Have you ever noticed that no matter what the problem is there are people who always manage to make any problem about them.
It doesn’t matter where the problem started or what the problem is about, they always find away to make themselves the centre of attention needing help, support or care.
I remember one lady telling me she had to go into hospital for a very serious operation they didn’t know what the end result would be, so worrying for everyone.
Her husband was so distraught about her operation that when she came out of her operation many hours later she found herself needing to console and look after him.
He made that situation all about him, how worried he was, how upset he was, that she could have died.
It never crossed his mind to put her first that she was the person in need after such an arduous physical and emotional battle.
This was their pattern, no matter what happened in their marriage he always found a way to make that specific problem about him.
Your marriage isn’t about YOU
My message today is whenever a person makes their relationship about themselves the relationship starts to die.
Practice that pattern and over time the relationship simply will not survive as the partner will run out of energy as they emotionally empty.
Successful relationships are about contribution/giving.
- Adult energy is about contribution.
- Child-like energy is about needing to take.
Children need to take and demand to survive, but many adults don’t grow out of that need for “baby love”.
If a needy person wants positive attention the way to shift it from being a drain on the marriage is to become a contributor by learning understanding and adding value to their partner.
The energy that wants to “take” from their partner will simply deplete the couples energy and leave it little room to breathe and grow.
Many people divorce due to this problem.
“Me” focused relationships always die so it’s critical to shift the pattern quickly to the only process that works.
A person must stay connected to who they are whilst contributing who they are to their partner.
Love as one part of a relationship isn’t something you control or take, that process kills it.
Love is something you become and then be with those that are important.
When you become what you value that’s when those around you get to experience that contribution of energy from you.
The next step is to understand what equals that love to those you love.
I remember a gentleman didn’t give his wife flowers because he didn’t like them.
I asked her if she liked flowers, she said she loved them and dreamed of one day getting them from her husband.
I helped him understand that his version of love had put his needs at the centre.
So I asked him this…
“If you put her needs at he centre and didn’t make it about you what would you do differently”?
“I would give her flowers” he answered.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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