When an affair is discovered it has the ability to create the most volcanic reactions. Infidelity has the power to shock the relationship into never being the same again ever. So if you want to save your relationship then understanding your partners’ experience is going to be critical to helping them feel safe to trust again.
The person who discovers their partner has had an affair is shocked into their own personal battle.
It’s like they become two versions of themselves. One part of them still loves their partner, and the other part is aggressively protecting themselves from their partner.
So they become confused and disoriented. No matter what they do it doesn’t feel right, they want the pain to go, but everything is a trigger that leads to their partners’ affair.
This splitting of identity within the victim is that persons protective pattern. This person needs to remember the affair so they don’t forget this is designed to protect themselves and remind their partner of the pain they have inflicted.
This pattern of self-protection gives them an addiction to the details of the affair. Was sex better? Did you sleep in our bed? How many times did you have sex? Did you ever think of me? I want all the receipts, all the bank statements, phone bills, your phone…
The list goes on…
This person’s addictive protection can go over the same information, asking the same questions thinking they will feel better if they get all the answers.
Of course the more detail the person gains the deeper the pain goes as more triggers are born to keep the affair alive.
The affair creates such powerful emotions because it’s cast iron proof they are not loved, it’s proof that another is better than them, these trigger the worst and deepest fears.
For some, an affair is so overwhelming that the relationship ends instantly. For others, they battle with the after-shock for years never really recovering.
The total contrast is the person that has an affair and wants to keep their marriage, simply wants to get rid of the problem as fast as possible so they can get back to how things were.
This person has to realise that philosophy has the potential to compound the problem.
As you can see the couple now have a problem, one person wants to keep the affair alive for protection and the other wants to get rid of it fast, almost pretending it never happened.
Many people have affairs and can’t believe what they have done and some do have a conscious reason. One person described it like waking up holding a hot coal. During the affair, they can be disconnected to the consequences of their actions only woken up when they are connected with the very real possibility of loss.
It’s the handling of this process on both sides that is key to the survival of the couple.
You cannot bury an affair/infidelity and expect a loving connect relationship. If you wrongly chose to shut the person up this will only demonstrate their pain is falling on deaf ears which is more proof you don’t care, or their pain is now an irritation because they should have gotten over this by now.
If the wounds are not healed by both people the person can suffer silently never really being in the relationship. So the affair always sits in the back of this persons mind, so the relationships dies.
So a relationship/marriage that falls foul of an affair has three directions to go.
1. It can end
2. It can strangle the relationship year after year.
3. You can use the affair to create a brand new marriage.
Couples who learn how to use the affair/infidelity as a springboard into a new and far better relationship become stronger and more connected than ever before.
The irony for these couples is the affair has shocked the couple into learning what it really takes to create a relationship that’s passionate and secure. This is what many couples are missing and is what can create the problems that lead to affairs.
The process of rebuilding a relationship after an affair needs gentle steps that honour the individuals’ feelings, and questions.
The steps help the couple deal with why the affair happened and provide a safe platform to help them reconnect with more knowledge and confidence than before.
The victim of the affair can learn the steps to rebuild their confidence and self-esteem which an affair will have shattered.
In essence, the couple can learn how breakthrough the shock of the affair and how to permanently protect the relationship in the years to come.
If you have had an affair and you want to save your marriage or you are the victim of an affair and are not sure what to do please click affair breakthrough to book an initial consultation.