No one wants to “WORK” at their relationship!?

I have to say, I can’t blame them… How many times have we heard that we have to work at our relationships. Do we listen to these words and think FANTASTIC I can’t wait, or do we shudder at the prospect. I mean it’s not an attractive prospect is it, at best it’s boring…

Isn’t the word “work” a suggestion that it’s going to be a labor, tough, hard, or something we do in return for something? Where does unconditional love fit in here?

Plus what kind of “work” are they suggesting. I’m a Relationship Coach and I’m not sold.

How about this…

If you were to take constant actions to do something, and it made you feel great, would you be more likely to do it?

Of course you would… If you enjoyed it would it feel like work? Of course not.

I help men and women discover how to change their behaviours so they can become successful with each other, once they get over the initial fear of doing something new, they embrace their new skills with both hands, quite literally in many cases.

You see getting a relationship to be successful is not “work” it is fun, but only when you know how.

It’s only work to those who have no idea what they are doing and so it’s the trial and error small successes and big failures that feel like hard work.

You maybe successful at creating a relationship that feels wrong, but here’s the good news, you know that what you practice consistently works. So all you have to do is practice something different and that will work too.

When you learn how to help your partner feel great about themselves in the context of you then they will stop at nothing to help you feel amazing about you too.

I know for a fact that when men learn the secrets to how to make their partners happy they will stop at nothing. When women learn what their men really want then the fun can start all over again…

No work, just fun and intelligent behaviours designed for relationship growth and lasting passion.

Interested, give me a call.

How To Win Your Husband Back

Readers question: How to win back your husband after he made up the decision to get a divorce?

We’ve been married for 3 years and 8 months now, I’m a Filipino and he’s Norwegian, we have fought almost everyday since we lived together we’ve got two kids (3 years old and 1 year old both are girls). We still living together, but totally no romance and no caring anymore. He gave up and he told me he don’t love me anymore and he will need to think that I don’t exist… its been like these since July 2010.

We’ve been to some family coaching office in Norway in June 2010. And they said its a culture conflict. After 3 sessions with them we’ve stopped my husband says they can’t help us. And after one week my husband told me that we can’t live together anymore, he does not want to stay on this relationship anymore and he will fight for kids custody. Two months ago my husband says his waiting for me to do something now about this relationship now… I can feel he wants me to disappear in his life, but I can’t leave my kids with him. Since we stopped the session we don’t fight anymore because we didn’t talk so much now. Were both living like strangers now.. I can’t think anymore how to please him to stay on this relationship.

Hi and thank you for your question.

Obviously I do not have all the information, but from what you have said I expect what your relationship coaches have said is true.

When two people get together it’s always a challenge for life to feel right for the couple if the way they have been brought up is very different. Its hard enough when two people from the same culture have been shown different ways to live, but when the cultures are so different then the couple really does have a challenge.

Having said all of that I want to give you some things to think about.

What is likely to have happened is due to the huge differences between you, you would probably have felt scared about your future with him, and him with you. You may not have felt secure or significant or loved in the way you expected.

The more insecure you felt the more you would test him to find out if he loved you in the way you wanted. The testing him would come out in many ways, but has resulted in arguments.

What he would do is to either defend his actions by arguing back, or he would run away in someway, this could be to go out or shut down.

If this has happened everyday this is exhausting for both of you. So I can see how he wants it to stop. The only solution he sees is for you to be removed from his life.

Lack of understanding is the key if all this is the case. He has missed your real message and that is you don’t feel secure.

If he knew that was your real message, he would not react in the same way.

The reason is this: Men are hard wired to want to please their partners. The main reason he has stopped is because he will have gathered enough proof that no matter what he does he cannot please you.

If he can’t do that, for him the relationship is over.

So the key in all this is how to rebuild the trust between you. Understanding what you both need for a relationship to be successful. Then become committed to meeting those needs plus understanding each others real verbal and non-verbal messages.

Men and women communicate in totally different ways. Men on the whole are very direct and use few words and they mostly mean exactly what they say. Women will use indirect language that can hold a multitude of meanings.

For example: When testing him you might communicate things which to him are not factually true, but you feel them emotionally in the moment. He will argue about the facts of your words and as he does you will escalate the argument as you feel he is more interested in the facts and himself than giving you the love and security you need.

