What we are about to uncover today is affecting all couples across the planet. It’s one of the most significant problems couples face and most are totally unaware.
The result of this problem is people are buying negative emotions they experience when they are with their partner unaware of how to make sense of their feelings in a safe way.
Unfortunately, they keep attaching their emotions to their partner over time leaving them with a desire to leave their marriage.
This problem turns up in my session every time a couple or individual knocks on my door requesting help out of their crisis.
So I thought you should be aware of the problem so you can take the steps that are right for you.
To uncover this problem I’m going to share a few very short stories so I can set up what you need to know before you get to the problem.
Story one:
Some children are being loud and unruly in a public space. Imagine the thinking an onlooker might go through if they were subjected to this situation, eye-rolling, tutting “kids these days have no respect” maybe some of the responses.
BUT, how does the thinking change when that person discovers their mother died that day?
The meaning instantly changed.
Story two:
Imagine someone a friend who is always very late and on this one day they are inevitably late again and this time you have had enough so you call them to share your upset with them.
When they answer how does the thinking change when you learn their brother was just killed in a plane crash.
Both these examples are true stories one of them happened to me.
In each one of these examples, a judgment is being formed which creates an emotional response which is quickly changed when the truth of the situation is uncovered.
So how does this relate to couples?
When couples make assumptions or judgement about their partner’s behaviours, especially the ones they don’t like, unlike the examples I gave above they are not connected to the truth of their partner’s behaviour they are blind to something critical.
So they attach a meaning to the situation in most cases a negative one and this is what they start to grow.
[This is what I have to help them uncover in their sessions.]
Over time (many years) they will collect their own personal profile of who they think their partner is this will create a bias and so they start live in the story they have created.
If they dislike the profile they are creating they will stack resentments over time and move to emotionally protect themselves from their partner.
Remember they are responding to the thinking they have created.
Many will actively search or bend the situation to prove what they are thinking is true. Many are unaware they are doing this.
I see the result of this process every day – just because a person thinks it it doesn’t mean it’s true so getting the thinking right is critical.
This process is catastrophic for the relationship as it kills the desire for investment and that kills feelings of love and attraction and we all know where that leads.
The danger that is hidden in plain sight
So imagine this scenario.
A person over time builds a profile of their partner and the many judgements they are forming are helping the person to feel pain and suffer.
The problem is they have attached that pain and suffering to their partner and can end up concluding their partner is wrong or bad so the marriage must end.
Imagine what happens to these people when they discover their conclusions of their partners’ behaviours are wrong just like the kids in story one where we didn’t know was their mum had just died or the plane crash victim in story two.
You see what we are not taught anywhere is our partner is different from us in every way.
Just because they are different it doesn’t mean they are wrong.
What’s wrong is when someone feels they are qualified to judge anothers behaviours without understanding why they are doing what they are doing.
What is driving them to behave this way?
I have many people telling me their partner is awful and doesn’t care about them and this created emotional detachment.
Yet when I explore the truth I see the opposite in fact their partner was just as lost as they were.
It’s true they are not cared for in the way they need yet they never considered their partner would never naturally understand what would make the difference and why.
To compound the problem you would not believe the number of people who are upset they are not getting what they need yet when asked they have no idea what it is.
As one example men in their droves are telling me their partner is too sensitive.
Who is qualified to be the judge?
In these cases, men are judging what is right or wrong based on their own emotional systems.
Many women are telling me they have no emotional connection with their husbands, but they make the assumption that he understands what this is, how to do it, and why it’s important.
Many wives become so upset when he shuts her down wants her to let go of the problem and move on.
She is judging him for not dealing with the problem the way she does and she attached that negative emotion to him.
How men deal with their wife’s problems is simply the way he deals with their own – he is trying to be kind to her.
This is why men are so confused, he tries to fix her problems only to find her more upset at him, that response to him is baffling and is why many men stop engaging he knows he will get it wrong and to him, that’s too painful – so he stops.
From his perspective, he was only trying to help, but he too can judge he can put the meaning she is impossible to please or unreasonable, but only because he too doesn’t understand.
From her perspective, him shutting her down and moving on means she lost emotional security, emotional connection and trust and now he doesn’t care, she thinks this because she doesn’t understand him either.
This is just one example of thousands of differences couples are blind to.
Your partner is different from you
The gentleman who was waiting for the friend who was always late and he learnt his brother was killed in a plane crash was me and that moment changed everything for me.
It’s critical to attach the correct meaning to situations so it’s important to swap judgement for curiosity.
The key to building successful relationships is to learn how your partner is different, why they are different and how you can support them.
Anyone can keep judging blaming, judging and going to negative meanings, but there is no intelligence in that behaviour.
When smart people take the time to understand not just how their emotions are created, but how they can influence others positively, it’s a life skill that can be passed through generations.
In couples crisis work I have to help people who have suffered for years due to incorrect conclusions and meanings of who their partner is and how they misread the situation so badly they cause themselves pain and suffering.
It’s so important to put the correct meanings to your partners’ behaviours.
I have met so many people who have run this mistake through multiple marriages.
This is why divorce should be the last thing you do. In most cases, the couple is simply missing how to put the correct meaning to situations they don’t understand today.
The couples or individuals that take this step to learn are people of courage because they are willing to see the truth even if that means they got it wrong without knowing.
Maybe today is the day to step up and discover your truth.
Once the truth is understood only then can the person possess the power to evolve their connection in a positive manner.