One of the biggest problems I see in couples in crisis is that they have spent so long feeling disconnected that they believe this is the only relationship they can have together.
As you read this post today you will discover for many couples why this is a very understandable self-limiting belief.
I’ll explain why…
Misunderstandings become familiar. Resentments accumulate. Affection and laughter disappear. Eventually, “This is how we are living” becomes “This is who we are.”
When they imagine their future and they see more of their past. Why would either person want another five years of that?
No one would.
To compound the problem they may also believe they have tried everything. They have talked, argued, compromised and perhaps sought help.
It all becomes too much and now they are exhausted too.
But trying everything you know is not the same as exploring everything that could help.
You can work incredibly hard while misunderstanding what keeps you stuck. Your pain and suffering is real. What needs examining is whether it reflects differences you cannot willingly live with, or patterns you have not understood, or both.
My clients often arrive with one question: “We are in a mess. Show us what to do.”
So these 7 topics below come up a lot, so to help you I want to share the thinking that may help.
Here are seven signs worth exploring before your next move.
1. You cannot see a future together
What couples fail to see is that they have been living in a distortion for years, and they make that distortion the truth of their capability. Both people will have become highly skilled at bringing the worst out of themselves and each other, especially when under pressure.
They are missing critical skills to understand how to change this dynamic, so they accept it as the truth. Many live with the unanswered question: if the distortion is removed, what are couples capable of achieving?
Many run this unhelpful pattern, divorce and move on to a new relationship, only to run a different variation of the same problem with someone new. Divorce does not magically make someone skilled where they were not before.
So the couples come to me asking for guidance on what they cannot see. They want to know they did all they could.
2. You believe you have tried everything
You have talked, argued, compromised and made promises. Nothing has lasted, so trying again feels pointless.
I see this over and over: couples are trying what would never work and then blaming the relationship or their partner.
So have they tried everything, or everything they currently know?
If a person’s efforts have been based on an incomplete understanding of the problem, their failure does not establish that change is impossible.
Relationship knowledge is common sense that isn’t very common.
This is because too many people are stuck thinking that the way they think or what they do is right or the only way. Please understand that everyone translates any situation differently.
Without this basic understanding, the couple will always struggle to be on the same page.
3. You have decided your differences make you incompatible
When couples struggle, the differences become even more apparent, and for those wanting to get on the same page, this is a problem. This is why couples who are suffering battle to make the other person think and act like them.
What couples are not seeing is that they are not supposed to think and act the same. Their differences drove attraction, and this brought them together. Without realising it, they are killing the essence of why they are together.
Successful couples learn how to embrace these differences as a strength and use them to create more emotional certainty and connection in the marriage.
4. You believe lost feelings mean the relationship has run its course
When affection and desire disappear, it is understandable to think the love has gone for good.
When the trend in a marriage is self-protection, mechanically, a person physically cannot love someone and protect themselves from that person. So imagine two years of this practice. It will feel like the love has gone, and as this feeling grows, the person stops investing in the marriage. The compound effect snowballs until the marriage has lost connection and is now transactional.
My clients learn that feelings for many people are dormant, not dead because of this process. They are just missing the understanding of why those feelings shut down and how to reignite them.
5. You are waiting for your partner to change before you can move forward
This is such a common problem, as people worry about feeling foolish or vulnerable. So, in fear of rejection or some other fear, people do nothing whilst the marriage is dying.
This is the piece that people miss in their quest to protect themselves: no one is protecting the marriage, so it withers and dies.
I have seen individuals come to me seeking help but refuse to get help for themselves because they are waiting for their partner to start with them. A year later, they start divorce proceedings. Successful couples in my programmes learn that each person is responsible for their part in the marriage.
If the house were on fire, would you wait? This is the problem: too many relationships are on fire, and so they wait.
6. You believe leaving is the only way to feel yourself again
This is such an interesting problem. So what you will see is that someone feels terrible at home with their partner, but at work or with friends, they feel great, more themselves.
The natural conclusion is: “I feel bad when I’m with my spouse. My spouse is bad for me.” So a wall of protection goes up.
Many experience this and leave the marriage, but they have missed something important. The person creating the feeling they don’t like is them.
People don’t make us feel a certain way; our life history, beliefs, needs and values all play a part in any translation we give any situation.
People are not questioning if their own translation of events is true.
I see many people protecting themselves from a partner that is not trying to hurt them, they have just misunderstood a critical and normal difference between them and made it wrong.
The problem is when a person practises self-protection for long enough, what they will feel is an emotional wall going up. This is designed to protect them. The problem is that this emotional wall does not make them happy; in fact, it exhausts them.
So the moment they leave the home, the wall goes down and they feel relief and better again.
Can you see the problem?
So now imagine the person has translated a perfectly normal behaviour in their partner as bad, never corrected that interpretation, put the wall up and then concluded that leaving is the only way to reclaim their true self.
The critical relationship skill is to never lose connection with who you are, no matter what is happening around you – self-protection that leads a person to disconnect from who they are only creates self-suffering.
So the result is literally – I have to leave you because I don’t like the feeling I’m giving myself. ***
7. You believe the past will always prevent you from moving forward
You cannot undo what happened.
This is true; however, the only way to experience the past once it has actually passed is through our memories and perceptions.
This is where the power sits.
Our perceptions change everything. My clients learn that you have a choice: you can live your life as a victim of a past event, or you can discover the lesson that event wanted you to learn.
Many people don’t move forward or feel stuck because the lesson is still there and waiting for them to learn.
So imagine a person has experienced a breach of trust in their marriage. They can stay in the marriage and sit in fear of it happening again, or they can find the lessons that made the breach of trust possible.
The central teaching becomes: how your marriage feels today is important evidence, but understanding what created that experience helps you assess what could change.
Many couples simply need to create a new relationship but this time with real purpose.
If you look at each of these seven points, you can see that it is very easy to become confused and make a mistake, but that mistake can lead to a decision that prevents you from coming back.
This is a door where the decision is a one way door and the whole families future is at stake.
My clients learn that talking simply proves the distortion is true.
The objective is to remove the distortions, learn what will grow the relationship and the connection, and then talk.
Now we are jointly protecting the marriage and what it’s capable of achieving.
*** This advice is not appropriate for abusive relationships.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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