So if you want this man back, help him to feel like a man because this is what he wants. Help him to feel successful with you, show him that he has the power to please you.

Help him know that you don’t feel safe and how he can fix it. The more successful he feels with you more secure he will feel about the future of the relationship. The more he feels like a man, the greater the chances of him helping you feel more like the woman you really want to be.

So jump out of the fearful version of you and become the best partner you can be and love him, you now have nothing to lose.

I hope that helps a little

Relationship problems won’t stop – what do you do?

You feel stuck, on one hand you have feelings of love for what you used to have together, but you also know that every day you feel unhappy it’s getting worse and now you can’t see a future together.

You just want to get back to where you were.

Men and women will approach this situation differently, women will usually want to complain, or talk and test their partners love for them. Men will either shutdown, run, argue or just do what they’re are told (for a quiet life).

This method of fixing the relationship is usually built around punishment.

Is this you? Have you been punishing your partner to get them to change?

Consider this… When in your past have you been punished by your partner and then felt more love for them after?

I expect your answer is never!

Yes this never works, so instead of fighting or punishing convert all that energy into loving them more.

If your expectation is that you want your partner to be the best they can be for you, why not practice what you preach and be the best you can be for them first.

You are conditioned by society to punish when someone has done something wrong. In relationships it never ever works.

If in the past you feel your punishment has worked you can bet that your partner did what you wanted with a side order of attaching resentment to you.

Resentment is never far away from a lack of respect and that’s very close to the end of your relationship.

Why Assumptions Can Harm Relationships

Many couples argue about what the other person meant when they said something.

This process starts when one person listens to their partners words, and converts those words into their own meanings, and then repeats back their translation, making their partner responsible for that translation and the new meaning behind it.

Of course the person doing the translating is making a massive assumption, that they understand the intention behind their partners words.

  • There is no way any of us can truly understand what is in someone’s mind when they speak to us, so making any assumption to the real meaning is unfair on both you, and your partner.

We need assumptions in day-to-day life

The problem is we live every day making assumptions about everything, we do it because it is a short cut to getting through our day. Imagine having to know the exact meaning behind everything anyone says to us, we would never get anything done.

Assumptions in relationships tend to create conflict

However where your partner is concerned making an assumption is a dangerous game, because we are socially conditioned to think the worst first.

So what happens is, if we are confused by what our partners say, we translate it into something that makes sense to us and then we tell our partners what they meant. This creates fury in those being blamed for saying something they didn’t and an argument erupts.

If you are the victim of this situation, what is most upsetting is the automatic assumption that our partner has assumed we would do something to hurt them on purpose.

This is because it shakes the core foundations of our relationships, “trust, respect, integrity, honesty etc…” Plus we feel judged and made to feel wrong. This now creates a two way street of resentment in the relationship in that moment.

  • Resentment is a pathway to a break-up and so we can feel insecure and uncomfortable about the relationship.

Men and women communicate in very different ways

The big reason why getting clear on your partner meanings is so critical is because men and women also communicate very differently. Men tend to be very direct in their communication and women can be indirect.

So if a man is listening to a woman his chances of understanding her true meaning if he takes her words literally are very slim, especially if she is upset and she is testing him, because she feels unsafe on some level.

Of course the woman will do the same, for example if the man is quiet she will assume something is wrong. That because when women go quiet generally there is something wrong. But for men they are happy when they are quiet.

These are of course generalisation and potentially assumptions as not all men are from mars and not all women are from venus, so the message here is clear...

…Know you can never possibility know what you partner means, so you can never make them wrong in the moment. Discover their meanings behind their words or actions by asking. When they tell you what they meant, accept what they say because they understand their meanings far more than you do.

If you are going to make an assumption, always assume your partner loves you, even when it seems like they don’t.

  • If you would like more information on the sexes and the differences in communication or you are having communication issues in your relationship contact me today.

Relationship Advice Index 24/09/2010

As StephenHedger.com gets bigger it’s sometimes a challenge to find exactly what you are looking for. So for those that have just joined and for those who have been following my post for a while please go below for a snap shot of what is freely available.

Please remember I am always available to answer your questions.

 

Relationship Advice Index

Couples Communication Problems

In nearly all my couples session there is one consistent problem couples experience and that is the couple communicate to each other as if their genders and their differences do not exist. If you understand the differences you will save your relationship.

