The worst personality trait that must be solved for the marriage to survive

Last year I was working with a gentleman who was a stunt pilot. He was a really great guy but he suffered from a severe problem and he was not aware of it. In fact, he was convinced his wife was the problem.

His marriage would never work if he kept this problem. As you scan this post you discover what happened to change this gentleman’s thinking – he was visibly shocked.

His problem is a problem I see a lot in varying degrees in my meeting with couples and can affect both men and women.

The root problem is rigidity in the persons thinking. In essence, the person thinks they are right and they will fight to protect those thoughts. [Read more...]

Changing destructive patterns of behaviour

When helping a couple out of a crisis one focus that’s critical is learning if either person has a destructive pattern that’s likely to stop them from becoming a valuable partner.

It’s very common for most people to have some kind of unhelpful pattern(s) that won’t support the success of their marriage.

Sometimes the pattern is due to a lack of relationship building knowledge or poor role models. Sometimes it’s due to some kind of emotionally distressing historic event that created a pattern designed to protect the person but never does and so they suffer.

The combination of both challenges can lead couples to very challenging symptoms that disconnect the couple and put trust in question. [Read more...]

Mastering marital conflicts & communication problems

If you want your marriage to work then it’s critical to get on the same page with this. If we understand the individual words our partner speak why do couples struggle so much when they’re put in a sentence.

Virtually every couple on some level know they have a communication problem but it can manifest itself in so many areas of their life that the real problem can become so confused.

Are we disagreeing about the problem or is it the way we are disagreeing that’s now the problem?

Many couples are experiencing the moment when they say something to their husband or wife and their partner seems to take their words and change it to mean something totally different.

This process can spark conflict as they battle with what was really said and meant. “…if you really think that about me then you don’t know me at all…” [Read more...]

“I cannot believe divorce is NOW a option for us”

In today’s post, I’m going to explain why so many couples struggle to keep their marriage alive and why divorce can become such a shocking option.

At the end of this post, you’ll learn the most important focus all couple should have in their marriage if they want to avoid divorce.

Every day I am presented by a couple in crisis needing help to understand if their crisis is a sign of genuine incompatibility or if their problems can be permanently solved.

There are some couples that really shouldn’t be together and any professional process they are in should help them discover that truth to avoid the pain and suffering of years of flogging a dead horse. [Read more...]

What did she really teach her husband?

I sat with a lady and her husband who were struggling with their marriage. Her husband really didn’t feel they had a problem but she was very unhappy with him and their marriage.

As I dug into their marriage problems I could see why she was unhappy but Is wasn’t clear why the husband couldn’t see there was a problem.

I don’t expect men that attend will understand her emotional world and how she sees it but I do expect him to understand there is a problem for her.

So I asked him why are you here with me if you don’t think there is a problem. He said the only reason he is here is that she threatened divorce and he knew she meant it.

Past that he said he was confused everything seemed to be ok from his point of view. [Read more...]

“What do you actually hear when I speak?” – Couples communication problems

One of the most fundamental challenges all couples face is understanding what the other is really saying to them.

If you can’t understand each other then gaining a connection that makes sense is going to become a monumental challenge.

The trend of what I see is the men admit to me they really don’t understand their wives and the women tell me they are being crystal clear to their husbands.

I’m generalising here of course.

In these situations, I have to help women understand what men hear when they speak and help men understand what she wants.

So many women I see cannot believe that their men don’t understand what they are saying, to them their messages are simple to understand so in her mind he, either doesn’t love her or there something wrong with him. [Read more...]

Foundations of successful marriages

There is no question that a significant percentage of the population is struggling to understand how to keep their marriage alive because they are missing the foundation you are about to read about.

By alive I mean passionate and emotionally connected whilst both excited about their future and purpose for being together.

So why is this so difficult for so many?

The real reason is simple…

It takes very little skill to fall in love but it takes real understanding to keep a loving passionate connection alive for life.

Building a successful marriage takes an understanding of critical foundations that if constantly practised gives couples a significantly better chance of keeping a marriage alive for life. [Read more...]

WHY are we struggling to fix our marriage problems?

In today’s post, I’m going to present some typical scenarios I might see in couples crisis meetings.

Once you have scanned through them I’m going to offer you some thoughts that are important to consider that could affect your future.

Here goes….

  • Why does a man keep his relationship alive with his wife for 20 years only to tell her out of the blue he wants a divorce?
  • Why does a woman become negative and controlling in her marriage?
  • Why does she never let go of anything?
  • Why does he diminish her feelings and never listen to her?
  • Why does a woman have a three-year affair and then spend every waking hour trying to save her relationship from divorce when he finds out? [Read more...]

7 Mistakes couples are making that can lead them to divorce

When I started researching relationships I was staggered at how much information I had to learn. For example, every couple is totally unique and they have created very unique ways to experience their problem(s). 

This meant every couple requires totally unique solutions based on a well-defined plan to help them solve their specific problem(s). This results in couples needing multiple approaches to interrupt and permanently correct corrosive patterns.

In today’s post, I’m going to share some of those patterns that help couple lose their connection without them knowing. This post is designed to help any couple reading this stop making their situations worse by either stopping the corrosive behaviour or to seeking help to stop out of control patterns.

1. Lose connection with yourself

It’s so easy to lose a connection with yourself in a relationship. [Read more...]

What does your partner really need to be happy?

If you want a successful relationship for life then meeting your partners’ core needs is going to be one of the critical elements to achieving this lifelong goal.

In essence meeting each other’s needs should be simple, but when you look closer you will discover many hidden challenges.

Most people don’t start looking at their relationship needs until it starts to become a problem. This decision is the big mistake everyone makes.

You see if you wait until the relationship is in trouble at this point the desire to meet needs is rarely high if you can’t trust your partner to meet your needs.

