Becoming insecure in a relationship should not be underestimated in terms of the suffering a person goes through.
Insecurity in a relationship has it’s foundations in a person feeling they might not be enough for their partner.
This is one of the most painful fears a person can experience and so will lead to all sorts of destructive behaviours.
The destructive behaviors are rooted in the person feeling a need to protect themselves.
- Some people will overly please at the cost to themselves.
- Others will withdraw
- Some will become anxious or depressed
- Many will become aggressive
- Some will become over-controlling
- It also makes some very needy
Those are a few common examples, none of which will protect them or their relationship.
Many insecure people end up feeling alone, abandoned, or controlled.
To be clear some people can feel this way even if their partner is not trying to hurt them.
The key to dealing with being insecure in a relationship is about understanding a few critical parts.
Insecure people are essentially putting the power of their own self-worth in the hands of others.
So no wonder they are worried.
You must be your own validator
What you are about to read is a typical process I would take a client through with this type of challenge.
So putting the power back in your own hands enables the person to take back control of what is happening.
Insecure people are driven by their fears.
Once the person can see that they must be their own validator and no one else is qualified to judge them, it sets them on their path to freedom.
For this person, the process is about empowerment, rebuilding self-confidence, and self-esteem.
You may notice many people aggressively say they don’t care what others think!
If there was no fear then they wouldn’t need their aggression or ego to cover it up.
We are not looking for an artificial front, authentic confidence is the only answer that works.
Plus natural confidence is very attractive quality.
Adding value to what’s important
Now the person is NOT looking to gain their own value from the opinion of others, the next step is how to add value to what’s important to us.
So someone who doesn’t understand how to add value to their partner and how to trigger their good feelings will naturally struggle.
Imagine this problem…
I am in love with you, but have no means to positively influence you. In fact all I do is trigger you to be upset.
This is the worst kind of vulnerability that will only grow fear and more insecurity.
To be clear I have some of the brightest minds in my sessions and they don’t naturally know what to do in their relationships either.
So now the person has their power and confidence back they are now in a learning state which is critical for any human’s progress.
Fear states do not enable effective learning, fear is about running or fighting.
This is why many people are so overwhelmed with their own destructive emotional states even trying to help them would bring them more discomfort.
Have you ever noticed the people who need the help the most are the ones that generally don’t look for it until they hit rock bottom.
This is why the self-validation process is such an important step.
Some of the couples that come for help will go through a personal empowerment process before couples work.
In fact, the self-validation process is used by many people on their own with me.
They are wanting to decide with a clear confident mind if they want to try to save their marriage or exit it.
Whilst they were in an insecure fear state they would have felt brain-fog and so any decision would have been too risky to action either way.
Personal confidence + Value based energy
Once a person has regained personal confidence and they know how to add value to themselves and to the relationship then the person will see the truth of their connection.
Most couples will see a far better relationship than the one they started.
The reason so many people struggle is because they don’t see the choices available to them.
In this process strategy is the key to success.
Insecure people are not in the right place for contribution and learning so they won’t make good partners until they have been helped out of that problem first.
If this has struck a chord and you now want help click below..
How to stop being insecure in a relationship
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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