Understanding what men want

Yes men have needs too and if she can learn to understand what he needs he will feel great about himself and attach that great feeling to her. So below is an outline of what he wants/needs. Of course every man is different and so try out some of the suggestions below and see what reaction you get.

He wants to know he can please her. This is a primary driver in most men and is a significant source of pain if he feels can’t. If she’s not happy he will be in pain.

He wants her to give him feedback. If you don’t tell a man when he’s done well he will assume his actions haven’t worked and he will never do it again.

He needs to know she respects him, learn what has to happen for him to feel respected of course every man is different but this is a key need.

He needs to know she trusts him. If a man feels he’s not trusted he will know his life will be hell with her and he will shut down.

He needs to know she is proud of him. He needs to feel he matters and being proud is a great way of helping him feel connected to her.

He needs to be her security forever. If a man ever feels something else is meeting her needs he can feel that he’s losing something important.

He wants to know he is her hero. He needs to feel she believes he can do anything and he’s special to her.

He wants to know if she has a problem she’ll want him to fix it. Men are conditioned to fix things. This is a great way of him proving himself to her, most men will jump at the chance to impress her.

He wants her to plan sex. He wants her to show she understands what’s important to him. Book a hotel room call him at work and tell him where you are. I once heard a story of a man that was caught speeding on his way to planned sex. They let him off….

He wants her to set him free to be himself. You can’t cage a man, or control a man and have a happy man. She’ll end up with a beaten man she’s not attracted to.

He wants her to believe in him and support him. If he feels she is confident in him he will take on the role of looking after her. Treat him like a boy he will act like one.

He sometimes wants the boy in him to be loved and looked after. Men become empty too, from work stress to illness, when she loves him like she would her child, the man in him will emerge stronger.

He wants her to know he is not female and he really can’t talk for hours without there being a point to it.

He needs her to know that he is designed to get rid of problems fast. Going over and over problems with no way to fix them really frustrates him and shuts him down.

Most of all he wants to know she won’t take her love away and he is enough for her.

Men shut down in relationships when he feels that he is not enough for her and he feels that loving her is impossible. This is why when women go on and on at their men the men see the relationship as impossible.

About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.


  1. Dear Stephen,
    This sound really good, provided you have a man who wants to be a man to begin with.
    If the man wants to remain a boy and looks for maternal love rather than an equal relationship, things become very difficult.
    Best regards,

    • Stephen Hedger says:

      Hi Claudia thank you for taking the time to comment.

      The question is what is the true nature of the man and if he is not being his true nature there will be a reason.

      The question then becomes, does the person who is not living true to who they are want to discover their truth?

      If they are not being true to themselves yet they don’t want to change, again there will be a reason.

      Discovering why someone doesn’t want to live true to who they are is the key.

      Very best to you.

  2. Hi Stephen

    I completely agree with your comment. Discovering the truth can be daunting but actually is far more liberating than staying in ‘stuck’. Sadly some men choose to change the geography and person they’re with rather than take the ‘road to truth’.

    The fallout can be tough for all concerned. Even for the man. But until the pain of where they are is greater than the pain of change they won’t budge. As I believe you’ve said on many an occasion.

    Best wishes