I was discussing this concept with a client this week. He was convinced he had done all he could and it was his wife who needed my help.  [Read more...]

What Really Saves a Couple from Divorcing?

When I look at all the couples that have successfully saved their marriage from the brink of divorce they all have the same thing in common.

At the start of the process:

  • They were sceptical they could actually be helped.
  • They have spent years going round in circles.
  • The all have moved to protect themselves from each other on some level.
  • They were exhausted.

I see this as a normal start.

  • What they did all bring to the table was a curiosity to learn and grow.

What I see at the core of a couple’s success is the ability to learn that their thinking although totally logical did not bring them to the truth of their relationship. [Read more...]

What’s killing the passion in so many marriages?

What you are about to read is so important to understand if you want an intimate relationship for life. Many couples have a very poor sexual connection but don’t know why. What happens for many is they kill their passion but still keep a certain level of connection alive.

A passionate connection has very specific foundations for couples to stay alive and passionate. What most couples are doing is killing their passion foundations without knowing.

So please take note

It’s impossible to keep love and passion alive whilst a person has to protect themselves emotionally from their partner so below are some of the actions that create those negative feelings and slowly kill the relationship.  [Read more...]

Masculine Women in Relationships

When a couple comes to see me it’s highly likely they have been suffering for a while so I do expect both people to have lost sight of who they really are in their marriage.

One of the challenges I see again an again is when a woman has taken on a masculine energy and it’s destructive for both people.

To be clear men can play a significant role in women becoming masculine, but that will not be covered in this post.

Masculine energy for women can be very useful for her or it can be destructive without her knowing.

Masculine energy can be useful so she can protect and stand up for herself and her children. It can be useful in business. I know and admire many very powerful women in business.  [Read more...]

Why men don’t listen to their wives…

Many women complain to me that their husband doesn’t listen or won’t listen to her. She can complain that he is emotionally unavailable or just not capable of an emotional connection, suggesting that he is broken. 

Not hearing her can leave her feeling disconnected, resentful, and lonely in the marriage.

For women communication is a critical part of building trust, deepening connection so she can feel safe to be herself in her marriage. This helps her to feel safe to love him.

If she can’t connect with him she can feel they are the wrong fit or he doesn’t care or she’s not enough for him. This will lead her to protect herself from him and now a vicious cycle can start.

>>>Today I’m going to share the real reason why men don’t listen to their wives. [Read more...]

He wanted to know what to do to fix it…

My mission is very simple, empower individuals to become valuable to themselves their partner and their relationship so they can be effective leaders for their children and each other.

To achieve this I offer 3 very simple steps to achieve 2 very powerful goals.

  1. I commit to my clients to provide a very clear theory as to why the process they are going through with me works as long as they follow it.
  2. Give them easy to learn steps that deal with complex challenges.
  3. I help the couple apply this knowledge practically to their marriage.

The two goals couples need to achieve is first to breakthrough their presenting challenges. The next goal is to make sure they have all the tools they need to successfully navigate their lives together. [Read more...]

Ten year marriage hits crisis – He shares his story

If you are reading this testimonial, it may be that you are in a similar place to where we were a few months ago and searching the internet for a possible solution, with low expectations.  I found these testimonials encouraging – hence offering one today (it is genuine).

Without going into details, following a “bump in the road”, our marriage was at a critical stage with a real risk of it ending – I (the husband) was at fault.  Although neither of us wanted this outcome after a relationship of almost ten years, it was hard to see a way out and how to change things.

This is where Stephen came to the rescue. [Read more...]

She’s lost sexual interest in him – Why?

If you are a woman wondering why you have lost attraction and sexual interest in your husband, or you are a man confused/upset because your wife no longer seems interested in sex this post is for you.

Many naturally feminine women are becoming stuck in a masculine identity in their relationship as their husbands are struggling to know what to do to keep their wives emotionally safe.

Most husbands know how to keep her physically safe, but emotional security is a totally confusing concept for so many men.

For many women in a long-term relationship the bridge to a sexual connection is preceded by a need for an emotional connection this is what she needs to align with him so attraction is created within her for him. [Read more...]

“My husband has no empathy” – Has she got this right?

Many women come into my sessions with this message “My husband has no empathy”. What she has experienced is there seems to be from her perspective little emotion from him and little understanding of what she is saying or going through. 

For her, he has little desire to share his feelings with her or to make any changes that help her connect with him. This will naturally affect her trust in him and her desire to trust he will be there for her.

Historically she is likely to have tried to get through to him. This leaves her with the impression she has to emotionally look after herself and she can start to struggle to see the point of him… [Read more...]

20 Relationship Facts Most People Don’t Know Are Damaging

Below is a list of challenges many people are not aware of that can have a profound affect on the quality of their relationship. It’s not in any kind of order so I wonder how many you are aware of.

1. If you protect yourself from the person you married the love will slowly die, this because you can’t love your partner and protect yourself from them at the same time.

2. Many women criticise their husbands because they think their husband will hear them and change. Criticism for men creates emotional distance from their wife, not a desire to change in the way she wants.

3. When women in relationships enter rage at their husbands they can communicate every wrong (in her mind) he has ever done, she can put it in the most hurtful way and not let it go. Men hear this this as an attack he has to protect himself from. [Read more...]

Exactly why do so many marriages struggle to make it! – How do you stop it from going wrong?

If you are one of those couples who’s worried about your future together, I know through my own personal life and relationship journey the ups and downs of getting it wrong is incredibly painful.

What I’ve learned in the past 30 years has really shocked me.

It shocked me because I never knew growing up from anyone what needs to happen for a marriage to really last and thrive – To be open with you I never thought I had to do much other than be a nice guy and work hard.

How wrong can you be… [Read more...]