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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“Leave them!?”

You only get one life, so if you’re in a painful relationship and suffering, of course, you can leave them,

BUT!…

And it’s a big but!!! Before you go, ensure you are not part of creating the very problem(s) you don’t like.

You see, many people are part of the problem but don’t see it, so they create a dynamic they don’t like and then blame their partner or relationship for it.

One woman became so controlling of her husband that she constantly emasculated him and then blamed him for not being man enough for her. 

A gentleman complained about their lack of sexual connection because she never seemed interested. He was unaware he switched off her ability to see him as attractive.

He didn’t understand how to help his wife become emotionally secure with him (which is a critical foundation for a healthy sexual attraction), so in response to feeling unsafe, she emotionally shut down and is now unable to see him as attractive. 

It’s true many people stay in bad relationships far too long…

BUT, as you can see, it’s also true that many people leave relationships unaware they are part of the problem, so when they leave their partner, the same problem will likely repeat itself in their new relationships.

To be safe: Get clarity

Don’t do what the mindless masses do: don’t have an affair, don’t do a trial separation (without expert guidance), don’t sit in resentment until you’re so emotionally numb you don’t care what happens.

None of these are safe.

Don’t get stuck; get busy getting clarity by being curious.

When the relationship isn’t working, find out why.

It’s far too easy to make a mistake in relationships, and if that mistake affects children, the negative consequences can last for decades.

Their next mistake…

The next mistake I see people make is seeking help on their own with the wrong type of help.

The right sort of help will challenge the person’s thinking, while the wrong help will validate the distorted thinking and, in some cases, encourage them to leave the marriage.

One lady came to me telling me her husband was abusive. So when I explored what she considered abusive, what she was really experiencing was a man being a typical man who simply didn’t understand his wife.

If she called him abusive and “the help” agreed with this, it would easily lead her to self-protect and disconnect from the marriage.

An abusive husband is impossible to solve, but a husband who wasn’t designed to understand his wife could be educated and she could safely reinvest.

So, I had to teach her how to show him what she needed so he would understand.

She never knew her job was to educate her husband on how she needed to be treated. This is a problem in many marriages as each person is under the illusion that her partner is a version of them.

Your partner will struggle to have empathy for your feelings if they think you are a version of them.

For example, husbands hear a small percentage of what wives say; of that small percentage, they understand a fraction of what she means, and they understand nothing about what she doesn’t say.

Your partner is nothing like you, and until that fundamental fact is believed, the curiosity that’s required to help a marriage thrive will never be realised.

Many become disillusioned, so they choose a divorce, but this is a problem because a divorce doesn’t educate or turn people into amazing partners; it simply sets them up to make the same mistakes all over again with someone new.

As you can see, getting educational help that doesn’t blindly buy into the distortion is critical.

I have had many couples rebuild their relationship after being told the relationship is dead or over by the previous help.

I either see a misdiagnosis, where they try to fix the wrong problem, or I see that the helper has exhausted their knowledge of how to solve the problem.

I can’t stress this enough: people’s thinking must be challenged and expanded, and partners who act in odd or confusing ways must be understood, not judged.

Human behaviour is not random. There’s always a reason you just can’t use your own thinking to understand someone else’s behaviours: you will always be wrong.

You see, professional validation is powerful and must be used carefully!

If a professional validate the negative bias and perceptual distortion, it further confirms that the relationship is unsafe to stay in; it’s like the final nail in the coffin for that relationship.

It’s the same as going to friends for advice; they can validate the story someone is living in. But is that story the only story available to them? Is there a better or more empowering story?

Really good friends will not judge or offer advice, as they know they are unqualified to do so. Good friends will lend a caring ear.

That’s why we don’t go to cake makers for wealth advice; through years of experience, true experts will see many perspectives on the problem, but others without experience will only see their own limiting perspective of your problem.

The acid test

It isn’t just about what your partner has done or has not done historically because most couples have practised a distorted dynamic; they’ve become really good at acting out.

