We are all in our marriages of our own free will, so doesn’t it make sense that if either person keeps feeling bad in the marriage, they can also action their free will to leave?
What I keep seeing is people are literally teaching their partner how to leave them.
Some people teach their partners not to need them, some help their partners to stop finding them attractive, some teach their partners they are miserable, negative, or controlling people, some teach their partners they are not caring, and some are emotionally abandoned in their marriage and are being taught how they can live alone.
The problem with this list is what they teach their partner isn’t their intent at all. Most are reacting to upsetting events and are so consumed by their own pain and suffering they are blind to the damaging negative effect they are having on their partner, who is highly likely to take control away from them.
Events such as ongoing relationship problems or a traumatic history. Some have followed poor parental models growing up, and in reaction to these types of events, they can use unhelpful behaviours to take back control.
The problem is that they won’t find a way to regain control that works, so they ultimately lose control because, without knowing, they are creating the very thing they are trying to avoid.
Anyone using the following behaviours is going to lose control of their marriage each time they practice it.
Blame, Conflict, Control, Withdrawal, Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Jealousy, Aggression, Expectations, to name a few.
People use these destructive behaviours as a means to protect themselves.
The problem is that they don’t see how their need to self-protect, using the behaviours listed above, is teaching their partner their character. When someone does this enough, partners tend to believe that who is being presented is who they really are.
So people must be careful about what each person teaches their partner about their character and values.
One lady was horrified her husband had an affair. The reason he gave was for years she was so negative and disagreeable he simply wanted to spend time on this planet with someone nice, pleasant and fun.
Of course, he could have contributed to her negativity, but can you see that her negative attitude toward him was the wrong solution to the problem? All it did was drive him into the arms of someone else.
In essence, she behaved this way so often that she taught him that her negative emotional energy was who she was, making him vulnerable to the attention of others who were more enjoyable to be around.
One gentleman who decided to start stonewalling his wife eventually made his wife meet her needs outside of the marriage with work, friends, and family; he taught her how to cope without him, and in the end, she left him because she no longer needed him.
Successful business people can fall in love with their work, spending endless hours in the office, unaware they are teaching their partner how to cope on their own to the point they no longer need the relationship.
One gentleman spent every waking hour fighting a court case, which took nearly seven years. When he won, his partner, who was pleased for him, presented him with divorce papers.
You see, it’s really important to understand what you are teaching your partner about you because they will believe you.
It’s unsafe to create an environment where one partner has no choice but to meet their critical needs outside of their marriage consistently, whether that is an affair, work, friends, or hobbies.
So when a person understands how to support what’s critical for their partner, they will actively bring out the best in them, but it’s unsafe if you keep bringing out the worst in your partner because they will attach those bad feelings to you.
So, if you don’t understand how to contribute to creating an environment where your partner can thrive, they will have to find a new way without you.
So, a person can shout, blame, control, withdraw and bring as much negativity as they like, but in the end, they will teach their partner who they are, so they’ll lose control over them and, in time, create their worst fear.
Understanding is the only solution.
You see, fear is the primary driver of many negative emotional patterns, which creates emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, or self-pity.
One way people can positively take control of their marriage, even without their partner’s participation, is by controlling the emotions that will drive their partner away and shift them into triggering more positive behaviours.
Men and women are learning with me right now how to stop their negative emotional patterns, become better versions of themselves, and trigger their partners positively rather than negatively.
Many people are coming to me and saying, “I think I’m the problem”.
To be honest, most people are going to be part of the problem.
So, if you want a better marriage and you want to understand how you can stop being part of the problem and part of the solution and save your marriage…
