You have marriage problems but what does it really mean?

Far too many people are suffering in their relationships unnecessarily. The problem many couples face is they are totally unaware of what’s needed to make their relationship work and by work I mean passionate intimate connection for life.

So in todays post I going to share some key information that could help you understand why problems occur and what to do about them.

Before I do I want to answer the question, “…what do my marriage problems really mean?”

Marriage problems are normal and simply a sign that a change in the relationship is now required. It doesn’t mean the marriage is dead, wrong, or the couple are incompatible.

Many couples sit for years in a cycle of destruction. They go round in circles because they are constantly trying to fix the wrong problem(s).

Constantly trying to fix the wrong problem is totally exhausting and the couple ultimately can run of energy with each other. This results in the loving connection they once felt can start to be replaced with bitterness, frustration, numbness, detachment and resentments to name a few.

A person in this place has the ability to rewrite the relationships story so they can justify their exit.

So if you’re seeking help with your marriage, you’ll have a window of opportunity to get to the core problems your facing and solve them before someone has had enough and calls time.

When couples come to me, I have to help them to see where the problems really are so they can put their effort into those critical areas fast. This is why couples that should be together, but are in crisis can start to see significant improvements in their marriages within a few meetings.

Problems are occurring in all relationships because the following topics are not understood.

Men and women are like a different species: Men and women’s behaviour in intimate relationships are totally different, – I’ll repeat: TOTALLY DIFFERENT. The lack of understanding of these differences causes massive problems as they struggle to be on the same page on many areas in the relationship. What’s challenged is everything, communication, sexual connection, conflict, parenting, money the list is endless. So it’s critical to stop judging and start watching, listing and learning. You can’t turn a woman into a man and expect her to be happy or visa-versa.

Repair your problems fast: Because couples struggle to understand their partner they will naturally struggle to repair the relationship so both people can let their problems go. This is a significant problem because unless the relationship is repaired properly one or both people can start to stack resentments. Resentment staking leads to disconnection which can lead couples to divorce.

Understand your roles: Men and women have specific roles, I have not yet met a couple who already knew the roles that sets the relationship up to keep their attraction alive for life. Roles are understood through the energy that nature has designed for us to keep attraction alive, combined with the core identities that help us to feel good as men and women in our relationships.

Get this wrong and we end up with men that are either seen as masculine bullies, or weak men. Women can end up introverted/submissive, or overly masculine and controlling.

Learn the rules that grow deeper connection: When couples come into meet me, I hear critical relationship rules are being broken constantly in every couple. Knowing the rules that keep the relationship safe is a must for any couple.

Remember your mission is to help your partner feel great and attach great feelings to you. So anything you do that helps them feel bad will also be helping them to meet their critical needs away from you, so it’s important to keep them anchored to you.

Here are a few rules to bear in mind that will help you avoid a bad attachment to you.

  • Never make your partner wrong.
  • Never try to be right, or win arguments.
  • Never question their identity, or who they are.
  • Get out of patterns that clearly don’t work.
  • Never ever threaten the end of the relationship
  • Make sure your commitment to the relationship is the best possible version of you.
  • Make steps everyday to help your partner feels important, special, loved.
  • Never compare your relationship or your partner to others.

These are a few areas of focus I help couples to learn so they can start the process of breaking through their current problems and build foundations that create the platform to lasting love and passion.

These lessons are critical for any relationship no matter what stage it’s in.

  • Getting people out of marital crisis.
  • Helping those that are not sure to discover the truth in their marriage.
  • Reignite passion in loveless marriages
  • Make average relationships safer and alive
  • Newly weds who want to avoid the pitfalls
  • Great for those looking for new relationship and want to make sure they pick the right person.

If this has struck a chord and you would like help make contact with us so we can find the right solution for you.

Why does a woman that loves her husband have multiple affairs?

This gentleman had just found out his wife was guilty of another infidelity and was now at the end of the road. He had tried to forgive her before, but this time in terrible pain he couldn’t see a way forward and was now planning his divorce.

His wife came to me looking for a marriage in crisis expert to help her understand why she had these affairs and how she could save what seemed like a doomed marriage.

Below this couple have been kind enough to independently share their story with you.  [Read more...]

We are not naturally designed to live together for life – so we need skills to achieve this dream…

When you look at divorce statistics, relationship failures and the the volume of people choosing to have affairs, one thing feels very clear. Men and women are really struggling to live together in a meaningful way for both people.

In todays post I’m going to talk about some of the skills I’m teaching couples in crisis to help them naturally rebuild their relationship, and their attraction so it naturally recreates their sexually energy.

Men and women are ill equipped to live together and so they suffer from very similar problems in terms of understanding each other their relationship and what it takes to really make it work. They end up losing feelings of love and attraction for their partner. So I have to help these couples learn what’s happened to lose these feelings and what we have to do to bring them back.

