“Our marriage is in crisis! Tell us exactly what we have to do to fix it?”

If your marriage isn’t working for any reason it’s a horrible experience, so when you have exhausted all avenues what next?

This lady has kindly taken time to share her experience of a first meeting with Stephen (The initial Consultation). She wanted a way forward, but really couldn’t see how they could ever make it work.

Q: What attracted you to Stephen?

A: I looked online trying to get a bit of help just because I didn’t know any other way and Stephens website stood out in terms of what he offered, it would appear that all the other counsellors and therapists just sort of listen and don’t actually give any advice. [Read more...]

What were you thinking?

Here is what I discovered about life that we don’t get taught at any school. Today I’m going to take a deeper look into why so many people struggle with their relationships and lives. This could be what you are looking for…

It’s so easy to do what will make us successful, but it’s also so easy to do what will cause us problems.

You see lots of decisions can put you on a path of success, or failure. The problem is we have been conditioned that if it doesn’t affect us today, then why worry or take action.

The path to success, or not, is created through our philosophies, our thinking.  [Read more...]

Simple laws of life…

The most natural thing to do when life seems to be going wrong is to feel consumed by all your problems. You could talk to others about your problems, play them over and over in your mind. It could be that when life goes wrong you have learnt that worry is what you do, maybe mum was a worrier, or dad didn’t trust people.

Whatever you do when things go wrong is learnt, but there is an outcome that worry creates as the natural laws of life come into play.

  • If you expect to fail, expect to fail.
  • If you focus on worry, your life will be full of worry.
  • If you think you can’t do some thing then you you’ll be right.
  • If you look for what’s wrong you find lots of things that are wrong.
  • If you hold back love expect love to be on hold.
  • If you focus on a life you don’t want, expect to get that life.
  • If you feel you are not lucky, luck will avoid you.

People that are conditioned to be negative and sceptical certainly have their place. For example [Read more...]

When did you and I stop being us?

She sat hands clasped, lacking in confidence and underweight through worry.  I was exploring with her what their relationship was like in the first year. She was suffering from fears created by a traumatic past that needed understanding and removing, so I had invited her for a one-on-one session with me.

As she started to tell the stories of what they used to do, how they used to play together, do daft things in public, her face starting to light up and she smiled as she relived those moments where she was happy, clearly connected to her true feminine self.

As she drifted into that world that filled her with joy, startled she broke her own trance, hand over her mouth she gasped… [Read more...]

Is Your Partner Trying to Control You?

Do you feel that you are in a constant power struggle with your partner? Is this wearing you out? Do you worry about what the future will look like if this continues?

Control takes many forms, not all control is bad. For example if a man is in control of his ability to passionately love his partner in the way she wants, then this is a form of control that benefits them both.

Control in the negative  is usually based around a fear of some kind.

Control is a persons’ method of trying to rebalance their world so they feel ok, if this is based on fears such as losing love, or not feeling they are enough in some way, then emotions can run high and they will control to feel normal or get rid of their pain. [Read more...]

My Partner Doesn’t Understand Me!?

We can all feel at times that our partners just don’t understand us. We watch as they try to make sence of what we have done or said and come up with a totally different meaning to the one we meant. We watch as they become disappointed, or upset at what we never meant. Plus it doesn’t seem to matter how many times we repeat, that’s not what I meant, or that not what I said they refuse to listen.

We can start to worry that our partners will never understand us…

The result is we feel frustrated, angry and upset, because what to us is clear communication, to them is clearly not getting through.

Couples across the world are experiencing this strange phenomena where even through we speak the same language in our case english we feel that we may as well be speaking another.

Heartfelt understanding is the key

One of the starting points of any session with me is for couples to learn how to create this understanding. Through our own experience of the world growing up we create a map which helps us make sence of how the world works. That map is 100% unique to us, others do not share our map or the experiences that made up our map.

So based on one person map, what seems obvious to them, may not be so true for others.

So what makes up someones map? The map is the some total of all our experiences and beliefs from our time on this planet. So you and your partner will have totally different experiences of what equals normal and from this create very unique needs.

Plus your map is experienced through your state at any given time, so an event is understood through your map of how the world works, but if you are sad, angry, frustrated depressed your experience through your map will also change.

Now add in your gender

Our gender is also a big part of our map and how we experience the world. If you are female you are more likely to be fearful day-to-day, men don’t experience this. If you are female your core needs structure in the way you experience the world will be different. If you get angry with your partner what you really want is to be loved, men don’t feel this way through anger.

If your man gets present with you and you can feel his love through his presence it fills you up inside. Men don’t have this experience hence after dating they stop and this creates feeling of being disconnected, this creates fear.

If a man feels he cannot please his partner this to him is a living hell, she doesn’t feel this way.

When she screams at him to “go away I hate you!” what she means is “don’t leave I love you, I just feel scared!”.

When he runs away or gets angry or frustrated it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it means he is in so much pain at his clear failure to make you happy.

You see when you put your understanding of how the world works when communicating with others you only experience one truth. In any situation there are hundreds of truths.

