Worried About Your Relationship?

January 17, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Do you have a relationship you want to keep? Are you stuck not sure what to do? Do you feel that no matter what you do it seems to keep failing?

If this is you then understanding the steps to getting the relationship back on track are critical.

If any relationship has suffered problems the challenge the couple now face is A LACK OF TRUST! Trust that the relationship will not be the way they need it to be, for them to be happy.

Rebuilding the trust is the first step in my sessions with couples.

To be successful your thoughts have to go to the points of conflict where the couple have failed with each other and ignited fears for the future.

  • The question is this… At the point of conflict what does my partner really need?

Usually in conflict situations and even the ones she has started, what the female needs is to be loved and understood, what the male needs is the ability to fix her problem. If he doesn’t know how to deal with the conflict he might become really angry, through frustration, or he might shut-down or escape in some way hoping the problem will just go away.

None of this works and just adds more fuel to the fire.

All of these behaviours are the reverse of what’s needed and bit-by-bit the relationship dies. She can feel that he has no desire to understand her, and he can feel she can never be pleased.

None of this is true of course, but without relationship training the couple react the only way they know how. Fight and protect themselves.

Understanding this process is one of the keys to my success with couples.

If the male can meet his needs in the process of meeting the females’ specific needs at the point of conflict then he can feel successful again in the relationship and she will feel loved and heard.

Both people following this process will start to feel connected again with themselves and each other.

Once the trust has been rebuilt, only then can the couple can work on meeting each others needs.

  • If you wish to know more about how to do this please make contact today click here
Filed Under: Building Trust Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Do The Differences Between Men & Women Impact The Outcome of Their Relationship?

January 15, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

This is an important post because it’s about the foundation of our relationships. Without this knowledge our relationships can suffer as love and passion get replaced with loneliness’, fear, resentment, lack of respect to name a few…

Each of us has within us a masculine and feminine side to our personalities. When you consider those couples you know, you will probably see a good mix of traits which contradict what we think is normal. For example: Some women are very masculine and some men very feminine.

Our attraction to each other is based on these differences. What’s important is these differences work for that couple not just when they first meet, but throughout their relationship. If the couple lose these differences this can have significant effects on the happiness of the couple.

You can see this clearly when people attracted to each other first meet. They will be displaying without knowing the desire to display their differences so certain behaviours will become exaggerated.

For example: For men their voices become lower, whilst women’s voices become higher. Men try to look bigger whilst women are trying to look smaller.

Women will walk swaying their hips whilst men walk straight and strong.

These are just a few of the many traits that couples display early in the attraction process.

If the couple start to lose their differences then the relationship changes as they start to feel different with each other. This results in a focus of what’s wrong in the relationship. This focus magnifies the problem and the couple start to have cause for concern.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, but slowly the couple can start to notice problems appearing, maybe fighting, lack of desire to spend time together, work, friends hobbies becoming more important than the relationship.

As this happens a shift in the relationship starts to make it feel that you now have real problems as you can no longer trust your partner to help you create a future that looks exciting and safe in the way you want it.

In most couples what’s really happening is the female in the relationship is becoming stronger to cope with behaviours in him which stop her from feeling safe. She may feel she is not heard or understood. He usually misunderstands her words and reacts in ways which destroy their trust even further.

It gets to the point where lack of respect becomes the model by which the couple live by.

The result is the differences that attracted the couple are now in reverse of what worked.

The man has become weaker in the eyes of the woman, some complain with words like… “…it’s like have another child…”, or “…I don’t want to be his mum!”.

This perspective does not help her to feel safe with him, and the desire to be intimate is significantly decreased.

The man is likely to feel that he has given her everything and she is impossible to please, she has either become too aggressive or shut down not letting him in.

The result is, to keep herself safe the woman, has to become more masculine to cope with him and he has become weaker knowing he can’t please her.

The result is both will go to the outside world to reconnect with their needs.