So a man will listen to his wife as if she is a man talking to him. A woman will listen to her husband as if he is a woman talking her.

When this happens neither person in the relationship will feel heard or understood and over time this will build high levels of frustration and potential proof that the relationship is no longer working.

When the couple do this the meanings behind their words are never understood and so conflict is never far away.

The couple have failed to understand each other and when this happen critical needs stop being met and the relationship slowly starts to die.

The relationship can be saved as soon as the couple understand the gender differences and see their partners  intentions were not destructive they were simple receiving the wrong message.

Men and women are totally different

The truth is men and women communicate in totally different ways, men are very direct in their approach and women use indirect language.

For example: If two women were talking about going to a party and one brought up the thought of another woman wearing the same dress as her. See might say “…if that happened I would just die!”

To a man this is ridiculous, “…of course you won’t die!”

If a man dating a woman says I can’t see you Saturday. What he means is I can’t see you Saturday! And that’s all he means. A woman will hear a thousand possible reasons behind his words. He’s going off me, I’m too fat, he likes someone else… etc, etc.

  • Understand there are differences and you’ll start be open to explore how to be successful.

So in a conflict situation when she is making him responsible for everything wrong in her life she is actually crying for help because on some level she feels unsafe and she wants him to make her safe again. So she will test him to see if he will look after her. Men at this point have a tendency to run away either physically or mentally, now she feels really unsafe with him.

When he shuts down or runs away, he is stuck, frustrated, hurt not knowing what to do.

Be under no illusion he wants with all of his heart to make his woman happy and she wants to feel safe. They both want the same things it’s just confusion that creates the conflicts that ultimately leads to the couples separation.

The goal is to discover how to help each other to be successful by understanding the intent behind each others words and not making them wrong in their approach.

How To Stop Our Arguments?

The way to stop your arguments is to understand them and know how potentially destructive they are being to your relationship.

Those that try to win arguments end up paying a bigger price

Many people have a destructive illusion that trying to win arguments is their goal because if they do win (whatever that means) what happens is they are left with an unhappy partner, and this equals trouble too.

So there are no winners in arguments. If you make this your goal, you’ll generate a partner that will never be the one you want, because you will be resented and that can eventually lead to a relationship break-up.

Fears block understanding

Your goal in a disagreement is understanding, but the reason couples don’t focus on understanding their problem is because all they see is trouble, and then they fear a future that might be generated by the argument, or they fear the future that created the argument..

That future could be a split, lack of respect, being controlled, never being free, being abandoned, or rejected,…this is potentially a very long list.

From these places of fear, the couple aggressively go round in circles trying to fix what they believe to be wrong, but they do it through blame, or defending their words.

The reason they go round in circles never getting to the answer is because what they are fighting about is not their real problem.

Couples try to fix the wrong problem

It’s like trying to stop a tap leaking by closing the front door. Yes it’s as ridiculous as that, but couples don’t know this and they keep slamming that door expecting the leak to stop, but of course it never does.

  • Moaning, blaming, defending, shouting, making your partner wrong, judging them. Have you ever know this to be the route to a loving unconditional relationship.

Start understanding and get good information fast

If men could understand that their women are shouting at them because they don’t feel safe, or if women understood that the reason men run away is because they never feel they can make her happy, then the relationships would be so much easier.

Of course this is a huge simplification of any conflict, but just understanding this will start to help you understand that there is an underlying intention behind anyone’s words or behaviours in an argument and taking them literally is dangerous for your relationship.

Understand your partner now!

Relationships have to be learnt just like any other skill. Thinking that long lasting unconditional relationships  are natural is also a dangerous illusion. Nature only ever intended the sexual attraction to be real. The rest of what we believe a relationship to be about is made up by man, that’s why after the initial sexual buzz that was automatic, we have to now make lots of effort to keep our relationships alive.

  • If your partner is shouting at you, know that they fear something, so shouting back is only going to make them more worried.

It’s likely that their shouting is a cry for help, and they want you to help them which is why they are shouting at you.

You might feel good when you are right, but be careful that you don’t end up being right and alone.

Relationship Help & Advice Index

For the benefit of those of you who have just joined, below are posts from the last few weeks that could be the one thing that will trigger a change in you to see your life and relationship differently.

To your success

Stephen Hedger

Relationship Coach

Any questions please don’t hesitate in asking.