Feeling not enough

Many of us have this feeling at some point in our lives this becomes part of our map. It most likely comes from our parents through years of feeling that what we did or said was never good enough on some level. BUT think about it for you did they ever tell you, you were not good enough, or was it you that created that meaning?

You see if we are to really understand our world and those we love we have to get the perspectives that will serve us.

In this case an event which is meaningless until WE give it a meaning, such as the behaviours of others is only given a meaning by us through our experience of our lives so far. We are the ones giving the world meaning.

IMPORTANT:

As we grow up we forget we are the creators of our own experience and so we become our own creations from those experiences. Through this misunderstanding of ourselves we lose control of our own understanding of ourselves this creates our fears and we live distorted lives.

By learning how you create meanings to your experience puts you back in the position of being the creator again and back to true you. From this place you have less fear, and are more open to wanting to learn about how your partner works without judgement.

This is the place where understanding can be yours, and you can be truly connected with you.

So if you feel that

  • My boyfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My husband doesn’t understand me
  • My girlfriend doesn’t understand me
  • My wife doesn’t understand me

Know that there is far more to what you feel than meets the eye.

I’m constantly in fear of losing him…

Whats interesting about this message is, that the focus on losing him will make losing him a possibility. If you are in this place, or you know of  a friend who has this worry the best way to help is through understanding.

Have a think about these words

  • How attractive is the person that is always worrying?
  • The person worrying is likely to be very behaving differently from the happy version of her
  • Controlling behaviours are very likely
  • Loss of emotional control through fear
  • Maybe looking for proof he will go

You see the best way to keep your man is to become an amazing you, if you worry and focus negatively you become internally focused and on a search for more  problems. Of course you will find them which will help you to worry more. In this place you will want to protect you, and so you may pull your love away just in case, of course he feels this and will start to feel he is failing you.

  • Your focus on your problems is helping him to feel bad about himself, if this goes on for too long he will attach those bad feeling to you.

The best way to keep your partner is to change your focus from worry about losing him to a new question focused on keeping him. What kind of man does my husband or partner want to be, and what kind of behaviours in a woman would he find attractive?

You only have to look back to your dating days to find answers…

What I am saying is switch your focus to becoming an amazing you. The fearful you is hurting you both. Your mission is to create a new confident you one that understands your own needs, one that knows how to give herself what she needs and is then free to fearlessly give to her partner what he needs.

The focus of this new woman is on growth and contribution, her focus is on where she is going and who she wants to be, so she feels safe to give.

If you are interested to learn more about how to stop negative behaviours and build confidence please get in touch today.

What Will Ruin Your Relationships & Empty Your Wallet?

These are the focuses of the mind that you need to make your enemy before they take control of you.

Indifference: This will put you on any path that comes along, from here you are out of control drifting though life, fingers crossed something will change. Of course things will change, you’ll be older and drifting.

Indecision: Will steal from you the opportunities that present themselves to you, it will even stop you looking for what you really need.

Doubt: Not everything is this world is going to be good for you, but if you let doubt become apart of you, where you doubt everything including yourself then trouble is going to be yours.

Worry: The process of worry is designed to tell you something has to change. If all you do is worry and take no action for growth then you become the the worry, at that point it’s really time to worry, because now you’re really stuck. [Read more...]

Relationship Master Skill FIVE of SEVEN

Yesterday we looked at how anyone can reignite the passion in their relationship and can give themselves permission to drop the accepted assumption that Relationships + Time automatically equals a loss of passion.

  • What we are getting to now is honesty in your relationship.
  • I have a question for you, is “honesty” important to you? I expect the answer is yes.
  • When is honesty important? Is it some of the time or all of the time? I expect you’ll want honesty all of the time.

Many couples I work with, and I see a lot every year all have one thing in common, they are not honest with each other and more importantly they are not honest with themselves. [Read more...]

How To Stop Our Arguments?

The way to stop your arguments is to understand them and know how potentially destructive they are being to your relationship.

Those that try to win arguments end up paying a bigger price

Many people have a destructive illusion that trying to win arguments is their goal because if they do win (whatever that means) what happens is they are left with an unhappy partner, and this equals trouble too.

So there are no winners in arguments. If you make this your goal, you’ll generate a partner that will never be the one you want, because you will be resented and that can eventually lead to a relationship break-up.

Fears block understanding

Your goal in a disagreement is understanding, but the reason couples don’t focus on understanding their problem is because all they see is trouble, and then they fear a future that might be generated by the argument, or they fear the future that created the argument..

That future could be a split, lack of respect, being controlled, never being free, being abandoned, or rejected,…this is potentially a very long list.

From these places of fear, the couple aggressively go round in circles trying to fix what they believe to be wrong, but they do it through blame, or defending their words.

The reason they go round in circles never getting to the answer is because what they are fighting about is not their real problem.

Couples try to fix the wrong problem

It’s like trying to stop a tap leaking by closing the front door. Yes it’s as ridiculous as that, but couples don’t know this and they keep slamming that door expecting the leak to stop, but of course it never does.