The relationship stops being the source of their happiness and starts to die.

This ping-pong effect which creates fears through a lack of understanding of each others needs can be reversed with new understanding.

So the question now is this: Is it possible after years of problems to correct this. The answer is yes if you both really want to. Even if one person is certain it’s over, a new understanding can shift the foundations of their belief to a new one of hope.

I hope for you this has been helpful? You may have many questions as this is a complex area for couples and usually takes a good two hours to explain in the context of your situation. The changes can be dramatic when you both understand this…

Who knows this post maybe enough to help you…

If this has struck a chord with you please get in touch today, or leave a comment below…

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: ,

How Can I Trust Again?

January 12, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

My post today was inspired by a comment from Meredith on my post Trust Building in Relationships.

She talks about her struggle with trust issues when building a new life and entering new relationships after a spouse’s infidelity and divorce.

Trust in new relationships can become a real issue, especially if you’ve had a bad experience historically, such as infidelity.

In this situation fears can become triggered automatically and give you feelings of wanting to move you away from the possibility of more emotional danger, so building a new relationship can be full of problems driven by fears.

So you are now stuck, knowing you would love to be in a loving relationship, but too fearful to expose yourself again, because you fear what might happen that’s out of your control.

To cure this problem a different perspective and focus is needed.

When individuals come to me with this kind of problem, I help them focus on what they can control.

The question is can you TRUST you?

Can you trust you to find and create a relationship that will meet your core needs? Proof so far is you have got it very wrong without knowing, so you might repeat this again… this focus will drive more fears…

So the goal is to put you back in control…

You see unless you know how to create a strong, lasting passionate relationship that grows through their problems you will always be concerned and lacking in confidence that you might not be able to trust you to…

  1. Know who is right for you?
  2. How to plan and build a relationship?
  3. How to understand your own needs and communicate them?
  4. How to understand your partners’ needs?
  5. How to communicate to him in a way he/she understands?
  6. How to grow security and more love through conflict?
  7. How to keep the passion alive and let go of your fears?

Without confidence in your relationship building skills you could feel exposed to more bouts of trial and error that equal real danger.

  1. You see attraction is easy!
  2. Falling in love is easy!
  3. Having a great relationship whilst it’s going well is easy!

But, building a successful relationship through the ups and downs of life, and that stays passionate, now that’s a skill worth mastering….

So the question is not about trusting them, it’s about you trusting you to create the understanding that will help you avoid the pitfalls, that causes problems, that destroys relationships and leads to destructive actions such as infidelity.

That’s the new goal..!

Filed Under: Building Trust Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Building Trust: Trust Issues in Relationships & Rebuilding A Broken Marriage

January 9, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 3 Comments

If you are having any kind of relationship problem this post is about how to build trust in a relationship so it can start to be the way you need it to be.

When the word “trust” is mentioned the usual association is directed towards infidelity. Whilst this is true, the word and how it affects our relationships actually has a much broader meaning.

You might not feel you can trust your partner with others, or you may not be able to trust your partner to create the relationship you wanted and expected.

So in any relationship conflict, I know on some level the couple have stopped trusting each other and this is the first step to rebuilding their relationship.

Why trust problems appear in relationships

When any couple are having problems, both are likely to be in fear states which will result in them both going to self-protection which is a very “ME” focused state and focused what they are not getting from their relationship.

Whenever a relationship enters this phase the love they give each other becomes conditional and so their needs are only met as part of a trade. “If you do this for me, I’ll do this for you!”

This trading process is slowly destructive because it builds up resentment and the couple stop wanting to meet each other needs.

This results in the individuals going outside the relationship to feel good again, places such as work, friends, family, children, hobbies and sometimes other sexual partners.

Building Trust: Learning how to trust again

If the relationship is to survive the couple needs to refocus their energy away from their own fears and towards what they want.

The focus on fears is proven to create their fears in reality and so is not safe if rebuilding trust and saving the relationship is the goal.

