The way couples are trying to get their needs met is killing their connection and making it unlikely their partner will ever want to meet their needs.
The couples that misunderstand this process will suffer as their resentments grow on both sides.
Couples that don’t know what they are doing change the process that worked when they first met.
Many end up with a destructive model. Meeting their needs is more like a demand, emotional manipulation, or a trade and this is guaranteed to kill their connection.
I can guarantee these people didn’t demand or trade their needs to get a second date. You cannot help someone to feel bad and they will entertain a second date.
Imagine you are on a first date and you demand how your date must act so you are emotionally happy.
Do you think you’ll get a second date?
Of course not.
How about I’ll take you to a lovely restaurant, but you must do some things for me or I won’t take you?
Would that trade get that person on a second date?
Of course not.
What about when you married did you promise to love them?
Or were your vows a promise for them to love you? “I promise YOU will love me…”!
You see the model of freedom that people start with isn’t what they end up with.
If you don’t do what I want the way I want, I’ll be upset with you, now that freedom is gone and love cannot grow.
That would never get a second date either but people practice it.
How about I’ll judge you, blame you, punish you and criticise you until you see it my way.
Would that get a second date?
All these negative behaviours patterns are the things people revert to when they don’t understand how to get their needs met intelligently.
Are your needs important? Yes of course, but your partner must be free and motivated to want to meet those needs.
Make your partner feel bad, they will attach that feeling to you, what are the chances of them now wanting to meet your needs?
People who have been practising the wrong pattern for years and are then shocked their partner wants to leave them has an affair or develops another destructive pattern to compensate.
This is not a theory, or a type of approach to understanding relationships, it’s common sense.
If you help someone to feel good they will attach that feeling to you. Help someone to feel bad and they will attach that feeling to you.
The missing skill is triggering a partner to meeting your needs, instead of constantly triggering them to end up resenting you.
If you don’t know how to achieve the model of helping your partner to want to meet your needs then it’s probably now time to get in touch.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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