Some couples can find themselves in a confusing crisis because they have not experienced a specific problem.
This is because they have lived in a “perceptually happy” finely balanced emotional ecosystem for years.
They were totally unaware of what they are heading for because they felt happy.
Then a single change catastrophically upset that finely tuned balance and sends the couple into a confusing crisis.
So what if the ecosystem a couple creates at the start of their marriage is not sustainable for life and they are totally unaware of this fact?
I meet a lot of people in that very position who find themselves getting unhappier in their marriage, but don’t know why.
No big breaks of trust, no affairs, no abuse just something feels wrong.
Upon exploring the reason for the crisis we usually discover the marriage hasn’t changed other than ageing and time passing and the usual ups and downs everyone has.
What has actually changed is within the person who is now unhappy.
She rejected herself but she didn’t know
I see many cases of a person who didn’t know how to embrace themselves and their true needs at the start of their marriage.
Some of these people have rejected a big part of who they really are and now that rejected part wants to come out, be alive, and be seen.
One group of women who are feminine at their core have historically rejected that feminine energy within themselves and lived a masculine life within their marriage.
These women are doers who just get on with life, they get the job done without fuss. It’s a very useful energy for busy families.
Unfortunately, it’s only a matter of time before the hidden historically rejected energy needs to come out and this upsets the marital balance.
What she now needs has changed she doesn’t understand it and he is totally lost wishing they could go back to the old happiness they once enjoyed.
He liked her masculine energy, the new feminine energy makes no sense to him.
Of course, he wouldn’t call it feminine he has no name for it all he knows is her unhappiness towards him.
He thinks she has changed the reality is she is actually changing back.
Men can suffer with this too.
I see many men give up who they are to please their wives and then one very normal day without warning he announces he wants a divorce and he leaves her in a quest for freedom.
No warning!
Giving up who you really are to please a person or a marriage will always have consequences.
Men and women can hide their truth
Many people don’t share their true sexual needs through fear of not being loved and then we find out about their secret life and this brings immense stress to the relationship.
Some people who think they are happy but are really disconnected from what’s important to them will suffer.
I hear some people marry for security, dependability, and not love, they too end up suffering.
The younger them wanted what was safe until through maturity they no longer need that safety in the same way and now they want passion, excitement, and adventure instead.
Statistically, the younger the couple was when they married the higher risk of divorce.
BUT…
What if the change in a person was understood and the couple had the understanding and the tools to deal with this change?
If they did understand, many couples who are at the core right for each other wouldn’t need to go through the stress of a divorce.
The biggest fear for any couple is not understanding what is going on and what to do about it.
A crisis out of the blue is a huge worry for any couple, but the crisis doesn’t have to be the end.
For many, it’s the start of something new, a new freedom, and an exciting life adventure.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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