Important: For rebuilding trust

If love is what you want in your relationship your goal is to give love in the way your partner wants it.

Most people feel exposed and feel at risk if they do this, BUT in reality they are more at risk if they don’t, pulling love away to protect yourself when things go wrong is a smokescreen for safety, because pulling love away only results in your partner mirroring you in some way.

So fears fuel fears to destroy the trust in any relationship.

If you are have problems and need help rebuilding trust please get in touch.

  • I run a two hour trust building session for all couples.
    Please click Trust Building
Filed Under: Building Trust Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Where is Your Relationship Today?

January 7, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Those wanting help with their marriage/relationship fit into three core categories. Even if you are currently single this is critical to understand for your next relationship…

I call these…

  • Level One

  • Level Two

  • Level Three

Level One Relationship! – Guaranteed destruction

In this place either one or both people in the relationship are focused on themselves and what they are not getting from their relationship. It highly likely that neither really trust each other to create a future that feels good.

When anyone in a relationship makes the relationship about “ME” it deteriorates quickly as fears for the future are ignited and problems such as affairs become possible.

Level Two Relationship – Passionless/stale

In this place one or both people want to meet each others needs, but will only do so if they are getting something in return.

This is a “trading relationship”. Couples can last in this place, but it creates a relationship based around conditions. This doesn’t feel very loving and so resentment is created as the couple needs are not met and so the relationship takes a back seat and life takes over. This kills the joy, playfulness, passion, intimacy and so the myth that with time the passion in relationship die become true.

In essence the relationship can feel safe but, stale and boring.

Level Three Relationship – Fun/passionate/exciting

This is a very different relationship. In this place the couple put importance on the relationship as a key part of their life. This couple understanding each other needs and makes them a priority. This couple understands how to grow their relationship at the point of conflict.

In this place the bond will grow stronger and the couples intimacy will become a big part of their lives again.

Filed Under: Relationship levels Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Does Relationship Coaching Work?

January 7, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Many couples wonder if coming to relationship coaching sessions will work and is it worth the effort?

  • What if you’ve had years of problems, fighting and going round in circles?
  • What if through all your problems intimacy in your relationship had disappeared years before and is now also just another problem to add to the list.
  • What if you’ve even tried counselling and it hasn’t worked and now it looks like the only option is divorce and the break up of a young family.

With so much certainty that breaking up was their only option, this couple decided to see if relationship coaching could save their family…

After a few sessions this is the email I received from them today!

Subject: Thank You

Stephen

I wanted to write to say thank you. There has been a huge turning point in our relationship. We have both worked really hard at following your advice and I have started to allow myself to get close to D physically. We are taking that side of things really slowly as I have many years’ anxiety to overcome but I finally feel that not only can we have a marriage free of the destructive fighting and power struggles we’ve endured for the past few years but we can also have a marriage with physical as well as emotional intimacy.

We both know that to sustain this will require continued efforts on both our parts but you have given us the tools to work with and that is more than half the battle. From where we were a few months ago – with the house on the market and divorce lawyers consulted – to where we are now feels nothing short of a miracle. We both realise that there is still so much love and so much worth saving. It was just all disguised under fear, anger, resentment, loneliness and feelings of disconnect and hopelessness.

Your skill as a coach is very special. Anyone who has tried traditional counselling and failed (as we had) should definitely try you before throwing in the towel.

With very best wishes

Grace – London

Filed Under: Testimonials Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Communication Rules For Relationships

January 6, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Following in on from communication skills post from yesterday, without some boundaries in place for communication then all sorts of problems can occur.

To help couples create more harmony I help them to understand some simple rules they can both live by.

Never Judge your partner:

The only way we can be qualified to judge our partners is if we were actually them, this is because the meanings we all give to our own words are based on many hidden factors and our past is one of them. If someone judged us then it would assume they understood how we arrived at our meanings.

