A Psychologist and her husband a Property Developer came to me for emergency help.
They were on the edge of divorce and needed a crisis specialist to help them understand the best next steps.
They were full of confusion and questions.
Should we stay together? Should we part? What about separation?
They were concerned about their children they were afraid and confused with so much at stake.
They couldn’t see a safe path to take and were paralysed and stressed because being stuck was also not an option.
They were both exhausted.
I firstly helped them to slow down
The key was not to make a reflex decision it was important to step back and gain the right answers so they could choose the next steps intelligently.
So I took them through a process not to fix their marriage, but to help them understand their problems properly and help them discover what they were capable of achieving once they understood what had happened and why.
It was quite a journey with many parts
At the start of this process, they both struggled to be in the same room and divorce was a very real option.
Both of them were protecting yourselves from each other and their marriage couldn’t sustain that pattern so they hit crisis.
Their love was essentially dead and it was only the fact they had children was keeping them together.
They lost connection with themselves
You see the biggest challenge they both faced wasn’t just their connection with each other although that did need attention as there were challenges with communication, needs, and attraction.
The starting point was they had both lost connection with who they both really are when they were together.
This made them both miserable and they both attached that pain to each other and blamed the marriage.
That process of being disconnected from themselves made them naturally incompatible.
BUT isn’t everyone who isn’t themselves with their partner incompatible in those moments.
Their problem was they became very good at practising not being themselves with each other so they created a pattern called “incompatibility” and it lead them both to an illusion.
The illusion was the marriage was over and that feeling was leading them both to a dead-end.
What they had lost was the understanding and ability to become the love they both told me was so important to them.
That was one of the root reasons for the pain they were both in.
So helping them both to feel safe to love each other was an important part of their solution.
To start with their connection had to be made safe.
Once the couple were out of self-focused survival mode, they were then able to look at what their partner needed and why.
This not only solidified their connection it also created a safe place for them to be together emotionally.
Now we could focus on attraction
That created the way to develop what equals attraction for them as a couple and they both discovered how to develop the masculine and feminine energies so in almost every action or conversation that energy of difference was present.
Now the differences were seen as strengths rather than a place of disconnect.
That meant staying sexually connected was not a massive shift in energy, because they learnt how to keep that energy bubbling.
What we were looking to achieve is they both had the understanding of how to show up in the marriage, so both understood how to become effective influencers.
Essentially triggering each other to experience emotions they both wanted.
The key to successfully helping a couple out of crisis is in the strategy of how to take a two very different people out of their crisis and into far safer new state of connection and contribution.