Why did my partner have an affair? Why does my partner want to leave me? Why has our love died?
Sometimes, the reason someone would break their promise in a relationship can seem impossible to understand why.
This post provides a few examples of the cost of a shallow connection. Weak emotional foundations can create shocking behaviours, ranging from happy people having affairs to 70-year-olds looking for a divorce.
So many people come to me seeking answers to lift them out of their despair. One of the most confusing problems is when a person seems to be happy yet decides to break the trust.
I remember a couple who both shared with me the marriage had been great for 20 years, and then suddenly, for no reason, he decided to leave her, and they both came to me to understand why.
Another couple in their early seventies; their marriage was on the rocks after 40 years of marriage image getting that far, only to watch it fail.
This lady told me that, at our age, we should know better.
She assumed that a measure of marriage success was how long they had been together and this is the problem!
I have met many people 60 – 85 years old who have been married for many years and have settled for a shallow connection. Ironically, their family and friends admire their longevity, unaware they are now in crisis.
You see, the length of time married isn’t a measure of success; imagine discovering we have been successfully disconnected for 40 years. On the bright side, we are still together!
Who on earth wants to aspire to that?
Years of living in an illusion whilst heading for a disaster is not the mission, but it’s what many settle for.
Living in a marriage with unsafe foundations is a dangerous position to be in because it’s a prison of distortion, where the fulfilment of joy, love and passion doesn’t match the success of longevity.
Unless you can keep what matters alive, what is the point?
So, what equals marital success?
Success in marriage is about creating an ongoing depth of connection where both people have committed to learning and understanding how to get the best out of themselves and each other as the marriage changes.
The problem is that people, their dynamics, and their needs change. So, as a couple, you must evolve and grow through these changes as the years progress.
Like it or not, your relationship is always changing.
A couple at 30 years old is very different from a couple at 50. A young couple with no children is a billion miles from a young couple with children.
That’s why many couples’ relationships fail once a child arrives—the foundations are simply not strong enough.
So, investing in learning and understanding your partner and relationship is a critical step that most people ignore once they have secured the relationship.
The learning must not stop the moment the marriage starts.
The danger is if the learning stops, the depth of connection doesn’t grow at that point.
So, if the depth of connection learning stops at 25, you can be a 50-year-old person with a 25-year-olds level of connection, and this is why so many people disconnect.
If you actively invest 20 years of learning, understanding, caring, and loving, which has proven to bring out the best in your partner, who, because of your care and attention, naturally wants to meet your needs, you now have emotional depth.
Are you now going to want to leave or be swayed by a sunny new object or new life? Of course not; the foundations are too deep to risk it.
Learning how to invest successfully creates a person who never wants to leave.
Most marriages fail because the depth of their connection doesn’t grow with time, and so the foundations are too shallow.
They outgrew the connection they had started with because they didn’t understand that if their connection didn’t grow as they naturally changed, the relationship would always suffer.
When people have affairs, break trust, or lose connection, this happens because the connection isn’t deep enough for the consequences to matter.
The uninvested person can easily crave a new and more exciting future.
If you interviewed people who had affairs, you would notice that “consequences” were not front of mind, even in those who want to keep their marriage.
Some feel justified about the affair, and some feel their partner wouldn’t mind or care. Many are shocked they do care.
People who have had near-death experiences who haven’t invested properly can look at their life at that time and give up on their marriage because the depth of connection and the investment haven’t been sufficient enough – again, shallow foundations.
I have seen many people do this. They don’t blame their lack of learning or investment. They simply blame the marriage for being wrong for too long.
The empty nesters who now have grown-up children who have left home or who have reached retirement are all in danger if the depth of connection and investment hasn’t grown to create strong foundations.
True intimacy and depth of connection over the years cannot thrive without each person being committed to actively building strong foundations where feeling secure is not a focus but a result of the couple’s dynamic.
I have made it my mission with Cloe, my wife, to make her a study. I wanted to ensure that as the years passed and we changed, we remained connected as a team.
You see, learning never stops. Cloe is in her early 50s today. I have no idea what it will be like to be married to her when she is 70. She will have changed, and I need to change with her.
Summary – It’s dangerous to build anything on shallow foundations
From the moment you both meet, learning must start and never stop, or the relationship could just leave you behind.
This means the emotional foundations that keep the connection strong must be growing from the day you meet to the day you die.
Deep emotional foundations are what we are after, and this is what’s missing for too many couples.
So, if you are a couple struggling, understanding how to build these deeper emotional foundations has to be an immediate focus.
So, if you want to step out of your suffering and follow other couples who have been where you are, start by getting the answer to this question.
How Deep Are Your Emotional Foundations?
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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