I’m now seeing 20 couples couples in crisis a week and although all their problems are all very unique what they are all doing is very common.. [Read more...]

#698: The 3 Reasons Marriages Are Failing

Today I going to share with you 3 massive areas of focus that are foundational in collapsing a marriage.

Far too many couples are not understanding why they are in trouble. They make the wrong assumption… there is no hope! They then use that emotion of no hope to break up their family.

Below are 3 core reasons couples get themselves in trouble and how resentments can start to stack to destroy their marriage. [Read more...]

Your mind is powerful – I have never shared this…

Today we are going to talk about the mind and the power it has to change the direction of your life without you knowing.

I see so many people out of control of their life because they have followed their feelings, as a result they have made terrible choices and have landed in really bad places emotionally.

So if you want to truly be in control of your life direction then this this post is for you.

What you are about to learn is a core part of what couples are learning with me, that helps them go from marital crisis into feeling free and safe to love each other again.

Side note: Business men and women are also learning these skill one-on-one with me to create more effective and confident selves in all areas of their life to create a better life balance whilst lowing stress. (I run 6 week courses for business individuals. If your interested please call Kate on 020 3793 2884).

[Read more...]

5 Core Foundations Needed For A Successful Marriage?

If you want a successful marriage then getting the right foundations in place is going to be critical to ensuring it’s survival. If your marriage is in trouble and these foundations have not been in place then you’ll start to understand why things are going wrong.

Intimate relationships are riddled with hidden problems that no one is either aware of or talks about.

So to avoid these problems these core foundations are needed if you are both going to make a real difference to each other.

I have spilt these into 5 foundational topics to help you. [Read more...]

“My husband left me…” She had just given birth and was desperate

To set the scene: This lady was so attached to the life she though she was going to live, she had been putting up with terribly unkind and destructive behaviours from her husband. 

Desperate to get the life she wanted back on track she came to me for help. She wanted me to fix her marriage and help her husband regain his sanity – They had a new born and her husband had just decided to move out of the family home, she had no idea why.

What she didn’t know was her husband was actually having an affair. He had kept it a secret from her and from me through the sessions which essentially gave his wife no hope as he was secretly emotionally invested elsewhere. [Read more...]

Emotional disconnection is crippling relationships

I can’t stress enough how important this is as it’s probably the most common message I hear when I’m helping couples rebuild their relationship out of crisis. 

For example: Many females complain that their partners don’t understand them. They feel they can’t connect emotionally with their partner and so if they have ever tried it’s a hopeless quest.

They feel the relationship has little depth, it’s essentially transactional. Some do claim to get on very well, but their attraction sexually is disconnected so they live more as friends.

Many of these females feel their partner either doesn’t care or lacks the ability to be able to connect with her.

I also see many men feeling equally not heard and misunderstood they just show it very different ways. Many men complain that no matter what they do it doesn’t work so in the end they can give up. [Read more...]

Round Up Of 6 Popular Posts

As 2014 comes to an end I thought it would be helpful for you to have access to some popular posts.

  1. Women want a real man 

  2. When is a relationship most vulnerable? 

  3. How to fix a broken marriage no matter what’s happened? 

  4. How can I trust you if you don’t even try to understand me? 

  5. 7 Steps to building a secure passionate and everlasting love 

  6. The Warrior & The Princess

5 Actions That Can Lead Couples To Serious Problems

If you have been a subscriber for a while you will know that I see a lot of couples at crisis point with serious problems all wanting help to discover if it’s possible to create a dynamic that could work long-term. 

Every couple comes to the session with a unique problem, usually a combination of destructive factors some obvious and some which the couple are totally blind to.

Usually one person wants to win the relationship back and the others feelings ranges from totally detached to wanting the marriage to work, but not convinced anyone could help them. [Read more...]

He was losing his marriage and felt powerless to fix it…

I was on the phone to this gentleman last week, he had been going to see a marriage counsellor for a few months about a severe marriage problem and he was concerned that they were not making the progress he expected and was going to lose his marriage. 

He had come across my service online saw it was very different and wanted to have an initial call with me to understand how my offer worked in more detail.

Before I answered his question I wanted to see if I could help him understand why they were in trouble.

So I asked him what problem they were facing. What he told me I had heard many times before. [Read more...]

“Why are you not helping your sister?”

I had to share this personal Hedger family story with you, the story in this post today is responsible for significant breakdown in marriages across the world, and it could be easily avoided.

In the moment this situation made me smile, however the bigger picture has far more serious consequences if the lesson is not learnt.

I can’t stress enough how important this is…

So picture this, Cloe and I are sitting down for dinner with the children, it’s a typical evening at the Hedger house. On this occasion I tell the children that Cloe and I have something important to discuss privately and their help with clearing up after dinner would be much appreciated.

Over the years Cloe and I have encouraged the children to [Read more...]

No energy for passion eh?

