After nearly two decades of working with couples in crisis, I have seen a lot.
There is an insight I want to share that’s having an impact on every couple I see.
Many people in the space I’m about to share end up losing their relationships because of this problem, so it’s important to understand.
You see, many people are in a battle they don’t see, and it will kill their ability to have a healthy relationship with anyone.
They are in a battle between what they want and what they are trying to avoid.
The way they fight this battle generally means they lose, so it’s important to understand to take back control.
People are usually unaware they are trying to avoid their fears; some may even disagree they have any.
If the fear is big enough, they will do almost anything to avoid it.
They can do this consciously or subconsciously.
What these fears create is a distortion of who that person is.
People who are affected by this distortion end up living in a negativity-based bias.
They may feel alone, misunderstood, abandoned, not cared about.
The bias based on fears is going to be focused on seeing the world, a situation or a person worse than it is.
They are usually easily triggered and, for many, difficult to understand.
If practised, this can become their pattern and their story; to them, this distortion is normal and is who they are.
So, a person in this space can take a simple remark and use their fear-based filters to build the distorted meanings that they will attach to the situation or person.
A simple, innocent comment such as “Good morning“ could be responded with “What do you mean by that?”
A person may withhold love through fear of not getting it back.
A person may display paranoia at what they know others are thinking.
A person’s world may get smaller, or they may become emotionally detached to cope with their thoughts.
Many become bitter or angry at the world.
When fears are the driving force in a relationship, the outcome is always destructive.
Fears create distortions of perspective, and people with fears tend to identify with the fear, so they trust it and buy it as true.
This leads them to create behaviours that misrepresent who they are and so they live in the wrong identity.
The problem is that when one person has a fear system running, it tends to trigger their partners, and so they can cycle these warring emotional patterns.
The objective is to find a way to discover the truth.
Beliefs are not facts, so just because a mind communicates something, it doesn’t make it true.
We are NOT our thoughts, and getting clear on what our mind is really trying to say is critical.
The biggest challenge with fears is without knowing the person is using their fears as a focus.
This means whatever they fear, they are constantly directing themselves towards it.
It’s why fears are self-destructive.
One example is the lady who feared her husband would have an affair.
The fear drove her to withdraw her love.
After 11 years of no love from her, he met someone.
One lady was so fearful she would lose her husband that she kept ending the marriage so she could stay in control of what happened; bit-by-bit, she was pushing him away.
The person who plays the victim will live as one, so being a victim is all they will experience.
Freedom in these situations means connecting to what a person wants, but there is a problem; to do that, it means being vulnerable.
Fear-driven people will see this as dangerous, unaware the patterns they are running are far more destructive.
So the mission is to empower people, give them the courage to break through their fears and embrace and see their vulnerability as a strength.
It’s only when a person commits to being who they really are and brings that to the world are they truly free and safe.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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