One of the most common patterns is when one person becomes upset and the other becomes upset because they are upset.
This kind of mirrored/defensive response is unhelpful to any couple’s connection but unfortunately, so many couples practice this unaware of what they are doing to their partner and themselves.
I’m highlighting this because if you want to kill your connection this is the perfect way to achieve it.
You see when this kind of mirrored response happens the person who is upset is NOT being allowed to have an independent emotion and so they end up feeling alone, lost, disconnected, unloved and uncared for.
Far too many people either mirror or become defensive unaware all they are doing is making the upset person worse and eroding their connection.
An upset person isn’t a signal for us to self-protect it’s a message that the person you say you love is suffering on some level.
If you look at their behaviour as a cry for help or to be heard why on earth would anyone make this moment about themselves?
You see people say they are loving but through their own out-of-control triggers, they stop loving and start judging.
They somehow feel qualified to be the judge of their partner whilst at the same time losing connection with who they are and what they promised.
So if your partner becomes upset or angry, how does it make sense to become the worse version of yourself to support manage or help that situation?
Is there anywhere in life where when a problem presents itself becoming the worst version of yourself is the answer?
So if it never works anywhere why do it to the one you say you love?
People are simply losing control of themselves and their intelligence.
It’s like watching two five-year-olds slapping each other in a playground.
If this destructive pattern keeps happening this is likely to shut them down and this breeds a model where resentment is what they attach to their partner.
Your partner’s upset is NEVER about YOU it’s about them and how they feel.
This is just one of many patterns that couples are doing to their relationship which need to be reconfigured so they work.
Want to know how to get them all to work, together or on your own? Apply to learn today!
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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