“You need to divorce.”
This was the message a couple had been given after nine months of getting help with their marriage.
Their relationship had hit rock bottom. They were living parallel lives, sleeping in separate bedrooms and emotionally they were on totally different pages.
They had attended weekly meetings trying to find a way through, but the process eventually collapsed and only one person continued attending.
In the final meeting the husband was advised to file for divorce because, in her opinion, their marriage could never work.
All the evidence seemed to support that conclusion.
They had tried to get help.
Nothing had changed.
They were still disconnected and neither person could see a future that made any sense.
But something inside him was still asking…
“Is she right? Is there really no hope for us?”
He wasn’t convinced his marriage could be saved. He simply wasn’t convinced that they fully understood why it had broken.
That distinction is important.
Ending a marriage is life changing. It affects two people, their children, their families and a future they may have spent decades building together.
So before a couple makes that decision, surely they deserve to know whether their marriage has really failed or whether the process they used to repair it has failed?
They are not the same thing.
To be clear, getting a second opinion should never be about searching until someone tells you what you want to hear.
Some marriages should end. If there is violence, abuse, coercive control or a genuine risk to anyone’s safety, protection must come first. There are also situations where one person refuses to take responsibility or stop behaviours that are causing real harm.
An honest assessment may confirm that separation is the right outcome.
BUT!
A failed attempt to repair a marriage does not automatically prove that the marriage is incapable of being repaired.
It only proves that what has been tried hasn’t worked.
The important question is why?
I remember another couple who believed their problem was sexual.
They were not having sex, so they did the logical thing and asked a sex therapist to help them fix their sex life.
It made perfect sense.
No sex. Find someone to help with sex.
But their lack of intimacy wasn’t the cause of their crisis. It was the result of a much deeper emotional disconnection that neither person properly understood.
They had asked someone to help them fix the issue they could see, while the process creating that issue continued underneath it.
The professional may have been doing exactly what the couple had asked them to do.
The problem was the problem they had asked her to solve.
Their sexual disconnection was a symptom.
This is where so many couples get into trouble.
The issue is not always the real problem.
Sometimes the issue is the symptom of the problem.
The arguments are real. The separate bedrooms are real. The lack of intimacy, resentment, affairs, loss of trust and the feeling that you are no longer in love are all very real.
But these issues can be the result of a much deeper process that has been running between two people for years.
When couples become hurt, frightened or emotionally exhausted, they start protecting themselves from each other.
One person may push harder to be heard while the other retreats.
One may become critical while the other becomes defensive.
One may keep asking questions while the other shuts down because every question feels like more proof that they are failing.
Both people are usually trying to stop their own pain, but without knowing they are creating more pain for their partner.
The process goes round and round.
Over time resentments stack, trust disappears and both people become more certain that their partner is the problem.
This creates the condition of the marriage.
A marriage full of protection, emotional exhaustion and hopelessness will naturally create more issues. Those new issues then become further evidence that the relationship cannot work.
So the couple tries harder to fix what they can see.
They talk more.
They explain themselves again.
They revisit everything that has happened.
But if both people are still listening through protection, the conversation simply gives them more reasons to protect themselves.
Now they are not only struggling with their marriage.
They are using every failed attempt to repair it as proof that they are incompatible.
So back to the first couple…
The husband decided to keep looking because he still felt something was missing.
He said the lady they had been seeing was nice and helpful. This was not about blaming her and I wasn’t in those meetings, so I could not know exactly what had happened.
What I did know was that after nine months the couple still didn’t understand why their marriage had become so destructive, what was keeping it that way or what would have to change.
The husband contacted me and briefly explained their situation, what they had tried and where the process had ended.
I told him I didn’t know if I could help.
That was the truth.
I hadn’t met his wife. I hadn’t seen them together and I had no intention of promising that their marriage could be saved before I understood what was happening.
What I offered was a meeting where I could assess them both and give them my perspective.
When they arrived it was very apparent that their dynamic had become fear based and destructive.
They were both suffering, but knowing that they were suffering wasn’t enough. They needed to understand what was creating it and why everything they had tried had failed to change it.
I drew a series of human behaviour models on the office whiteboard reflecting what I could see happening between them.
For the first time they could look at their marriage from a different position.
They had been looking at each other as the problem.
Now they could start to see the process they were both caught inside.
They could see how the visible issues had been created, how fear had pushed them towards protection and how their protection had gradually created the condition they were now living in.
Once they could see the real problem, they could also see why trying to fix the symptoms had taken them round in circles.
This didn’t prove their marriage would work.
Understanding the problem is not the same as solving it.
What it gave them was the opportunity to make a much safer decision because they could finally see what would need to change and what each person would have to take responsibility for.
I made it clear that I would only agree to help them if they were both committed to doing the work.
They agreed and I worked with them both together and separately through a process designed around their specific situation.
As they progressed, the fear controlling their relationship started to be replaced by new understanding and skills.
They began to feel better about themselves and more confident about how to interact with each other. At times they were excited by what they were learning and at other times they remained sceptical.
I understood their scepticism.
After everything they had already tried, why should they trust another process simply because someone told them to?
Their confidence grew because they started to experience natural changes in their relationship.
By the time our work was nearing its conclusion, they were sleeping in the same room again and planning their future together.
Over a year later they came back to see me.
They wanted to thank me, but they also wanted to ask a very different question.
They were no longer asking whether their marriage could survive.
They wanted to understand how they could create an even better future for themselves personally and together.
What had once looked like a marriage with no future had become a relationship they wanted to keep developing.
My message today is not that the advice they were originally given was wrong.
It is not that every couple who has been advised to divorce should stay together.
And it is definitely not that you should ignore serious advice simply because you don’t like the answer.
The message is much simpler.
The failure of a helping process is not automatically proof that your marriage has failed.
If you have been getting help but are still going round in circles, stop and ask what has actually been understood.
Have you been working on the visible issue or the process creating it?
Has anyone identified what happens between you when fear and protection take over?
Do you understand the condition that years of that process has created?
Has anyone assessed whether both people are willing and capable of making the changes needed?
You don’t need someone to blindly save your marriage.
You need to understand the truth about it.
Only then can you make a safe decision about whether to rebuild it or bring it to an end.
If you have tried getting help but remain stuck, you can apply for a Confidential Marriage Triage Call.
This is not therapy and it is not a promise of reconciliation. It is a private conversation designed to establish what may be creating the crisis, whether joint work is safe and appropriate, what must change first and whether a High-Stakes Marriage Assessment is justified.
Before you make a decision that could change the rest of your family’s life, make sure you know whether your marriage has failed—or whether the real problem has never been diagnosed.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
- They Were Told to Divorce. But Had the Real Problem Been Diagnosed? - September 4, 2026
- He Thought Their Marriage Crisis Had Just Begun. She Had Been Living in It for Years. - September 3, 2026
- Why More Conversations Aren’t Saving Your Marriage - September 1, 2026