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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Divorce Prevention

I have spent many many years working only with couples who are in crisis and on the edge of divorce.

What I’ve learnt during this time is what works and what doesn’t that will enable a couple to learn if it’s actually possible to rebuild their marriage no matter what’s happened.

If you are struggling then this list below is the list I wish I knew when I was starting out with my own relationships in my 20’s. With this knowledge, I could have saved myself a lot of time and discomfort.

1. Get on the same page by learning your partners true perspective.

If you want a relationship to work, or you want to start to get your relationship out of crisis then you must hear what your partner is really saying to you.

Essentially getting on the same page and aligning with your partners’ feelings and why they are feeling this way is critical.

Far too many people are far too interested in facts, and being right and those are the people that end up right… but alone!

The skill of listening is how to listen to what they are really saying and this is the mission if you want the true perspective and a step in the direction of the truth in your relationship.

Without this level of alignment, the connection is too challenged.

 2. Learn what drives/motivates them good and bad.

 You can’t motivate someone using only what you want to happen. If you want to move your partner then you must understand how they work, what they need and what they fear most.

Change in another person only happens in their mind so you must learn how it works and make this your mission.

Once you align with their perspectives in the relationship and you really hear them, then you can position yourself as potential support for them. Add into that support their core motivators of pleasure and pain and you become a more valuable supporter of their life and mission.

This is some of what can rebuild trust which is a critical focus if you want to be valuable

3. Change those patterns that are destroying the marriage.

There are three frames where patterns exist in every relationship. Your patterns, your partners’ patterns and the relationship patterns.

Understanding and changing any destructive patterns is key if you’re going to build a successful marriage for life.

The patterns must change to reflect what the couple/individuals value most. So if what you say is important is not reflected in your behaviours then you are not reflecting the best of YOU in your marriage. So if you can’t trust you to be you, why should your partner trust you to look after them.

Good patterns to get rid of are judgements, assumptions, rules, mind-reading to name a few.

This is critical to learn to avoid resentments taking hold.

4. Learn how to see your problems differently.

The reason so many couples start to shut down is they trap themselves into seeing their relationship problems as impossible to solve.

When a couple starts to see their problems in ways that are solvable then the couple can start to become active again as their hope is reignited.

A typical presentation to me is we are incompatible. That’s a dead-end statement. BUT all couples are incompatible if they are not themselves in the relationship. Incompatibility could be reframed as loss of energy, boredom, loss of connection to self.

Again this is down to aligning with what the person who is stuck is experiencing and helping them see the same stimulation differently.

You, of course, can’t do this if they don’t trust you, so you must have their best interests at heart, which is why earlier steps are critical.

5. Learn what it really takes to be an attractive partner.

One of the key functions in any of my work is helping both individuals to become attractive to their partner again. In my view, unless attraction is part of any intervention the couple’s problems are likely to resurface.

So learning what equals attractive to your partner is significant if you want a chance to build a life together.

When we first meet someone attraction for many is just there, but fast forward a few years then couples have replaced attraction and passion, with disconnection through challenges such as misunderstandings, miscommunication, mind-reading and assumptions.

These are all foundations of resentment and a source of what creates disconnection.

6. Help your partner become more of who they really want to be.

One of the most valuable gifts you can give your partner is to learn about them and then free them to be all of who they want to be within the relationship.

So many people want to get out of their marriage because they feel they can only be themselves outside the relationship.

So free them and help them embrace who they really are.

Encourage self-discovery and never ever kill their dreams.

7. Create a safe environment for an authentic emotional connection.

Many people in marriages don’t have the one thing that will keep it alive. Emotional connection is critical to learn to have together.

Without it, there is no platform for emotional expression and sharing in a way that connects the energy that breeds attraction.

The emotional connection as a foundation has to be there to navigate everything from conflict to deep sexual desires.

Unless both people can feel safe to be all of who they are, the relationship can feel blocked, stuck, or the person could feel, rejected, alone or isolated.

8. Build a secure foundation through what you both value

All of what we discussed so far is going to be different for every couple. So understanding how to build all this through what’s important to both people is so important.

What do you value and what has to happen for those values to be met? Helping someone in a relationship to consistency be disconnected from what they value most will help them feel pain and they can attach that pain to you.

So sharing and understanding what someone values most enables them to feel good more often which they then attach to you.

9. Always move the marriage towards a higher purpose.

Whatever action you take there must always be a bigger goal. For example, if someone is upset it’s important to help them experience support, strength, love.

You see all couples have problems and the key is to repair those problems quickly in a way that enable both people to let them go.

I see so many people with the pattern of you are upset, so I’m going to be upset at you being upset at me. This pattern only makes both people feel worse. There is no higher purpose.

So what is the purpose of the behaviour behind the upset and how can you meet that need?

This is a critical question…

10. Plan a future that’s purposeful and exciting for you both.

Most couples don’t plan well enough. They don’t plan the life they want, they don’t plan the relationship they want, they don’t design who they should be in the relationship. So the relationship becomes vulnerable as there really is no shared future to get excited about or lose.

So it’s critical to become a team in every aspect of a couples journey through life together.

All of the above stacks the odds in the favour of the couple if the couple makes these areas a focus and prioritises their relationship.

Sadly many people only prioritise their marriage when their partner wants out….

By learning and applying everything above couples are reconnecting not just to each other, but to their true selves. When this is achieved this is where lasting success lives.

You see the goal(s) is never to change the essence of the person, the goal is simply to help the person(s) become a better, attractive and far more magnetic partner.

Many of my clients are finding the path to true success once they have the right information and it starts with learning how to become a valuable partner.

Next step is up to you…

Stephen Hedger

P.S. FOR PEOPLE SERIOUS ABOUT GETTING ANSWERS NOW. If you want to get answers to your marriage problems book a FREE call with me here.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • When a marriage breaks down – What do I do?
  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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