that is capable of  looking after you and the relationship. Once you have this unbreakable level of trust then together decide how you are going to manage this ex, the child if it is his, and your future with them in it.

Work with your wonderful man to create and design an amazing future, one that you can both be happy to live in, this process will remove your future of made-up problems and replace it with a vision of happiness, passion and joy.

Once this ex sees that to both of you she is insignificant, and whatever she does has no effect then she will go away.

Make a good decision today

Make a decision today that you will make your relationship the number one priority no matter, and do this together and every day

Take some quiet time together and make each other a promise, a vow if you like. A commitment to each other and the relationship. Look into each others eyes when you do this, because as he says his words to you, you will see his truth and he will see yours.

At that moment your heart will see the truth and this woman will be no more that an irritating fly that eventually goes away.

Please let us know how you get on.

Warmest regards

Stephen Hedger

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What Is Your Perfect Relationship?

When I ask couples what is your perfect relationship? The couple usually struggle to tell me. The woman may say I want to be loved unconditionally, and feel secure. The man will usually struggles, and says what he thinks his partner wants to hear.

If a business was run this way it would fail…

If you don’t define the goals of your relationship together then the relationship has no direction, no purpose and no reason for existing.

The truth is most couples want to have what they perceive to be a perfect relationship when they start out, yet when challenged have no idea what that really means.

So in translation the couple becomes upset that they have not achieved a relationship goal that neither of them can agree on or define.

Does this makes sense in anyone’s world? Of course not, but most couples do it.

Unless you have defined what you both want your future to be like, you could be putting your relationship at risk. The reason is because the mind will try to fill in the blanks that couple have neglected to create.

So what happens is the mind will create two futures, his and hers, these will be different and so when the future does not equal what the perceptions are, one or both people in the couple become unsettled or unhappy.

The needs I spoke about in the last post will create the values we all wants such as security, love, respect, gratitude, adventure, fun, trust etc…

The values/needs that have to be met are unique to each individual within a couple. So what future together will ensure that each of their critical needs/values are consistently met that still equals growth of the relationship.

Not understanding this will help any couple to be lost without knowing, until one day one of their critical values that is missing will help them to feel miserable and so they will want to leave the relationship or go elsewhere to have that value met.

Lets say the value that’s missing is adventure or fun. If you have worked tirelessly together to create a money for the future and that’s all you have done, you will feel financially secure, but this won’t equal happiness for you. You could feel bored and feel insecure that the relationship will never make you happy.

Know this, if you are unhappy in your relationship it’s because your needs/values are not being met today, or you fear a future that does not equal your values /needs being met.

Lack of direction in your relationship will equal problems… Is that what you want?

He Never Wants To Talk About Our Problems

It’s generally women that generate the need to come for relationship coaching with the complaint that
he never wants to talk about our problems“.

Many women experience this frustration and so they feel that their partner does not care about them, and so she is left to sort out their problems on her own, and this starts to build resentment in her towards her man.

I’ll explain why he is never keen on talking!

…and how to open him up

A  man will only want to fix a problem that he knows he can fix. If he knows he will fail, he will be very reluctant to try, because his job is always to please his woman and fix the problems.

Failure to fix her problems and make her happy could mean a failed relationship in his mind, and so he is likely to  run when she says “we need to talk”.

To a man “we need to talk” = the end of the relationship!

Can you now see why he is not keen to talk, he wants to save the relationship too. You actually share the same goal just your perspectives are different.

This is why a relationship for a man is like a minefield of pain if it starts to go wrong, because he is so frustrated inside and is stuck, torn with what to do. So he does nothing and it’s this behaviour that frustrates women.

He also dislikes speaking and especially about feelings, so don’t be too hard on him because unlike women men are really not designed to engage in this way, men are not deep voiced, big hairy women.

He does love you and he does care, he just doesn’t know how to fix this!

So if you want to engage with him then speaking to him like he is a woman will never work.

Approach your man in a way that he understands.

For example:

Tell him the problem you are having and the meaning that you put to it and do it without blame.

“when you leave your socks on the floor and I keep complaining that you don’t pick them up, and you ignore my request, it makes me feel that I am not important to you. If that feels true for me then I start to create a fear that the relationship might be under threat and this makes me feel unsafe and unhappy.”

“I need you to make me feel safe and that you will be with me forever, it not really about the socks I just need to know I am appreciated and loved.”

Then tell him what you now need, a hug, or a kiss or loving words. Teach him what you need so he starts to learn how you work so he can be successful at pleasing you.

Many women believe a man should just understand her, but how can he. He is not a mind reader and half the time she does not understand herself, so he has no chance!

