Because, it’s never about what’s been said — it’s what’s heard that shapes everything.
What happened next, in that tiny cafe, mirrored exactly what I see destroy connection in marriages every single week.
I was sitting in a small coffee shop in Spain.
None of the staff spoke English.
A man walked in and said,
“Hot chocolate, please.”
The barista looked at him, completely blank.
So he said it again.
“Hot chocolate?”
Still nothing.
Then he tried slowing it down.
“Hot… cho-co-late?”
Still no comprehension.
So he did what many of us instinctively do when we’re not understood:
He said it louder.
Then louder again.
Then with some emotional flair.
And finally — in one last burst of creative frustration — he barked out:
“HOT… CHOC-O-LARTO!”
As if adding a made-up Spanish twist would suddenly unlock understanding.
It didn’t.
Complaining that they didn’t speak English, this gentleman saw them as the problem.
But that wasn’t the real issue.
The real problem?
He didn’t speak Spanish.
He walked into their world expecting his language to be understood.
And when it wasn’t, he didn’t adapt — he just got louder, and more frustrated.
This is exactly what I see inside marriages — every single week.
One partner tries to get through,
The other doesn’t respond in the way they want.
So they say it again and again, and again.
Then louder.
Then slower or faster.
Then with attitude, sarcasm, withdrawal, or threat.
They don’t realise… it’s not a hearing problem.
It’s a translation problem.
In fact, a doctor once shared a story with me that proves the point.
She said something that always makes her smile is when a man comes in to get his hearing checked.
“Why are you here?” she asks.
And almost every time, the man says:
“My wife sent me. She thinks I can’t hear her.”
The doctor laughed and said,
“And 9 times out of 10 — his hearing is perfectly fine.”
You see the problem isn’t his ears.
He just doesn’t know how to hear her.
Because here’s the truth:
A man hears only a small percentage of what his wife is saying —
because he only understands a very small percentage.
She is unaware to him she is speaking a different language.
And more importantly, he doesn’t hear what she’s not saying.
The sighs. The silences. The subtle shifts in tone or energy.
These are lost on him, not because he doesn’t care,
but because no one ever taught him how to translate what she is saying so he can understand.
She ends up frustrated, he has no idea what going on.
To him problems are happening out of nowhere.
And the real issue?
Both men and women suffer with this because neither knows how to hear each others true intent.
I remember Cloé and I in our first year of marriage. I noticed her becoming unsettled when I was quiet.
I asked her what it meant to her and she said trouble is coming.
Which was interesting because I’m quiet either when I’m at my happiest or when I’m problem solving.
People translate what’s being said through their own emotional filters —
which means they often miss the true meaning entirely.
A simple frustration becomes a personal attack.
A request for closeness is heard as nagging.
A moment of silence is filled with assumptions.
And when does this disconnect do the most damage?
During conflict.
When emotions run high and connection is already strained,
a small disconnect can become a major argument.
So what started as a minor moment of miscommunication
can quickly spiral into a full-blown row —
not because of the issue itself,
but because of the gap in emotional translation.
And I See This Every Day
As I sit and listen to couples communicate, I don’t just hear words —
I watch two different emotional operating systems trying to connect… and constantly misfiring.
One person thinks they’re being clear.
The other hears something entirely different.
Both are frustrated.
Both are confused.
Both are convinced the other just doesn’t care.
But they’re not bad people.
They’re just running incompatible emotional software.
It’s why, when I speak with couples together,
I deliberately construct sentences I know they will both understand —
even if they each take something slightly different away.
Because I’ve learned something important:
It’s not what you say that matters — it’s what’s understood.
Comprehension is everything.
And when there’s no shared language,
even love gets lost in translation.
I can’t stress this enough:
This misunderstanding — this failure to translate —
It’s at the root of so many relationship problems.
It’s not laziness. It’s not stubbornness. It’s not malice.
It’s a misalignment in meaning.
And until that’s addressed,
you can talk all day and still go nowhere.
You Don’t Need to Speak Louder — You Need to Learn their Language
Your partner may not be ignoring you.
They may not be rejecting you.
They may simply be hearing a completely different message than the one you think you’re giving.
And if you’re not fluent in their emotional language,
then everything you say risks being misunderstood, misinterpreted, or missed entirely.
This is the invisible reason couples drift apart — and the essential skill no one teaches us.
The Shift That Changes Everything
When you stop expecting your partner to just “get it”…
When you stop repeating yourself in your own language…
When you start asking:
“What language do they speak emotionally?”
“How can they receive what I want to share in the way i mean it?”
That’s when the relationship starts to make sense and heal.
Because connection doesn’t land through repetition.
It lands through translation.
This is what I call becoming emotionally bilingual — and it’s one of the greatest gifts you’ll ever give your marriage.
This COMMUNICATION skill is ONE of the foundational parts of 5C Coaching Blueprint, which I use to help couples out of crisis and into lasting connected marriages.
By breaking down each critical skill, it enables the clients to progress through the process using a trackable way of understanding their progress.
Once you have your score and your report, you will then see how to get the help you’ll really need.
The way to use this is to set your score today – follow the advice and in 6 weeks time check the scores again to see improvement.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
- “The One Shift Everyone Must Know” - July 11, 2025
- What If You Knew the Exact Mistakes That Destroy Marriages? - July 8, 2025
- “What Do You Hear When I Speak?” - July 5, 2025