He Never Wants To Talk About Our Problems

It’s generally women that generate the need to come for relationship coaching with the complaint that
he never wants to talk about our problems“.

Many women experience this frustration and so they feel that their partner does not care about them, and so she is left to sort out their problems on her own, and this starts to build resentment in her towards her man.

I’ll explain why he is never keen on talking!

…and how to open him up

A  man will only want to fix a problem that he knows he can fix. If he knows he will fail, he will be very reluctant to try, because his job is always to please his woman and fix the problems.

Failure to fix her problems and make her happy could mean a failed relationship in his mind, and so he is likely to  run when she says “we need to talk”.

To a man “we need to talk” = the end of the relationship!

Can you now see why he is not keen to talk, he wants to save the relationship too. You actually share the same goal just your perspectives are different.

This is why a relationship for a man is like a minefield of pain if it starts to go wrong, because he is so frustrated inside and is stuck, torn with what to do. So he does nothing and it’s this behaviour that frustrates women.

He also dislikes speaking and especially about feelings, so don’t be too hard on him because unlike women men are really not designed to engage in this way, men are not deep voiced, big hairy women.

He does love you and he does care, he just doesn’t know how to fix this!

So if you want to engage with him then speaking to him like he is a woman will never work.

Approach your man in a way that he understands.

For example:

Tell him the problem you are having and the meaning that you put to it and do it without blame.

“when you leave your socks on the floor and I keep complaining that you don’t pick them up, and you ignore my request, it makes me feel that I am not important to you. If that feels true for me then I start to create a fear that the relationship might be under threat and this makes me feel unsafe and unhappy.”

“I need you to make me feel safe and that you will be with me forever, it not really about the socks I just need to know I am appreciated and loved.”

Then tell him what you now need, a hug, or a kiss or loving words. Teach him what you need so he starts to learn how you work so he can be successful at pleasing you.

Many women believe a man should just understand her, but how can he. He is not a mind reader and half the time she does not understand herself, so he has no chance!

You have now given him the process your mind has gone through and where his socks on the floor might lead you to emotionally and what you need to feel better.

Now he understands how to fix you and how to make you happy now he feels like a man again.

You now both have what you really want!

Body Language Hands Feet & Body

In this weeks “Who is attracted to you” body language series we will look at the body and what’s it doing to communicate attraction to others.

Next time you are out, start to notice what others are doing because their body is giving off signals constantly and we are picking up these signals and converting them into meanings without knowing, so lets turn these subconscious messages into conscious messages.

Body language makes up for 70%+ of our communication, so people don’t have to speak to tell you how they are feeling and if they are interested in you.

What’s really important to decipher all these messages is not just to look for one or two signals because these could be an accident, so look for a multiple signals.

Body Language Tips

It’s logical to know that if someone is attracted to you they will want to look their best for you. So their mind will be directed to their self-image and what they look like. This will focus them to their own hair and clothes and without knowing they will start to preen themselves, they will adjust their hair, and straighten and tidy their clothes.

Men will try to make themselves look bigger, with puffed out chests, legs apart, maybe even thumbs in jeans and elbows out, anything to be bigger than they really are, women will try to look smaller with crossed legs and arms in tight. You may notice tall women can develop a slight stoop as she tries to look shorter.

Both men and women will subconsciously point their feet to the person they are attracted to. So they could be chatting with friends in a bar and pointing their feet at you.

They will do the same with hands, they will be directing you their hand to what they want you to see on them or they will be pointing at you, could be whilst holding a glass.

Listen to the voices

Men will lower their voices when around women they are attracted to and women’s voices will become higher. Nature has designed us to be attracted to the differences in the sexes so our reflex response is to create exaggerated differences without knowing.

  • If you work with a female boss you will notice that she has had to make her voice become lower. She has done this without knowing, so she can survive in the male business world.

A group of women in a bar will become louder with giggles, shrieks and a full range of female sounds designed to attract near by attractive males.

A man who is with a group of his friends will stand outside of the group so possible female admirers can get a good look at him.

There are many more things to look out for, but this will help you notice what you notice about the world you are in.

The key is to notice as many signals as possible then when the person is not looking move to a different position so you can still see them. If they turn to look to where you were originally standing/sitting and then scan the room for you, then you know for sure they are attracted.

The acid test is lots of eye contact combined with a confident smile. If you receive this then you now need to discover what to do next.