You have now given him the process your mind has gone through and where his socks on the floor might lead you to emotionally and what you need to feel better.

Now he understands how to fix you and how to make you happy now he feels like a man again.

You now both have what you really want!

Should I Stay With Him?

Thank you for all your questions from – ASK Stephen Your Burning Relationship Question

The question for Stephen…



Hi Stephen,

Thanks so much for all the tips its really working for me in my relationship. But I have a question, I am in a relationship that is entering the 8th month, but my man hasn’t said anything that is committing. He has two kids and I have one, he says he wants to be careful before committing himself into any relationship. We talk everyday and I’ve visited him twice in Europe we haven’t done anything intimate(sex). Please, do you think this is a relationship I should hold on to because I really do not know what he is up too and living in deception is the last thing I want to get myself in right now. Awaiting your response.

Thanks so much Stephen.

Olu

Stephen’s Relationship Advice

Dear Olu

Great to hear from you and thank you for your question, I’m so pleased to be able to share my thoughts with you today.

Long distance relationships are tough and so I really do sympathise with you, because even in geographically close relationships, fears and insecurities can creep in grab us and get out of control.

So lets look at what has happened and what it could mean…

He says he wants to be careful because he has two children, I’m sure you can agreed this is a good thing that he values the security of his children. Of course you could see this as a stalling tactic, but unless you have proof, why assume the worst as you‘ll only feel bad and probably for no reason.

You have spent time with him in Europe and not yet become intimate, again this is great because it’s a stronger indication that he respects your wishes and is looking for a lasting relationship and not a fling.

Plus you talk every day, so he is showing you a solid commitment to wanting to communicate and find out more about you, this is all great news. Clearly he wants to find out more about you, because he enjoys your company. No man would phone every day if he didn’t.

So far everything looks great… Except for how you feel.

There are two clear issues

  • 1. You have created a trust issue and attached it to this relationship, ask yourself why, and do you have real proof he is being deceptive? Feelings and assumptions do not count as proof.
  • 2. The other issue is about the speed in which this relationship is moving at.

My question to you is this. What commitment are you after from him, and does he know specifically what you want? In other words have you told him what your relationship goal is. I.E. marriage, living together, in which country if it were to happen…etc…etc…?

You are not asking him to give you that commitment today, or even in the next 6 months all you want to know is if a relationship was right for him does he want the same future as you, whatever that is?

What this creates is two specific points, where you are today, and where you both want to be, which hopefully is the same place. If not then you need to talk.

If you both have the same goal for the future, but just need to get to know each other better then this is great.

How to accelerate the commitment

What you now need to focus on is to helping him feel great about himself and attach those great feelings to you. Help him to know that he is significant in your life because when you are with him and think about him  you feel secure and happy. When he feels responsible for your happiness the chances of him feeling great are really high.

The quicker he starts to create a future that is better with you in it, the faster he will want to commit.

Be open with him about the intimate side of the relationship, be sure he knows you are looking forward to it, so he understands there is not a hidden reason why you don’t want him this way. Be sure he knows that you also just want to be careful and sure about him like he does with you.

What you both then need to focus on is building a bridge each day towards what you really want. When this happens then you will see the steps of growth happening on both sides. When you see this you’ll feel more secure with him that you are a team / couple.

Avoid creating fears based on assumptions

Be careful of your own fears Olu, because they can and will worry him. If he senses that he is not making you happy he will feel he has failed and this does not build a great future in his mind and may help him feel he will never be enough for you.

Should you stay in this relationship? Unless you can‘t bear long distance relationships, I don‘t think you have enough information to decide at this stage, which is why you feel stuck.

You need to understand the direction you are heading and if you share the same one, it’s really that simple. After all it is eight months and you would like to know, be sure he knows you are not after a commitment today just a shared direction to put your mind at ease!

If your questions scare him away then there is your answer, somehow I don’t think that will happen here.

Please let us know how you get on Olu…

If you have a question, or would like to share your thoughts for Olu please leave your comments below.

If you have a burning relationship question ask Stephen Hedger now… Click Here

Critical Relationship Help For You

This has to be the most important relationship help and advice you will ever hear so please, please make sure you really understand this? No matter what relationship stage you are in, from dating to a long-term relationship.

If you don’t practice these three steps you will go through a lot pain together.

These are the KEY critical, but simple steps.

1. Understand in the context of a relationship your needs and wants in detail. Get clear on your relationship fears and what sort of person you need to be to attract the person you desire most (connecting with the real you is critical no matter if you are single or in a relationship).

2. Understand the needs, wants, and fears of your partner.

3. Without judgement help your partner through their fears and become addicted to understanding and meeting their needs every day.

If you both do this then the relationship you have always wanted can be yours.

