After counselling had failed to help, this retired couple described reaching a point where they thought:
“Well, that’s it, that’s the end.”
They had sought help, but still couldn’t find a way through their problems. Now they were lost, disconnected with no way forward left asking:
“What are we going to do?”
At a glance
- Clients: A retired couple, sharing their experience anonymously.
- The crisis: Damaged trust, repeated arguments and no understanding of how to break the cycle.
- Previous attempts: Professional help had no impact. His attempts to change and be more open were not restoring her trust.
- The change: They learned how to connect, work through difficult conversations and use that understanding themselves.
The pressure exposed what they did not understand
When he first contacted me, the husband described an incident three and a half years earlier. His wife had seen him having coffee in his car with another woman. He said he never saw that woman again, but occasional phone and message contact continued for two more years before ending completely.
This had happened around the time his mother died, when relations between him, his family and his wife were strained. The contact had ended. The damage to trust remained.
“Because of a loss of trust, my wife and I keep going round in circles revisiting the same arguments. We don’t know how to break this cycle.”
His next words showed how differently they were experiencing the situation:
“I want to forget about the whole time and move on, but my wife can’t.”
Years together had not given them the understanding they needed to work through this. Under pressure, the gap between them became painful.
He described shutting down as “preservation of self”. His wife described what it was like on the other side: “I knew he was shutting down and there was nothing I could do about it.”
He was protecting himself from the conversation while she was left unable to reach him. The issue stayed unresolved, ready to return in the next argument.
They had tried to find a way through
In his original message, he explained that he had tried to change and be more open, but this was not having the desired effect of regaining her trust.
They had also tried 6 weeks of counselling. Looking back, he said:
“I think from my perspective, it was pretty ineffective.”
“It didn’t challenge us, in the way this program did.”
It was after stopping that counselling that they recalled thinking they had reached the end.
His wife spent time reading my posts and other couples’ experiences. She shared them with her husband:
“I think you should read this. Because this is going to help us.”
The work we did gave them an “enlightened” way forward
Fast forward to the end of their 12 meeting program, now their story was very different.
When they described what had made their most critical changes possible, they returned to one central discovery:
“We knew we were different, but we didn’t understand why we were different.”
They began to understand how differently they thought and approached the same circumstances. They said nobody had explained or shown them this before.
One moment we recalled was her surprise at discovering that her husband did not understand the emotional security and connection that mattered so much to her.
Him not naturally understand this was shocking for her as it was so pivotal in how she felt in the marriage.
That gap gave us something specific to work on. Our work helped them understand each other’s experience, recognise what happened when they felt under pressure, and change how they responded.
His wife described the effect:
“You’ve made us look at things in a totally different way and a positive way. From his point of view, and him from my point of view.”
They began using that understanding themselves
This new understanding changed what they expected from each other:
“We now don’t expect the person to respond as we ourselves would respond to something.”
They learnt so much they could apply this to new problems as they came up.
That mattered when an outing brought up an old worry about trust. His wife explained that her previous assumption would have been that he was meeting somebody. They said that, before our work, this would have become a significant row without either of them understanding the worry behind it.
This time, they talked it through with compassion. They described how the conversation reassured her about the outing and helped her become calmer.
When they discussed a recent disagreement, they could say:
“We had an argument. But resolved it. Quickly and sensibly.”
The original enquiry to me had said they did not know how to break the cycle. Now they could describe the cycle and work through any difficult moment together.
They were now in a marriage they could move forward in together
Asked how things were now, they described being “in a much better place”. They were talking through issues better, going away more and seeing friends more.
They said:
“We’re happy.”
They also made a distinction that captured what had changed:
“We’re not just talking, we’re communicating better.”
They spoke about having “the tools to carry on”, and explained what that meant in their everyday lives:
“You know, we sit down, calm and discuss things.”
They were realistic about the work still ahead:
“Not saying we’re perfect, nothing’s perfect, but we’re a long way down the road, and hopefully we can find our way from here.”
They also valued knowing they could return for support if they reached a difficulty they could not resolve.
What their experience means for another couple
This couple had reached a point where they could not see how to move forward. Learning how to connect changed what they were able to do with the problems between them. They could understand each other more clearly and use that understanding when a difficult moment arose.
For a couple repeatedly having the same argument, their experience raises an important question: how much of what feels impossible comes from not yet understanding what happens between you, or how to change it?
I asked them what would they share with other struggling couples. Their advice to other couples was to read what I had written (case studies) and see whether it resonated with their own experience.
They said if you recognise yourselves in their story, the starting point is to understand what is keeping you stuck and what would need to change for you to move forward together.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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