How To Get Men To Share Their feelings

This is a little like getting a child to walk, you have to give constant encouragement and help them to know they will be safe if they do, because men have good reason to believe that’s not true.

The problem is that men are scared to share their true feeling because they believe they will always get a bad reaction from the women in their lives.

How do men know this?

At some point in your relationship or in past relationships your man may have opened up. The women they trusted with this information put her own meaning on his words, converted his words to mean something bad for her and then made him responsible for the way she has made herself feel.

That resulted in at least 3 hours of crisis talks as he had to comfort her whilst trying to explain how he didn’t mean what she said he said.

Is he like to do that again? NO WAY!

Women have taught men that opening up true feelings is like opening Pandora’s box.

Men will open up if you show him that doing it will be safe with you. Don’t tell him this because he will think it’s a trap. Although your man loves you and he knows you love him, he also knows you set up traps, and when you speak he is waiting for one to appear.

He will want to be a man in your eyes so he will not share his feeling in the same way as your girl friends do, again he will be scared of your reaction and the possibility that you will lose respect for him as a man.

The way to a mans feelings is by showing him that you want to understand the true meanings behind his words, not the meanings from a womans perspective, if you do that he will trust you, but you have to be consistent, first sign of trouble and you’ll have to start build trust back all over again.

When he knows he can trust you with his words then he will slowly open up.

My advice is this, men have very simple operating systems, unlike yours, he means what he says. His words maybe short and to-the-point, but choose to convert them to mean wonderful things and always assume that he means well.

Don’t convert his words in to yours and then worry about your translation, because you are hurting the relationship with untruths driven by YOUR fears.

Maybe the truth is the reason you want to know what he is feeling is because you fear you are not enough for him?

If this is true then he will sence your fear, he will feel that he is unsuccessful at making you happy, and this will help him to feel less of a man.

What do you think he will do, if he feels this?

What Do Women Really Want?

Confused men sit shaking their heads with a question they never seem to get the answer to “What do women really want?”.

For example: He can do the same thing two days running and get totally different reactions from her? A mans logic will never understand this, so lets look inside her mind to understand what’s happening.

Socks on the floor again -  Clearly he doesn’t care about me!

Women are brilliant at turning things or situations into meanings. Women are constantly looking for the meanings behind what their men are doing, or not doing, and there is a lot of things he might not be doing.

She wants to keep checking that everything is OK, that she’s safe, and secure as she paints an picture of a future he’d better not spoil.

Men rarely feel unsafe, but women can feel unsafe many times a day.  When she feels unsafe she has to get tough and strong, but don’t be fooled, this is her mask, inside every woman is the real her screaming to get out.

But unless she meets a man who can help her feel safe, she will stay tough to survive.

Where she really wants to be

In a woman’s heart is the core of who she is, all that’s great about her sits in here. This is where she feels safe and where she can trust her decisions. When she connects with her heart, her true self, she becomes who she wants to be, free, relaxed, peaceful, secure and totally happy free from fear.

If her man can help her unlock the pathway to her heart and help her connect with that part of herself everyday then he will become the man she has dreamed of.

BUT…

The challenge is this, women live most of their lives in their head. It’s very busy and very noisy. Lots to do and worry about. There may even be a few voices shouting abuse in there “… you’re not good enough” or  “…you’re too fat for those jeans”. Combine this with chemical reactions each month that men have no clue about and yes …men have a challenge!

Also you have to combat the other women who she connects with. They feed her with more worry because a group of women will connect through their problems and fears and this raises her awareness of her problems as she connects with others who are also lost.

She will love the connection with her friends as now she’s not alone and feels important to them, but her problems are now bigger because 4 different opinions have confused her.

Her only stop left is her man relaxing after a hard day unaware of the potential storm heading his way.

What will happen and how can he help her connect with her true self?

Find out tomorrow…

How To Get The Man You Want & Keep Him

There is nothing worse than thinking you have found the man of your dreams only to lose him, and not really understand why.

Most women assume too early on that sleeping with her man is the route to his heart because she is giving him what he wants.

If you want him to respect you, then you have to respect you first. Make him see how valuable you are to him. He will never mind waiting if he really likes you, plus he will see excitement in the chase. When he knows that you only do

Men Are Killing Their Own Sex Lives Without Knowing!

I am calling on all men to stand-up and be a man fast!

