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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“Resentment Stacking”

When a persons’ marriage is NOT turning out to be the way they hoped, they are going to start stacking resentments towards their partner. This has the ability to have a powerfully destructive effect on this couple’s marriage.

In today post I’m going to talk about a powerfully hidden force that so many couples don’t notice until it’s too late.

The key is to catch this as early as possible.

When a person stacks resentment towards their partner they have the ability to start the process of creating negative attachments.

These resentments will move them towards creating an automatic filter that eventually converts most things in the relationship into a negative experience.

Of course, the good in the relationship will still be there and possible, but the person filling up with resentment will not see them because their search will be focused on only looking for what’s wrong.

The problem with this practice is what’s wrong will be easy to find and this will form the proof they need that the relationship is either wrong or emotionally unsafe.

When this negative focus starts their husband or wife can start to feel that nothing they do works or is ever good enough for them.

This results in one or both people protecting themselves from each other, this is not a good place for the couple to be and should be seen as a sign a change is needed.

The reactive change that most people adopt is they work so hard in searching for what’s wrong they end up only seeing one choice and that’s to disconnect from the marriage.

In reality, there are many choices and perspectives but without seeing them shutting down the relationship is where far too many couples go.

The need to protect ourselves from our partners is typical in couples that come to see me for specialist crisis help.

Loss of passion the first casuality for many

You see, with resentments stacked high, couples are focused on protecting themselves from each other and this creates the natural first causality – their passion and attraction for each other.

Passion is the life force needed to keep the relationship alive. Passion is one of the foundations for ensuring the relationship lasts.

Couples that successfully stay together are passionate about their life together. They are passionate about being together and are both excited about where they are going.

These couples have a purpose and are a team so their relationship magnifies the emotions they both need.

Individuals that have stacked their resentments are magnifying everything they would rather avoid.

Resentments eventually stop individuals from seeing their future together and so they can’t wait to spend time away from their relationship as their needs will start to be met elsewhere.

Freedom will be the core need if resentment is practised 

My message to all couples is this: When your relationship enters this destructive emotional space of resentment the faster you take action to get help the easier it is to sort it out.

You see there is a window of opportunity to deal with this problem. The window opens when someone starts their resentment stacking and it closes when someone has had enough and makes a decision.

If your partner is struggling in the relationship and they have asked for help don’t ignore them, they may be in more emotional pain than you realise.

When someone makes a decision to get out of their marriage getting them back in is a massive job. It’s massive because it’s usually taken them years of pain to get to this point.

Asking them to experience that pain again is not going to motivate them towards fixing the marriage.

This means even couples that could have saved their marriage don’t because the process will be too much for them.

The trend I see is the average time scale to detach emotionally is about 2 years from when someone feels wrong in their marriage.

Many people make the mistake of hoping things will just get better, relationship problems never gets better on their own.

IMPORTANT: Relationship problems do not fix themselves!!!!

My message is simple: You have to know why it went wrong to make it right. So doing nothing, or doing the wrong thing is like playing the lottery with the future of your relationship.

Far too many marriages fail for all the wrong reasons and this is because too many people are simply not aware of what’s really happened to get them to such a destructive place.

Knowledge is the key to taking the right actions

It’s too easy to blame the relationship. My clients very often discover what they thought was the problem turns out to be very different.

In many cases, resentment is formed through a lack of understanding of each others perspective and world.

In some resentment is formed due to their inability to be able to influence their partner.

In others, resentment is formed due to a constant lack of trust.

These situations are missing the question “Why?”

“Why does my partner always lie?”

“Why doesn’t my partner seem to care?”

“Why is everything more important than me?”

Unless the answer to this question of WHY is accurate their reactive behaviours will always create a bigger problem because it’s based on relationship killing behaviours.

  • Mind-reading
  • Defensiveness
  • Assumptions
  • Blame
  • Negative judgments

Bring these to the table and the resentment cycle will accelerate. Learning is the key to couples problems.

Learning how to listen and translate your partners’ world is critical because without this skill you’ll never understand their true intent.

Category iconDestructive Patterns,  Marriage Coaching,  Personal Development,  Top 10 Popular Posts

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

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When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • When a marriage breaks down – What do I do?
  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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