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Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

Can a couple really recover from an affair? The answer is “…it depends!”

Affairs and the fallout from affairs make up a significant part of my work with couples in crisis.

Dealing with couples in marital crisis needs a very different approach to traditional couple’s work because motivation reinvestment combined with fear and limiting beliefs can significantly hamper progress.

The reason so many couples fail to recover from their affair is they see the affair as the primary problem.

If they see the affair as the problem, they will try to do anything to protect themselves from the affair and the potential of future affairs.

All this does is stress their connection by making fear the driving force, and for some, this stress pushes them back into affairs as their solution.

An affair is never a solution to anything. In fact, all it does is significantly complicate their life.

One common complication is the person who had an affair can want to stay in the marriage yet struggle because the marriage doesn’t create the same level of intensity as the affair.

Attraction and sexual energy can now become a problem.

This means the person doesn’t feel the same level of attraction, so they don’t crave their partner as they think they should.

So they assume this is a sign the marriage is wrong.

For anyone in this place, please know the energy you feel is created by yourselves in long-term relationships.

In affairs, the energy is automatically created by a cocktail of chemicals that creates a temporary addiction to that new person—it’s known in my world as “crazy in love,” and “CRAZY” is the right term.

A person can change identity, become highly irresponsible through risky behaviours and have no connection to any consequences.

So, affairs get in the way of couples understanding how to rebuild their marriage should they want to.

The affair, in 99% of cases I see, is a symptom of their real problem(s).

What I see is the only reason a couple will successfully repair their marriage is if the relationship after the affair is significantly better than it was before.

We are not talking about it being better the first few months after discovery due to guilt or fear.

We are talking about year on year, the relationship is growing stronger because both people have learnt how.

In fact, the affair was their wake-up call to build something far deeper and significantly stronger.

So when a couple decides to stay together, bury the affair, and don’t fix the real problem, the root cause will remain and cause ongoing problems.

If the reason the affair started is not understood or addressed, the relationship will always be vulnerable.

It’s why we have sayings like, “A leopard never changes its spots.” What that really means is that if you keep doing what you always did, you’ll get what you always got.

Both people have to understand their part.

So, it’s true that without the correct information, some people will cycle into yet another affair. Other people will find other ways to manage their distortion, which will also erode their connection.

So you see, there is no way around it; you have to heal the root problem – understanding the root problem is the first step.

So if an affair is part of your story, it’s critical to deal with the root reasons so you can affair-proof your marriage.

If trust is always in question, the connection simply cannot grow.

Coping with an Affair: How to Rebuild Trust and Save Your Marriage
Stephen Hedger
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