Have you ever wondered why so many couples find communication difficult? In today’s post, I’m going to share some of the basics to help you.
To start, I’m going to share the basic mechanics so you can start to see the problem quickly.
When a person shares their words, each person will hear some or most of the words that are spoken, so it sounds like it should be straightforward.
The problem starts because both people think the words exchanged are what is being assessed, but this is not true, and it’s why there is a communication breakdown.
You see, what’s being assessed is the interpretation of that exchange.
This means each person will have developed their own unique meanings and attached those meanings to the interpretation of their words. To each person, they will be convinced their translation is correct.
If you look at the diagram above, you see the problem I’m sharing.
F1 in the diagram is the actual conversation. This is what the couple think they are communicating about.
The problem is their communication is really about the “F2 translation” and the “F3 translation”, so they are not talking about the same thing at all, as each person will be reacting to their own unique translation.
So, one person can create a translation that upsets them and blames their partner. It’s why a person might say you made me feel bad, or upset or sad or angry etc. They are unaware it’s their filters that created the translation and unhappy meaning not the F1 conversation.
This means they are not communicating about what was said; they are exchanging opinions/reactions about their own translations of what was said.
So one person may say you said “XYZ”, and the other person can say, “No, I didn’t!”
One person may have good intentions, but if the other person translates their partner’s words as uncaring, a battle will appear.
You can use this diagram to understand many communication patterns.
Alignment is critical
Your starting point is to understand that your partner is likely to interpret your words differently from how you mean them.
Usually, the worse a couple’s connection, the more likely they are to become poor translators of their partner’s words.
Please don’t make the mistake of thinking based on your words; your partner will instantly understand you because you will be wrong.
Let’s look at a simple agreement model: One person may say, “I like ice cream.” They smile, agree, and get on with their day, but what if they agree for very different reasons and don’t know?
One person likes to feel cool on a warm day, and the other remembers holidays with a favourite grandparent.
They are in agreement, but neither is going deeper into the specifics.
When couples are dating, they constantly assign very different meanings to the same things they like for very different reasons, which is why couples can struggle years after they marry.
In the ice cream example, why they are happy may feel unimportant, but what happens when the specifics become the most important part?
To expand on this question, what if one person has good intent but their partner has translated it as bad intent?
This is where conflict is born.
So, when a person does or says something with good intent and their partner translates their words as bad intent, they will naturally enter a conflict to protect their translation, intent or meaning.
Common examples
A man may look at a woman’s exchange as being overly emotional and translate this as bad, so the meaning he puts to her is that she’s badly behaved.
A wife may feel she is expressing herself clearly, but because her husband will translate her words very differently to her, she may feel he doesn’t care.
These differences can cause endless problems as each person fights to have the right translation.
What can dramatically impact each person’s meaning is a person’s emotional state at that moment.
Emotional states will affect the filters that govern a person’s interpretation and, therefore, their experience.
Changing emotional states will create powerful filters that can dramatically affect how a person’s translates a situation.
FOR EXAMPLE, a person who is struggling with trust may hear a partner say an innocent sentence like “Good morning” and respond with, “What do you mean by that?”
So, the emotional filter (or state) can dramatically affect how the person interprets any communication.
Other filters play a significant role in terms of how a person translates a situation.
- Some people believe we all think the same, so they will predict a response and then become upset or surprised when what comes back isn’t what they expected.
- Others have unmet expectations, which tends to cause instant bickering.
- People can be affected by filters such as differing needs, misaligned values, distorted histories or unhelpful beliefs.
- Others may have created filters from past upsetting experiences, and this can have a profound effect on what they hear (translate) when someone speaks, especially if they feel in emotional danger. These people can live on red alert, where it is easy for them to translate simple exchanges into attacks.
The filters listed above are all very powerful, but one filter is more powerful and confusing than any of them.
The simple fact is that men and women communicate for very different reasons in an intimate relationship, which can lead to a wide range of translation errors and negative translations.
Add that massive filter into the pot and combine it with any of the other filters listed; now, the communication model is infinitely confusing.
The Mission – Effective Translation Gains Alignment & Care
The problem I keep seeing is that couples are far too attached to their version of events. They miss the truth and become ineffective leaders of their relationships and families as negative reactions play out, leading to stacked resentments.
Some people bury their heads and refuse to see the problems, ignoring what’s really being said.
Others are so affected by fears and negative energy that all they can see is the worst of everything when they are with their partner.
I want my clients to understand the truth of what’s being said because that’s the only way the couple can grow and be successful leaders in their relationship and family.
The key skill in communication isn’t listening or speaking; it’s effective translation. So when one person speaks, they must learn how to comprehend what their partner really means when they speak.
I listen to hundreds of couples who feel misunderstood; they feel they can’t be themselves, and so they either cycle conflict or shut down, no longer seeing the point of speaking.
As you are starting to see, communication is potentially a highly complex area of a couple’s connection.
What’s great is that with a few simple shifts in understanding, couples can find new and empowering ways to connect through their words with each other.
You may now see how important it is to learn this communication skill, just like the other couples being coached on this critical topic right now.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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