That would mean they understood your past and many other factors too, of course they don’t…

When their words don’t make sence

So instead of focusing on your partner words that don’t seem to make sense to you, words that could be open to your judgement, focus on their emotional state.

After all, do you really need to understand everything before you will see the person you love is in pain and all he or she needs is love?

So never assume you understand your partners words and don’t judge them – you are not qualified.

Filed Under: Communication Problems Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Effective Communication Skills in Relationships

January 5, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

What are the meanings behind your partner words? Many of us react to our partner words without stopping to think, what did they really mean?

Listening is one of the most critical parts of communication, but in personal relationships the emotions are usually high and we can react before we think and before you know it we have a war on our hands.

One of the biggest complaints I hear in relationships is he or she doesn’t understand me.

So when your partner is speaking with you next, take your time to listen to their words.  Our natural response is to put our own meanings to their words, but of course by doing this you’ll miss their point totally. This can cause conflict.

Because men and women communicate so differently and emotions can run high it is critical to understand each others true meanings behind their words.

So ask them what they meant and see if your initial reaction was going to be the right one.

I run this in sessions and couples are generally shocked at how wrong they are when the meaning behind each others words are explored.

Filed Under: Communication Problems Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Problem Solving Skills – Creative Problem Solving For Life Challenges

January 3, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Wouldn’t it be great, if we never had any problems again?

The reality is not all problems are bad, we need problems to motivate us to action, what’s bad is the way in which we view our problems that keep us stuck, for some they remain stuck for years sometimes for life. What’s needed is effective problem solving skills.

My problem seems impossibe to solve…

You see when individuals come to me for help usually what happened is they have been seeing their problems from only one perspective. That perspective is usually one which makes solving the problem impossible.

For example: Many people are trying to control their outside world so they can feel ok, but the more they try this, the more out of control they feel, because people either reject them, or move away from them. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Life Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

She Hadn’t Seen Her Children For Years – “Fear had me paralyzed!”

January 3, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

This lady was very stuck, so stuck her own fears were stopping her fighting to see her own children. Now years had passed and her fear had grown.

To help her I knew I had to help her see her problem differently, in a way which would dissolve her fears and put her back in control of what she could control – her own actions!

After years she has now made contact with her daughter, a wonderful gift at the start of 2012

These are her words….

Life Coaching with Stephen Hedger:

Testimonial from an Anonymous Mother in a Foreign Land

How do I express the extent and depth of Stephen’s capabilities in assisting with the reversal of destroyed relationships?

I’m not talking about marriage in this case. I’m talking about myself as a mother agonizing for years over the estrangement of my young-adult children.  Fear had me paralyzed.  Lack of insight and wisdom had me continually groping while remaining hopeless and buried in on-going anguish.

When Stephen started working with me recently, he began by asking simple yet telling questions that, answered thoroughly and honestly, would probe the depths of my pain and shame.  I decided to answer thoroughly and honestly.

Stephen went right to work.  He delved into letting me know what life has been like for my children, what goes on in their minds, what is at stake and how I need to respond.  I have wondered more than once if he’s psychic.  Uncanny.

This relationship work is hard.  It takes so much courage.  But it is no longer impossible and hopeless.  There is ground being gained and the first signs of hope and relief have appeared.  I still walk in fear, yet it is being steadily replaced with determination and empowerment and positive, effective thinking and action.

For the first time I believe strongly that I will get my children back, that they will eventually be healed and whole.

Thank you, Stephen, for going through the fire with me and holding my hand throughout.  It takes so much fortitude, courage, vision and generosity of spirit to do what you do.  You are saving lives by diving in where it is most dark and dreary and then somehow bringing forth light, strength and belief.

You bring smokescreens to the surface and expose them for what they are.  You get to the heart of the pain and provide a platform from which to work.  I now have the attitude that I will get my children back or die trying.

All our lives depend on it.

Filed Under: Coaching Families, Testimonials Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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