Rebuilding connection and trust is a process.
Couples who are potentially on the edge of divorce will have taken a few years to get to this point and will be full of misunderstandings compounded by an inability to see the real problem.
This can lead them to conclude they are incompatible.
Taking a couple through a new way of looking at their relationship through 6 SHIFTS will create a different emotional experience that will help them see what they are capable of achieving.
I have clients do this as a couple or on their own.
Shift One – Your relationship with you
It’s extremely difficult to have a successful relationship with another person if you don’t know how YOU work.
Shift one is about your relationship with yourself.
How do my feelings happen? Who am I? What drives me? What are my fears? Can I control any of this?
People who struggle with their relationship with themselves usually need the people around them to change so they can be emotionally stable.
Unfortunately, this is where many problems start as one or both people start to make demands that compromise the other.
You can see this kind of behaviour in “the mirror pattern” when one person gets upset the other is upset because they have become upset both people lose connection with themselves.
People who live in a fear-based model (everyone has stuff to deal with) usually have many rules for life and are easily triggered to an emotional upset.
More rules equals a greater chance of being upset.
Once a person understands how to get the best out of themselves even when the world around them is struggling that’s when the person has mastered their own emotional states.
Then they can move on to the next shift.
Shift two – Your partner is nothing like you
This mind shift is particularly critical to master.
Your partner has different needs, a different communication pattern, different routes to safety and sexual attraction.
Who knew sexual attraction happens differently in each person and so what’s normal in one could kill the attraction in the other.
These differences are very easy to see at points of conflict, as each person cannot understand why the other is acting this way.
They are having the same conversation whilst trying to meet totally different needs, neither person knows this.
When couples interact without the right comprehension it creates a natural disconnect.
The skill of emotional alignment is critical for the couple to learn so they can build a foundation of emotional security.
Couples can end up either giving up on communicating because nothing good comes from it.
Or
They go through the war and exhaustion cycle.
Not understanding this shift causes most couples to disconnect some feel the need to divorce when they don’t get this right.
Shift Three – Emotionally detach from past wrongs and connect to a higher purpose
If a person is holding onto past wrongs or fears this will block their ability to contribute effectively.
You see you can’t protect yourself from your partner and love them it’s impossible.
The relationship needs both people to be emotionally resentment free so the process of forgiveness is an important step.
This is not about forgetting it’s about two people learning from their past and growing a deeper level of security through each other’s gifts and connecting to their higher purpose.
Focusing on being safe does not create more love it kills it.
Shift four – What do we both need and why is it so different?
When two people understand each other’s specific needs, the connection is far easier.
Individuals are driven through very different needs and it affects how they communicate and experience the world.
This means their motivations are different and what’s important to one can be irrelevant to the other.
This difference can cause couples stress as they to struggle because they don’t feel understood or connected.
People with different need structures will go about the same thing very differently both convinced their way is best or the right way.
This will affect their thinking, their behaviours and their communication.
When the relationship stops meeting a person’s critical needs the person will automatically (without thought) use other means to get their needs met.
Work, hobbies, kids, friends affairs to name a few examples so this is a very important step.
Shift five – Interrupting destructive patterns
In relationships conflict and disagreements are normal.
What’s important is how those exchanges are managed.
A couple who are on different pages must end their exchange with more connection, more security and more love.
This stops resentments from stacking and paves the way to more pleasure.
Remember stacked resentments must be avoided as love cannot grow here and for some connection can die.
When a person understands how to control their own negative triggers during conflict (see shift one) it enables them to bring creativity to the problem in a way that supports themselves, their partner and keeps the marriage safe.
Shift six – Become a team
Many couples struggle to stay invested in themselves and each other so end up living parallel lives like they are on automatic pilot.
Many couples decide to have a family and through this process become a mum and a dad and lose the identity of husband and wife.
This causes terrible problems once the kids leave home as they no longer know how to function as a couple resulting in many couples entering crisis as soon as the kids leave home.
Other couples are not invested in the direction they are heading they are directionless head down getting on with their life.
Other people have assumed the direction they are taking the marriage is what the other wants.
Having a shared purpose and future that’s exciting is part of what creates a bulletproof connection so understanding this step is critical.
The point of being a team is we are stronger together than we are apart.
When a couple is a true team they will compound the emotions they both want, so they experience more connection, more, love, more joy, passion.
Sadly couples with a poorly designed connection, in the end, will only compound the feelings they are both trying to avoid.
———
A lack of understanding of each shift above compounds any disconnect and this creates a loss of emotional connection and this creates a loss of emotional security.
Couples at this point will have run out of ideas and can assume there is no way forward unaware they are limited by what they know and what’s possible.
Each year I am developing and fine-tuning the Marriage Breakthrough Program so couples can understand what kind of dynamic they can naturally create with the right information.
In most cases, the couple’s problems are not due to the couples natural dynamic.
The real problem lies in their thinking and by expanding their knowledge they can develop the thinking that will support the growth of their connection.
This new knowledge puts them back in control in a way that doesn’t lead to ongoing uncomfortable compromises.
If this had made sense to you, you can join this eye-opening life-changing program on your own or as a couple.