One of the most common factors that can lead a couple to divorce is when one or both people find they have lost connection with who they are and their core identity.
Some people find themselves bending into being someone they are not to make the marriage work. At some point, they will discover that this practice causes more problems than it solves.
Losing a connection with yourself in a marriage is more of a problem than many realise because it can be a core reason why the marriage will fail.
An ineffective relationship with myself will mean little to no ability to form a safe connection with another person in an intimate relationship.
The skill the person in this place must learn is how to discover who I am and how to never to lose connection with myself again, no matter what is going on around me.
Most people under pressure become someone who misrepresents who they are, and they teach their partner this wrong version of them – please be careful what you teach your partner because they might believe you.
This can lead their partner to want to leave.
Compounding new identities causes problems
Before they met, chances are they were more connected to themselves, but in a marriage, new identities and roles will form, and who we really are can become lost without them knowing.
There are many reasons for this shift.
So, the first challenge is the initial shift to becoming the identity of lifelong partners, i.e., “husband and wife”.
Most people do not know how to build this dynamic safely, so it’s common for the couple to muddle along in an ever-evolving, distorted dynamic.
This distortion can then be magnified as the new family additions arrive, and new identities, called “parents,” will be formed.
This is yet another step away from the original identity they had before they met.
I can’t stress enough how much of a problem this can be if it’s not understood or managed.
“When was the last time you felt like you?”
In sessions when it’s clear this identity problem has happened in their relationship, `I might ask the most affected person this question.
“When was the last time you felt like you?”
It’s not uncommon for this person to be reduced to tears or saddened by their realisation “oh god years ago”.
Losing a connection with yourself is critical to understand because if you don’t have an effective/empowering relationship with yourself, then your relationship will never make sense to either of you.
The identity of “husbands” and “wives” and “mums” and “dads” is one part of the equation; the next magnifier to be aware of is when fear takes hold.
Fears will change your identity
Fear is a profoundly powerful emotion that can affect a person’s connection with themselves and their ability to trust themselves and others.
Fears have the power to change a person’s behaviours and are another unhelpful layer for the person or couple to manage or battle.
People tend to want to avoid their fears, but in their desire to avoid them, they can negatively affect themselves and those they say they love.
Many are unaware that if they have a fear, they will essentially create behaviours that make that fear a reality.
Fears can create a need to control or build unrealistic expectations. Fears can reduce the trust of others and create emotional shutdowns or explosive rages.
Fear significantly affects how a person shows up in a marriage and can dramatically affect both people negatively.
Fear creates pain, and pain will eventually turn into suffering, and suffering will create stress, depression and anxiety, further compounding the original problem.
A person in fear can only access a fight-or-flight response, which will collapse and not build connections with themselves or others.
So, fears will only compound problems the person/couple already has.
The way out of the problem
Losing a connection with yourself in your marriage is a simple case of I don’t understand myself well enough to stay connected to myself through the ups and downs of married life.
Many people blame their partner and the relationship, but this is another disempowering position.
While their partner will indeed have contributed to the problems, controlling how we respond to our relationship problems so we reflect our true selves is the most empowering position we can take.
The basic rules are you must never lose connection with yourself and what matters to you in response to your partner or your relationship.
Doing this will make you miserable in your marriage, and that will cripple the effectiveness of the marriage.
It will also present to your partner and the world around you a version of yourself that doesn’t reflect your true self.
My message today is simple.
Have you noticed that out-of-control people will become less of themselves and less effective in the face of adversity?
The world is full of problems, and your relationship will also have one problem after another, so there is never an argument that says the worst version of me is the best version of me to solve these problems.
So, if you want to save your marriage or discover the truth about what’s possible in it, reclaiming yourself is the first and most critical step.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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