If you don’t, you can kiss goodbye to your sex life today!

Why am I saying this? Because men all over the world are confused, and this confusion is destroying their relationships. Whilst the men are trying to workout what’s going on in their relationships the women feel they have no choice, but to take control.

Here’s the thing, your wife or girlfriend wants you to be the man in your relationship. She won’t tell you this directly, but if you do not prove to her you are strong enough to look after her emotional needs then she will have no choice, but to become the man in your relationship, and she will not be happy about that.

She wants you to be the man

Why? Because she wants to be the beautiful desirable woman not the man. She will struggle with being both, but survival always comes first for her, especially if she has children. So if she feels the man is weak, she will worry and so passion will always be the last thing on her mind.

In today’s society you can see women having to get tough everywhere and in all so-called social classes. Single mums for example have to get tough to survive and if they live too long in this masculine roll they get stuck there, afraid to let go.

Then what happens is her masculine persona is in need of balance, and so without knowing she automatically attracts a weaker man. What she really needs is a man stronger than her so she can revert back to being the woman she really wants to be.

But she will not do that unless she is 1000% sure she can trust him to be that man for her, and she may avoid stronger men fearful of losing the control that kept her safe.

Women who are in top jobs experience the same problem, because they have to survive in a masculine world and so they have to act like men that look like women. Tough women love the power they have, but secretly they also long for a strong man.

The hen-pecked husband

Another victim is the hen-pecked husband. How does this happen? What men know and what many women won’t believe is this.

All men want to do is please her. If he discovers he cannot please her he will either leave or stay with her, but give up trying. So if women never show their partners they are pleased with what they do, or they are too controlling, negative, or overly critical, the man will start to compromise himself to try to please her.

She will then feel insecure with him and so she may cause massive rows that to a man make no sense. But her message to him is clear. You are putting this relationship at risk if you cannot even stand up to me, a woman, and prove to me everything will be OK.

She sees his behaviour as a lack of strength, and so her respect for him will start to diminish and so the beaten man gets weaker and weaker and she ends up loving him like a child. Telling him off and putting him down. It does not take a rocket scientist to know their sex life is going to be a dead one.

So men, the lesson is clear.

She needs the strength of a real man, one she can depend on no matter what happens. A man who will always be there for her, forever. When she feels this security from him only then will she let go and become the feminine woman, very happy to help him  become the man you both can enjoy.

Become who you are designed to be, and watch your relationship and passion come alive. Live in the wrong versions of yourself and expect pain misery, and that‘s right! Zero passion.

Why Women Take So Long To Get Ready To Go Out

Women take forever to get ready for everything and frustrated men spend hours of their lives pacing, waiting for them to emerge. Is there a possibility that the men fuel the wait? Relationship coach explains what happens and why.

Have you ever noticed that when your wife/girlfriend is getting ready to go out with you, she will change into many outfits trying to get the look just perfect.

You know that she always looks great, but every time she asks your opinion, no matter what you say she nearly always changes outfits and combinations and colours, bags and shoes, hair up or down. Too much flesh or not enough.

Whilst the combination to the perfect outfit is being deciphered you know you’re going to be late. You can feel yourself becoming agitated and even though she knows this, she still keeps changing more and more.

The changing becomes accelerated the more you say you like it and the later you become.

So! What starts off as a fun evening out is now a night filled with tension.

Here is the deal guys: It’s your behaviour that made her late and I’ll tell you why.

What she looks like is not the key to speeding things along. What’s important to her is how she feels about how she looks, that is the secret.

So if she asks you what looks better the red shoes, or the black ones? If you tell her the red ones are the best, you are slowing her down, or if you say the black ones are best you are still slowing her down.

Confused!? This is why… This is your lesson gentlemen!

By making a choice of just red or black, does not help her to feel anything. She has to feel some thing good before she can make a decision and so she starts to feel confused.

Confusion helps her to feel worse, combined with thoughts that you don‘t care about how she looks. This is proved by your lack of interest and anger at her for wanting to look beautiful for you. So maybe this could be an underlying  relationship problem. Now she’s really driven to look really amazing which is going to take much longer for her to achieve.

Do you see what you did…! You put the foundations of the relationship into question.

Here is what you should have said: But take your time and have a really good look, she will notice if your attention is not on her.

  • “The red ones are best because they make your legs look a lovely shape and that really shows off your figure.”