So if it’s this simple why do so many people have problems?

The answer to this is simple also.

1. Most people do not understand their needs and how they work. So if you don’t understand your needs then how can you expect your partner to know them and meet them for you. If you have relationship problems it’s because the needs within the relationship are not being met.

2. People do not want to focus on their fears and so they hide them away until they come out and spoil the relationship. If you value “honestly” then get clear on your fears because with the right focus they can be removed or managed, no matter what has happened in your past.

3. When two people live their lives with fears running in the background and this applies to most couples, both people in the relationship will never be free to be who they really are. They then live together in distorted versions of themselves. This is what causes your fighting. The more problems you get with each other the more problems you’ll start to find. This makes unconditional love impossible.

4. The chance of meeting your partners needs whilst in a fear state is ZERO and so to stay safe, and stay in the relationship you may start to trade for things, love and affection. You both then end up two people taking from each other because you have to.

  • Successful unconditional relationship are different, because the couple spend their lives giving what their partner wants most, and so they never have the need to take. This is what makes the difference!

Understanding this is the reason why Relationship Coaching with Stephen Hedger is so powerful.

You will be guided step-by-step to understand your critical needs and if they are set up for pain or pleasure. You will understand that your fears were designed to protect you, but are now out dated, but they are still running, harming your relationship and your future.

  • Don’t live in fear, because you will regret that decision.

What Do Women Really Want?

Confused men sit shaking their heads with a question they never seem to get the answer to “What do women really want?”.

For example: He can do the same thing two days running and get totally different reactions from her? A mans logic will never understand this, so lets look inside her mind to understand what’s happening.

Socks on the floor again -  Clearly he doesn’t care about me!

Women are brilliant at turning things or situations into meanings. Women are constantly looking for the meanings behind what their men are doing, or not doing, and there is a lot of things he might not be doing.

She wants to keep checking that everything is OK, that she’s safe, and secure as she paints an picture of a future he’d better not spoil.

Men rarely feel unsafe, but women can feel unsafe many times a day.  When she feels unsafe she has to get tough and strong, but don’t be fooled, this is her mask, inside every woman is the real her screaming to get out.

But unless she meets a man who can help her feel safe, she will stay tough to survive.

Where she really wants to be

In a woman’s heart is the core of who she is, all that’s great about her sits in here. This is where she feels safe and where she can trust her decisions. When she connects with her heart, her true self, she becomes who she wants to be, free, relaxed, peaceful, secure and totally happy free from fear.

If her man can help her unlock the pathway to her heart and help her connect with that part of herself everyday then he will become the man she has dreamed of.

BUT…

The challenge is this, women live most of their lives in their head. It’s very busy and very noisy. Lots to do and worry about. There may even be a few voices shouting abuse in there “… you’re not good enough” or  “…you’re too fat for those jeans”. Combine this with chemical reactions each month that men have no clue about and yes …men have a challenge!

Also you have to combat the other women who she connects with. They feed her with more worry because a group of women will connect through their problems and fears and this raises her awareness of her problems as she connects with others who are also lost.

She will love the connection with her friends as now she’s not alone and feels important to them, but her problems are now bigger because 4 different opinions have confused her.

Her only stop left is her man relaxing after a hard day unaware of the potential storm heading his way.

What will happen and how can he help her connect with her true self?

Find out tomorrow…

How To Get The Man You Want & Keep Him

There is nothing worse than thinking you have found the man of your dreams only to lose him, and not really understand why.

Most women assume too early on that sleeping with her man is the route to his heart because she is giving him what he wants.

If you want him to respect you, then you have to respect you first. Make him see how valuable you are to him. He will never mind waiting if he really likes you, plus he will see excitement in the chase. When he knows that you only do

Men Are Killing Their Own Sex Lives Without Knowing!

I am calling on all men to stand-up and be a man fast!

If you don’t, you can kiss goodbye to your sex life today!

Why am I saying this? Because men all over the world are confused, and this confusion is destroying their relationships. Whilst the men are trying to workout what’s going on in their relationships the women feel they have no choice, but to take control.

Here’s the thing, your wife or girlfriend wants you to be the man in your relationship. She won’t tell you this directly, but if you do not prove to her you are strong enough to look after her emotional needs then she will have no choice, but to become the man in your relationship, and she will not be happy about that.

She wants you to be the man

Why? Because she wants to be the beautiful desirable woman not the man. She will struggle with being both, but survival always comes first for her, especially if she has children. So if she feels the man is weak, she will worry and so passion will always be the last thing on her mind.

In today’s society you can see women having to get tough everywhere and in all so-called social classes. Single mums for example have to get tough to survive and if they live too long in this masculine roll they get stuck there, afraid to let go.

