Statistically a great many of people come for help because their lines of effective communication have broken down. They become almost stuck in the same old patterns of communication going round in circles…
It’s critical to understand your partners’ message when they speak, because if you don’t understand them, what can happen is you could misunderstand their message to you.
This can change your behaviours and that could change your future.
So the first step is to never assume you know what they mean, if they complain to you because the way you have taken their message is wrong, the chances are they are right, after all they knew their intent and motivation to communicate to you.
You see what many people do is listen to the words of others and put their own meaning to it and then make them responsible for this new translation.
Of course this will cause fights so it’s critical you respect what your partner feels because if you don’t they will assume you don’t care and move away from you.
So this is the obvious form of communication problem.
What about those that gloss over how they are feeling when they communicate. For example I have noticed some females communicate what they are fearful of, but they do it with a smile on their face. Some will pre-frame their complaint with reassurance such as “…you know I love you…” then they communicate the problem.
This is designed to soften the complaint to their partner, trouble is the reciever never gets the truth, it’s like they are being protected from the real pain the person feels. On some occasions the person has blocked their own pain and so they don’t connect to themselves and so they focus on making sure their partner is looked after, so they can feel safe.
They can do this as part of their coping mechanism to get love.
The problem is this method blocks the energy in the relationship and intimacy can become a problem.
Many people who start off as friends can end up in this place. They don’t argue so there is no real passion and so problems start to display themselves in many different ways.
My sessions are always focused on the couple being honest to each other, but most of all honest to them themselves.
Unless a person is honest with themselves they will build relationships on weak foundations, the real challenge comes when the person, feels they are being honest and cannot see they are not.
The challenge is the person has then has no desire to fix something that is not a problem to them even though their relationship is clearly screaming we are in trouble.
So they come to sessions wanting me to fix their partner.
You see listening and understand your partner is really important, but so is listening and understanding your own truth is just as important.
Is far easier to blame others when problems strike, but it’s far harder to look in the mirror and explore what is your part in the relationships problems when things are going wrong.
When the person does have the courage to look at themselves, what they discover is a world of more control and success in their own destiny.
So the title of todays’ post is “Learn how to listen to those you love?”
Loving YOU and really listening to you is the start!