Or

  • “I love you in the red shoes because it reminds me of our second date in Oxford.”

Or

  • “I have always loved your legs and the red ones make them look amazing because they look so long and sexy!”

NOW She knows that she has your total attention, and now she trusts that you love her enough to want her to feel good about herself. You share in her priority which is to look and feel good. Now she can relax knowing that she has achieved what she wants and she has feeling of security with you too.

Remember she would rather turn up late looking amazing than on time feeling that she looks a wreck. In fact if she doesn’t feel good about herself, then she may not go out at all, because her evening would make her feel awful about herself and a whole evening of that is far too painful to entertain.

The word “because” is a powerful word for her here and the evening is likely to be now one that you’ll love too, because now she feels slim and sexy and she has attached those feeling to you.

This simple lesson is the secret key to your woman. Understand what she wants to feel and then help her to feel that.

Affairs & Why They Happen

When either a man or a woman in a relationship embarks on an affair the reasons are because they believe or feel that their needs are not being met in the relationship.

There is never a good reason for an affair, because if the relationship has problems then the couple needs to address their problems. The answers to their problems are never outside the relationship and the pain affair causes is never worth the perceived pleasure it brings.

The problem is, the emotions that drive affairs are never rational and so affairs will keep happening.

Most assume these needs are sex, but very often it runs far deeper than that, other critical factors to those individuals are driving them to act.

What causes an affair

To start with those that have affairs may not  feel good about themselves, or something, and have attached those feelings to their current relationship. So whatever they are missing they will start to search elsewhere to have those feelings met.

They might not feel significant to their partner and an affair will make that person feel important at that moment. They may not feel secure in their current relationship and so an affair helps them to forget their problems and gives them artificial pockets of security.

They may not feel loved or they could be missing excitement as their own relationship becomes boring.

Or maybe it is as simple as their relationship is lacking the type of passion they want, they either can’t get want they want from their partner or are afraid to ask for it.

If years of feeling this way is added to a relationship that has stopped growing then that relationship will struggle to compete with the excitement of an affair.

It’s true that men are more likely to stray than women because

  1. They are designed to impregnate many women through instinct.
  2. Their minds are built differently to women’s and so the connect between love and sex is not the same as for women.

This is why in affairs women are most likely to break off an affair because they cannot see an emotional future where the man will be happy with just sex.

She will ask

When a woman is a victim of an affair one of her big questions will be, “do you love her?” this is because from a woman’s perspective she is designed to see love and sex as, one of the same, or at least directly connected together.

The man will say about his affair “it meant nothing” when he says this he is telling the truth, because for him love and sex are separate.

In contrast if a woman has an affair and says “…it meant nothing” then because she is designed to see that connection as more than sex then she will not be telling the whole truth.

What’s important is, if you are thinking of having an affair or you are the victim, know that it’s the missing needs in your relationship is what’s driving the affair to happen.

Look after your relationships and do all you can to understand how they work and more than that what you have to do to ensure your relationship stays safe.

He never wants to talk anymore?

One of the biggest problems women have with their men is that they don

How to communicate with women

One of the biggest complaints I hear from men is how hurt they are at the words that their wives use. Men hear the words that women use and take them quite literally.

  • For example: You never pay me a compliment! The woman will be focused on wanting to be appreciated loved and feel attractive to her husband. The man however will be focused on the word

Differences Between The Sexes – Communication

Have you ever wondered why men and women struggle to understand each other?

There are many, many reasons, but here is one that might help.

Do you notice that women can talk and talk and talk and never really seem to have a point. For example they can go on a shopping trip and talk at length at everything they did and saw, tried on liked and disliked.

Why when women talk about their day like this do men switch off.

Do the men not love their partners?…

Are the men bored of hearing the women talk, is this a sign something is going wrong in the relationship, do you both need to talk about he fact your not talking like you both used to?

No the men get frustrated because they are constantly looking for ways to help women (note if he has stopped doing this then there will be a reason), the longer there is nothing to fix the more frustrated they become and so they give up.

The woman notices everything and so she sees the man give up and then gives it a meaning, such as he is going off her, doesn

She Is Looking Angry What Do You Do?

Through a lack of understanding between the sexes and what each other needs, men and women can get into conflict very quickly. So a little knowledge can turn a potential war into loving.

The first rule is don