The challenge we all face is on some level we all have some kind of unhelpful pattern that we learned growing up.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of because growing up we all learn to create different coping strategies for the challenges life throws at us and to be fair there are a lot of challenges.
Some of us growing up have had far bigger challenges than others so everyone’s patterns are unique to them.
I remember being in a session with a lady who learned to smile every time she was in emotional pain. She was doing exactly what her mother did.
So parents without knowing can give us their distorted patterns.
The problem is many of our emotional patterns are not helpful because they were created in our childhood for our childhood.
So if 90%+ of our emotional patterns were designed through childhood and those patterns form our automatic responses to life, Imagine as adults the problem we may incur.
As couples settle into life together they will become less present and the automatic patterns start to appear.
When a couple starts to run these outdated patterns with each other they will find they are instantly incompatible this creates conflict.
It becomes more apparent over time and will feel accelerated when the couple feels pressure that ignites their fear patterns.
These fear patterns can change the model of how we feel and see the world and in those moments we can say and do things that, we would never do normally.
What I’m sharing is this; they may be a perfectly compatible couple normally at the core, but if you add in their outdated patterns you will see the disconnect appear.
Emotional patterns are behaviours we use without conscious thought, if we had to think and negotiate every action life would be very difficult/boring/hard.
Much of what we do is automated (patterned) they are designed to make life easier and in most cases they do.
The problem is when fear strikes a person the emotional pattern they run is likely to trigger distorted behaviour in them and that will then trigger distorted behaviour in their partner.
Couples end up spending years practising and getting really good at these automatic patterns distorting how each person sees the other, you are negative and mean, and you are unloving and selfish.
The profile of who they married has now changed into a totally different person. They have created in their mind someone they would never choose if they met them for the first time today.
They get so good at practising these distortions, they can end up taking each person to the edge of feeling hopeless.
So exhausted they can start to give up and see the relationship as pointless.
This is where couples go in different directions.
Some will keep going till it ends, others will feel stuck, staying feels bad, but leaving them feels wrong too.
Then there are the other couples.
Deep down they know they love each other and for some couples, they can be so close to the edge of divorce they scare themselves into a full-blown cards on the table honest heart-to-heart.
It clears the air.
These couples talk and talk, in fact, they have never talked so much, they feel better and feel far more connected.
Relieved they may reconnect.
What they are not seeing is they are NOT currently running their patterns, they are both present so there is a change.
But as time passes and normal life resumes, their patterns naturally wander back and resume their role and now it feels worse than before.
This is a complex subject that I have simplified to help you see what I see every day.
Emotional patterns designed for a different lifetime can ruin your connection with someone you love today.
So NEVER assume a disconnected marriage is the whole truth, it’s only a truth of the distorted patterns, not of who they both really are.
So when you change the patterns in just one person in a very specific way that has THE POWER to change the patterns in both.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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