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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“The 6 Shifts Needed to Rebuild Connection & Trust after a Marital Crisis!”

Rebuilding connection and trust is a process.

Couples who are potentially on the edge of divorce will have taken a few years to get to this point and will be full of misunderstandings compounded by an inability to see the real problem.

This can lead them to conclude they are incompatible.

Taking a couple through a new way of looking at their relationship through 6 SHIFTS will create a different emotional experience that will help them see what they are capable of achieving.

I have clients do this as a couple or on their own.

Shift One – Your relationship with you

It’s extremely difficult to have a successful relationship with another person if you don’t know how YOU work.

Shift one is about your relationship with yourself.

How do my feelings happen? Who am I? What drives me? What are my fears? Can I control any of this?

People who struggle with their relationship with themselves usually need the people around them to change so they can be emotionally stable.

Unfortunately, this is where many problems start as one or both people start to make demands that compromise the other.

You can see this kind of behaviour in “the mirror pattern” when one person gets upset the other is upset because they have become upset both people lose connection with themselves.

People who live in a fear-based model (everyone has stuff to deal with) usually have many rules for life and are easily triggered to an emotional upset.

More rules equals a greater chance of being upset.

Once a person understands how to get the best out of themselves even when the world around them is struggling that’s when the person has mastered their own emotional states.

Then they can move on to the next shift.

Shift two – Your partner is nothing like you

This mind shift is particularly critical to master.

Your partner has different needs, a different communication pattern, different routes to safety and sexual attraction.

Who knew sexual attraction happens differently in each person and so what’s normal in one could kill the attraction in the other.

These differences are very easy to see at points of conflict, as each person cannot understand why the other is acting this way.

They are having the same conversation whilst trying to meet totally different needs, neither person knows this.

When couples interact without the right comprehension it creates a natural disconnect.

The skill of emotional alignment is critical for the couple to learn so they can build a foundation of emotional security.

Couples can end up either giving up on communicating because nothing good comes from it.

Or 

They go through the war and exhaustion cycle.

Not understanding this shift causes most couples to disconnect some feel the need to divorce when they don’t get this right.

Shift Three – Emotionally detach from past wrongs and connect to a higher purpose

If a person is holding onto past wrongs or fears this will block their ability to contribute effectively.

You see you can’t protect yourself from your partner and love them it’s impossible.

The relationship needs both people to be emotionally resentment free so the process of forgiveness is an important step.

This is not about forgetting it’s about two people learning from their past and growing a deeper level of security through each other’s gifts and connecting to their higher purpose.

Focusing on being safe does not create more love it kills it.

Shift four – What do we both need and why is it so different?

When two people understand each other’s specific needs, the connection is far easier.

Individuals are driven through very different needs and it affects how they communicate and experience the world.

This means their motivations are different and what’s important to one can be irrelevant to the other.

This difference can cause couples stress as they to struggle because they don’t feel understood or connected.

People with different need structures will go about the same thing very differently both convinced their way is best or the right way.

This will affect their thinking, their behaviours and their communication.

When the relationship stops meeting a person’s critical needs the person will automatically (without thought) use other means to get their needs met.

Work, hobbies, kids, friends affairs to name a few examples so this is a very important step.

Shift five – Interrupting destructive patterns

In relationships conflict and disagreements are normal.

What’s important is how those exchanges are managed.

A couple who are on different pages must end their exchange with more connection, more security and more love.

This stops resentments from stacking and paves the way to more pleasure.

Remember stacked resentments must be avoided as love cannot grow here and for some connection can die.

When a person understands how to control their own negative triggers during conflict (see shift one) it enables them to bring creativity to the problem in a way that supports themselves, their partner and keeps the marriage safe.

Shift six – Become a team

Many couples struggle to stay invested in themselves and each other so end up living parallel lives like they are on automatic pilot.

Many couples decide to have a family and through this process become a mum and a dad and lose the identity of husband and wife.

This causes terrible problems once the kids leave home as they no longer know how to function as a couple resulting in many couples entering crisis as soon as the kids leave home.

Other couples are not invested in the direction they are heading they are directionless head down getting on with their life.

Other people have assumed the direction they are taking the marriage is what the other wants.

Having a shared purpose and future that’s exciting is part of what creates a bulletproof connection so understanding this step is critical.

The point of being a team is we are stronger together than we are apart.

When a couple is a true team they will compound the emotions they both want, so they experience more connection, more, love, more joy, passion.

Sadly couples with a poorly designed connection, in the end, will only compound the feelings they are both trying to avoid.

———

A lack of understanding of each shift above compounds any disconnect and this creates a loss of emotional connection and this creates a loss of emotional security.

Couples at this point will have run out of ideas and can assume there is no way forward unaware they are limited by what they know and what’s possible.

Each year I am developing and fine-tuning the Marriage Breakthrough Program so couples can understand what kind of dynamic they can naturally create with the right information.

In most cases, the couple’s problems are not due to the couples natural dynamic.

The real problem lies in their thinking and by expanding their knowledge they can develop the thinking that will support the growth of their connection.

This new knowledge puts them back in control in a way that doesn’t lead to ongoing uncomfortable compromises.

If this had made sense to you, you can join this eye-opening life-changing program on your own or as a couple.

Category iconMarriage Coaching,  Personal Development,  Top 10 Popular Posts

"Clients have been kind enough to want to support YOU because they were once in your shoes"

Read their stories!

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Over 1000 Relationship Articles

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • When a marriage breaks down – What do I do?
  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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