Then what happens is her masculine persona is in need of balance, and so without knowing she automatically attracts a weaker man. What she really needs is a man stronger than her so she can revert back to being the woman she really wants to be.

But she will not do that unless she is 1000% sure she can trust him to be that man for her, and she may avoid stronger men fearful of losing the control that kept her safe.

Women who are in top jobs experience the same problem, because they have to survive in a masculine world and so they have to act like men that look like women. Tough women love the power they have, but secretly they also long for a strong man.

The hen-pecked husband

Another victim is the hen-pecked husband. How does this happen? What men know and what many women won’t believe is this.

All men want to do is please her. If he discovers he cannot please her he will either leave or stay with her, but give up trying. So if women never show their partners they are pleased with what they do, or they are too controlling, negative, or overly critical, the man will start to compromise himself to try to please her.

She will then feel insecure with him and so she may cause massive rows that to a man make no sense. But her message to him is clear. You are putting this relationship at risk if you cannot even stand up to me, a woman, and prove to me everything will be OK.

She sees his behaviour as a lack of strength, and so her respect for him will start to diminish and so the beaten man gets weaker and weaker and she ends up loving him like a child. Telling him off and putting him down. It does not take a rocket scientist to know their sex life is going to be a dead one.

So men, the lesson is clear.

She needs the strength of a real man, one she can depend on no matter what happens. A man who will always be there for her, forever. When she feels this security from him only then will she let go and become the feminine woman, very happy to help him  become the man you both can enjoy.

Become who you are designed to be, and watch your relationship and passion come alive. Live in the wrong versions of yourself and expect pain misery, and that‘s right! Zero passion.

Why Women Take So Long To Get Ready To Go Out

Women take forever to get ready for everything and frustrated men spend hours of their lives pacing, waiting for them to emerge. Is there a possibility that the men fuel the wait? Relationship coach explains what happens and why.

Have you ever noticed that when your wife/girlfriend is getting ready to go out with you, she will change into many outfits trying to get the look just perfect.

You know that she always looks great, but every time she asks your opinion, no matter what you say she nearly always changes outfits and combinations and colours, bags and shoes, hair up or down. Too much flesh or not enough.

Whilst the combination to the perfect outfit is being deciphered you know you’re going to be late. You can feel yourself becoming agitated and even though she knows this, she still keeps changing more and more.

The changing becomes accelerated the more you say you like it and the later you become.

So! What starts off as a fun evening out is now a night filled with tension.

Here is the deal guys: It’s your behaviour that made her late and I’ll tell you why.

What she looks like is not the key to speeding things along. What’s important to her is how she feels about how she looks, that is the secret.

So if she asks you what looks better the red shoes, or the black ones? If you tell her the red ones are the best, you are slowing her down, or if you say the black ones are best you are still slowing her down.

Confused!? This is why… This is your lesson gentlemen!

By making a choice of just red or black, does not help her to feel anything. She has to feel some thing good before she can make a decision and so she starts to feel confused.

Confusion helps her to feel worse, combined with thoughts that you don‘t care about how she looks. This is proved by your lack of interest and anger at her for wanting to look beautiful for you. So maybe this could be an underlying  relationship problem. Now she’s really driven to look really amazing which is going to take much longer for her to achieve.

Do you see what you did…! You put the foundations of the relationship into question.

Here is what you should have said: But take your time and have a really good look, she will notice if your attention is not on her.

  • “The red ones are best because they make your legs look a lovely shape and that really shows off your figure.”

Or

  • “I love you in the red shoes because it reminds me of our second date in Oxford.”

Or

  • “I have always loved your legs and the red ones make them look amazing because they look so long and sexy!”

NOW She knows that she has your total attention, and now she trusts that you love her enough to want her to feel good about herself. You share in her priority which is to look and feel good. Now she can relax knowing that she has achieved what she wants and she has feeling of security with you too.

Remember she would rather turn up late looking amazing than on time feeling that she looks a wreck. In fact if she doesn’t feel good about herself, then she may not go out at all, because her evening would make her feel awful about herself and a whole evening of that is far too painful to entertain.

The word “because” is a powerful word for her here and the evening is likely to be now one that you’ll love too, because now she feels slim and sexy and she has attached those feeling to you.

This simple lesson is the secret key to your woman. Understand what she wants to feel and then help her to feel that.

Steps To Fixing A Passionless Relationship

If there is no passion in your relationship there is going to be a reason and it is not going to be because your partner does not like, or want sex.

Many couples have one partner who wants the passion in their relationship to reignite, but they don

He never wants to talk anymore?

One of the biggest problems women have with their men is that they don