We know it’s going to happen, which is why so many people end up avoiding talking: it always ends up in the same place.
Arguments, withdrawal, stonewalling, blaming, bickering.
These are clients’ actual words to me:
- “We’re not able to talk without rowing.”
- “If we do get together to talk it most often ends in arguments.”
- “We literally can’t have a conversation about anything at all without it ending in an argument.”
So many couples saying the same thing. None of this is pleasant. In fact, it makes being together quite miserable and quite frankly boring.
So couples that practice this pattern end up in this strange place where they are either in some form of conflict, not talking, or only talking about what is safe. But safe is not really connecting, it’s transactional and years of this not safe either.
Lack of connection breeds resentments and as they rise the pleasure goes an the marriage enters a very unhappy place.
So what is going on, and why do so many find connecting verbally so difficult?
Some say my husband is not a good communicator and other will say my wife. What you will discover is this many be a two person problem but lets see.
As I see it, there are a few compounding problems that many people do not consider.
Some may have all these challenges, and some may have a few even just one will cause problems.
The first problem couples don’t see is how different their partner is from them in terms of why they speak.
What is their reason for speaking?
Have you ever considered it? It’s true not everyone speaks for the same reason and with the same goal in mind and not knowing this will cause all manner of problems.
For illustration purposes im going to create two camps.
- The connection camp
- The solution camp
If you are a “connection person” trying to speak to a “solution person”, or vice versa, you are not going to get through if you keep speaking in your own language pattern, in fact you are likely to confuse and alienate them.
It’s almost like a totally different language many never knew existed.
Look at this example.
The connection person tends to wants to fill-up through connection and sharing. The solution person wants to solve it, let it go quickly and move on.
So when the connection person presents a problem, they want to connect, share and know they are not alone. To the solution person, this makes no sense.
You’ve had a bad time. You didn’t enjoy it the first time, and now you want to relive it over and over.
To stop the problem growing solution person might say, “You don’t want to worry about that,” and then offer a solution.
The solution person is feeling great because they have solved the problem, but is then in utter dismay as the connection person erupts in upset at not feeling cared for.
The solution person will usually withdraw or become frustrated, if this happens too many times the solution person will make a decision that conversations are unsafe so refuse to engage.
The connection person may try to connect more, overwhelming the solution person. Or they will withdraw and connect with someone else—someone who does care about them.
- The solution person feels like a failure, unloved, disrespected and un appreciated.
- The connection person feels alone abandoned unloved unsafe.
The way the solution person offers love and support is through their ability to fix things. This is their nature. Many partners want their spouse to come out of the solution zone and connect with them and can’t understand why they don’t.
So they put a meaning to this problem that usually lead to self-protection.
In fact both people are protecting themselves from a partner who is not trying to hurt them. Image 20 years of this if they get that far.
Communication in an intimate relationship is a learnable skill, but in terms of their individual natures, this knowledge will not defend so it’s like asking a lion to consider being vegetarian.
So this is the problem with how they engage.
This is why a single focus can turn into a problem with out repair and this results in the condition the marriage enters into is no longer about the initial issue is about what was said, how it was said,
But there is more to this conundrum that makes that three stage process worse.
Much of what people argue about is unmet expectations or needs and this also shows up in how they communicate.
Your partner’s needs are different from yours.
What drives them and what matters to them are different too, but many are unaware of how different their partner is.
It’s almost as though people are operating on the belief: “If you don’t think like me, you don’t love me,” or, “If you don’t think like me, you are wrong.”
And then there is the expectation that their partner should just know what they need because it’s obvious to them.
To you, it’s obvious. But partners are not good mind readers, and if this is an expectation this will be setting them up to fail, which isn’t very loving.
I can promise you that, nine times out of ten, your partner has no idea what you need or why you need it, in sessions you will notice that many people are unaware of what they need, they only know when they don’t get it met.
- Person one is a solution person, who embraces risk because its how their natural needs are organised its how they grow as a person.
- This person is a connection person and they crave certainty so are risk averse.
This example is one of 36 possible dynamics compounded by the type of communicator they are.
So when you communicate and your partner doesn’t respond the way you wanted, I want you to take a breath and think:
- Did I communicate with them in my language or theirs?
- Have I understood my own needs well enough and communicate them?
- Have I demonstrated that my partner needs matter?
The irony of this problem is that if you want to be understood, you have to understand your partner first so you can communicate in a way they can connect with, only then will they be able to receive your need.
You can shout, repeat yourself or say it more slowly, but unless it’s in their language, you will not get through.
There is another compounding factor: communication that connects and drives attraction. But do the basics first, because that is the start of what makes attraction possible.
This is a big topic, and I have only touched the tip of the iceberg, but my hope is that this has helped some and confused others.
This is bell that you cannot unring, because the next time you communicate and it goes wrong you are likely to remember this and wonder what you missed.
You see, what my clients learn is that your communication must set your partner up to be successful with you. You are supposed to be a team, so help them.
Don’t kick them because they don’t communicate like you.
I see so many people put their partner down for not understanding them, only to realise that they don’t understand their partner or themselves either.
So what you are learning is we don’t have a communication problem – we have a differences problem that causes communication problems.
You are not necessarily failing to communicate because one of you is a bad communicator. You may be failing because you are speaking from your own nature and expecting your partner to receive it as though they share the same nature.
The answer is not simply to talk more, repeat yourself, or find better words. The first step is understanding the differences that shape how each of you speaks, listens, needs, and responds.
Before I go I want you consider this last thought for this post today.
I spoke with a CEO of a company in Australia. I asked him a question. “What is the difference between CEO and husband?’
He said it rare he is stuck for words he didn’t know – how would this affect how he communicates with his wife do you think?
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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