  • Moaning, blaming, defending, shouting, making your partner wrong, judging them. Have you ever know this to be the route to a loving unconditional relationship.

Start understanding and get good information fast

If men could understand that their women are shouting at them because they don’t feel safe, or if women understood that the reason men run away is because they never feel they can make her happy, then the relationships would be so much easier.

Of course this is a huge simplification of any conflict, but just understanding this will start to help you understand that there is an underlying intention behind anyone’s words or behaviours in an argument and taking them literally is dangerous for your relationship.

Understand your partner now!

Relationships have to be learnt just like any other skill. Thinking that long lasting unconditional relationships  are natural is also a dangerous illusion. Nature only ever intended the sexual attraction to be real. The rest of what we believe a relationship to be about is made up by man, that’s why after the initial sexual buzz that was automatic, we have to now make lots of effort to keep our relationships alive.

  • If your partner is shouting at you, know that they fear something, so shouting back is only going to make them more worried.

It’s likely that their shouting is a cry for help, and they want you to help them which is why they are shouting at you.

You might feel good when you are right, but be careful that you don’t end up being right and alone.

Body Language: Who is attracted to you?

Would you like to know who is attracted to you as you go about your daily life? I’m now going to share some body language tips to look out for that will reveal the thoughts in the minds of those around you.

Sometimes it’s very difficult to know if someone is attracted to you or not. If you’re dating then understanding this would be a great asset. If you are in a relationship it’s good to know the reaction you are having on others so you can act appropriately, and avoid difficult situations.

I’m going to cover this topic over the next few days because there is a lot to cover, so lets start with the messages we can read from people’s eye patterns.

Eye patterns that equal potential attraction

These eye patterns are not conscious and so the person is unaware of what they are doing. Their eyes are purely reflecting the feelings they are having in response to you.

In a platonic relationship or a business relationship their eye pattern will be to scan your face in a triangular fashion that goes from one eye to another to the nose and back to the eyes. This will indicate a non-sexual conversation.

They will randomly repeat this pattern through the conversation with you.

As soon as their attention goes past the nose and to the lips and back to the eyes then you have a potential attraction going on, remember they will be unaware of what they are doing.

If the eye pattern goes from eye-to-eye and lower than lips, then it very clear that an attraction is likely. At this point men and women will go from being unaware of what they are doing to suddenly being very aware as their feelings become intense.

Attraction confirmation is when the glances become more sexual, the lips are the start so watch what happens next.

A man maybe suddenly be shocked to find he is looking at a woman’s breasts. Or a woman may suddenly be horrified that she is looking at a mans crotch.

You may now start to become aware of what people are doing, but don’t worry this is all very normal and harmless and remember 9 times out of 10 their behaviours are reflex, so take it as a compliment as the nature in them is attracted to the nature and beauty in you.

So have fun looking into the minds of others and tomorrow we will look at what else the eyes do when some one is really attracted to you.

We will also build a picture of many patterns this week from arms, to hands, to feet, to how we stand and what it all means.

What Do Women Really Want?

Confused men sit shaking their heads with a question they never seem to get the answer to “What do women really want?”.

For example: He can do the same thing two days running and get totally different reactions from her? A mans logic will never understand this, so lets look inside her mind to understand what’s happening.

Socks on the floor again -  Clearly he doesn’t care about me!

Women are brilliant at turning things or situations into meanings. Women are constantly looking for the meanings behind what their men are doing, or not doing, and there is a lot of things he might not be doing.

She wants to keep checking that everything is OK, that she’s safe, and secure as she paints an picture of a future he’d better not spoil.

Men rarely feel unsafe, but women can feel unsafe many times a day.  When she feels unsafe she has to get tough and strong, but don’t be fooled, this is her mask, inside every woman is the real her screaming to get out.

But unless she meets a man who can help her feel safe, she will stay tough to survive.

Where she really wants to be

In a woman’s heart is the core of who she is, all that’s great about her sits in here. This is where she feels safe and where she can trust her decisions. When she connects with her heart, her true self, she becomes who she wants to be, free, relaxed, peaceful, secure and totally happy free from fear.

If her man can help her unlock the pathway to her heart and help her connect with that part of herself everyday then he will become the man she has dreamed of.

BUT…

The challenge is this, women live most of their lives in their head. It’s very busy and very noisy. Lots to do and worry about. There may even be a few voices shouting abuse in there “… you’re not good enough” or  “…you’re too fat for those jeans”. Combine this with chemical reactions each month that men have no clue about and yes …men have a challenge!

Also you have to combat the other women who she connects with. They feed her with more worry because a group of women will connect through their problems and fears and this raises her awareness of her problems as she connects with others who are also lost.

She will love the connection with her friends as now she’s not alone and feels important to them, but her problems are now bigger because 4 different opinions have confused her.

Her only stop left is her man relaxing after a hard day unaware of the potential storm heading his way.

What will happen and how can he help her connect with her true self?

Find out tomorrow…