Where did it start? Who did what first? Who is right? It’s impossible to unpick.

So, to simplify the mess of two people out of control, any unhappy outcomes they have created in the past are the truth of the distortion, not the truth of what they are capable of achieving with the right help.

I see the loveliest people do the most despicable things to each other, and in most cases, it’s due to a total lack of understanding.

When you sit in my shoes and see the mechanics of what has to happen to keep a relationship alive for life, to be honest, I’m surprised people get as far as they do.

Most people only know how to trigger their partner negatively and blame them for responses they don’t like.

So, someone may not understand their partner well enough to be an effective partner.

Even when intending to be positive, they may unwittingly trigger their partner into a bad emotional state, which can lead to frustration for both people.

This outcome leaves each person with the perspective that their partner is clearly the problem, which, from my perspective, is clearly untrue.

So, unless you know how to trigger your partner positively, who is the problem now?

Look at this exchange with Cloe, my wife.

I remember many years ago, I arrived home after working with five couples in crisis that day – I arrived home very tired. 

I walked through the door, found Cloe in her office, checked that she was okay, and then sat silently in the living room.

I could feel Cloe getting agitated.

So I asked her if she was okay, and she said yes, but I didn’t buy it.

I pressed her, but nothing clear was coming out.

So I asked her what it meant to her when I went quiet.

She said trouble was coming.

I smiled at her and said, “In my world, when I’m quiet, it means I’m happy. I’m releasing my busy day. In fact, thinking about nothing is one of my favourite pastimes, allowing me to recharge. 

She said OMG, I never knew that she said I usually brace myself for a problem whenever someone goes quiet.

This is a tiny difference in meaning from her, but when you explore the magnitude of a couple’s differences, misunderstandings left unchecked can create such a negative dynamic that the compound effect of years of the wrong translation can have devastating consequences.

Consequences such as stacked resentments, self-numbing, and detachment are consequences of translating a partner incorrectly.

It’s why putting the correct meaning to situations is critical to a couple’s success.

What I see all day long is people putting the wrong meaning to situations for years, which can grow into resentments that accumulate over time.

So I’m all for two people leaving each other if they would be happier apart, but discovering the truth of their dynamic and what they are capable of achieving with the right information seems a far safer route to me.

Imagine breaking up a family only to find the same problem appearing in each new future relationship.

So, are you now interested in going deeper to understand what is possible for you? If so, Click Here now!

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Recent Posts

  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
  • Impossible Marriage Problems?
  • “What if I’m not enough?”
  • “Another 5 Years Like This? No Way!”
  • In Crisis, their Minds Destroyed Their Lives
  • “Couples are failing at the basics…”
  • “You Might Be in the Wrong Relationship… But Not for the Reason You Think…”
  • Case Studies: “How Changing Your Perspective Can Fix Your Relationship—Here’s Proof”

Over 1300 Relationship Articles


Categories

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  • Case Studies (2)
  • Communication (70)
  • Destructive Patterns (137)
  • Discussion (2)
  • Infidelity-Affairs (38)
  • Loss of Love (43)
  • Loss of passion (35)
  • Lost Attraction (22)
  • Marriage Coaching (423)
  • Marriage Mastery Assessment (1)
  • Masculine & Feminine (9)
  • Monday Breakthrough (2)
  • Personal Development (104)
  • Rebuilding trust (39)
  • Relationship Stories (24)
  • Retirement Crisis (6)
  • Save Marriage Alone (42)
  • Separation & Divorce (9)
  • Stop & Never – Mini Posts (54)
  • Stuck (9)
  • Testimonials (59)
  • Top 10 Popular Posts (12)
  • Uncategorized (761)

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally.


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.


Click to Download FREE

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Recent Clients: New York, Dubai, Los Angeles, Austrailia, Japan, Germany, France, Ireland, UK, Monaco to name a few.

Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems.

Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
  • Impossible Marriage Problems?
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Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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