A couple were in my session they said they had really busy lives and not much energy for passion. Both said by 9.00pm they were tired from work, cooking and kids. So I asked them if a man from the nationally lottery turned up at 9.00pm with £20,000,000 would they still have no energy. Of course not they both answered.

So it’s not true you have no energy, you just have no energy when left alone with each other, your love is clearly there, they nodded, but you are not using the energy that’s clearly inside you both for each other? This got them thinking…

You see life is about the energy you bring to your life, successful lives is about the energy that brings the outcomes you desire. A successful relationship is about creating the energy that both people can share and enjoy.

So what energy is going to lead couples to success? [Read more...]

Signs your marriage is over for her?

So how do you know when your marriage is over. For many women the marriage starts to feel over when she feels the man in her life doesn’t or will not connect with her emotionally.

Many couples that come for help have a very common problem, they find the husband can be very capable practically, but he struggles to connect with her on an emotional level. This can help her feel lonely and disconnected from him.

Many women who find themselves in this place of no connection for too long can search for the connection they need in other places. Some go to their children, some go to their friends and family and of course some seek out new connections. (If you are considering an affair please rethink as the complications are significant and are likely to confuse a secure direction). [Read more...]

Do you want her to really feel your love?

To all men, if you really want her to connect with you it’s so important to understand this little know fact. For a woman the connection through her eyes creates a powerful emotional energy that allows her to connect deeply with him. 

When he can look into her eyes and be there for her through all her emotions, only then can he really connect with her in the way she wants. His eye contact can trigger within her a true vulnerability that can allow her to be fully open to him emotionally and sexually.

You see through his eye contact she can see the truth in him for her, she can feel safe, secure and loved, but there is another side to this as you will discover… [Read more...]

I could feel anger bubbling within me

When I was growing up I never knew that I needed skills to make my relationships work. It never crossed my mind, I thought that relationships just happened. Two people met fell in love and that was life sorted.

So when problems started to happen for me the message was… “you have to work at it”. Well that message sounded hard to do because I had no idea what that really meant and aren’t relationships supposed to be fun? Good Lord, what was I thinking! Clearly not much back then, but I knew I was getting it wrong…

So when I started my search to discover what would really work I had no idea I was in for such a steep learning curve.

There was so much to learn and as I discovered more I could feel anger bubbling within me, why was I not taught this growing up? After all isn’t falling in love and keeping a relationship alive one of the biggest life skills we all need?

I didn’t know that the way women think was totally different to me. [Read more...]

Is the way you think going to lead you to love or divorce?

What are you and your partner feeding your brains about your relationship and what impact is it having on you both?

The reason I ask is because many people are not aware of the power that comes from consistently conditioning their brain. It’s powerful because it creates feelings and we attach feelings to things, thoughts and people.

So if a woman feels bad every time she talks to her husband, she will create an association to him that’s bad. She is conditioning her brain about how she feels about him.

You see from feelings people make decisions and many people are feeling wrong in their marriage and are deciding a divorce is the best solution to that problem. [Read more...]

Why are women most likely to file for a divorce?

Todays post is not just a warning to men it’s a message to men and women to beware of what’s happening in their own relationships without them knowing.

To be clear both people are 100% responsible for protecting their relationship.

Statistics are clearly showing that over 70% of women are filing for divorce and there are really good reasons for this.

This trend is actually very easy to understand once you know the significant differences between men and women.

The way men work is they like to get rid of their own problems very quickly. They can do this because they are less emotionally connected to their problems.

Women don’t work this way and their problems can have a bigger emotional affect on them. [Read more...]

What if you knew your relationship problems were not your real problems?

So lets look at Jim he has had two serious relationships and both those women cheated on him and now Jim is focused on whether he can ever trust a woman again.

I think most of us would sympathise with Jims situation, but what is the real problem? Trust does seem a logical place to start and overcome.

Jim tries to have another relationship, but after the initial euphoria his mind has automatically gone to protecting him and focuses him on his past problems and lack of success with women.

This focus causes problems for Jim and his new partner, he is naturally focused on protecting himself and she starts to feel untrusted, not good for her.

Neither Jim or his new partner feel good and the relationship starts to suffer. Both Jim and his new partner are focused on his trust problem and trying to solve it.

It won’t be long before real problems start, because Jim doesn’t actually have trust issues.

[Read more...]

Men and women getting lost in translation

So many couples are frustrated with each other because they have an expectation of their partner that’s almost impossible to achieve because the way they think is so different.

They expect their partner to think and feel a certain way, the truth is the differences are profound and can lead couples into problems they can’t solve.

Examples:

  • [HER] ”He won’t talk about his feelings?” (He feels bad enough why would he want to go over it again and again he will only feel worse, why would he want that? He want’s to solve it quietly on his own and get rid of it fast)
  • [HIM] ”She won’t stop talking about her feelings?” (She needs to talk about them because it helps her to feel better through connecting with those that say they care for her)

Another…. [Read more...]